I (26M) have always taken my sister (22F) out for her birthday for the past couple of years. I’m the older sibling, I have a job, and I’ve paid for plenty of dinners for her – including my own birthday dinner early this year.
She graduated college earlier this year and just started her full-time job. On her birthday, I asked if she wanted to grab drinks. I was planning on paying, but she ordered the most expensive cocktails, and by the end of the night her drinks made up about 70% of the bill.
When you check came I explained that it was not fair for me to cover the bill and she can pay some now since she has a job too. She ended up paying, but was really quiet on the ride home.
I thought it was fair since I have covered her birthday and more for years, and it didn’t seem fair to pay for a tab that she mostly ran up. AITA?
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I (26M) have always taken my sister (22F) out for her birthday for the past couple of years. I’m the older sibling, I have a job, and I’ve paid for plenty of dinners for her – including my own birthday dinner early this year.
She graduated college earlier this year and just started her full-time job. On her birthday, I asked if she wanted to grab drinks. I was planning on paying, but she ordered the most expensive cocktails, and by the end of the night her drinks made up about 70% of the bill.
When you check came I explained that it was not fair for me to cover the bill and she can pay some now since she has a job too. She ended up paying, but was really quiet on the ride home.
I thought it was fair since I have covered her birthday and more for years, and it didn’t seem fair to pay for a tab that she mostly ran up. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The action that should be judged was me making her pay some on her Birthday. 2) I could be seen as the asshole for not paying my sisters bar tab after inviting her out
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Paying was kind of her.
YTA! You invited her out on HER birthday so you should’ve paid. You could’ve said moving forward can we take turns or split the bill.
NTA – there is a general etiquette of being considerate while going out on someone else’s dime.
ESH.
It’s your sister. Nothing prevents you from opening your mouth and saying something like “let’s grab some drinks, wanna pay for your first drink, now we’re equal”.
I understand it’s not fair, but since when not communicating with your own literal sister becomes a norm?
You should’ve definitely said something before the tab came. You invited her for bday drinks, you always pay for bdays… Managing expectations are important.
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ESH
When someone else is paying, it’s an AH, move to go crazy spending their money.
That said, you should have either called it an early night, or let her know after the first couple of drinks that you were at your limit. You had established the pattern of paying for her birthday outing, and you invited her out for drinks, so refusing to pay without a heads up in advance is also an AH move.
Yes, YTA because you set up an expectation in previous years and didn’t prepare her for something else this year. If love is more important to you than money, apologize, pay her back, and move on, knowing that you’ll get money again, but that the erosion of a relationship is unstoppable and sometimes irreversible once it begins.
YTA for not discussing this first before the bill came. If you’ve paid every time before, that’s what she’ll expect, obviously. If this time was going to be different then you should have told her that up front.
Edit: ESPECIALLY since it was her BIRTHDAY! My goodness.
Yes YTA. You invited her out for her birthday, have always covered the tab, intended to cover the tab and then last minute told her to pay. If you want to giver her a spending limit then do so ahead of time, don’t punish her for having a good time.
Yes, you should’ve communicated better. You invited her out on her birthday. Clarifying that you were only getting the first drink would’ve avoided this.
YTA. You are her big sister and she was celebrating. If it were a friend I’d say otherwise.
NTA – honestly shes the real AH here! She’s out of collage and it’s time that she learns how it works in the real world!!! Never a free lunch… but I get her WOKE DEGREE didn’t teach her that!
ESH. Your sister for taking advantage, and you for not saying anything until after. You also still could have paid for a drink or two of hers and she pay whatever else she ordered.
YTA. Point blank period. If I’m inviting someone out, that means I pay. Sure there’s still a risk they might order a lot but it still stands. If I can’t afford it then I’m not inviting them out.
YTA
I would have stated that her bar bill was extremely excessive. Going forward now that she is a working adult it is usually etiquette not to over spend someone else’s generosity.
Maybe the next celebration she could pick up the check.
You need to call her and tell her you shouldn’t have handled it the way you did but you felt taken advantage of.
