I (26F) worked all day today and then drove my (long) commute home, excited to prepare dinner for my partner (26M) and I.
I made pulled pork, baked potatoes, green beans, rolls, and black eyed peas.
I grew up in the south and grew up eating black eyed peas. I love them, plus my mom had given me some that my parents’ neighbor had given them out of their garden.
I wanted my partner to try at least one pea because he had never had them before and I wanted to know what he thought of them.
He was reluctant to trying them but I put the tiniest spoonful on his plate, saying it’s fine if he didn’t like them and he didn’t have to eat any more than one bite, I just wanted him to try them. He didn’t grow up in the south so they were not a part of his culture growing up.
He looked at them on his plate and was annoyed that I put them there and said “they don’t look good” and “they look moldy.” I got kind of annoyed and told him to just try a bite.
He took a bite of one pea and said he didn’t like them. I said that was fine, I just wanted him to try them.
Well, despite giving no indication in the past 45 minutes while I was preparing dinner that he wasn’t hungry, he sat back from his plate and said he wasn’t hungry and didn’t feel like eating.
I immediately asked him if it was because of the peas, apologizing for pushing him to try them and telling him I could scrape them off his plate for him (despite this feeling like gentle parenting a 5 year old and not a grown man). He denied that it was anything to do with the peas, but his energy was off.
I ate dinner by myself and then cleaned up the kitchen by myself. I went to the bedroom because I felt upset and pissed off that he had reacted that way.
I calmed down and then went back out to my partner and said, let’s talk about the peas. I’m sorry I pushed you to try them, are you annoyed or mad at me about it?
He said no, he wasn’t, that I hadn’t done anything wrong and I didn’t need to apologize.
I said he could be honest with me if it had bothered him or pissed him off, that he seemed off. He continued to say nothing was wrong. I’ve been with this man for years, I feel like I can tell when something is off about him.
I told him I was upset by the way I felt he acted and he apologized, but continued to reiterate that he was acting normal and not upset.
He did not end up eating the dinner I had made (and purchased the groceries for). He heated up leftovers and then when I asked if he wanted to go to bed at the time we usually do, he said he wanted to watch a movie on the couch. This is not typical of him.
TL;DR: AITA for forcing my boyfriend to try a new food?
Comments
Sounds like it’s not really about the food….
In not talking to him about this ahead of time, you pretty much treated him like a child. YTA fro springing it on him without warning
(of course, reall pulled pork and black eyed peas start preparation the night before)
I don’t think this is about the peas. Couldn’t tell you what though.
You offered a new food politely, and his reaction was incredibly childish and manipulative. He disrespected your effort and then gaslit you about his clear annoyance
Yta
You don’t want to feel like parenting a child? Great! Then don’t do it and accept a bloody no! You sound exhausting to be around. You seem pushy and overthink to the point where you create problems when there are none.
Let it go, at least for tonight and probably the next 24 hours. Go to bed and get some rest. He is a grown man and is responsible for his own feelings. Don’t fall into the trap of working so hard to make him happy. You had good intentions, you have apologized and tried to open communication so he could tell you what was wrong. Nothing more for you to do about it tonight. If he is indeed choosing to act like a chid, it is his choice.
YTA. He’s a grown adult. You shouldnt be harassing him to eat something like he’s a child. If he doesn’t want to eat, drop it.
He’s probably upset that you were talking to him like he’s a picky child instead of an adult who can decide for himself what he eats
Sounds like you may have triggered some childhood trauma or something.
Stop pandering to a man baby. He doesnt want to participate in adult conversations
… he prefers mind games.
Honestly. If he acts childish – ignore it. If he doesnt grow up, leave him.
Holy cow. Why are you with this utter child? Refuses to try something new, throws a tantrum at the dinner table like an infant, then sulks all night with a “I’m fine” in a passive aggressive way.
This red flag you’ve finally noticed. I’m 100% sure there are others you’ve kind of brushed off and ignored. Do you really want to be walking on eggshells when he gets the hump because he’s sulking?
YTA. Why are you behaving like a mommy trying to coax her child into eating. He’s a full assed grown adult, he can make his own food choices and they don’t need to align with yours.
ESH. You treated him like a child, but he acted like one.
Don’t cook for him. Just point him to the chicken nuggets and move on.
Parent of a picky eater here. YTA. I don’t even make my own kid eat a bite of food if he doesn’t want to. Can’t imagine doing that to an adult. The research says it takes multiple positive, no pressure exposures before a kid will feel comfortable enough to try a new food.
