I (21F) recently graduated college with a bachelor’s and have been looking for full-time work in my field. Soon after my graduation, my family planned to leave the country to visit relatives and sell our parents’ house, with the intention of leaving the United States all together. I chose not to go with them, as I’d rather live in the US and don’t get along well with our family in the other country. My dad (67M) decided to stay with me.
While I’ve been searching for a full-time job, I worked as a cashier earning a decent but not livable wage. I have my own bank account, but my parents have control over it and can add/withdraw funds whenever they want. This is the same with my sister (22F) and brother (19M). A few weeks after my family arrived in the new country, I noticed the majority of the money I’d earned had been taken out of my account. I asked my mom (57F) if she took it and she suggested that we hold a family meeting about finances. I agreed, and we arraigned for a time that would work for the whole family.
During this conversation, I asked if I could keep every other paycheck or a minimum amount from each paycheck so that I could pay off student loans and save up to eventually move out. I won’t get into the details of the interaction, as I don’t think a lot of it is relevant, but things became heated and my mom made it clear she wouldn’t allow it. After the conversation, my dad tried to console me and figure out a way to resolve things. We agreed to have another call to sort things out.
During the second conversation, I restated that I wanted to keep some, not all, of my paycheck so that I could save up money. I didn’t mention moving out, as I believed that was the thing that made my mom upset last time. My siblings, mom, and dad made it clear that I wouldn’t be able to keep my paychecks and that they would instead go towards paying off the money my family spent on my college education. Afterwards, my parents would continue to take my paychecks, but that I would be able to ask for the amount back if I wanted to buy a car, pay for my wedding, etc. They assured me they would keep track of the amount that they took.
I ended the conversation as calmly as I could, but I felt trapped. My partner (20M) had previously said that he had made plans if I needed to leave home in a hurry, and I told him I needed to leave that night. It’s been a month since then, and I’ve been slowly building a life in a different state. I have control over my finances, a full-time job in my field, and a support system. I don’t regret moving, but I’m worried I made the wrong decision by leaving my dad home alone, especially since he’s in his sixties. AITA?
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I (21F) recently graduated college with a bachelor’s and have been looking for full-time work in my field. Soon after my graduation, my family planned to leave the country to visit relatives and sell our parents’ house, with the intention of leaving the United States all together. I chose not to go with them, as I’d rather live in the US and don’t get along well with our family in the other country. My dad (67M) decided to stay with me.
While I’ve been searching for a full-time job, I worked as a cashier earning a decent but not livable wage. I have my own bank account, but my parents have control over it and can add/withdraw funds whenever they want. This is the same with my sister (22F) and brother (19M). A few weeks after my family arrived in the new country, I noticed the majority of the money I’d earned had been taken out of my account. I asked my mom (57F) if she took it and she suggested that we hold a family meeting about finances. I agreed, and we arraigned for a time that would work for the whole family.
During this conversation, I asked if I could keep every other paycheck or a minimum amount from each paycheck so that I could pay off student loans and save up to eventually move out. I won’t get into the details of the interaction, as I don’t think a lot of it is relevant, but things became heated and my mom made it clear she wouldn’t allow it. After the conversation, my dad tried to console me and figure out a way to resolve things. We agreed to have another call to sort things out.
During the second conversation, I restated that I wanted to keep some, not all, of my paycheck so that I could save up money. I didn’t mention moving out, as I believed that was the thing that made my mom upset last time. My siblings, mom, and dad made it clear that I wouldn’t be able to keep my paychecks and that they would instead go towards paying off the money my family spent on my college education. Afterwards, my parents would continue to take my paychecks, but that I would be able to ask for the amount back if I wanted to buy a car, pay for my wedding, etc. They assured me they would keep track of the amount that they took.
