I (F21) live with my fiancé (M24) and we’ve been together for 3 years now. His mom and little sister visit our town a few times a year and after his older sister moved away they have been staying with us.
So 2 months ago we found out I was pregnant and my fiancé invited his mother and sister to visit us in a month though the days weren’t set.
So 3 days before they were supposed to arrive we found out I had a blighted ovum and I was devastated.
My MIL found out and asked my fiancé if they shoud postpone their visit but my fiancé told them to come anyway without asking me. I had to take medicine to empty my uterus and a day before their arrival I was given the first pill at the hospital. The day after their arrival (today) I started the actual miscarriage process. I didn’t wanna go through that infront of them, so I stayed at my mom’s (empty) house with my aunt through the roughest hours.
I was in extreme pain and bleeding heavily. After things calmed down a bit, I came home. I was laying on the sofa when they came back home from their shopping trip and I quietly said hi, but I was completely drained. They didn’t really talk to me or ask how I was.
Later when my fiancé came back from work he asked me to move to the bedroom since I made his family feel a bit uncomfortable with my quiet presence and I was taking a lot of space from the sofa.
I felt like a burden and cried a bit when I moved to the bedroom. He laid down with me for a bit and told me he was stressed cause he was feeling torn between me and his family. I told him I really needed him rn, but I ended up feeling guilty and send him to spend time with his family.
So here is were I might be an asshole:
Like I said these guest rarely visit us and their visit is really important to my fiancé. Last time they visited my OCD was acting up because I was having a lot of anxiety during that time. It made them leave early. So this time I promised my finacé that I would relax and communicate with them more and keep the ocd in check. (That ocd part I have nailed this time!)
So I have mostly stayed in the bedroom or quietly eaten in the living room. I have done everyting to not to bother them and tried to be invisible. I haven’t had the energy to make small talk. I thought they would understand.
My fiancé and I talked later and agreed we might do something together the tomorrow if I felt better. He also asked me politely to interact with his family. While he was at the gym I still wasn’t able to be social. When he got back and found out he was angry. He told me I should go back to my mom’s if I wasn’t going to engage and said our relationship won’t work if I can’t get along with his family.
I tried explaning how hard things are for me right now, and that I’m doing my best just letting them stay with us during this time. He didn’t take it well…
So am I the asshole for making our guests feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed?
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I (F21) live with my fiancé (M24) and we’ve been together for 3 years now. His mom and little sister visit our town a few times a year and after his older sister moved away they have been staying with us.
So 2 months ago we found out I was pregnant and my fiancé invited his mother and sister to visit us in a month though the days weren’t set.
So 3 days before they were supposed to arrive we found out I had a blighted ovum and I was devastated.
My MIL found out and asked my fiancé if they shoud postpone their visit but my fiancé told them to come anyway without asking me. I had to take medicine to empty my uterus and a day before their arrival I was given the first pill at the hospital. The day after their arrival (today) I started the actual miscarriage process. I didn’t wanna go through that infront of them, so I stayed at my mom’s (empty) house with my aunt through the roughest hours.
I was in extreme pain and bleeding heavily. After things calmed down a bit, I came home. I was laying on the sofa when they came back home from their shopping trip and I quietly said hi, but I was completely drained. They didn’t really talk to me or ask how I was.
Later when my fiancé came back from work he asked me to move to the bedroom since I made his family feel a bit uncomfortable with my quiet presence and I was taking a lot of space from the sofa.
I felt like a burden and cried a bit when I moved to the bedroom. He laid down with me for a bit and told me he was stressed cause he was feeling torn between me and his family. I told him I really needed him rn, but I ended up feeling guilty and send him to spend time with his family.
So here is were I might be an asshole:
Like I said these guest rarely visit us and their visit is really important to my fiancé. Last time they visited my OCD was acting up because I was having a lot of anxiety during that time. It made them leave early. So this time I promised my finacé that I would relax and communicate with them more and keep the ocd in check. (That ocd part I have nailed this time!)
So I have mostly stayed in the bedroom or quietly eaten in the living room. I have done everyting to not to bother them and tried to be invisible. I haven’t had the energy to make small talk. I thought they would understand.
My fiancé and I talked later and agreed we might do something together the tomorrow if I felt better. He also asked me politely to interact with his family. While he was at the gym I still wasn’t able to be social. When he got back and found out he was angry. He told me I should go back to my mom’s if I wasn’t going to engage and said our relationship won’t work if I can’t get along with his family.