He’s giving me the ick
YTA. If he said he didn’t want black eyed peas, why didn’t you just accept that he didn’t want any?
He sounds like a massive baby. I would be thrilled to eat that food
NTA
He’s a manchild. NTA.
Only AH here is the child you’re dating.
ESH
Him- for not appreciating you cooked a meal for him and then not being up front about being upset.
You- for pushing someone to try something they didn’t want to. He said no, you pushed. Regardless if he has you try new things and you do, that’s you. He obviously didn’t want to.
Then you pushed him to talk about being mad or “off”. You were upset and went ahead and had time to yourself to cool off. You didn’t give him that same respect.
Honestly do you know how his day went? Something could have happened and this whole black-eyed peas situation might have exacerbated it. Who knows. I do think y’all need to work on y’all’s communication. This all became a bigger deal than it needed to be.
I am sorry that you went through all that trouble to cook a nice meal and it was basically ruined.
NTA. He knew what was for dinner based on your comments. If it wasn’t going to be to his liking he should have let you know when he was informed about the meal planning and grocery shopping. He sounds exhausting to deal with. One pea and decides he doesn’t like them? That was the BS I pulled when I was in kindergarden. That’s not the reaction of a mature adult.
Small YTA
I think the issue is you treated him like you were parenting him. An adult should have the autonomy to choose what they eat and what they have placed on their plate.
By pushing him to “try” it and forcing it on his plate, forcing him to take a bite, you basically treated him like a 5 year old. Same way a mother tries to force a child to try a new food.
You are probably upsetting him more by pushing and pushing and pushing. Let it go. Maybe tomorrow he will open up, maybe he will move on. Either way, you need to let it go.
I know you are unhappy he didn’t want to try your cultural food. My guess, your pushing put him off the entire meal, thus the choice for leftovers vs pulled pork.
Take the win in that you now have good leftovers for tomorrow and let him be.
Hmmm…. No does mean no
Not only did you force him to try something he already said no to, you kept fund on about it.
Learn to let go and go do something else.
You sound tiring.
What’s next, you gonna put a gun to his head and make him eat everything?
YTA
I’m gonna go ESH. I think you were probably being a little too pushy. I don’t like fish never have the smell makes me nauseous and I would be pretty annoyed if I said I didn’t want fish and then someone put it on my plate and pushed me into eating it. The fact that he said it looked moldy maybe ment looking at it made him nauseous. From my experience eating a food that makes you nauseous just by look or smell makes the nausea worse. However I also see where you are coming from and wanting him to try something important to you and your upbringing. Ultimately yea you shouldn’t have pushed it but he also should have communicated clearly to you why he was upset so you two could talk and move on as you gave him many opportunities to do.
I would have asked ahead about the food before putting in all that effort.
And if was him I would have tried a mouthful of peas and said they’re not for me. (Though I personally love them).
If he didn’t eat anything else though, that doesn’t make any sense. He got himself in a mood about something and that’s always annoying to not know why.
Is he normally picky. Did you forget he already said no to them before? He should have been able to speak up though.
Even if he already ate and forgot or didn’t know you were cooking, he could have easily spoke up
NTA
YTA. He didn’t want to eat it. Don’t force him to
Okay so what was your partners day like. Maybe ask if something happened that could be bothering him in the background.
I get it you worked, drove, cooked, and even paid for the food.
But I don’t think this is 100% about the black eyed peas.
You’re not his mother. It’s not your job to manage his eating.
Honestly, sounds like he already ate dinner before you got home.
YTA. You felt like it was ‘gentle parenting’ because that’s the scenario you created. He didn’t want to try the peas. Instead of respecting his decision – you acted like a parent trying to coax their toddler into eating a new vegetable. ‘Just a little on your plate. Just one bite…’
Would you appreciate being patronised in that manner? Even worse, you treat him like a child, act the martyr about the meal & then he apologies because YOU just couldn’t respect a boundary? Dude didn’t want to eat the peas. He said no.
YTA. As an adult you need to learn No is a complete sentence. For me if someone put something I have no interest on my dinner plate it would turn me off the whole plate. Just like it sounded like you had a long day, he might have too and just wanted to enjoy what he wanted to eat. Not be badgered into trying something you like. Just because you said you were making it for dinner didn’t mean he has to eat everything you make. He could’ve just enjoyed the pulled pork.