I ended the conversation as calmly as I could, but I felt trapped. My partner (20M) had previously said that he had made plans if I needed to leave home in a hurry, and I told him I needed to leave that night. It’s been a month since then, and I’ve been slowly building a life in a different state. I have control over my finances, a full-time job in my field, and a support system. I don’t regret moving, but I’m worried I made the wrong decision by leaving my dad home alone, especially since he’s in his sixties. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I moved out after an argument about finances with my parents. I’m worried about my dad, since he’s older and is now living in the house alone
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. If the original plan was for them to sell up and all leave, I’m guessing your Dad will probably do that now he’s not required to look after you.
You are a grown adult living in the United States. Go to a different bank–or better, a credit union–and open your own account. Get your paychecks deposited to THAT account.
You have no obligation to have your parents on your bank account now you are an adult.
NTA
INFO
I could pay off student loans …… go towards paying off the money my family spent on my college education.
isn’t that the same thing or do you have separate student loans other than what your parents spend.
my parents would continue to take my paychecks, but that I would be able to ask for the amount back if I wanted to buy a car, pay for my wedding, etc.
why are they taking the entire paycheck. that makes no sense. did they do the same with your sister.
NTA
it is great that you were able to escape.
You need to set up your own banking account ASAP. You are under no obligation to fund your family or stay with your dad at this point. Time to spread your wings.
NTA – think your dad is also part of the problem you had with being controlled, as an adult, by your parents.
NTA
I think if your partner has already got the vibe you might need to leave in a hurry, there’s more going on in your family culture.
NTA – you’re an adult living in the USA and are allowed to have your own bank account and control access to it. You can just walk to the bank and do this.
If your dad decided to stay, it was likely so you wouldn’t be alone. He can just go now and live with your mom again? Why would he stay in the US when the rest of his family has left the country and you’ve moved on with your life?
don’t feel bad for him, he’s an adult who can do whatever he wants. As you can.
NTA. You’re an adult. They have no rights like this over you. I hope you’re doing okay.
NTA. Why are you allowing your parents to take money that only you are working for from you? Get your own bank account, keep ALL of your money. This is so weird
NTA
You are an adult. Your paycheck is your money. Your family has no say in where or how you spend it. Leaving and opening a new bank account they have no access to is the right thing to do.
Your family taking your money is not ok. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do since they were on the account.
Do not feel guilty about your dad. He is old enough to take care of himself.
As a mother with adult children, NTA. Your dad is not your dependent and your mother can return or he can move abroad, as they wish.
Go forward in your life and enjoy.
NTA.
You weren’t just moving out , you were taking back control of your life. Your parents were literally taking your paycheck and dictating how you, a college graduate, could use your own money. That’s not support, that’s control.
You gave them multiple chances to meet you halfway, and they refused. As for your dad, yes, it’s understandable to feel guilty, but he’s an adult who made his choice to stay. You can still love and care about him from a distance, but you’re not responsible for putting your future on hold to keep him company.
You did what was necessary to protect your independence and well-being, and honestly? It sounds like you’re thriving now. You should be proud of yourself.
Unless your father has some health issues you didn’t mention, he can make his own life choices.
NTA. As soon as your dad was onboard with everyone else in continuing to take your paycheques, you knew he wasn’t on your side. I’ll let the paranoid side of my brain speak for a minute, and he stayed behind to keep an eye on you, not to support you. You were right to get out of there.
The family that controls your paycheques from another country can certainly manage to take care of your dad. He was well enough to be left in position to make sure you didn’t interrupt their cash flow. He’ll be fine.
Be aware that the guilt that you’re feeling is natural, but it is also something your family may try to leverage to put you back under their thumb. Ignore it. You owe them nothing.
NTA
This is very obviously cultural, but you in fact do not need to ask your parents permission to keep your money. You do not need to have your parents on your bank account and give them access to your money directly
Other posters have given you good advice on how to separate your finances from your family. But if you don’t actually believe you have the right to do so…nothing will change.
Wait, why are you asking them permission to do things with your money? They should have no control or input at all into your financial dealings.
