Really need some advice
I (23f) am currently living with my parents (62m and 60f) along with my autistic brother (27m) and my grandmother (86f) after a really bad breakup of a boyfriend for 2 years I’m currently trying to look for an apartment as I can no longer stand it here
I can’t move out until I get my check
My grandmother has dementia and every hour of every day every 5 minutes she is hollering for my dad for the most mundane things (like asking him to turn the TV up even though it’s already up full blast wanting her to get out of bed at 6:00 in the morning etc)
Now here’s my thing I love my grandmother to death but lately it’s like I don’t even know her anymore she had a stroke when she was 76 and refused to go to rehab and she is wheelchair bound because of it saying she didn’t want to “fool with it” (yes that was her exact words)
My grandfather died last year (2024) and she’s been on a decline ever since on top of that her house is infested with bed bugs and I just want to escape but my family is wanting me to stay silent about the whole thing I just wish she would die already so she wouldn’t have to suffer like this but my mother says I shouldn’t wish it and I feel like they’re just prolonging her suffering AITA?
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Really need some advice
I (23f) am currently living with my parents (62m and 60f) along with my autistic brother (27m) and my grandmother (86f) after a really bad breakup of a boyfriend for 2 years I’m currently trying to look for an apartment as I can no longer stand it here
I can’t move out until I get my check
My grandmother has dementia and every hour of every day every 5 minutes she is hollering for my dad for the most mundane things (like asking him to turn the TV up even though it’s already up full blast wanting her to get out of bed at 6:00 in the morning etc)
Now here’s my thing I love my grandmother to death but lately it’s like I don’t even know her anymore she had a stroke when she was 76 and refused to go to rehab and she is wheelchair bound because of it saying she didn’t want to “fool with it” (yes that was her exact words)
My grandfather died last year (2024) and she’s been on a decline ever since on top of that her house is infested with bed bugs and I just want to escape but my family is wanting me to stay silent about the whole thing I just wish she would die already so she wouldn’t have to suffer like this but my mother says I shouldn’t wish it and I feel like they’re just prolonging her suffering AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I feel like my parents would think that I’m not caring about my grandmother when In reality I want her to not suffer
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If you are sad for your grandmother and want her suffering to end, then you’re NTA.
If you’re finding her and her behavior an annoyance and you “just wish she would die already” so she doesn’t bother you any more then you very much are an asshole.
I’m not entirely sure which side you fall on…
I guess it’s better than evening her
You’re NTA for wishing it. There comes a time when its the compassionate route to want someone’s suffering to end. That said, everyone grieves differently and everyone is at different places on their path. So I would not advise expressing this wish out loud. That would turn you into TA.
I understand you’re frustrated. I understand you’re feeling like this. Your grandmother doesn’t know what she is doing, and it won’t get any better. I hope you know that. If you’re not prepared to handle that, I suggest you look for somewhere else to go. Please, decide this sooner rather than later, and explain to your parents that you can’t watch this happen, so you have to go.
Honestly you are NTA for the feeling you are having it is human and it is from the love you have for her.
Its so so difficult to watch a loved one decline with dementia. Its also a completely normal response to wish they could be saved from their suffering. I used to pray my Dad who had alzheimers for 15 years would quietly slip away in his sleep and not suffer anymore.
Its not wrong to feel that way. Its a perfectly human response to watching suffering.
In time all things pass. Treasure each moment and take the rough with the smooth while she is still here. But please dont feel guilty. You are not the asshole.
It’s hard to know how to answer this one because I don’t know whether your concern is for your grandmother or for yourself. You say you don’t want her to suffer, but you also say that you cannot stand living with her.
Wanting someone to be free from suffering is never wrong; however, I am a little confused as to what you expect your family to do about it. It doesn’t matter what you think would be for the best; your grandmother is alive now, and that’s the reality your family is dealing with. Your parents are caring for your grandmother, your brother and have allowed you to live with them to make your life easier. Your parents sound like good people to me. Caring for a dementia patient is hell, and you are there temporarily; this is their life, perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself about it, though, as it doesn’t sound like they share your views.
On the whole, I think I’m going with YTA – as I said, wanting someone not to suffer is not quite the same thing as being bothered by their suffering’s impact on your own life, which is, I suspect, what your real issue is.
NTA – as someone who had to watch their grandma succumb to a slow, inevitable death to cancer I think it would take a psychopath to not wish an quicker end to everyone’s pain.
Assuming your stated intentions that you wish her dead because of her current suffering is true, NAH. Everyone is in suffering in this situation, including your parents. It is hard that the grandma that everyone in the family loves is fading away, but just not physically gone yet. Your parents may be feeling mixed too — on one hand they wish grandma to be alive, on the other they hate seeing her suffer. It’s hard to say which is correct.
I remember when my grandpa was in terminal cancer, my dad also wanted him to go too. Even grandpa wanted to go, because he was suffering so much from the treatment. And one uncle decided to drag it on while trying to milk money from every brother and sister in the name of ‘funding the treatment’. The rest of the family hated him for prolonging grandpa’s suffering.
I would say all the reasonings are equally valid even though they seem to be contradictory. But since this is a delicate situation, it’s better to de-escalate and at least, by not mentioning it again in your family, especially your grandma is still physically fine. It is far from the point when a decision needs to be made, or from the point when it is appropriate to ask grandma about her decision on her own health matters.
AITA for what? What’s the action that we’re supposed to judge?
The whole post only described the situation and how you feel. What action are we supposed to make a judgment on though?
Absolutely NTA A person with dementia is not the person they once were. Your Grandma is already gone. There is a stranger occupying her body, and you don’t like this stranger very much and want them gone. That’s absolutely normal. Allow yourself to grieve for her, and find a new place to live.
my grandma had dementia i think the best soloution would be a career or a home where people are trained to know what to do. the important thing to remember is she is mentally declining and confused she probably knows she’s forgetting things and thats bound terrifying . my grandma had a happy life they had activity’s at the home which kept them mentally stimulated
NTA. You’re not wrong for feeling this, caregiving breaks people down. Wanting her pain to end is love twisted by exhaustion, not cruelty.
Watching my grandmother slip from dementia was the most difficult thing I’ve had emotionally deal with, ever. Exactly as you described, a woman I was so close with and cherished became a different person, a shell. At one point she would think I was her husband and try to flirt with/seduce me, and some days she’d get angry and violent with everyone around. You’re not the asshole for wanting your grandma to pass so she may be at peace.