Fellow southerner here – some people need more accommodation than others when it comes to trying new foods and if you know your BF falls into that category then maybe there was a more savvy way to handle asking him to try a cultural food of yours.
That being said, I would be hurt too if my partner refused to try a special (from someone’s garden) cultural food without the self-awareness that he can engage with why the food is nostalgic to you and learn about your background without actually eating the peas.
Makes me wonder what other aspects of your life as an individual he chooses —as your partner— not to invest in nurturing. To cook, clean, and wind down by yourself without prior notice seems … one sided.
I have no idea what was going on for him. I do know that I personally have some pretty intense trauma from being pressured to the new foods as a kid. I’m 44 and autistic and still shut down if someone tries to push a new food on me, even if they are gentle about it. If this happened to me, I would also tell you that you did nothing wrong – because you didn’t. But I’d still shut down and also eat something else.
I’m not endorsing the behavior. I’m not okay with the fact that it’s still a thing for me, and yes I’m working on it.
But I’m dead serious when I tell you that if you asked me to try skydiving or try a new food, I’d ask for the parachute.
I definitely don’t think you’re an AH. But there might be something else going on under the surface.
This is super sensitive for me and hard for me to even post about it.
But I just wanted to offer the perspective that no, I don’t think you’re an AH. And I would believe him when he says he doesn’t think you did anything wrong. Chances are it might have nothing to do with you at all, it might have just hit a tender spot.
ESH. This whole situation feels really weird to me. Mostly, because of the dynamic at play here and that your boyfriend acted like a child. I would not cook for him, if that’s how he reacts in general to food that you prepared.
But I’m not ok with your behavior, either. You should never force something on someone. Even if the intention is good. And not treat anyone like a child or more like cater to them as they were a child, when they are already an adult. But the way he did go about it, was not great, either. I don’t know if the food was the sole problem. But best you let it rest for now, and try to communicate with him about it later to get to the bottom of what his behavior meant.
Another note: I get it, you wanted him to try something from your childhood. Because it’s a cherished memory, probably. He did react like my nephew (13) with his comments about the food. But I don’t even force my nephew to eat something, he doesn’t like. But I don’t talk to him like you did, either. I think a person can say no, when they don’t want to try something. Because they don’t have to.
NTA
But methinks you got some bigger issues with the manbaby.
I don’t force my partner to try foods..you straight up treated him like a child. My parents used to do this to me….I just had egg potato salad flashbacks. Please excuse me while I go pretend to throw up about something else….🤢🤮
No means….nag?
Well-this is easy. It’s obviously about More than just the Food.
Wow. Your partner is a total baby. Good luck. NTA.
YTA. No wonder he’s not telling you what’s bothering him, you clearly can’t be assed to listen to him.
NTA for asking him to try something new
YTA for not taking his words at face value. He told you MULTIPLE TIMES he is fine, he is not mad at you, he feels fine! You are your own insecurity kept pestering him.
He could have had a long day, he could seriously be fine. He could have not liked the peas and not been hungry at the time but tried them anyways for you.
Leave the man alone
He’s being a child. Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed, but he is literally being a big ass crybaby over eating a singular black eyed pea.
Sweetheart, this has absolutely nothing to do with what you cooked! However, if someone kept after me about the food the way you did I’d want to lock myself in another room with noise canceling headphones. Do you nag or gentle parent him like that often? If you do, stop!
There needs to be a whole other conversation had and it has nothing to do with dinner. You need to do very little talking and a whole lot of listening.
If he said he didn’t want to try the peas, you shouldn’t have pressured him.
He said nothing was wrong, so stop hounding him. Why keep pushing him when he’s shutting down on you? Why not just read the room and give him space?
I know you say you try foods he wants you to but that could be because you’re more open to new experiences or more adventurous with your tastes.
He doesn’t have to be the same.
Overall, stop pressing him. If he is prone to shut down and not have any dialogue with you, then maybe rethink the relationship.
But also maybe rethink placing pressure upon pressure on someone when they’re giving you all indication that they are not ready to engage.
I think, yeah you are TA. My husband is from the south, and there are just some foods I will not eat. Honestly, if you put even a tiny spoonful of cooked spinach on my plate, I would lose my appetite. That said, he has never cooked something and put it on my plate to try “just a bite,” like I’m 3. Grits? Nope. Red gravy and rice? Nope. Crayfish? Tried once. It just took once. Again, a nope.
I took dont think it was the vegetable. It’s how you treated him and made him feel. Like you were his mommy trying to get her toddler to try a new thing, not a grown man that had firmly told you he would not eat them.