Then repeat the above sentiment.
YTA. You asked her out and why are you keeping score of how many times you paid for her when when she was younger and in school? Did you do it because you thought you should be paid back, because you sure made it seem that way.
YTA
You invited her and have always paid so it’s fair she assumed you were treating her. Then you changed the rules at the end of the evening.
If you didn’t want to pay, you should have said something when she ordered the first drink.
Tacky, bro…
YTA – you invited her out and had the opportunity to say something at a certain point. I know it can be awkward but i think asking her to pay in the end is worse than having said “hey I’ve got everything & this last drink you just ordered but if you want another that’s on you!” But you didn’t. You sat there and watched her continue ordering and said nothing until springing the bill on her.
ESH. She sucks for ordering all the drinks without consideration of someone else’s pockets and you suck for literally watching her do it and didn’t say anything until you got the bill
Good for you, great job!
YTA, she was celebrating and wasn’t very thoughtful. That will come with time and experience. The right thing would have been to set expectations at the beginning of the night.
You established a tradition, said nothing about changes in your policies before her order, and then just dropped it on her. You, with your stable job, found that bill disturbing. Imagine how she felt. YTA
YTA because you didn’t communicate.
If you paying was conditional, you should have said that at the start. She came into the night with the expectation that you were covering the bill. At some point in the night, you decided she was taking the piss (fair enough!), and instead of saying something to her at the time, you waited until the end of the evening.
Was Sis inconsiderate for ordering expensive cocktails? Sure. But she was only following a precedent that you admit yourself had been set years ago. If the situation has changed now that she’s earning, then you need to open your mouth and clarify that before the bill comes.
ESH but more YTA. You invited her out to a yearly tradition you started. You then pulled the rug out from under her after you both participated in the tradition. That sucks and while it’s small beans to you, I’m sure she’ll never forget it. You made her birthday worse and you likely damaged your relationship, even if that doesn’t become obvious at first. You planted the seed of doubt and mistrust
Jesus Christ, YTA. It was her birthday. How much of a cheapskate can you be.
NTA. I would have done the same thing. It was obvious that she was taking advantage of your past generosity by guzzling drinks. When does it end? Just because you’re the older brother does not mean that you’re her bottomless wallet. Did she do ANYTHING for your birthday or just let you pick up the bill for your own dinner?
Why the selective mutism with your sister? You couldn’t say after she grabbed an expensive cocktail something to the effect of “I’ve got your first 1-2 drinks, the rest is on you” or “I’ve got $X to go towards your tab as a birthday gift”.
YTA.
Yta, ambushing her after the bill was done was an asshole move, at the start of dinner you could have said, “my plan is to cover dinner and a cocktail now that your working”
If a status quo is being changed, it’s best to do it when you won’t embarrass the other person
ESH You should have told her ahead of time what your budget was so that she could’ve planned accordingly so it would’ve been a little bit better.
YTA
Dont make a tradition out of going out and buying someone stuff, and then completely back out at the last minute. YOU decided to ask her to celebrate. YOU made the expectation of covering it by doing it every previous time. You are siblings yet you keep track of how much money youve spent on her, and she hasn’t on you? Wild.
You cant expect someone to pay for their own drinks, when YOU invite them out to celebrate their birthday, especially when you have made a habit of it before. End of story. That’s like taking someone to a jewelry store with the expectation of them getting something, having them pick out their favorite one, and then saying “awesome did you bring your wallet?”
NTA. Y had no reason to say you would not pay the bill like normal, since you did know sis was going to rack up the bill higher than usual until after she did it.
YTA — On previous birthdays, had she been in the habit of ordering lots of very expensive cocktails? Or was it this one time? You should have told her before ordering drinks that you had limited budget.
>I (26M) have always taken my sister (22F) out for her birthday for the past couple of years. I’m the older sibling, I have a job, and I’ve paid for plenty of dinners for her . . . .
>She graduated college earlier this year and just started her full-time job. On her birthday, I asked if she wanted to grab drinks. I was planning on paying, but she ordered the most expensive cocktails, and by the end of the night her drinks made up about 70% of the bill.
