I(f,35) have been married to my husband (m,36) for going on 15 years. When we were dating he was the sweetest, most romantic man I had ever met. He called me beautiful every day, sent good morning messages and talked about how amazing I was and how he couldn’t wait to start our lives together.
We got married and he changed almost immediately. There’s way too much to go into but I’ll focus on one thing. Before marriage he made sure every occasion was special and sweet. After, he acknowledged nothing. Our first real fight was the first Valentines Day as a married couple. I told him for weeks that I’d like to do something nice and when the day came he had done nothing. We went to the gym. I had gotten him something small(and only expected something small in return). I told him that I was hurt that he couldn’t take any time at all to put a single thought into it. He claimed that it was a stupid Hallmark holiday to make you spend money. I told him I didn’t care about fancy dinners out and I didn’t want him to spend a ton of money. Just literally any effort at all.
This whole time I was getting him small gifts, making cookies or brownies or a birthday cake. When we were invited to his families holidays I made desserts to bring along. I bought the presents too.
I’ve had enough. I never stopped doing it all because I enjoy doing nice things for the person I care about. But this year I decided to match his energy and see if he even noticed. For mothers day he had nothing planned and got me nothing. We went out to brunch with my mom, which I planned. So for father’s day, I made no plans and I still couldn’t manage to get him nothing so I got him a dad shirt and said it was from the kids. He seemed really disappointed.
I let it be and let him think on it for a while and finally asked like a week later how he felt about how father’s day went. He admitted that he was hurt that he had to plan the day himself and that I made it clear that the t-shirt was from the kids and not me. He was really disappointed but he figured I was stressed and just didn’t get around to doing anything. So I told him that I decided from now on I’m matching his energy and effort because I’m sick of being neglected while he always gets things from me.
He said “well that’s not a great way to go about things.” So I said, “what should I have done? Talk to you about it? I’ve been doing that for 15 years and nothing has ever changed.”
My birthday and our anniversary are coming up so we’ll see what happens. I already warned him that I’ve planned every single anniversary and even though this is a big one(15) I’m not planning anything.
He still thinks I was overreacting and kind of a b**** the way I handled father’s day but I literally just acted like he has for every single special occasion for me for our whole marriage. So… AITA?
Btw:divorce is not an option right now so please if that’s all you’re gonna say just don’t comment. Please. That’s not helpful.
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I(f,35) have been married to my husband (m,36) for going on 15 years. When we were dating he was the sweetest, most romantic man I had ever met. He called me beautiful every day, sent good morning messages and talked about how amazing I was and how he couldn’t wait to start our lives together.
We got married and he changed almost immediately. There’s way too much to go into but I’ll focus on one thing. Before marriage he made sure every occasion was special and sweet. After, he acknowledged nothing. Our first real fight was the first Valentines Day as a married couple. I told him for weeks that I’d like to do something nice and when the day came he had done nothing. We went to the gym. I had gotten him something small(and only expected something small in return). I told him that I was hurt that he couldn’t take any time at all to put a single thought into it. He claimed that it was a stupid Hallmark holiday to make you spend money. I told him I didn’t care about fancy dinners out and I didn’t want him to spend a ton of money. Just literally any effort at all.
This whole time I was getting him small gifts, making cookies or brownies or a birthday cake. When we were invited to his families holidays I made desserts to bring along. I bought the presents too.
I’ve had enough. I never stopped doing it all because I enjoy doing nice things for the person I care about. But this year I decided to match his energy and see if he even noticed. For mothers day he had nothing planned and got me nothing. We went out to brunch with my mom, which I planned. So for father’s day, I made no plans and I still couldn’t manage to get him nothing so I got him a dad shirt and said it was from the kids. He seemed really disappointed.
I let it be and let him think on it for a while and finally asked like a week later how he felt about how father’s day went. He admitted that he was hurt that he had to plan the day himself and that I made it clear that the t-shirt was from the kids and not me. He was really disappointed but he figured I was stressed and just didn’t get around to doing anything. So I told him that I decided from now on I’m matching his energy and effort because I’m sick of being neglected while he always gets things from me.