Be his wife, not his mommy.
Oh my gosh everyone HE IS ACTING LIKE A BABY!!!
I made my (formerly) picky eater of a spouse try sushi with me. I made sure there were a couple of dishes they would def like, as well a few that I really loved and wanted them to experience.
I jokingly nagged until they agreed to eat with me. I was so excited for them to try it!
They hated 60%, tolerated 20% and to this day still like the other 20% You know what they DIDN’T do? Walk out of the entire meal I purchased like an ungrateful petulant child.
It seems to me that he said “no” when asked to try the food. That was his answer and you did not respect that. There’s nothing worse than someone who won’t take “no” for an answer. That being said,he’s a baby.
Why didn’t you talk with him about this before hand if you knew he hadn’t tried them previously? If I’m making something new for my housemate, I check with them first to see if they want to try it before putting it in front of them. I think your partner could have been a little more gracious, but you set the the two of you up for failure. YTA.
It may have been something out of the blue that is bothering your man. Maybe, truly I don’t know, so this is only a guess, but maybe he is trying to puzzle something out, to process it, and he needs to figure things out for himself before he bring his problem to you.
Hopefully, he’ll bring the issue to you. Fingers crossed.
YTA. If you treat your partner like a five-year old at mealtime don’t be surprised if he acts like one.
He is a fucking baby and I find it very concerning that your first response is to apologize to him when he is the one throwing a fucking tantrum.
Holy shit is this real? Hes that much a little bitch for trying a pea? Thats not a man. NTA
YTA I hate adults who try to make other adults try food they don’t want to try. Just let him not eat it. He didn’t want to and you wouldn’t accept it.
If he doesn’t want to eat something, don’t make him. I find it ironic some are calling him a man child, but then don’t realize trying to force an adult to eat something they don’t want to is already treating them like a child. I suspect you might do this to him in other areas of the relationship.
It isn’t your job to manage his emotions or try to get him to act right. I learned that the hard way over an entirely too long span of time. If he’s going to be a brat that doesn’t use his words, then that’s his chosen fate. Treat him the same as you usually do and wait for him to talk to you. You may have pushed too hard, but I understand what it’s like working with a brick wall. Sometimes you’re just desperate to get them to talk, and it won’t happen no matter how nicely you ask. NTA
Nah you’re not the AH especially with the communication afterwards. It’s good you want to share a part of your upbringing with him and it’s good he eventually tried them even though he didn’t enjoy them.
NTA, but why are you dating a child?
Doesnt sound like the food is the issue, however I am a picky eater and it absolutely pisses me off when people push me to try things. I’m not a child, I can eat what I want and try things I want, or not try them at all.
Yeah, theres more to this than the peas. My wife and I have vastly different tastes in food. I grew up in the mid-atlantic east coast of the US, she grew up on a farm in Minnesota. I love seafood and crabs, she’s not a fan. She loves pork…I don’t really like pork (except for shake and bake pork chops, and she doesn’t like that!) But we’ve been married for 30 years so we’ve tried things we’re not keen on. I’ll cook pork steaks for her even though I don’t like them. She actually had a friend teach her how to make Pigs feet and Greens because I told hger my grandma used make that. She doesn’t like to eat it, but she’s made it for me.
Though she drew the line at chitlins.
Wow, so you treated him like a child by putting a food he doesn’t want to try on his plate, cause you know best. Lol. Maybe he wants a partner not a parent. YTA.
You are so pushy omg. Dog with a bone type situation. Just leave him alone! When he says it’s fine, stop fawning and debating and begging him to tell you that no he’s actually angry at you and devastated about the peas, etc. Would it have made you happy to get a fight? Did you think the True Answer had to be that he was angry at you and that was why you hounded him? This sounds like a manifestation of anxiety that can’t be helping you. NTA. He may have been avoiding you at bedtime because you were being very weird and awkward.
NO. Not the asshole. Not his mommy either. He sounds like alot of work. Why are you coddling a grown man? You rushing home from work. Buying groceries and cooking what sounds like an awesome dinner I would think he would be appreciative or grateful. Do NOT feel bad. You didn’t do anything wrong. Next time, microwave him a frozen kids dinner. But im petty cause that’s what I would do. Then he’d have something to be pissed about. Screw that shit. Go have a nice bath. Fix yourself a drink – soak and go to bed.
