I (43M) have been with my girlfriend (34F) for several years. She’s been self-medicating with alcohol for a while, usually in cycles. She’ll stop for weeks or months, then start drinking again, mostly on weekends. When it starts creeping into weekdays, she usually brings it up herself and says she needs to quit. She’s in therapy and has even mentioned considering AA recently, which I fully support.
Anyway, we’ve been house hunting, and at one of the places we looked at, someone mentioned the unfinished basement could be turned into a wine cellar. They quickly added, “But I don’t drink wine.” I replied with, “Yeah, I don’t either, but sometimes my girlfriend does.”
A couple of days, she told me that comment really hurt her feelings. She said she’s been struggling not to drink, and what I said felt unsupportive. I told her it was unintentional but I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I wasn’t trying to shame her, just stating a fact in context. The conversation spiraled into an argument, then she shut down and acted like nothing had happened.
I’m stuck. When she’s drinking, I’m not really allowed to say anything without her getting defensive or lashing out. But now, even saying she sometimes drinks, even though it’s true, is apparently hurtful. I feel like I’m being made responsible for her struggle, like I’m walking on eggshells.
I want to support her, but I genuinely don’t know what that looks like anymore.
AITA?
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I (43M) have been with my girlfriend (34F) for several years. She’s been self-medicating with alcohol for a while, usually in cycles. She’ll stop for weeks or months, then start drinking again, mostly on weekends. When it starts creeping into weekdays, she usually brings it up herself and says she needs to quit. She’s in therapy and has even mentioned considering AA recently, which I fully support.
Anyway, we’ve been house hunting, and at one of the places we looked at, someone mentioned the unfinished basement could be turned into a wine cellar. They quickly added, “But I don’t drink wine.” I replied with, “Yeah, I don’t either, but sometimes my girlfriend does.”
A couple of days, she told me that comment really hurt her feelings. She said she’s been struggling not to drink, and what I said felt unsupportive. I told her it was unintentional but I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I wasn’t trying to shame her, just stating a fact in context. The conversation spiraled into an argument, then she shut down and acted like nothing had happened.
I’m stuck. When she’s drinking, I’m not really allowed to say anything without her getting defensive or lashing out. But now, even saying she sometimes drinks, even though it’s true, is apparently hurtful. I feel like I’m being made responsible for her struggle, like I’m walking on eggshells.
I want to support her, but I genuinely don’t know what that looks like anymore.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) mentioning that my girlfriend drinks
2) it hurt her feelings
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Ask her WHY “what I said felt unsupportive”. You DO drink occasionally. You DO like wine. I didn’t out you as a boozaholic! LOL: You felt like you were suddenly exposed as the worst drunkard of all time. Not because you are, but because someone simply mentioned that you drink occasionally. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll try not to mention it again of course, now that I know, but it certainly wasn’t obvious to me that we were hiding even your minor occasional glass of wine.
I’m not suggesting she’s “overly sensitive”: It’s far beyond that. She feels that you are judging her by making a simple observation (assuming that’s all it was). You didn’t call her fat, or suggest she should avoid going to the casino any more cuz she lost your life savings. You just mentioned that a wine cellar might be cool.
Challenge her: You’re very sorry you ever mentioned it, and she will limit herself for at least 60 days to no more than ONE glass of wine (and not a huge glass, either, one serving consisting of well below half a bottle!) per night. Enough to relax, not enough to satiate someone who might be addicted.
FYI: My wife goes through the same thing. All of it. Luckily she’s on meds for bi-polar and such now, so it’s much better. She has found that keeping a bottle of wine in the house is a hell of a challenge. That is my goal. Her having the ability to have several bottles of wine in the house and STILL only having one glass on Friday and Saturday. Of the stuff she likes. She’ll get there. Eventually. She’s smoothing out. 🙂
In fact, upon occasion she’ll actually ask me if she should have the second glass and promise to keep her center. No serious emotional stuff. And if she’s been smooth that night, and relaxed, I’ll say yes. Never a third. And sometimes (gut feeling) “NO”. Not that I’d stop her from pouring it or anything, but she asked and I answered. She respected my opinion every time so far. Considering that I’m the one who stays up all night making sure she’s ok if she actually drinks enough to go over the top emotionally.
What will be on tap when you turn the wine cellar into a full fledged bar for your girlfriend?
NTA. You didn’t say it in a derogatory way, you stated a neutral fact that was relevant to the discussion at hand.
