My wife (28f) and I (30m) want kids, but her teaching job does not provide paid maternity leave, so we agreed to wait for a summer birth so at least a portion of her time off would be covered for free and without us having to use all her accrued time off and having to supplement income after that.
She asked to move the timeline up, saying she would rather miss the end of the school year than the start, and if we aimed to get pregnant in end of May/June, it would only result in 4-8 weeks of time off at the end of the school year before summer would hit. I agreed with this and she was happy to sooner try to have a child.
She started ordering prenatal supplements, went off birth control and is tracking her cycle. She assured me this is normal and you can never start these things too early.
I was fine with this, but when I mentioned that would mean we would start needing to have safe sex to avoid getting pregnant before the right time, she became upset. It started to become clear to me she just wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible and wasn’t really concerned with the timeline that would be best for us financially.
I understand that there’s never a ‘perfect time’ for a baby, but we had agreed upon this time to start, and if it took longer we wouldn’t stop trying, we would just continue to save up money to make sure we were covered if it did happen in the middle of the school year. Let me say we are by no means rich, if anything we’re just getting by as it is due to the amount of debt we have. I’m already working two jobs and if we had the baby too soon it would be a few thousand dollars in income we would have to supplement and I don’t think we would be able to without going into more debt.
She began to argue why we couldn’t just start trying to have a child now, and made it clear that it was just what she wanted and that we could figure the money out. I told her it would be a poor financial decision for us to not just wait.
She told me that she has a fear of being infertile, and that these two months would be very stressful for her to have to wait. I thought it was a bit fishy that she only brought up this point after I was very steadfast in my position of waiting until the previously agreed upon time, but when I called her out on that she just got very upset for me not believing her. She’s told me I’m not acknowledging how hard these next two months are going to be for her mentally and emotionally.
We are also going on our honeymoon in June, and I’m surprised she would even want to be pregnant on a cruise outside of the country, especially when two of the excursions we selected are wine tastings she wants to do.
We’ve both been very clear in our positions and that we disagree with each other, and I ended up sleeping on the couch last night. I’m concerned that these next 2 months are going to be hell for her and for how she’s going to treat me if I don’t give in.
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My wife (28f) and I (30m) want kids, but her teaching job does not provide paid maternity leave, so we agreed to wait for a summer birth so at least a portion of her time off would be covered for free and without us having to use all her accrued time off and having to supplement income after that.
She asked to move the timeline up, saying she would rather miss the end of the school year than the start, and if we aimed to get pregnant in end of May/June, it would only result in 4-8 weeks of time off at the end of the school year before summer would hit. I agreed with this and she was happy to sooner try to have a child.
She started ordering prenatal supplements, went off birth control and is tracking her cycle. She assured me this is normal and you can never start these things too early.
I was fine with this, but when I mentioned that would mean we would start needing to have safe sex to avoid getting pregnant before the right time, she became upset. It started to become clear to me she just wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible and wasn’t really concerned with the timeline that would be best for us financially.
I understand that there’s never a ‘perfect time’ for a baby, but we had agreed upon this time to start, and if it took longer we wouldn’t stop trying, we would just continue to save up money to make sure we were covered if it did happen in the middle of the school year. Let me say we are by no means rich, if anything we’re just getting by as it is due to the amount of debt we have. I’m already working two jobs and if we had the baby too soon it would be a few thousand dollars in income we would have to supplement and I don’t think we would be able to without going into more debt.
She began to argue why we couldn’t just start trying to have a child now, and made it clear that it was just what she wanted and that we could figure the money out. I told her it would be a poor financial decision for us to not just wait.
She told me that she has a fear of being infertile, and that these two months would be very stressful for her to have to wait. I thought it was a bit fishy that she only brought up this point after I was very steadfast in my position of waiting until the previously agreed upon time, but when I called her out on that she just got very upset for me not believing her. She’s told me I’m not acknowledging how hard these next two months are going to be for her mentally and emotionally.