We call trying a small spoonful of something we’ve never tried before a ” no thank you “serving. after you’ve had a bite and if you don’t like it, then you can say “no thank you “
Soft YTA
Chill out. It doesn’t really matter if he tries the peas. You are not his doctor or mother. He can choose what to eat and what not to eat without your repeated input. It’s also pretty condescending the way you approached and wrote about him. If you want him to be a grown man and not a five year old then treat him as grown but letting him eat what he wants.
Why are you dating a toddler? Ew.
YTA.
The point where you were treating him like a five-year-old wasn’t offering to scrape them off his plate. It’s the point where you nagged him into “just one bite, then you don’t have to eat them” as if he were a toddler who didn’t want to try broccoli. Then you kept pushing him to say he’s mad and accusing him of lying when he says he’s not. It’s not really surprising he wants some space.
NTA. Is he a toddler? Lol
He sounds like more trouble than he’s worth.
Maybe the clue was in his words “They look moldy.” Have you never smelled something or looked at something or tasted something that immediately turned your stomach? You got so nauseous you couldn’t eat anything? Perhaps this is what happened and he was embarrassed to admit it. The more you probed the more he felt like a baby and so he couldn’t tell you. I say drop it and don’t do anything like this again.
This is all I could think about reading this – if you know you know
https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/IT-S-NOT-ABOUT-THE-PASTA-by-mandicat/30842130.EJUG5
Black eyed peas are delicious… why was he being such a toddler about trying them?
Does he have food aversions or something?
Why are you trying to force your grown adult partner to eat anything? He can say he doesn’t like something and you should just accept it. It’s disrespectful as fuck to try to force him to eat something he doesn’t want to try.
Is this really so important to ask internet strangers for advice? It’s a very minor squabble in a relationship
YTA, I am GenX from the South and my family ate black-eyed peas and they smell, look, and taste nasty to me. I would have been put off by someone adding them to my plate and lost my appetite. You can’t make me eat them.
He said no, you didn’t listen and kept pushing, then kept pestering him about it after.
So what else is going on with the relationship? The problem wasn’t the peas
As someone who has a thing about food textures, it gets really old when people try to convince me to try something. People will insist that I try something. No. I don’t have to. I’m an adult. Some things don’t even sound good. I know people love sushi. I have zero desire to even try it.
Maybe you wanting him to try it brought up a bad memory from something else?
YTA
Why couldn’t you take no for an answer?
You forced them on him. I’m confident that he only took that bite to shut you up.
Start respecting people’s no.
You went from zero to capitulation and apologies SO fast. NTA for encouraging him to try them, but something is off here.
YTA I have ARFID and obviously idk if your bf does but if my bf treated me this way I would absolutely lose my mind. Especially the moldy part, if I said something looked moldy, he insisted I tried it, and I ended up not liking it there’s a very good chance I would just not want to eat for a while. AND if he followed up me not wanting to eat anymore with more questions about if I’m okay, left for a while and came back and BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN, yeah I would be insanely irritated
Was it a typo where you said he’s 26? Cuz he’s acting like a petulant 6 year old. NTA
Green beans I get, but black eyed peas are delicious!
Mama’s peas and sausage will always take me back to my childhood.
Definitely doesn’t seem like a food thing though, as others have said… Maybe he’s just got something heavy and unrelated on his mind.
Here’s the magic moment: you said try X, he said he didn’t want to. That should’ve ended it there. He’s an adult. He doesn’t need to prove that he doesn’t like it, it’s enough that he doesn’t want to try it.
Also, “…I feel like I can tell when something is off about him.” Do you believe anything he says about himself? He tells you he doesn’t want to try BEP, you keep at him until he does. He says he feels X way, but you’re convinced he actually feels Y. Is he ever allowed to feel the way he feels or are you constantly Monday-morning-quarterbacking his tastes and feelings?
If you want to not feel like you’re “gentle parenting a 5 year old and not a grown man”, stop doing it.
You’re tryna control his food, his emotions and even his bedtime. You sound annoying and problematic. I got stressed out just reading your diatribe, and have the urge to get away from you lol.
YTA for not leaving him alone. He said it wasn’t about the peas. Yet you keep apologizing and bringing it up.
You literally acted like a parent, like a mom, you said all the things a parent would say trying to get a child to try more foods. Also it’s not a super nice way to treat kids fwiw. It’s not a kind or respectful way to treat a partner or a grown man, and it doesn’t respect his autonomy.
Do a lack of boundaries come with your Southern family too? because it kinda sounds like you didn’t perceive this as an issue.