My parents divorced when I (19M) was 2. They shared custody of me and while my dad was never a perfect parent he was a pretty decent one. Our relationship was pretty strong. Then when I was 9 he remarried and our relationship changed. He has a stepson Tommy who’s 3 years younger than me and most of his time went on him after he remarried. It wasn’t that my dad never spoke to me or looked at me again. But he broke every promise he made after he remarried, he prioritized the time he spent with Tommy and he never wanted to include me. Oh no. That wasn’t possible. He said he didn’t want to take away Tommy’s chance to have a dad when he never had one before. And for that to work he needed to make the time to be HIS dad.
The day my mom died, rather than be with me, he went ahead with his plans to take Tommy to play a father/son game of football. I was 13 and having my dad out having fun with his stepkid while my heart was breaking fucking wrecked me. He went with Tommy knowing my mom had died too. And my dad’s wife accused me of being spoiled because I wanted to ruin Tommy’s fun with my dad and wouldn’t share him.
There were times he had a work thing that meant he had less time in a week. A perfect example of that happening was the time I was winning an award and I asked dad if he could take me out for cake and ice cream afterward, just the two of us and he said yeah of course. Two days later he had a plan take Tommy to this all day karate thing. My award thing was Thursday and the Karate was on a Saturday and my dad was told on Tuesday he needed to work more hours that week and he told me on Wednesday that he only had time that week to spend with one of us and he was keeping his plans with Tommy. I’d already lost my mom so I had to scramble and ask my grandparents if they could make it at the last minute.
I detached emotionally from dad before I even turned 16 and I just stopped believing him or expecting a relationship with him. After a few months I decided I would fade from his life once I was 18 and I started to plan my escape. I clashed with my dad’s wife a lot in the last year because she wanted more time with dad and her and I refused to babysit Tommy for her. He was 14 so not like a small little kid but she babied him a bunch and the fights between us got pretty nasty.
I don’t know when my dad started to want more time with me or why. From what I know he still spends a shit ton of time with Tommy but he reached out to me and asked to meet up and I told him no. I didn’t bullshit him or make any fake promises only to cancel on him. My dad wanted to know if I’d have time soon and I said no. But he didn’t give up and he invited me a handful more times. Then he wanted to know why I didn’t “come home” for Christmas and he asked for us to have a “family dinner” soon. Again I said no.
He’s planning a vacation with his wife and Tommy and he invited along. He said he’d pay and everything. I told him no yet again and this time he made it a point to show up when I was visiting some of his family and he brought his wife and Tommy along. When they showed up I went to leave but dad stopped me and begged me to stay and he said he wanted to spend time with me. Tommy said he wanted to hang out with me too and he told his mom he wanted to go somewhere with me. I told them I was leaving and dad asked me why I wouldn’t spend time with him anymore. His wife told me I couldn’t possibly walk away from my father and “brother”. I ignored her and told my dad it was the consequences of always choosing Tommy. I told him I wasn’t here to play games and I wasn’t ever going to forget what an awful father he turned into. Then I said he wasn’t my family anymore and I left.
He had it out with the relatives I was visiting and now his wife is furious at me. She said I’m being spiteful and these aren’t consequences of dad’s actions, they’re a child having a tantrum and wanting to punish people. She said it was most unfair to Tommy who feels like he lost a brother. I told her Tommy never had a brother and to leave me alone. Then I blocked her.
My dad’s been trying to talk to me like crazy too but I muted him and ignore them now.
AITA?
Comments
NTA.
Curious: where did you live after your mom died?
Get therapy
NTA. Your Dad is learning about karma.
Updateme
NTA! He had his shot to be your dad when you begged him, when you needed him. He chose the step kid instead. You have every right to feel your feelings and decide who is family and who isn’t. Family doesn’t equate to blood. Family equates to love and support. I’m an old lady, so don’t be offended when I say I’m proud of you for advocating for yourself and your peace. Bravo!!