We are also going on our honeymoon in June, and I’m surprised she would even want to be pregnant on a cruise outside of the country, especially when two of the excursions we selected are wine tastings she wants to do.
We’ve both been very clear in our positions and that we disagree with each other, and I ended up sleeping on the couch last night. I’m concerned that these next 2 months are going to be hell for her and for how she’s going to treat me if I don’t give in.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m refusing to have a kid with my wife for 2 months due to money concerns and maternity leave issues.
I think it may make me an asshole because a lot of people dont think having kids should be a money issue/you should just figure it out and it’s more important than money.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Both people involved need to be on the same page about planning to have children. If she’s that worried about her fertility, there are medical tests that can reassure her. Stick to your guns – you made an agreement, and it should be honored unless you’re ready to change the timeline. If she’s going to treat you badly every time she doesn’t get what she wants when she wants it, you’ve got more problems than the timing of a pregnancy.
Just because you “plan” to have a summer birth doesn’t mean you will. That’s not how these things work. Either you want to have a child together or you don’t. But to think you can time things perfectly according to your schedule is wild. You try and if it happens it happens. If not you keep trying.
NAH – you’re both being a bit ridiculous but I hope that you can actually sit down and work this out like adults.
The most important thing for you to realize is that if you need to game her time off that carefully you absolutely cannot afford to have a child now.
ESH. Purposefully trying for a baby is 2 yes. That being said, it sounds like you are downplaying her concern for potential infertility. I feel that your plan to magically get pregnant at the exact time that works with your schedule is likely unrealistic
NTA. Financial stability is crucial when having a baby. She needs to respect the plan you both made.
Info – what happens if she doesn’t get pregnant on schedule, do you go back on birth control and wait another year?
NAH. There is nothing wrong with getting started on the prenatal vitamins with folic acid early BUT it would be better if she was still on birth control.
A pregnancy is 40 weeks, roughly nine months. If your wife wants to give birth in the summertime, she should want to conceive sometime on October or November.If she conceives in May/June, she will give birth in February/March, which is three or four months before the school year ends.
You might want to consider that you can’t afford a child for another year or two.
You shouldn’t try until you’re both ready but, I hope you know that it sometimes takes months, if not years, for perfectly healthy, fertile partners to get pregnant. What are you planning on doing? Trying for a couple months to have that perfectly timed baby then stopping for 9 mos and trying again? It could easily take years at that rate.
Maybe she is already pregnant and that’s why the rush
Soft YTA. Mostly because I think you are misinformed about normal fertility. It’s not common to get pregnant immediately, and as a former teacher who missed the beginning of a school year, your wife is absolutely right about which part would be better to miss.
Also I am a bit perplexed as to why you can’t set aside some money for unpaid leave over the next year. If you don’t have the room in your budget to do that now, how do you plan to pay for hospital bills or daycare?
ETA: Read your post again and almost want to say ESH because it sounds like with your financial situation, you should both be taking a year to get your home in order before rushing to add a kid to the mix. Speaking as someone who got married at 30 and had my son at 32, I’m glad we were on solid ground emotionally and financially before becoming parents.
YTA. You can not predict when she will get pregnant or at all but you can’t rely on just a 2 month window. You sound like you do not care about your wife. By the way excursions can be changed if by chance she got pregnant. I hate when men try to mansplain women’s fertility. Depending on how long she has been on birth control it could take years for her body to get right again. She could also never have a child because of you trying to time something. You want to start a family then do so. Don’t put that added pressure on your wife of perfectly timing it. The more a woman gets in her own head and times things and all the the more devastated they are when the time doesn’t work out. The only way for you to perfectly guarantee a date would be invetro or IUI’s. And even that is going to cost you more money than the lost wages. You either want to start a family with your wife or you don’t. There is never going to be a perfect time.
ESH but you suck more and none of you seem to realize that waiting two months to start trying has very little bearing on when you might actually get pregnant nor when the actual birth could occur. Do you expect her to go back and forth on birth control if she doesn’t get pregnant in your acceptable window? Are you aware that there are a hell of a lot of things that can happen in pregnancy that might put her on bed rest well before birth? You need to get off the pouty couch and confront your own rigidity issues to examine whether you are really ready to be a parent because parenthood is a wild ride that a lot of that rigid control is going to buck up against real bad.
