I (26M) live with a close friend who I have known since we were 11, and when we first moved in together, we made a verbal agreement – neither of us would move out to live with a partner unless the other could also afford to move out. The idea was to look out for each other financially, as neither of us can afford the flat on our own. Although in hindsight I can see how this is unrealistic and unfair.
Here’s the issue – I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and a couple of months ago we decided we’d like to move in together. This wouldn’t even be happening until August 2026, as I’d just renewed our lease. I told my flatmate within days of making the decision, so she has 14 months’ notice.
Her reaction was extreme. She immediately called me selfish, a bad friend, and said I’d be making her “homeless.” She’s also said that if I leave, she’ll have to move back to her dad’s (several hours away), which would mean quitting her job. I do feel bad, but I honestly thought I was being considerate by giving her over a year to prepare and by offering to help find solutions. Instead, she’s refused to even have a proper conversation about it, and when we do talk about it, I’m made to feel guilty and it feels like she doesn’t want to listen to my side of the story.
The way I see it, I can’t put my relationship on hold forever because of a verbal pact we made three years ago. I want to support my friend, but it feels unreasonable for her to expect me to delay a huge step in my life indefinitely, especially when I’ve given her so much notice and offered to help.
So, AITA for planning to move in with my boyfriend even though it breaks the agreement I made with my flatmate?
Edit for clarity:
1) The agreement was verbal, not legally binding.
2) The lease runs until July 2026, with both of our names on it.
3) Rent is split 50/50; neither of us could afford the flat solo, but she makes a bit more money than me and has the ability to do overtime a lot more than I can.
4) I’ve offered to help her find someone new or look for alternatives, but she’s flatly refused.
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I (26M) live with a close friend who I have known since we were 11, and when we first moved in together, we made a verbal agreement – neither of us would move out to live with a partner unless the other could also afford to move out. The idea was to look out for each other financially, as neither of us can afford the flat on our own. Although in hindsight I can see how this is unrealistic and unfair.
Here’s the issue – I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and a couple of months ago we decided we’d like to move in together. This wouldn’t even be happening until August 2026, as I’d just renewed our lease. I told my flatmate within days of making the decision, so she has 14 months’ notice.
Her reaction was extreme. She immediately called me selfish, a bad friend, and said I’d be making her “homeless.” She’s also said that if I leave, she’ll have to move back to her dad’s (several hours away), which would mean quitting her job. I do feel bad, but I honestly thought I was being considerate by giving her over a year to prepare and by offering to help find solutions. Instead, she’s refused to even have a proper conversation about it, and when we do talk about it, I’m made to feel guilty and it feels like she doesn’t want to listen to my side of the story.
The way I see it, I can’t put my relationship on hold forever because of a verbal pact we made three years ago. I want to support my friend, but it feels unreasonable for her to expect me to delay a huge step in my life indefinitely, especially when I’ve given her so much notice and offered to help.
So, AITA for planning to move in with my boyfriend even though it breaks the agreement I made with my flatmate?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) breaking the pact that neither of us would move out unless the other one could afford to do it too
2) I have decided to move out even though she might not be able to afford it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
so you’re never allowed to move out because she couldn’t afford to live there otherwise? I don’t think so, Tim
that’s not how the world works regardless of your verbal agreement
I can understand her being upset but a year’s notice is plenty of time, and if it isn’t, that’s her issue to deal with
NAH
If this was 10 days instead of 10 weeks (let alone 10 months!) you would have been Y T A, but in the current case it is a major NTA… Your friend needs to get help pronto
14 months is more than generous notice. She is absolutely in the wrong
I think she will come around with time. It’s frightening and jarring for her right now because she wasn’t expecting it and there is always a level of turbulence dealing with these things. My advice would be to give her a bit of space. I’m sure she’ll be able to work through her emotions around this. It’s scary not having a plan but she has plenty of time to figure something out. It’s unfortunate that she lashed out at you, though, and your feelings about that & goals for your relationship are completely valid.
NAH
NTA, if she refuses to find a roommate in 14 months (!), it’s her problem not yours. I imagine this is only going worse and would move sooner if you can.
Nta she has 14 months to find a new roommate. Roommate is ridiculous
NTA. This agreement is like a pinky swear when we’re little kids. Time has a way of making us adapt to changing circumstances and your changes – going to live with your boyfriend – are massive.
Giving her 14 months gives her more than enough time to find someplace else to live and/or someone else to room with.
NTA. You gave her plenty of notice. She has over a year to work out new living arrangements.
She’s got over a year to line up a new roommate. If she can’t manage that, then maybe she’s really not capable of living on her own and she needs to move back to her dad’s. You aren’t required to keep this person’s world together for them, and you’re giving her a HUGE amount of lead time.
