Trying to make this short as possible. My BF told my oldest son that he would come to his first football game. My son had joined a semi-pro league.
For context – The day before his game I ran a race then drove home after finishing, got showered and drove another 30 minutes to catch the last game of his daughter’s tournament. My race was scheduled before the tournament. I told her I would go after my race. We had a humidex advisory for the day.
The day of the game, I’m double checking the time etc., and my BF is acting uninterested. I asked him if he was still going and to my face he wasn’t sure, he’d have to see if his girls wanted to go, and I reminded him that he said he would go. He said, “Well let me know the time.” I went home to change, double checked the time and field, texted him and his reply was, “I’m going to pass today. I’ll come to another game when I don’t have my kids or it’s not so muggy” (He had spent the entire day from 8-5 the day before outside for his daughter’s tournament. My youngest was with him for the day). I was p*ssed.
What I texted him was, “K. Not happy although I was expecting this. It’s summer and it’s almost always going to be muggy or hot or sunny or whatever else.” I then told him how I didn’t feel like going and sitting in the sun after my race but I did. He replied, “I’m sorry I’ll be there,” He came.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to be upset or get upset or even guilt him into going someplace he doesn’t want to go, but it feels like I’m always the one making the effort and he doesn’t put in the effort. I also cooked two dinners (one after the race and tournament) and clean everything afterwards.
So AITA for making him come to the game when he clearly didn’t want to?
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Trying to make this short as possible. My BF told my oldest son that he would come to his first football game. My son had joined a semi-pro league.
For context – The day before his game I ran a race then drove home after finishing, got showered and drove another 30 minutes to catch the last game of his daughter’s tournament. My race was scheduled before the tournament. I told her I would go after my race. We had a humidex advisory for the day.
The day of the game, I’m double checking the time etc., and my BF is acting uninterested. I asked him if he was still going and to my face he wasn’t sure, he’d have to see if his girls wanted to go, and I reminded him that he said he would go. He said, “Well let me know the time.” I went home to change, double checked the time and field, texted him and his reply was, “I’m going to pass today. I’ll come to another game when I don’t have my kids or it’s not so muggy” (He had spent the entire day from 8-5 the day before outside for his daughter’s tournament. My youngest was with him for the day). I was p*ssed.
What I texted him was, “K. Not happy although I was expecting this. It’s summer and it’s almost always going to be muggy or hot or sunny or whatever else.” I then told him how I didn’t feel like going and sitting in the sun after my race but I did. He replied, “I’m sorry I’ll be there,” He came.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to be upset or get upset or even guilt him into going someplace he doesn’t want to go, but it feels like I’m always the one making the effort and he doesn’t put in the effort. I also cooked two dinners (one after the race and tournament) and clean everything afterwards.
So AITA for making him come to the game when he clearly didn’t want to?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I guilted my BF into coming to my son’s game. I might be the AH because it seems like I manipulated/guilted him into doing something he didn’t want to do.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: What kind of conversation around this have you had with him to this point? In other words, what did you tell him to justify your view that he should attend? And how did he respond?
NTA
Ages? How long together?
NTA.
But perhaps an explicit conversation is needed? Firstly he can’t set your kid up to expect him to go and then no show. Secondly, the effort towards supporting each other’s children needs to be reciprocal or resentment will build.
I think you were just being firm and it was ok.
Did he have to bring his kids to the game? How old are they?I’d say NTA if the kids had another place to stay or if they’re old enough to be on their own. Otherwise, he might’ve not wanted to come, because it’d be hard on the kids. Then again, he did promise your son that he’d be there at his first game. I’d feel pretty disappointed if someone promised me they’d be at my game, and then not show up.
In general, I try to never guilt someone into doing something they apparently aren’t interested in. I don’t want to spend my time with someone who feels resentful about it.
With that said, you better believe I’m taking notes. It all goes to your sense of integrity. If you say you’ll do something and always back out because it might inconvenience you, that’s a sign of selfishness. I don’t need that in my life. Thus my divorce.
NAH I think that you are implying that your bf doesn’t put as much effort into relationships as you do… and that he shows up for his kids but not for your kids.
2 ways to handle this. Either step back. Or set a clear expectation that he has to step up while he is in this relationship.
You chose the latter option and he complied. Nothing wrong there.
Whilst it would be lovely if you don’t have to remind your bf of your relationship expectations… we all have to remind our partners now and then. Relationships are not “set and forget”.
NTA – he made a promise to your son, and it’s reasonable to expect him to keep his word (anbsent energencies)
But maybe a convesation about this specifcally where you lay out that it’s not always going to be practical or reasonable for you to goto all of his kids events o(or even, necessariy, all *your* kids events, or for him to attend your kids stuff, but that if he’s said he will do something, it’s really important that he shows up wothout needing to be convinced or prompted. Perhas also make thate point that there may be times when you ask him to go becasue you want his support or becaue you feel it’s importnat that someone goes, and tht mostyl in that sort of scenario, ‘because I’d like you to come/go’ is a valid reason.
It’s not clear whether this sitution here was tht he didn;t consoder himself to have made a firm committment orwhether he just didnlt consider his promise to go importnat, probably owrking out which is was to try to make sure you are on the same page as each other moving forward will be sensible.
The problem is resolved. The relationship might have problems but that’s for you to weigh out. He apologized and showed up to the game so, case closed. I get you’re pissed and want to vent but this doesn’t feel like an AITA.
NTA. The period for “didn’t want to come” ended when he promised your son he would come.
I gotta ask, though….If he breaks his word about simple shit like that because he changed his mind, what else will he break his word about?
NTA Your bf is for saying he would attend the game and not keeping his word.
He must refrain from saying he will do xyz only to then change his mind. Ask him to be more careful and to be true to his word in the future.
Info how old is your son?
You’re NTA for getting upset, but you’re one to yourself if you don’t recognize the disparity between the two of you in your different levels of familial commitments to your kids.
It sounds like he does this often enough that you already know he’s going to flake. Bc you shouldn’t give him the out of asking him if ‘he’s still going’ if he’s already given you his word.
So maybe ask yourself why you’ve allowed this so often that it’s become an expectation at this point. You shouldn’t need to drag him along, and my bigger problem would be that unwillingness…not that he just gave up and showed up even though he didn’t want to.
Dump him
Depends on the ages of your kids. You left your son with him to go for a race which is why he brought your kid to just kids game. If it’s really hot and muggy and his kids don’t want to go and there’s no one else to look after them I don’t see why he has to go.
NTA. He agreed to accompany you. You went to his child’s game. He made a verbal agreement to your son, a CHILD. What kind of father figure she’s to do something then withdraws for his own comfort without a valid excuse. Keep an eye on him, hunny. He may not be marriage material if this reoccurs.
NAH for feeling upset, but it might be time to have a bigger talk about effort and expectations. You shouldn’t have to guilt someone into showing up, that feeling adds resentment over time
NTA. But it doesn’t sound like the BF is interested in you or your kids lives.
Next –
Answer is obvious – on to next question.
Relationship is toast; better luck next time.