Ignoring the timeline issue, it really doesn’t sound like y’all can even have a kid in the first place.
To put it bluntly: unless you are fk’n 24/7 in the period that she would need to get pregnant to have a summer birth, and even if you are, it is very unlikely conception will happen on demand. Nature doesn’t work that way.
Looking at the rest of your post, are you sure you should even have a child? Two jobs, debt, and quite frankly the fact that you even have to time the birth in such a way as to minimise time off work is concerning. What of the baby is premature? What of there are complications, both for your wife or the child? Extended hospitals stays or sick leave?
You both need to think long and hard if this is the right thing to do at this stage in your life.
IMO you should just start. Because it doesn’t always happen right away. And what happens if you miss your ideal window?
ESH You can’t afford to have a child. If you’re this worried about a few thousand dollar financial hit, you’re not financially stable enough to start a family.
NAH. Ya’ll both have good points, but life doesn’t work on your schedule, it took my wife and I almost a whole year of trying before she got pregnant the second time around, plan all you want, your kid will come when they feel the time is right, not when you do.
If her losing 2 months of work is going to create a financial crisis you definitely should not be trying to get pregnant. What if she ends up on bed rest? What if your child is born early? What if your child has health issues?
If you guys are arguing this much over a discrepancy of 3 months what are the arguments going to be like when you try to decide on a daycare?
NAH but also you are not on the same page financially, it’s likely your wife isn’t want to go back to work as soon as her leave is over (reasonably as paid leave is absurdly short), and if two months really makes that much of a difference, will you actually be financially secure if you have a child in this timeframe?
Nta , sounds like a lack of communications and it’s very clear neither of you are ready for kids if you’re not financially stable. Don’t let your wife pressure you into having kids early.
But I’d say it’s it’s concerning that you’re afraid she will treat you badly if you refuse to give her kids earlier. Sounds like she’s extremely controlling, horrible HORRIBLE trait for a mother. I’d say you refuse to have kids with her at all until she fixes her attitude and stops trying to guilt trip you into having kids when you’re not ready.
You’re NTA but I would suggest that you sit down with your wife and listen to what she has to say. She’s ready for a baby now and just wants to get on with it. If there’s any way your budget can accommodate this, your marriage will be happier for it.
Are you guys bad at math? I don’t understand why you would be trying right now. If she gets pregnant now it’s going to be a January baby which is in the middle of the school year. She is only 28 years old it’s not likely she is infertile. If she is concerned both of you can go to the doctor and get your fertility checked. However, the going advice is it takes a year to get pregnant. They won’t be concerned till then. NAH
NTA. The fact you say at the end that you are worried about how she is going to treat you for the next 2 months says so much about her. Don’t accept someone treating you like garbage, because you want to uphold the plan that was made. She is being unreasonable. I get she has fears about infertility, fertility issues are real and tough. But its not an excuse for her to treat you badly for possibly MONTHS.
Since she has been on birth control, it might take a couple of months to conceive. I would start now. Even without being on birth control, it took me a couple of months each time we tried.
Am I the only one thinking she wants to use the baby as a reason to be a SAHM? I am picturing her delivery coinciding with the school year, then maternity leave giving way to “If I stay home it will save us daycare costs”. NTA but I would re-open this conversation because I’d bet that’s what she may be wanting to step back from work to embrace motherhood.
NTA
I do think the way you describe this is basically “we don’t have the money to do this” and it’s probably very difficult for you that she doesn’t understand that. I’m not one to jump to therapy but I truly think you need a mediator.