So a couple of months ago you and your boyfriend decided to move in together. But it appears you made that decision before you signed the lease but you didn’t tell your flat mate what your plan was when SHE signed the lease. While you have no obligation to stay with your friend based on a pact you made several years ago it does seem to me that you knowingly got your friend to sign a lease without her knowing your future plans. She could easily have made alternate plans for the future like going back to live with her father saving a shitload of money in the bargain but your omission ensured you have someone helping with your current living arrangements until you move in with boyfriend.
This situation is so different than you finding a job in another city/state/country and planning for your future because those types of events don’t come up very often and you grab what you can for your future. I just feel you purposely didn’t tell her your plans until she signed the lease. What would you have done if she didn’t sign the lease?
Your friend is understandably upset because she’s locked into a lease with someone who she feels gaslighted her. YTA
NTA. She has over a year to find a roommate or new apartment. That’s plenty of time to change her job situation or plan other living arrangements. You can’t be expected to stay until she can afford her own place. Your agreement has been affected by a change in circumstances.
You gave plenty of notice and offered help wanting to move forward in your life isn’t selfish.
YTA for making such a “pact” to begin with. It’s obviously too late now that you already made it. Your friendship may be over. Never give your word for something so unpredictable. Now you are a person who does not keep their word. Not a good look.
YTA,
You made an agreement. That agreement cut both ways and protected both of you, but now you’ve got a boyfriend you’ve decided it’s in your way and you won’t stick to it.
The fact that it’s not legally binding / she can do more overtime than you / the lease runs out on x date / you’ve offered to help her look for places.. none of this is a justification for dumping the agreement you made. You can argue now that it was a bad idea but it protected you as much as her.
Nta
She doesn’t have to quit her job and move hours away, what?? She’s upset and not thinking clearly. This is an easily solvable problem.
You have ample time to find her another roommate, she doesn’t even have to move out!
NTA
You are both allowed to get on with your lives. Would roommate have done the same thing to you if the situation was reversed? Absolutely. If it ever comes up again though, don’t make agreements like this… life is too unpredictable. But your roommate is being legitimately ridiculous here.
NTA. You are giving her PLENTY of notice. Also, your pact seems… very open to interpretation. You said you wouldn’t move out until the other could also afford to move out but what does sufficient “afford to move out” look like? Your roommate has options. They can move in with another friend or roommate. They can get another roommate for the current apartment. They can move to a smaller one bedroom apartment within their budget which would probably be higher than 3 years ago when you first signed this lease. They have over a year to run through all of these options. It sounds as though they are just disappointed and reacting in an immature and self-focused way. One would hope that a good friend would be happy that you’ve found someone you want to share your life with. If they can’t get past “but how does this affect ME!!!”, it makes you question the friendship.
NTA. Their reaction is out of proportion. You’ve given them 14 months notice which is insanely generous. If they can’t pull their finger out and get their ducks in a row in 14 months, that’s their issue.
NTA. You have given more than enough notice and are fulfilling the lease. At that point, she can easily move to a different apartment or find a different movie.
Yea ur gonna throw away an 11 year relationship for a guy u just met very gay of u
What would she do if you were getting married? Let her cool off for a month–or season!– and then start bringing potential roommates over for her to meet.
NTA. Of course not.
She has had a very selfish reaction. You have given more than enough notice for her to find a solution, and you would help her. It is not reasonable for her to expect that you would stay together indefinitely. You are living up to your end of the pact. You are giving her all the time she needs to be able to figure out what she wants to do.
She may have just reacted badly, and will come back and apologize.
I might send a message, something like…
“I know you must be feeling shocked right now. I obviously care a lot about you and wanted to give us a whole year to figure out how to keep you where you are. You know there are lots of options, but I understand that right now you just need to process. We both know it was unrealistic to think that we would stay together indefinitely, and neither of us could afford to live there on our own. I am hoping that after you have had some time, we can work on a solution. I love you so much and I want to work this out with you. “
It states that you are still moving forward. It makes assumptions about the fact that your agreement was not realistic and it stays kind and open so she can come back to you and talk about it.
If she continues to be an asshole, then you just realized you never really had a friend. You had someone who liked what you provided for them, and when you take that away, you are of no value. It’s oversimplified, but essentially she benefits from your relationship, and when those benefits are being taken away, it is like a personal attack on them. That is a very clear indication that you are being used.
NTA. You’ve given her a year’s notice to find a new flatmate or find a place she can afford solo. I just hope this isn’t an awkward living situation for the next fourteen months.
She has more than enough notice to secure a roommate to split costs. Emotional blackmail is not a plan.