I tried explaning how hard things are for me right now, and that I’m doing my best just letting them stay with us during this time. He didn’t take it well…
So am I the asshole for making our guests feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So here is the part were i think i was the asshole: Like I said these guest rarely visit us and their visit is really important to my fiancé. Last time they visited my OCD was acting up because I was having a lot of anxiety during that time. My cleaning habits, anxiety and me distancing myself rom them made them leave early. So this time I promised my fiance to be more welcoming (which i wasn’t)
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Sweetheart, you LOST your CHILD, and it looks like it was a child you were dearly looking forward to. You are allowed to grieve! So you are definitely NTA for not “putting on a fake happy face” for his family.
That said, you have a real fiance’ problem. He minimizes your feelings, steamrolls over your boundaries, and picks his family over you.
If it were me? I would be taking a good long look at the fact that as you no longer have this tie with him, perhaps it would be best in the long run for you to exit this relationship. Because he has ‘red flag’ written all over him.
NTA. you just went through an insanely emotionally taxing procedure and I am sorry that happened to you. your fiance should have asked you before inviting people into your home and I am of the opinion that he is not treating you with empathy during this hardship. it is not your responsibility to transform into a happy houseguest when something like this has unexpectedly happened.
His mom should have had sense enough not to come or if it couldn’t be canceled, be understanding that you didn’t feel like talking. She should have explained it to her son since he appears to be a tad dense. I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you feel better soon. NTA.
> My MIL found out and asked my fiancé if they should postpone their visit but my fiancé told them to come anyway without asking me.
NTA. Your fiance should have asked you, or, idk, thought for 2 seconds about how a miscarriage maybe isn’t a great time for overnights guests. I’m sorry you couldn’t be in your own home when you had to go through that and then made to feel like a burden when you were home. You deserve better.
NTA at all.
I am so so sorry for loss and I am absolutely seething over the cruel and callous way your fiance is behaving.
His mother and sister should have more sense and compassion for you.
But the biggest AH is your fiance. He is a failure as a partner. He isn’t supporting you at all during such a painful and traumatic time.
His behavior is absolutely appalling and if you want this relationship to work. He needs to go to counseling with you and understand how massively he has messed up and begin working to earn your forgiveness.
Maybe you should stay with your family since he can’t be bothered to be a kind and caring human.
His lack of concern for you is not okay. You went through a physically and emotionally painful miscarriage, and at this time, when you needed him to advocate for you and comfort you, he instead (a) let people come into your space, and then (b) made you feel bad that you weren’t a happy hostess???? What the hell?
Is that really the kind of partner you want? The kind you think you deserve?
NTA. And I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
NTA – you should have been able to count on your fiancé’s support through this, why isn’t he there for you? Doesn’t he understand what happened, what you are going through? It is just so out of touch that I’m left wondering why, it would be a big priority to me to find out and get to the bottom of it if I were you – as soon as you have recovered if course.
Additionally you should be able to count on the same kind of consideration from your fiancé’s family. It’s quite known that this kind of thing can happen in a pregnancy, and it is also pretty common understanding that it is hard for someone to go through this.
I am sorry you couldn’t count on your fiancé and his family when you went through this. I hope you get the support you need elsewhere and that you recover well.
NTA – tell your fiancé that when HE has to go through what you went through – then he can talk to you about manners. Reality is – he should have asked them to cancel bc you were having a major health issue.
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Everything I wanted to write on this post could not fit. I know my fiancé acted in a way that is not fine, but i just want to calrify that he is not a monster like he seems in this post 😂 he is really there for me when I have really bad episodes with ocd and anxiety. Overall a a good man. And I wanted to write that he has been next to me and comforting me since we found out about the miscarriage. He isn’t normally like this! The whole problem is his toxic relationship with his mom and the traumas he has. Makes him act out of character everytime they are in contact… unsolved traumas…
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If his family was in town why did he go to the gym, knowing you were unwell, and not up to entertaining? Why did he go along with the visit anyway? Especially since his mother did the respectful thing and offered to cancel the trip?
NTA but you need to seriously rethink this relationship. You’ve had to hide in your own house so as not to inconvenience other people with your pain and grief. That is not normal.
And your fiance wants you to control your OCD for the conveniences of his family? He can fuck right off. I have OCD. Of course you want to manage it, but you do that for your OWN sake. My husband would never say anything so awful, because he would never think anything so awful.
I really want you to consider packing up and going back to your Mum’s house until they leave. In-laws AND fiance.
NTA
Your fiance is an enormous gaping AH for letting his family come over without your permission when he knows you will be miscarrying. His family members are the same for taking him at his word, and all of them for acting like it was a normal visit, and all of them for blaming and criticizing you for this. He bloody well felt torn between you and his family while you are actually miscarrying? You need to move rooms? He needs to attend to guests??? He was angry at you for not interacting??? He thinks the relationship won’t work because of you??? Jesus Christ. Leave this filthy piece of trash immediately.
NTA. Go back to your mom. And break up with this guy. He doesn’t care for you. Let him be alone with his family and you take some time off dating.
