I do not have a good relationship with my parents. Right at 18 I spent some time homeless after they kicked me out. Eventually some friends let me move in with them and I stayed with them. I won’t go into detail because this post isn’t about them, but those friends were not cool. I moved halfway across the country with them but they were doing some things not good things so last November I got myself off their lease, signed my own lease at my own place, got some student loans, and finally I have my own place.
This is where my family, specifically my dad comes back into play. Since I was kicked out, I’ve still have contact but it’s never been great. To clarify, I bought my car cash, I pay my own car insurance and my own phone. I do receive some money from him, but according to him that money is essentially him trying to make up for kicking me out/other stuff in the past. When he heard what my friends were doing and that I moved out, it conveniently happened right as he started to get more from his VA bill (his words, I don’t know how that works) so he greatly increased how much he gives me, and now he gives me about a third of my rent. All of this to say, this is the sole contribution I get from my family: a fraction of my rent because I was kicked out and had to move a thousand miles away.
This brings us to now. Within a week in May, I will be having my birthday, my graduation, and I’ll be moving to be closer to my siblings. My father decided that he wants to fly down to see me walk for graduation. Since he told me this, he immediately expected me to let him stay at my apartment and drive him around everywhere. Firstly, my boyfriend will already be staying with me for that time and there is barely enough space for anyone else. He would have to be on the floor uncomfortably close, and I’d be trying to pack and move during this time. In regard to driving him around, I would essentially have to add 2-3 hours on to every commute that I would have to pick him up for. Want to be an hour early to the ceremony? now we have to be 4 hours early and wake up at 6 am. This wouldn’t be too bad, but his flight schedule means I would specifically have to drive 2 hours out and 2 hours back specifically on my birthday, and my boyfriend has an exam that night, so I already have limited time to spend with him.
Because of all of that, I have received a large amount of pushback on him even showing up due to hotels being expensive and needing a rental. He already got a hotel figured out. (He makes 6 digits and is not struggling at all, to clarify), but he has been putting up a lot of fuss over the hotel and rental because of the money he gives me. I’m not trying to be difficult, it’s just that I’ll have a lot going on that week already and driving him around would be a huge time sink and stress factor for me. AITA for making him get a hotel and rental for my graduation so I can spend my birthday with my partner and focus on moving?
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I do not have a good relationship with my parents. Right at 18 I spent some time homeless after they kicked me out. Eventually some friends let me move in with them and I stayed with them. I won’t go into detail because this post isn’t about them, but those friends were not cool. I moved halfway across the country with them but they were doing some things not good things so last November I got myself off their lease, signed my own lease at my own place, got some student loans, and finally I have my own place.
This is where my family, specifically my dad comes back into play. Since I was kicked out, I’ve still have contact but it’s never been great. To clarify, I bought my car cash, I pay my own car insurance and my own phone. I do receive some money from him, but according to him that money is essentially him trying to make up for kicking me out/other stuff in the past. When he heard what my friends were doing and that I moved out, it conveniently happened right as he started to get more from his VA bill (his words, I don’t know how that works) so he greatly increased how much he gives me, and now he gives me about a third of my rent. All of this to say, this is the sole contribution I get from my family: a fraction of my rent because I was kicked out and had to move a thousand miles away.
This brings us to now. Within a week in May, I will be having my birthday, my graduation, and I’ll be moving to be closer to my siblings. My father decided that he wants to fly down to see me walk for graduation. Since he told me this, he immediately expected me to let him stay at my apartment and drive him around everywhere. Firstly, my boyfriend will already be staying with me for that time and there is barely enough space for anyone else. He would have to be on the floor uncomfortably close, and I’d be trying to pack and move during this time. In regard to driving him around, I would essentially have to add 2-3 hours on to every commute that I would have to pick him up for. Want to be an hour early to the ceremony? now we have to be 4 hours early and wake up at 6 am. This wouldn’t be too bad, but his flight schedule means I would specifically have to drive 2 hours out and 2 hours back specifically on my birthday, and my boyfriend has an exam that night, so I already have limited time to spend with him.