He said “well that’s not a great way to go about things.” So I said, “what should I have done? Talk to you about it? I’ve been doing that for 15 years and nothing has ever changed.”
My birthday and our anniversary are coming up so we’ll see what happens. I already warned him that I’ve planned every single anniversary and even though this is a big one(15) I’m not planning anything.
He still thinks I was overreacting and kind of a b**** the way I handled father’s day but I literally just acted like he has for every single special occasion for me for our whole marriage. So… AITA?
Btw:divorce is not an option right now so please if that’s all you’re gonna say just don’t comment. Please. That’s not helpful.
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> Actively deciding to do nothing for him because he did nothing for me and for the sake of getting a reaction out of him and maybe make him understand.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You can only take so much…
NTA. You’re not the AH but really you brought this on yourself. You stayed with this person who doesn’t care about you for 15 years expecting things to be different and now you want to complain about it. You should have gotten divorced a long time ago.
Why did you have kids? Why are you still married? YTA for bringing children into this situation when you knew what he was.
NTA- People hate getting a taste of their own medicine. Hopefully this was the lil push that he needed to see how he’s been neglecting your emotional needs. A relationship is just like anything else worth having and if you put in the effort to maintain it, it stays in good condition, but if you neglect it, it will eventually fall apart. Only thing about relationships though, is they take two people to maintain, not just one.
NTA. Marriage is a job that you can be fired from, people forget that.
Just so no one’s thinking I put up with this for a decade before deciding to have kids with him… I didn’t react well to birth control of any kind and ended up pregnant before we even for to our first anniversary. I was a mom way before I realized he wasn’t ever gonna change.
You should have asked him to tell you exactly all he did for you for mother’s day. And mention matching energy only when he (obviously) couldn’t come up with anything.
He needs to “see” it for himself, and he isn’t yet.
NTA but your husband sure is.
This whole passive-aggressive hurtful dynamic isn’t healthy.
Maybe for your anniversary, you can buy couple’s counselling sessions. If he won’t go, turn it into individual therapy and explore why you accept his bad behavior, and how you can turn it around.
I am going to tell you, in my family and friend group, we joke about “birthday months,” because we control the actual birthday – I like to take a half day, go to lunch, maybe buy myself a new houseplant and pot or something small. My brother’s work gives him the day off and he’ll order take out for dinner after spending his day antiquing. My BFF does b’day with her son, another day with her BF, another day with her parents, another day with me, and so on…
Do what YOU want. Don’t make your joy conditional on someone else’s behavior.
It’s telling that he only acted romantically until he had you locked down in marriage though. You should look up “honeymoon period,” because it’s what it reeks of to me.
NTA. Sometimes treating others as they treat you is the only way to get your point across. (Sad when that happens though.) Continue matching his energy, especially around his birthday. And please get comfortable with not getting him anything. Help the kids get him something (let it be something they choose if they’re old enough). Don’t soften because all that will teach is if he pouts enough he gets what he wants. Stay the course.
Wow, the absolute nerve of your husband being hurt, hell, he didn’t even get you a shirt from the kids for Mother’s Day…. how one-sided and shitty
NTA. If words don’t work, fight fire with fire. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If he can’t grasp that, he will never change.
The drastic switch between dating and married seems quite problematic to me personally, as my mother had that type of relationship with my step-dad for 15 years. Once married, you’re locked down, he doesn’t have to keep trying. That’s a problematic way to think, because if it doesn’t end in divorce, it’ll end in suffering anyway.
Encourage him to see a therapist with you, or to go by himself. If nothing else, he needs reflection. By telling you it’s “Not how I’d have done it” means nothing because he hasn’t done anything to fix or accommodate.
I wish you the best of luck, i hope it gets better and he stops taking you for granted.
And maybe, even if divorce isn’t an option for you, ever, separation might do him some good. Space to realize what he’s missing on. Sleep in a different room, or stop cooking for him, act like a roommate, not a wife. I’d only suggest this if he refuses therapy.