Side note. She’s on birth control. Which, at risk of sounding like an asshole, means it’s very likely her entire mentality on all of this may switch once she goes back to having a healthy natural hormonal system in place. Which puts you in a rough spot. Obviously it’s person and drug dependent, but most of the time women experience a serious change in perspective and mental health when getting off these steroids. Women are woefully unaware of this on average, and going from being on BC, to having a rebounding hormonal system, to pregnant is gonna be a roller coaster. Even if she’s on a copper iud it’s still gonna be a rough ride and you don’t sound prepared and neither does she.
Birth control is hell on women, personality wise it can be debilitating, you should seriously read into it for the sake of developing empathy for the fact that she may be unknowingly effected by her meds.
I’d suggest a short term mediator via therapy, in order to work out a game plan of trying but still sticking to what you said and practicing safe sex. But you need help empathizing with her. I know she seems unhinged to you, but you need to empathize more. She’s your wife and her fear of infertility is very natural for her.
Lastly you at least need a therapist to mediate for the now. It sounds like you don’t think the both of you make enough money, and she’s asking you to become a breadwinner suddenly at a higher volume than is possible. Truthfully it sounds like you both need a longer term plan, or really rich parents… you’re in a rough spot because if you just give in you’re screwed, but she’s attempting to coerce you into doing it anyway, which is not a healthy relationship to bare children. Stay strong, talk to people you know, and get a mediator involved if you love her.
Your last sentence is tough to read. If you fear she will take this out on you, you may need to consider how healthy your relationship is. She shouldn’t want to hurt you for being a smart responsible future dad. Plenty of women would love you for that. If she can’t see that, maybe you need distance.
ESH
If she’s worried about fertility she should see a doctor. You both need to put off having kids until your debt is better managed.
ESH and y’all are swiftly closing in on years where it may become clear why.
Pregnancies aren’t things you can schedule like vacations. You can try to shoot for good timing or delay until you have some money saved up, but trying a couple months and then calling it off until the next year is not a great strategy, especially moving in to your 30s. Especially if having kids is a high priority for you. Even if you are lucky enough to get pregnant within your preferred time window, there’s no guarantee things will go as you seem to expect.
Also, I notice you’re talking about modifications your wife is making to her lifestyle in order to prepare for conception but none of your own. Current wisdom is that your contribution is important as well and you may want to look at your own habits.
Please consider speaking with an OBGYN about this plan before going ahead.
YTA This is wild to me. I took about a year to get pregnant with each one so it doesn’t happen just like that for everyone. Even if she manages to get pregnant in this 2 month window it doesn’t mean she won’t lose it. Like other people are saying what if she doesn’t get pregnant are you going to go on birth control again till the next time. What if you luck up and do get pregnant with the right timing and end up with a premi two months early. The fact that you’re trying to time it like this to save money when there’s all these variables in play sounds like you can’t afford it.
NTA for wanting to wait until you’re more stable but wouldn’t it be crazy if she was already pregnant and trying to use this as an excuse to cover it up ASAP 👀
2 months won’t cause her to become infertile, what kind of child minded person did you marry she can’t put off her wants a whole 2 months to keep to the schedule you agreed on?
LOL at you thinking you can plan these things down to a few months. Having children will humble you.
I feel like you’re making fake barriers to having kids because you don’t want to out and out say no. Her reasoning makes sense, since your grand plan to get extra time off is moot if she has the baby mid-summer. The month or two before the break seems more ideal, since she can fill the gap with her accrued leave, and then make full use of the summer break. But all of that reasoning is worthless because it reads like you’re feeling very not ready, and so you’re putting up some very strict parameters, like a super tiny window of trying, wherein it’s unlikely to happen and after which she has to wait a full year to try again. Throw in some fights and sleeping on the couch and it’s even less likely to happen.
She does suck for trying to steamroll you into this, but you haven’t been upfront about not feeling ready and at this point she probably thinks she has to bust through all the barriers or it’s never going to happen.
NTA for sticking to the plan. Baby fever is a thing that you need to manage together.
However, it looks like you both are not in a position financially to raise a child. Money just doesn’t “sort itself out” and you, as a couple, sound like you are one tragedy away from financial ruin. Choosing to have a child should involve choosing to have 2 parents available to meet the child’s needs, which may require taking career step-backs and the financial implications that come with that.