Because of all of that, I have received a large amount of pushback on him even showing up due to hotels being expensive and needing a rental. He already got a hotel figured out. (He makes 6 digits and is not struggling at all, to clarify), but he has been putting up a lot of fuss over the hotel and rental because of the money he gives me. I’m not trying to be difficult, it’s just that I’ll have a lot going on that week already and driving him around would be a huge time sink and stress factor for me. AITA for making him get a hotel and rental for my graduation so I can spend my birthday with my partner and focus on moving?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was not letting my dad stay at my apartment or driving him around all weekend. I think I could be the asshole because he is traveling to my graduation and he pays for part of my rent, and he would have to spend more money on a hotel and rental car.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You have a tense relationship with your father. He seems to want to make it up to you and show up for you, though. But if there isn’t room at your place, he should understand that.
Is it possible that your father could stay at least one night with you, while your bf stays with a friend? Your dad should get a rental car but if you can have him for a night or two that might be the concession he is looking for. Maybe he just wants to be closer, or maybe he wants to save money.
Either way, you are NTA. But try to show your father a little concession. If you feel he is sincerely sorry.
NAH. Your father feels that you owe him a place to stay and free transportation during the trip because he has been sending you money for the past few years. You don’t think you owe him that. It’s an unfortunate situation, but it doesn’t make either of you an AH.
NTA. You don’t have enough space. Your boyfriend is staying with you and there is not enough space or privacy.So tell your father that. Just because he paid a portion of your rent doesn’t mean that he can stay with you. Also, of the 3 of you, your father will be the one who can afford a hotel.
NTA. The alleged purpose of his visit is to celebrate your achievement, but instead he feels entitled to be a massive imposition in service to that goal. Your schedule didn’t suddenly open up just because he’s in town. Your apartment didn’t magically expand to accommodate a guest. You’ve got a lot to take care of without having to play host to a functioning adult on top.
Something is conflicting about his finances, either he makes a lot of money but is very stingy, or he isn’t making a lot of money (getting VA checks). It cant be both.
He also supports you with 1/3 of your rent, so in a way, he does feel entitled to stay with you since he is helping you pay (even though him and your mom kicking you out at 18 is the reason). Is you BF also helping you pay rent if he is staying with you? if not, then your dad deserves a place to stay more than BF.
Where is your dad expecting you to drive him to that you wouldn’t be? where are you going besides the airport that’s hours away? why book a hotel somewhere hours away? It is more convenient for him to stay with you, and in a way he does cause he helps pay for it.
If you really don’t want him to stay with you because of your history, then tell him that, but your hesitancy is making it very difficult for everyone involved.
Im leaning towards NAH, but there is some weird details that needs explaining.
NTA, it’s your home and you have all the rights to decide if you want him there or not, if getting a hotel is not a problem financially, then it’s not a bad thing to do. additionally, u guys doesn’t have a close relationship aside from the financial help he is giving, and he should not be mad about your decision. anyway, congratulations in advance for your graduation and happy birthday!
NTA. Your father’s decision to stay at your apartment and be chauffeured around is about control. It’s nice of him to be present for your graduation. He needs to understand that you have been struggling financially and that you are squeezed for time. Stay cordial with him and good luck / congratulations!
NTA I get that people who pay for things for you or give you money feel they have the right to make requests in return. But the requests have to be reasonable. Unless you have a spare room, expecting to stay with you is unreasonable. Expecting you to drive him around is unreasonable. He’s lucky you are even willing to let him attend the graduation. If he was specifically trying to make this time in your life especially difficult, he couldn’t do a better job of it than he would do with this plan of his.
NTA. He’s coming to pretend that he’s an “awesome dad” celebrating your graduation when honestly he had almost nothing to do with your achievement. I’m sure you would’ve been able to figure out your full rent had he not contributed.
His desire to make up for his past behaviour should not come at the cost of your time and comfort in your own home. BUT be ready that he pulls his financial support in retaliation (because your dad seems like the type to) and be sulky to anyone willing to listen to him.
Gifts with stipulations are not gifts.
Guilt is manipulative and if he wants to try to control your life you might want to stop accepting his money (if you can)