NTA you did the right thing. That was a horribly abusive situation.
You say your dad is in his 60s. Unless he has serious health problems, that’s not old. You love him and care about what happens to him, but you shouldn’t hesitate to live your independent adult life because he’s in his 60s.
I’m not sure what culture you come from, but in Western civilization we call that emotional and financial abuse.
You owe your parents, and your extended family, a grand total of…$0. Them paying for your education, unless it was stated as a loan, is part of BEING A PARENT!
Get a separate bank account, and deposit 100% of your paycheck, both now and when you get a job in your field, into that account. Do not share the bank account details with anyone, including your partner (too young, too early for that).
After paying for your expenses, YOU can decide how much YOU feel like sending to your family, IF ANY. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, real or imagined, are you to take care of their WANTS before your NEEDS.
As to Dad, assuming he’s not in mental or physical decline, has made his own decision to stay here. Given how your Mom reacted, I don’t blame him. The man probably needs a break from Captain Controlling. Now, he can decide to stay by himself, go back to that country with the rest of the family, or whatever. He’s a grown man, capable of making his own decisions.
Loving your family doesn’t come with an obligation to be their indentured servant.
NTA
Your family is manipulative and controlling, and financially abusive… at the very least!
You did the best for yourself and your future. You don’t know me, but I’m proud of you! You did great!
i think everyone’s focused on the financial abuse aspect, which is understandable because whoa, but OP clearly knows this situation was fucked and got out of it. the question here is, is OP an asshole for leaving her elderly father alone. OP, the answer is no. NTA—you didn’t abandon your father, you ran for your life. he was clearly enabling a ridiculously cruel situation, anyway, considering he allowed this to go on for so long. at the end of the day, you needed to get out of there. nta, glad you found your peace.
NTA. Open a new bank account and get direct deposit from your employer.
NTA, you were being taken advantage of as are/were your brother and sister. The system put in place by your parents is a selfish one, you don’t have kids just for them to repay you every expense made towards them.
You left and you were right to do so. Regarding your father, he stayed for you but if anyone is responsible for him it’s him and your mother. After all, they are married.
Enjoy your life, you did the best you could to be as reasonable as possible with them. Don’t feel guilty.
When your parents use your income for themselves, it’s time to go. You are not their employer or parent. They have it backward.
I don’t understand this. My adult children are more than welcome to come home and live free while they get their footing. Whether kids are home or not, my mortgage and some bills stay the same, so no help. Just pay the up charge in utilities…
Feel free to call your dad and check in. However, if it becomes toxic, get off the phone.
Separate from your family physically and financially. Live your own life and don’t take responsibility for them other than being a good daughter (keep contact, see them on holidays when you can). It is your turn to adult now. Stop giving them your hard earned money. If you don’t, you will put your future kids in the position of taking care of you. NTA
NTA!
Your dad isn’t that old. He can follow the family to the other country or sell the house and move into a smaller place either where he is now or where you moved to. Why you waited until you were 21 to open your own bank account while you were actively adding to it with your paycheck is beyond me. Especially when you have student loan debt. Is that some kind of cultural thing? You said your family was from another country. Of course if you were living at home for free after age 18 without contributing, I guess your family would have an argument that the money they took out of your account was back pay for rent and other living expenses. Why your siblings still don’t have control over their own bank accounts is a head scratcher. Selling the family home might help with family debt but then your father would have rent to pay unless he bought a little condo from the proceeds and then used the rest to pay debt. Your dad might not have stayed just for you but maybe there are marital troubles with your mom or maybe he just likes living in the states better. Is he still working or is he retired? Did you ask him why he didn’t move back to the old country? Don’t just assume it’s just because of you. He may have other reasons. He is a big boy. He can make decisions now that your situation has changed.
You did the right thing by taking control. Your dad being in his 60’s is not that old. He can make his own decisions independently from yours.