ESH. It sounds like you both have more sit-down-and-talk time to do. No need to rush (I hope she can be convinced to sit back and relax, it’s so detrimental to your health and mental wellbeing to obsess over conception), you need time to just enjoy being eachother’s person and then let baby join when you’re both feeling mentally stable (financial stability does help to get to the point of feeling mentally stable, which is #1 most important).
ESH you two aren’t in a good place to have a child right now. If loss of a few weeks of pay will destroy you financially, then you both need to hunker down and get your debt under control before tossing what could be a HUGE disaster into the mix.
As others have said, what if she delivers early and the baby has to stay in the hospital, what if she needs to go on bed rest, what if she ends up with PPD – there are 5000 what if’s and it is almost guaranteed one or more of them will happen. You really need to at least have your debt well under control before taking a huge financial step like pregnancy/childbirth/raising a child (especially depending on where in the world you live).
NAH, but it doesn’t work this way. Good luck
ESH. I think you are both being wildly optimistic about how biology and pregnancy works, and that if a month or two of her working will make or break your finances, that this is a major problem.
What happens after a couple/few months off (whenever it falls)? Will she return to work, or will you be paying for childcare (which may well entirely negate the cash income from her job)? How will you buy or acquire a full new set of clothes for your child every couple months for the next several years? What about toys and food and equipment and diapers?
Also, I got pregnant both times the very first cycle we tried for my pregnancies, whereas my best friend took three-four years to conceive with no fertility issues that could be discovered. You really never know.
And then the pregnancy may only last 28 weeks, or it could be 42, though, yes, odds are decent that it’ll be in the 37-40 range.
Soft ESH-
I will always tell people who ask “what the best time of year is to have a baby” to NEVER plan on having a baby in a certain season or month. I was supposed to have a july baby..she came in may. 8 weeks early. Spent 6 weeks in the NICU. Not only this scenario..but theres no way to know that you are going to get pregnant in time for a summer baby. A healthy couple only has about a 20% chance of conceiving each month. It is normal for it to take 6 months before landing pregnant.
You need to expect the unexpected..and like another redditor said, if 2-3 months makes THAT much difference and will financially strain you guys..you should probably wait until your in a better spot financially. So many things could happen during pregnancy to make it so your wife cant work.
NTA. I think that the timing of the pregnancy to maximize your time off and financial situation is appropriate. I also think her fears are self generated as opposed to medically sound.
That being said, things don’t always as planned. If you don’t get pregnant this year, you’ll have to discuss going forward. Waiting for the perfect months to achieve a summer pregnancy is unrealistic in the long-term.
Also, I have concerns regarding your financial position. You say you have debts and can’t afford unpaid time off. Once the baby is here you’re going to have the additional cost of the baby and childcare.
I have a feeling that your wife may want to be a stay at home mom which will put the entire burden of supporting three people on you. Working three jobs yourself is not feasible unless you never want to see your baby and wife while they are awake.
You two have a lot to discuss. Good luck.
I am confused. If she got pregnant now the baby would be born in January? I can see wanting to have a baby at the end of the school year to extend maternity leave…but January she would have to return back to work before summer vacation.
Just. So. Many. Problems. Here. And YTA. First, if money is this tight, you need to consider more than the issue of waiting a mere matter of weeks. Secondly, are you really under the impression that you can time a pregnancy down to a matter of a few weeks? You cannot. You may get pregnant the first time you have unprotected sex, or it could take months. You both need to have a realistic conversation about these issues.
Babies don’t always work the way we’d like. Sometimes it takes a lot more time to get pregnant than you think it will. Sometimes babies come early. Sometimes they come late. Sometimes they need to spend weeks/months in hospital. If taking extra time off is going to cause financial strain, you might not be ready for this. Babies are unpredictable and expensive.
ESH it’s funny how you think you’ll get pregnant and give birth on your set timeline.