“Cats in the Cradle”
Nah NTA. He abandoned you the day your mom died be honest about it you were a child he didn’t even care about your feelings and tell him “one day I hope you feel as alone as I did in that day and maybe it will be when your cold dying in a hospital bed and no one’s holding your hand simply because someone else was more important”
I am sorry that you had to deal with your mom’s passing alone. You are 100% right to separate from them. NTA
NTA. People like your dad seem to think their kids of old will be fine being put in a holding pattern while they be the big heroic parent their new step-child ‘obviously’ need in their life, obliviously unaware of how their neglect is killing their relationship with said old kids until it slaps them in the face with a cold burst of reality. As for his wife, ignore her. Her only interests here involve keeping her marriage going now that your dad’s starting to realize how bad he messed up.
NTA-These are consequences of HIS actions. AND your stepmom is the Asshole for continuing to invalidate your feelings.
Haven’t we seen this, either in slight variations or in whole in this stream not too long ago? Including the brother being named ‘Tommy’?
NTA-OP I am sorry, unfortunately these things happen more often than people like to admit. The Brady Bunch was just a TV show, real life is rarely like that. Dad remarries a single mom, and understands that bonding with her child will have major affects to the success of his marriage. So he focuses his efforts on step kids, mom wants this to work so keeps pushing for more, and you get in the way of that.
Your dad made his choices. It is best to just keep some distance for now, maybe some day, as you get older there can be some kind of relationship in the future on your terms. I have no doubt he loves you, just did not know how to manage this, and failed.
NTA, I am sorry you had to deal with your mom’s death on your own. Your dad and his wife are AHs, your dad for prioritising playing saviour to his stepson and his wife for treating you like a second class citizen.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I can’t even begin to imagine how painful this must’ve been for you. You deserve to be loved and valued, it’s sad that the person who’s supposed to be your biggest support has failed to do so.
You’re not the asshole, he has failed you and you deserve better. Hopefully you’ll get it! 🍀
updateme
The ignoring of your father. Are you doing it to spite him or are you genuinely just done with him for the rest of your life?
NTA – he made his choices and this is the consequence. Tell his wife to fuck herself. Tommy is not the issue – your father is. It’s too little too late. They made the bed now they can sleep in it
NTA. Cut him out of your life like the weed he is.
Block him, change your number, he had his chance to be your Dad and he failed, at every single point.
He left his 13 year old child ALONE after his fucking mother died. That is despicable and unforgivable.
These are the actions of his consequences. I hope Tommy ends up putting him in a home.
He only has one son now, the son he prioritised and poured all his blood sweat and tears into.
Don’t expend any more emotions on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I’m so sorry you had such a shitty sperm donor
UpdateMe
NTA. Personally would have said. “My family died when mom died.”
Your father left you to go play with his stepson when your mother had just died!
Now he sees that he has lost you, he wants time with you!
Where was he when you had no one his stepson had his mother is he is you alone!
Is now he asking why you don’t want to know anything about him 🤦♀️?!
So they only wanted you to go on the trip cause Tommy wanted to hang with you now. How generous that they want to share Tommy’s time with you.
Move forward like you have.
NTA
You’re getting to 20yrs old. Check with your grandparents if there’s some money you stand to inherit. Maybe your mom left a trust fund in her will, and ‘dearest daddy’ wants to be besties so he can ask for it…..or the grandparents are going to leave YOU their house etc.
Emotional blackmail WILL happen if there’s cash/assets you inherit.
He’ll say you’re evil for not ‘sharing’ with tommy. How dare you etc etc. Tommy has [made up condition and/or autism etc] and NEEDS that money!
I’ve been here with 90% of my family. Stay strong don’t let anyone guilt trip you into finally giving him a second chance unless you personally want to.
I am waiting till it ends up on BORU. Preferably with at least 2 updates.