NTA and I guarantee you that you are not the one making your guests feel uncomfortable/unwelcome. Your MIL offered to postpone the trip – she understands. This is all 100% your fiance’s fault.
If your MIL and SIL have any sense of a brain, they get what you’re going through. They understand you’re in pain and emotionally devastated. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if your fiance told them that you wanted their support, actually.
Your fiance is the only one expecting you to play perfect hostess. He has only thought about himself this entire time – he wanted his family there, he wanted you to entertain them. Your needs do not matter to him.
Go to your mom’s house and don’t come back. You deserve better than this.
Please don’t marry him. NTA. This is literally just the beginning. It will get worse.
Notice how his behavior makes you think you’re the problem? That’s how it will always be.
Imagine if you will….
You’re married and had a big surgery, and this happened….
Now again after c-section…
Again, while you are nursing a newborn and have a screaming sickly toddler…
Believe someone when they show you who they are in your weakest moments… that’s where their true level of empathy is found..
NTA but you need to reflect on this entire relationship, your emotional wants/needs in troubled times, and have a long discussion with your partner to determine if he can meet them… before you marry.
NTA Your partner is the asshole here. He should have absolutely told them not to come while you were going through this. He should have supported you throughout as well. This is unforgivable and a huge red flag. Sorry for your loss.
NTA- you can defend him all you want but if what you wrote is accurate, he’s a jerk. Getting mad at you for not socializing while you’re having a MISCARRIAGE is horrible.
NTA 1000000% Are you kidding me? You just lost your baby, went through a painful miscarriage and need your fiance’s emotional support and all he cares about is you being sociable? I really hate to tell you he is going to be a crap husband.
yta very convincing, your selfish.
Frankly, I lost it with the you’re up taking too much room on the couch. A woman can’t get comfortable as much as possible after a miscarriage ? Also, why is OP in charge of being the entertainment for his family? Reminds me of Brenda always finding a murder to tend to and leaving her husband Fritz to deal with her family.
NTA. You just went through a physically and emotionally traumatic experience. Expecting you to play hostess while grieving is incredibly insensitive. You’re not the one making people uncomfortable, your fiancé is for not prioritizing your well-being.
Incompatible
NTA
Go to your moms and stay there. You now know exactly how supportive your fiancé is. Don’t forget this- you deserve better.
NTA: He expected you to entertain them while going through this. He has no heart! Dump him!
NTA WTF OP’s fiance is dense and should have asked OP about postponing the visit. His mom and little sister, depending on how old they both are, should understand that going through an induced miscarriage is no walk in the park. Of course MIL asked if they should postpone the trip because she probably expected that OP would be feeling like shit and not in a hosting mood.
I’m very sorry you are going through this miscarriage. I’ve had 6 and they are all terribly painful, emotional and heartbreaking. You are NTA for any of this. Your fiancé and his family are.
If I were in your shoes, I’d be done with this relationship. Your fiancé is cruel and insensitive. You are young and gotta figure out your worth and what you will and won’t allow in relationships. Behavior like this is part of the “won’t allow” list. I’m very sorry.
I’m so angry for you omfg. You just miscarried your child, and he got onto you for making guests feel unwelcome??? Does he have any idea what you’re going through both physically and emotionally? NTA
NTA.
Your fiancé felt your miscarriage was at an inconvenient time?
Well, I henceforth I would find his dick to be at an inconvenient time.
And then I would find a new fiancé.
DO NOT MARRY HIM. RUN GIRL 🚩
NTA
So your “fiance” is more concerned w you putting on a smiling face for his family, and entertaining them while he’s at the gym? Get the fuck rid of this guy. Certainly don’t marry him! What even! You just miscarried your child, so sorry to make his family uncomfortable by not being social enough!
He is not supporting you now and will not later.
NTA. NEVER WILL BE TA. you needed support and your fiancé traumatized you instead. he absolutely should have postponed. your MIL probably suggested so BECAUSE she understood. hopefully she can give him a stern talking to. if my son ever even considered putting a woman through this he could find a new mom!
NTA, I think any reasonable person would understand that you are experiencing a physical and emotional trauma right now, and are not in a place to play hostess.
Your fiance is a massive AH for telling his mum to come when she offered to cancel, and expecting you to be social.
Go back to stay at your mum’s place with your aunt if you can, and get the TLC that you need at this time.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. HTA for expecting you to take care of his family when you are in need of support. He’s shown that he puts himself and his family before you and cannot emotionally support you. The fact that he didn’t want to be with you while you were miscarrying or support you (why wasn’t he worried about you at your aunt’s?) says he’s not mature enough to care for you (or even his own family). I wouldn’t keep him as a fiancé after this behavior.