I hope you’ve both discussed exactly how you want to raise this child, whether your partner is going to be a sahm or go back to work because it seems like she’ll agree to one thing then decide another on her own. What’s your plan if she refuses to go back to work? NTA
She needs to not have a child with you.
This makes no sense, for several reasons.
The first being, it can take months or years before you get pregnant once you do start trying. There’s no “we’re going to start at this point, and then we’ll have the perfect amount of time off.” Nature just does not work that way.
Second, exactly how long do you think a pregnancy takes? If you’re shooting for a summer birth, I have news for you: human females gestate for longer than three months. And if you mean next summer? Then you’ll be waiting more than two months to start trying; for a mid-June baby, you’re looking at conception in early September, not in April. Or June.
And third, if you can’t afford to take an extra month off of work…how in the hell are you affording a cruise around the country?!
You both need to rethink all of this.
And I’d say you’re ESH here, because neither of you is listening to the other, neither of you sound financially ready, and neither of you are actually cognizant of the realities of fertility planning. And at this point? I feel bad for the baby you’re planning to bring into this mess, unless you get it together.
Oh…if she has a “fear of being infertile” at only 28? Then either she’s ridiculously ignorant of biology (women have babies into their 40s, all the time!), or she has some personal medical knowledge she’s not sharing with you. You should definitely question that more.
Ok… you can time things however much you want. Babies do their own timeline. My wife and I have had multiple failed pregnancies that didn’t make it past 8 weeks. We had a child born at 26 weeks and 90 days in the NICU, a child born at term, and a child born at 35 weeks with just a week in the NICU.
Babies don’t do things at the moment you want them to, before and especially after being born.
Also your first child … any child.. has the potential to rip your marriage apart. It’s so fucking stressful, especially the first one. If you’re fighting about this already… just know it’s 1000x harder later.
You don’t know when she’ll get pregnant, sometimes getting off of hormone birth control can make it hard to get pregnant up to a year. You can’t get pregnant on demand. Also, you need to discuss the high possibility of pregnancy complications, which are extremely common, and can cause her to have to leave work early.
Since you have financial concerns. You should have 6 months of income saved up to cover expenses before trying, bc you never know what will happen, and if she gets pregnant sooner than expected, and doesn’t align with the summer, you guys will be covered.
Nah. Y’all need to chill. Not only can you not possibly get pregnant when you want, you also aren’t going to give birth when you want. Kids show up when they damn well please. It took my wife and I over a year to get pregnant with our son. He was originally due 1wk before my bday. We had an elective c section scheduled for the week before his due date. Know when he actually came out? A week before the scheduled eviction date, so he was technically 2wks early. A friend of ours was 2 weeks late with her daughter. And she was pregnant at the same time as my wife. If $2k is going to make or break you financially while your wife is on leave, then, I’m afraid you really shouldn’t have a child right now. You simply can’t afford it. You two have plenty of time. Go back on bc and build your savings up to a point where it won’t matter when she gives birth, y’all will survive just fine. I was 35 and my wife was 38 when we had our son. Chill. Out.
NTA. Why, at 28, is your wife so worried about fertility that waiting 2 whole months will be unbearably stressful for her? I think she’s got baby fever and wants it now, regardless of whether you all are ready or what your agreement was.
And since you can’t know how long it will take to get pregnant, your timelines are just guesses anyway. Maybe this month, maybe next year. Instead of trying to plan around the school year (which is completely unknowable), it would make more sense to plan around finances, since you indicate that money is tight.
Bottom line is you both need to feel ready to bring a child into this world. “We’ll figure it out” is not a plan. You two need to have a serious sit-down, maybe with a therapist to help calm the drama, and come up with a plan that ensures all of you (you, wife, and child) will be secure with. Stressing over money with the stress of a newborn, on top of working, will not be a healthy environment for raising a child.
You state you ‘are just getting by’ and if that’s the case how are you expecting to cover the costs of an infant, childcare, etc…sounds like for a variety of reasons maybe it’s not time. Mind you I was a single mom working three jobs with my first and made it work but you seem to be complaining an awful lot about the entire thing so maybe it’s time to have a sit down to figure it all out.