!updateme
NTA – I am really feeling sorry for you.
Your Dad needs to learn it the hard way. I guess he did not even realise that he always chose Tommy, but always has a good reason why he has to do so every Single time – his wife probably made sure, he chooses Tommy.
But there is simply no excuse for letting you alone when your Mom died.
Also as an adult he should have noticed his choices.
All the best for you!
My cousin had a similar situation after her mom died and her dad married a women with 2 children and they had two more of their own. In her case they tried to “force” a blended family and part of the “family rules” basically made my cousin the live in babysitter. The final blow came when she was going off to her dream ivy league and was told that the investment account with the proceeds of her mom’s life insurance which she’d always been told was earmarked for her college would be split six ways for each of the “children”. They suggested she use the money to fund community college and then two years at the local public uni while living at home and taking care of her siblings.
Led by her maternal grandparents the extended family rallied resources (even her paternal grandparents stepped up which REALLY pissed of the stepmom) and she graduated from her dream school Magna Cum Laude. About 20K in loans as I recall but a Fantastic job, Amazing husband and three bright, healthy, beautiful children. Stepmom passed right before Covid. The step kids who burned through their “college fund” without acutally going to college and are basically mooching bums, the half sibs made it through college and have jobs. Dad, despite crying, pleading, and begging has NEVER seen his grandchildren and spoiler alert he never will. Last year he actually contacted a lot of the cousins offering $1k for a picture of the kids.
NTA. Let your last message to him be a recording of Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle.”
NTA You are right about the consequences of your sperm donor. He needs to pay the price. Some people just aren’t that good and won’t change. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. Hopefully you have some good memories to take with you.
My cousin had a similar situation after her mom died and her dad married a women with 2 children and they had two more of their own. In her case they tried to “force” a blended family and part of the “family rules” basically made my cousin the live in babysitter. The final blow came when she was going off to her dream ivy league and was told that the investment account with the proceeds of her mom’s life insurance which she’d always been told was earmarked for her college would be split six ways for each of the “children”. They suggested she use the money to fund community college and then two years at the local public uni while living at home and taking care of her siblings.
Led by her maternal grandparents the extended family rallied resources (even her paternal grandparents stepped up which REALLY pissed of the stepmom) and she graduated from her dream school Magna Cum Laude. About 20K in loans as I recall but a Fantastic job, Amazing husband and three bright, healthy, beautiful children. Stepmom passed right before Covid. The step kids who burned through their “college fund” without acutally going to college and are basically mooching bums, the half sibs made it through college and have jobs. Dad, despite crying, pleading, and begging has NEVER seen his grandchildren and spoiler alert he never will. Last year he actually contacted a lot of the cousins offering $1k for a picture of the kids.
NTA
Congrats on your mental and emotional freedom.
Let’s hope he remembers you finally in his will – and if he does, take it – it’s his last chance to apologise for his actions that hurt you.
NTA. Some people are so selfish that they could never love a child except they are sleeping with the other parent of the child, which is why it’s absolutely possible for a person to be a wonderful step-parent and a useless parent.
Please block your dad and his wife, they suck!!
Huh. Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” is running through my head
‘You say tomato I say tomato. Call it want you want X. Doesn’t make a blind bit of difference what you say. I consider myself an only child and orphan. Take your drama elsewhere.’
Nta. Just block his wife. He was a piss poor dad to you. And that ship has sailed.
NTA. Your dad’s wife sound like she never tried to be a step-mother to you. She always wanted him to be there for her and her son. Tell her it’s none of her business and to eat a bag of dicks. As far as your dad, not being with you aged 9 the day your mom died, no matter what else was going on, was enough to justify your actions. To hell with all three of them and build a chosen family from people who will love you and support you. All the best to you!
The cat’s no longer in the cradle. He made his choice and now gets to live with the consequences. NTA.
NTA simply ask your dad to list one time where he picked your events over Tommy’s