I (21F) have been with my boyfriend “Leo” (27M) for 3 years. My sister “Sophie” (22F) has been dating “Jake” (27M) for about 3 months.
Due to financial stress, Sophie and I were both moving back in with our parents. Leo was coming with me, but Jake wasn’t supposed to move in — just help Sophie pack and move her things.
The night before the move, Leo had just finished a late shift (around 1–2am) and was packing. I had reminded Sophie multiple times to leave out the packing tape since Leo would need it and didn’t want to disturb anyone. She forgot.
Leo knocked on Sophie’s door at about one in the morning to ask for the tape. No answer. He knocked again, a bit louder. Suddenly, Jake stormed out, screaming and threatening to “fucking snap Leo’s neck.”
Leo didn’t respond with aggression — he just stood there trying to deescalate and protect me if things got worse while Jake continued spitting out threats to my partner. I was terrified and told Jake I would call the cops if he didn’t back off.
Later, Sophie blew up at me, texting that she’d rather be homeless than live in a house with Leo and accusing me of defending “the wrong person.” I was stunned — Jake got drunk and violent, and Leo stayed calm.
For context, Sophie and Jake had been getting completely out of it most nights — mixing psychedelics and alcohol to the point of being practically non-functional. It wasn’t just a party night here and there — this is their norm. So, when Jake flew off the handle that night, it didn’t feel like a one-off to me.
Leo even apologized (over text) for packing so late and said he didn’t want bad blood. No response from them.
The next morning, Jake and Sophie were openly laughing and talking in detail about how if Sophie hadn’t held Jake back, Leo would be dead. They treated it like a joke.
During the move, Leo politely asked Jake to apologize for scaring me. Jake refused, claiming he did nothing wrong. He eventually gave a sarcastic “sorry” and left before I could respond.
When I talked to my parents, they dismissed it, saying “drunk threats don’t mean anything” and that I was overreacting. But, my parents would often invite unstable people into our house— sometimes high or worse—and, being the youngest and smallest, was almost always the one that was ignored, beat up, or even molested because my parents didn’t listen to signs of what they wanted to do to me. Staying silent about red flags feels wrong.
I was told Jake would still be around constantly, even if not officially living there, since he’s my sister’s boyfriend. I had a panic attack and excused myself to leave so I could calm down and complete the move.
Sophie did move in, and now my parents are fine with Jake being there all the time, sleeping over there every night, even when Sophie isn’t home. He’s “not living there,” but stays as long as he wants.
So, Leo and I have now moved in with his family instead.
Additional context: Jake supposedly fully owns a house, free and clear that Sophie has never seen because “there’s no furniture yet,” and just recently stopped being homeless as a result of his purchase. I find this hard to believe since I don’t know how he bought a house before even buying a car here in the U.S. He has also been unemployed for the past two months and “spent every last cent on that house,” so I have no idea how he’s been affording other amenities. In addition, he keeps claiming he “served in the military,” but won’t say which branch or where he went on tour. He’s about my size and I’m underweight, so it’s hard to believe— but I already know so little about the military, so it feels wrong to outright accuse him of lying.
So— AITA for taking threats seriously?
Comments
NTA. It doesnt matter if he was under the influence of substances. He still got extremely angry and threatened your boyfriend. And then won’t even apologize, and your sister and him treat it jokingly? Very disrespectful, and they do not sound like safe people to live with.
Absolutely NTA their behavior was unacceptable and your parents downplayed the whole situation and don’t seem to care.
NTA. He threatened your boyfriend because he knocked on your sister’s door for tape, and then laughed about how your boyfriend would be dead if your sister hadn’t held him back. Alcohol is no excuse, it just enhances what he is already thinking and lowers inhibition. Lastly, for your added context, Jake is not military. Military members are drug tested quite often, and if he’s using psychedelics, he’d pop positive.
NTA. Jake is waving a lot of red flags. I would be wary of his behavior and your sisters involvement with him moving forward. Stay safe out there!
NTA – a good life lesson is to always avoid the crazies! It doesn’t sound like anyone in your family is safe to be around or cares at all about your safety. I would never live with any of them again.
NTA I would go NC with the whole lot of them, they sound genuinely unsafe to be around. Parents, sister, boyfriend. Leave them behind. Better off in the long run. If you don’t they’ll keep getting in your way.
Nta what were your parents and sisters’ reaction to you moving out?
Updateme
Sounds like Jake is insecure and stupid, a dangerous combination…. NTA at all, your sister and your parents sound fucking lovely 🙄
NTA. You aren’t necessarily depressed. You might be feeling grief over the loss of a family that you never had. Grieving the idea of what you’d hoped for versus what you actually got. It is okay to cut out toxic family. Yes, it’ll be hard. But the flip side is that you won’t be walking on eggshells around your family or hoping for a different outcome than being let down again.
NTA you are stepping away from unsafe people. Consider it the reddest of flags keep your distance and move on.
Oh no! Do not share any living space with them. They are putting you in danger and Leo will be hurt too because he would defend you. Take threats seriously
NTA. There is a reason for the saying… When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
Jake clearly has anger issues. Issues that are exacerbated by drugs and alcohol. And given that that’s basically the sort of context you were raised in with your dysfunctional parents, it’s no wonder they dismiss it all.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you moved in with Leo’s parents. It sounds like a much more stable environment for you.
And as somebody who could be your grandmother, don’t feel bad if you decide to cut contact or go very low contact with your biological family.