No judgement on this one
Just letting you know it can take people months and even years to get pregnant successfully. Unless you lucky and fortunate, you don’t get pregnant first or second go at it when she’s off birth control so be prepared for that.
I personally got pregnant while on an unreliable birth control (I think it was novaring or a version of it). I had a second pregnancy(that I lost) a few years later, and that happened when I had transitioned from one birth control to another. Once I chose to try for another child a few years later, it took 2 years to get pregnant again.
It may or not be hell for her to wait the 2 months, but she sure will make your life hell in those 2 months
Ugh the fact that some employers in this country still dont give their employees maternity leave is shite.
Devil’s advocate plot twist—she’s already pregnant, which is why she wants to start straight away, to hide the affair and convince OP he’s the father…
NAH, just an uninformed and under experienced couple.
Oooft. If you think you’re having a hard time because your wife doesn’t care for your meticulous financial planning, just wait until you have a baby.
You can’t plan to the T like this. Pregnancy, childbirth and the early stages of child rearing are incredibly unpredictable. Unforseen costs are EVERYWHERE. I don’t know what country you are in or what your medical care is like, but have you factored in the other costs that go with having a baby? Scans, tests, hospital stays, not to mention the things babies need?
You’re both young enough to wait a couple of years to be closer to being able to afford this OR throw caution to the wind and start trying now. All I’m saying is planning down to the month/thousand dollars is a futile exercise when you’re talking about baby-making, baby-growing or baby-rearing.
You’re both the AH for planning to bring a child into the world when you clearly can’t afford it. It does not get easier to work more to supplement your income after the baby comes, it will only get harder. It sounds like you will be drowning. I would highly recommend couples therapy to really game plan for your future and get on the same page.
My dude nature doesn’t work that way, but are y’all sure you can afford this? Pregnancy is never guaranteed to last even the full duration, and what if she’s placed on bed rest?
I worked with a woman who had 2 pregnancies no issues and on her last pregnancy she ended up on bed rest from nearly the first trimester because she had to be hospitalized.
There is no guarantees when you’ll conceive. And then the big expenses start. What is the hospital copay for birth? How will you afford diapers and other necessities? What about daycare? These all add up fast
When it comes to the fertility concerns, it can be very stressful and it’s entirely possible she didn’t want to say anything. I have those concerns for over a decade before I finally brought it up to a doctor. Also to get any testing for fertility you have to be actively trying to get pregnant with no success for 6 months (I think) before they will do anything. There are also only 6 days that it’s even possible to get pregnant with the best chances for 3 of those days and the likelihood of implantation after an egg is successfully fertilized is less than 50% and even then there is a chance of miscarriage in the first trimester which brings successful pregnancies down to about 20-30%. Having a baby is in many ways a miracle. Please understand that stress on a woman.
All of that being said it doesn’t sound like you guys are in the financial position to have a child, you need to be honest with yourselves about the loss of income and the increased cost of having a child and make a plan together. If the loss of 2 months income will make that big of an impact on your ability to pay your existing bills then you might not be financially prepared for a child.
Oh boy. Well, as others have said, if your wife’s maternity leave is going to be that financially difficult on you, you may need to reconsider if now is the time to have a child at all.
Getting pregnant can take a long time. You may have miscarriages. You may get pregnant on day one.
I ordered the Modern Fertility test just to get an idea of what my fertility was looking like. It cost something like $240 (though some insurances do pay for it). Perhaps it would be a good idea for your wife to try. And if everything looks good, maybe you get your finances in better order and wait a few years to have kids.
Edit: typo
Psshh I also thought I couldn’t get pregnant. Was just minding our business 🤣 well here I am with my almost 7 month old. While it takes long for some, for others it can happen right away. You never know so I don’t blame you for wanting to be careful. You can plan, but honestly with pregnancy anything can happen.
You’re both being extremely presumptuous that it will be so easy and that nature will do what you planned 🤣