These are big milestones. A new graduate getting a job quickly getting in this economy is quite an accomplishment. We know you despise college graduates but if it was a scam, as you claim in another comment, then she’d have struggled longer to get a job, don’t you think? She was probably looking forward to celebrating with you.
Maybe she would have been an asshole, too, for running up the tab but after you demanded money, she didn’t argue or refuse.
She paid without comment or complaint. She did not cause a ruckus. She did not yell at you, The only thing she did was sit quietly in the car. She was disappointed in you. She behaved graciously despite your rudeness.
You sound resentful and you’re keeping score. Gifts should be given with no strings, no obligations.
>I thought it was fair since I have covered her birthday and more for years,
So what exactly did she do wrong besides order too many cocktails and then pay for them?
Nta
Talk to her be sure that she knows why you said what you said. As long as she’s willing to talk, you both listen to eachother, and no one yells at eachother you will make it out.
YTA. You should have asked her to pull back during dinner if you were worried about the price. It sounds like you always paid in the past regardless of the bill.
Oh her birthday, with no warning? Absolutely YTA.
YTA. Not because you didn’t pay, but because you didn’t set the expectation that she was paying the bill until the end of the outing.
You invited her out on her birthday, and then made her pay? You know, that kind of does suck. There’s definitely a kind of precedent that you set, then broke… on her birthday. Of all day’s. YTA
You waited until the check came to surprise her with “Hey, even though I’ve always paid for these outings, tonight you get to cough up some cash”?
Oh, yeah, YTA for not saying that up front when you were planning the outing.
Info: Does she do this every birthday? Or do you think that maybe it was because it was her birthday, plus she just graduated AND got a new job? You’re still the AH, tho.
YOU should’ve been clear she would be expected to pay when you invited her out.
SHE shouldn’t have ordered the most expensive drinks because she assumed you were paying.
ESH.
ETA: allCAPS is for emphasis. I’m not yelling.
YTA. If you really need the money, then the way to handle it (after the bill comes) is to mention the night got a lot more expensive than you thought (don’t single her out) and would she mind grabbing the tip. The amount should be similar but it doesn’t feel like you’re punishing her for having a job.
And don’t assume you’re equals now that you both have jobs. She’s still going to see you as her big sister who looks after her. Or at least she did. You might have changed that now.
YTA for not acting like an adult and speaking up when she ordered her first drink. You could have said something then but you didn’t. Your sister is TA for ordering expensive drinks on what she thought was someone else’s tab. You both need to grow up and start acting like adults.
This is a learning experience for both of you. Setting up boundaries keeps this kind of thing from blowing up. If you had gently placed your hand on hers and told her that if you were going to pay you needed to no longer order drinks. She also learned just how expensive living in the adult world really is. Apologize to her and tell her you did not realize she was running up such a steep tab. I guess you are a low key AH.
If I invite my brother somewhere for their birthday and they order a ribeye and drinks I am still paying.
What kind of twisted sense do you have to think that they would be okay with this? Especially on their birthday?
So tacky.
OP IS CAPTAIN YTA
Since it’s customary in your culture and in both your and your sister’s personal customs to pay for the birthday person’s food and drinks, you should have explicitly warned your sister that you did not intend to follow this tradition this time.
YTA
Of course YTA. You’ve created a custom and you ignored it. If you were not going to pay for her you should have told her before her second drink.
I’m going with YTA. Your sister shouldn’t spend another’s money willy nilly, but she is young, and someone she trusts should teach her that. You were there when she started ordering and could have, at any time, asked her to keep her total somewhere close to what you are comfortable paying. Idealy this should be stated before dinner how much you expect to pay or that you expect her to pay.
YTA – if you invite someone out to celebrate THEIR BIRTHDAY then you pay.
If you’re not planning on paying then don’t invite them out or at least say so before the event so they know whether or not they wish to budget going out to celebrate.
ESH. She shouldn’t have tried to take advantage of your previous generosity. You should have told her when she ordered that first drink “You’re paying for those, by the way.”