NTA
She is definitely over reacting. If my husband said that my response would have been “I know, right”! I definitely see why you are walking on eggshells. I wouldn’t know what to say around her if she got offended about something silly.
NTA. But there can be a different between intent and impact. You were replying to the realtor in what sounds like a “maybe my girlfriend would enjoy that” but she took it as a “my girlfriend can’t quit drinking” way. So it’s not about being the AH, but rather realizing your words impacted her in a negative way. It’s ok to apologize for this, because based on what you’ve said that’s not what you intended. But that was the impact. And. If the fight got ugly as some do, make sure you apologize for your contributions to that too. Consider that a good faith deposit into your relationship.
ESH
why are you buying a house with an alcoholic who is still drinking and who lashes out when she is drunk?
How do you not see the 🚩 🚩
As someone who had to do some really intentional work to make sure my drinking problem didn’t get all the way to alcoholism, sounds to me a lot like she’s acting defensively because she’s trying to stay in denial about how bad her drinking is. Any mention of it is making her lash out because she’s trying to ignore that it’s a thing, and you saying something made her not able to ignore it. My alcoholic ex would insist very strongly that no one ever suggest that he was drunk because he “was only pretty tipsy”. He was “tired” and “fell asleep” instead of passing out. Etc. And he got really angry at the idea that anyone else could tell he’d been drinking. Does any of that sound familiar?
You’re NTA, and you can’t tiptoe around the topic of her drinking, that just ends up enabling her denial and delusion
NTA She’s upset because she’s ashamed of her drinking. That’s not your problem, though. It’s hers to deal with. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around it or keep her secrets for her, especially when what you said was so innocuous.
It’s good that she’s going to therapy, but she still clearly has some work to do.
Maybe you should put a pin in house hunting for a while. It’s not a good idea to buy a house with someone you’re not married to, anyway.
NTA for what you said but tbh in the first place i wouldn’t be able to live nor have relationships with a person who has a problem with alcohol. i think she’s ashamed and embarrassed to hear the truth (that she drinks) cause mostly it’s not what you want to hear.
Soft YTA. She’s struggling with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and you know that. I get that you didn’t have bad intentions but how would mentioning her drinking, which is not a neutral thing, come across as neutral?
kindly, YTA. u/thfemaleofthespecies said it better than i could, and i don’t have much to add to their comment. i wish you both happiness ❤️
NTA, obviously. People often unintentionally step on each other’s tender spots and that sucks.
But I am commenting because OP might benefit from some outside support through Al-Anon. It is free, widely available and you will find a community with other people who struggle with problem drinkers in their lives.
Al-Anon people will have better advice for OP than some of the suggestions that I have read here, no offense intended.
YTA not so much for that comment as she does drink.
You’re TA because when she told you it upset her your response was to disregard her feelings.
You’ve chosen to be involved with an alcoholic. Get to therapy or Al Anon, the branch that help the people who have an alcoholic in their lives, so you can be a better support for her.
Edit added one word for clarification.
Hey!!!! I know her!!! What a mess
Obvious YTA
“the conversation spiraled into an argument”. Why? She told you something bothered her and you pushed back hard enough it turned into a fight? Yikes.
You know when someone says something that turns out to be hurtful, intentional or not, it’s pretty easy to just say ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize what I said would be hurtful/ I didn’t mean to be hurtful’ I’ll try not to joke along those lines again.’ Addresses her feelings and allows you to move forward 🤷♀️
Soft YTA, I mean, does she feel guilty about it because you are constantly nagging her about it every time she has any, or because she genuinely didn’t want any on her own?
If you are just pushing her to feel guilty about having wine every few weeks or months when she wants some, then that’s on you. If YOU don’t like alcohol, that doesn’t make her and alcoholic. It means that you need to stop pushing her to jam herself into whatever little hole you’ve shaped for her to fit into in order to “be your gf” and find yourself someone who already fits the bill instead of trying to change another person.
If she genuinely doesn’t like it of her own volition, then perhaps mentioning it to passerby’s in your conversation just to have something to talk about, isn’t the smartest move. It isn’t your decision to make and it isn’t your personal struggle to go around telling others.
NTA
Definitely NTA but it’s hilarious to see people here acting like you are for making an accurate, factual statement that wasn’t accusatory or hurtful in any way. Drinking sometimes isn’t something normal people feel ashamed of being outed for.