Protect your peace, your safety, your mental health and your relationship. And if they don’t like the fact that you go low contact or just stop communicating altogether, please understand that that’s their problem.
Someone else’s reaction to you setting a reasonable boundary is not something you have to ever feel guilty about. There is no “family sticks together” when they’re not acting like family to begin with.
Don’t give them money. Don’t give them your time and effort. Concentrating on yourself and making your life better is what your job is in life. Because if you work on yourself and you become the person you wanna be, you enrich the lives of people around you, including Leo. It strengthens those other relationships.
So don’t fall for any of the family supports family BS when your own family isn’t supporting you at all.
NTA. I’m sorry you have such a toxic family. Better to have no family than a venomous family. Your parents have expressed that they do not care about your well-being and safety. Jake has already proven that he can be violent and abusive when drunk. They’ll likely end up regretting that when he inevitably lashes out at them, which is just a matter of when.
So take the time to grieve the loss of your family and move on. Maybe with his family. Your friends can be your chosen family. Leo sounds like a good guy. Please update!
Nta. Your size and underweight? Probably has a small man complex.
Saw this guy that was like 5ft even try start a fight with some one who looked like Mike Tyson. He was cool about it after. He said he fell down the stairs lol.
You really shouldn’t be seeing your parents if they let random bad people into your home and abuse you when you were little. I’d have gone no contact a long time ago
NTA. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It sounds like you needed to distance yourself from your family anyway. They all sound toxic.
And there is no house. He is full of $hit.
NTA – he threatened to kill her, you never take that lightly.
Um, don’t live with either your sister or Jake! They are addicts and he is violent, not a good combination, someone is going to wind up hurt or dead!
I would recommend to never ever meet Jake again, drugged psychos are unpredictable, he could do anything anytime..
NTA
In vino veritas.
It won’t take long for him to blow up like that at your parents. Let them live with thr mess they made. I would Google his name. Bet you find an arrest record.
Take them seriously.Do a free search in your areas court jurisdiction to see if anything pops up. What guy doesn’t let his gf in his house cause there is no furniture crap?! They usually let them decorate. Do property search for your county. Probably will see his & wife’s name if there is even a house. Ask your parents why a man with house has to live with daughter’s parents?! Heck if I had to I would get pi if nothing popped up because he sounds sinister. Sorry you weren’t treated as valued by your parents when you spoke up when younger. I’m relieved that you didn’t stay there. Your bf sounds like he’s doing his best to protect you. Either way never take future children over there. History has way of repeating itself. Be safe. Enjoy the good guy! You deserve that!
It was the night before the move? So you weren’t moved into your parents house yet, were where you? Why was Sophie and Jake there?
Someone knocking on my door just for tape at 1am would annoy me too – but yes thats an extreme response and no, I wouldn’t move in or be around him either. NTA.
NTA, but i think you already know that.
You don’t say anything drunk that isn’t already in your heart. Alcohol doesn’t put any new thoughts in your head, it only removes your inhibitions. Jake has those feelings in his heart and those thoughts in his head. Your parents haven’t kept you safe and won’t keep you safe.
Get free.
NTA but if you were home then you should have made sure the tape was out- it’s incredibly selfish waking people at 1am to pack. Either get up early and do it or make sure you have your own packing supplies.
🚩🚩🚩 NTA. You’ve been gaslit a long time. Go no contact … Only your boyfriend cares about your safety. I’m sorry hon. Please look into some of the Surviving Narcissists groups (Facebook had a good one) for support. You aren’t alone.
NTA. Inevitably, your sister will break up with this guy and see the truth, or your parents will cross them at the wrong time and see the truth. But, for now, they’ve all chosen the situation they’re in. Just stay away from them.
I’m shocked you are even still talking to your parents having read your comment
‘my parents would often invite unstable people into our house— sometimes high or worse—and, being the youngest and smallest, was almost always the one that was ignored, beat up, or even molested because my parents didn’t listen to signs of what they wanted to do to me’.
I don’t think you should have contact with them or your sister. These are not people who are going to protect you or keep you from harm. Just because they are family, doesn’t mean you have any obligation to remain in contact with them.
You and your boyfriend should both get second jobs and save up as much money as possible as fast as possible and move out before this guy murders everyone.
“If I didn’t stop him Leo would be dead!”
“Yeah and then you’d both be in jail and I’d be rid of both of you!”
Seriously though moving in with Leo’s family was the best idea because your family doesn’t love you. Maybe they think they do, but they clearly think dropping the ball this much is okay and that doesn’t scream “I love my kid”. Anyway, please be done with all of them. I’d rather not sheet you and Leo on the true c one doc when it comes out.
At what point did anyone imply you were the asshole? I feel like the AI forgot there was supposed to be something that would make OP feel like an AH
I can’t imagine mixing psychedelics with alcohol! Is it Acid, shrooms or weed? Weed and alcohol, I have seen that a lot. But acid or shrooms? I am surprised. Usually shrooms (and even acid) don’t like mixing with alcohol. Usually psychedelics like those will rewire and train your brain that alcohol isn’t worth it. I know people who stopped drinking alcohol because of them. I am perplexed by that. Also the violence. Like man, that dude is dangerous at the core if psychedelics didn’t humble him.
she believes he has an empty house somewhere.. but chooses to live with his new girlfriends PARENTS? not even remotely possible.
NTA
Not someone you want to live with. Not even someone that you want to be around. I would tell your parents that you’ll only see them outside of their house or when Jake isn’t there.