Before marriage, I was financially independent and had no problem with spending. I married someone upper middle class who seemed generous and giving. But after I got pregnant and we moved in together, everything changed.
He became extremely frugal. No decorations in the house. Gifts became cheap or nonexistent. He refused to buy baby items even months into my pregnancy. By the middle of my eighth month, he hadn’t bought a single item, even though I gave him a list in month five.
If I ask for things, he says not to send links or use his card. He insists we talk in person, but when I bring it up, he gets annoyed or delays the conversation. Some baby essentials are still missing. Once I asked for a pacifier and he brought the wrong one, then told me to suck on it myself to soften it before giving it to the baby.
He doesn’t trust me financially. He hid his investments from me and rarely helps at home. I was responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, and baby care. Even near my due date, he expected me to prep meals. If I ask him to pick up food or drive us somewhere, he gets irritated.
Then, shortly after I gave birth, he told me he was going on a leisure trip with his father for a few days. I couldn’t help but think, weren’t we “saving money” and cutting essentials? But now there’s money and time for a trip?
I finally moved back in with my parents, found a job, and started feeling peace again. He’s now saying he’ll change and wants me back. But honestly, I’m scared to return to that lifestyle. I know I could just pay for things now that I’m working, but why should I when he contributes nothing emotionally or physically?
AITA for not wanting to go back, even if the main issue seems to be “just money”?
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Before marriage, I was financially independent and had no problem with spending. I married someone upper middle class who seemed generous and giving. But after I got pregnant and we moved in together, everything changed.
He became extremely frugal. No decorations in the house. Gifts became cheap or nonexistent. He refused to buy baby items even months into my pregnancy. By the middle of my eighth month, he hadn’t bought a single item, even though I gave him a list in month five.
If I ask for things, he says not to send links or use his card. He insists we talk in person, but when I bring it up, he gets annoyed or delays the conversation. Some baby essentials are still missing. Once I asked for a pacifier and he brought the wrong one, then told me to suck on it myself to soften it before giving it to the baby.
He doesn’t trust me financially. He hid his investments from me and rarely helps at home. I was responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, and baby care. Even near my due date, he expected me to prep meals. If I ask him to pick up food or drive us somewhere, he gets irritated.
Then, shortly after I gave birth, he told me he was going on a leisure trip with his father for a few days. I couldn’t help but think, weren’t we “saving money” and cutting essentials? But now there’s money and time for a trip?
I finally moved back in with my parents, found a job, and started feeling peace again. He’s now saying he’ll change and wants me back. But honestly, I’m scared to return to that lifestyle. I know I could just pay for things now that I’m working, but why should I when he contributes nothing emotionally or physically?
AITA for not wanting to go back, even if the main issue seems to be “just money”?
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NTA. And don’t move back. He’s saying he “will” change, but committing to do so in the future is the easy part and actually doing it is the hard part. What has he done and what is he doing now to show that he has actually changed? I’m guessing nothing but promises. That’s not good enough. Stay separated.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did try to suggest therapy, but he dismissed it. I still wonder if I was too quick to leave or if I should have tried harder to make it work, especially now that I’m working again. Some people tell me I should just manage the money myself and accept his personality. That’s why I wonder if I might be the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Please get a good divorce lawyer. Guaranteed he’s hiding assets.
You’d be making an incredibly crazy decision. Like he already had you pregnant and penny pinching. Returning to experience it that twice is hell with added knowledge
NTA. The issue is so much more than just money. He demeaned you as a person, didn’t value you as the mother of his child and didn’t consider you before going on vacation after you’re the one who gave birth.
The things he has done are matters of character. He showed you who he is. Believe him
NTA
He’s only sorry you called him on it and if you go back i GUARANTEE he’ll be back to old habits in no time
You’ll be miserable if you go back to him and life is too short to waste it with someone who thinks control is love
If you’re not already , Go and see a lawyer to get a divorce and custody finalised and move on with your life
NTA doesn’t sound like you had a equal relationship
Its not just about money its about POWER AND CONTROL……He was different when yall didnt live together but now he can have control over you, what he spends with his money and what he allows. Absolutely NTA. I wouldnt want to go back to that either but what i will say since you are married ask for a nanny so you can keep your job.
NTA OP – I am also proud you left. Many people would have stayed, even had more kids and complained. Good for you realising that the quality of your life is on you and you’re willing to step up and do something about it rather than being dependent and disappointed.
NTA. Sounds like he wants you back to complete his image of having a wife and child without doing the work of being a husband and father.
He just showed you his ass. All of that kindness and generosity before was to get you to commit to marry and have his child. Once he felt that he had you trapped, he dropped his mask. Do not go back. Wash your hands of him.
NTA.
Do not go back!!!
This man is into controlling you. Mr. Upper Middle Class can pay you child support.
NTA. You can do you, he clearly wasn’t interested in being a prepared parent and was financially abusing you. Don’t go back.
These are potentially early warning signs is domestic abuse. IMO, discontinue the relationship and sue for child support.
Assholes like him always say they’ll change. They don’t. He’ll love bomb you for a few weeks and then go back to financially abusing you. It’s not just money. It’s the fact that he denied things you and your child needed while he blew money on himself. He doesn’t care about you or your baby. Talk to a lawyer. NTA
NTA. Like others have said, he’s only sorry he got called on his shit and will absolutely return to his ways if you go back
NTA you’ve been financially and emotionally abused by your husband. Stay away and see a lawyer. He is responsible for paying child support. Don’t let him get away with this behavior for another second! Hugs!
NTA. He’s not cheap, he wants to financially abuse you. I’m sure it was very difficult and painful but I am so glad that you are not tolerating his power game.
NTA
Many abusive relationships start when a woman is pregnant. It’s actually one of the more dangerous times for a woman because the abuse is so prolific.
He’s shown his true colors. Get out, stay out and divorce him. Get a good lawyer who’ll get you what you’re worth (which if you’re questioning, is A LOT. You bore this man’s child …).
NTA.
Do NOT go back. Because no, it’s not ‘just’ money. (Which, money is a big deal! Money means peace of mind!) It’s about control and respect. He’s just making big promises now because he wants you back under his thumb. Go back, and not only are you giving up control again, you’ll have shown him that you’ll cave to his bullshit. And honestly, is this the kind of environment/example you want for your child?
Stay strong, divorce his ass, and get that child support. Because gods know you won’t get jack if you go back.
NTA
Get a lawyer and get child support. Spousal support as well if your eligible. What he did was called financial abuse.
NTA. He won’t change. Don’t go back. Period.
That’s financial abuse of teetering perilously close to it. Do not take him back, you’ve made a solid choice here. NTA
He will never change. Do not go back. Get a lawyer for custody and divorce.
NTA
NTA. His issues aren’t about money, they’re about controlling you and everything about you. He wouldn’t buy things that are necessary for his child because he was playing a mind game on you by forcing you to beg for things. He thinks he has the power in the relationship by controlling all the money.
I believe it will only get worse if you go back. You wouldn’t want to end up in a position where you can’t leave him because you have no access to money. He can spend all he wants on himself because it’s “his” money but you cannot spend much even though you are putting in full-time hours keeping the house and doing his meal prep, etc, plus carrying and birthing a child. He couldn’t even be bothered to stay home with you after the baby came home. He’s a coward, a manipulator, and so very selfish.
It’s called Coercive Control. NTA
NTA, and seriously, why would you want to go back? Get a divorce and let him pay alimony and child support.
Stay independent
Stay single & get child income from him. He sounds delusional & cheap.
NTA,
Sounds like you left before things may have gotten physical. It also sounds like he was financially abusing you. Honestly I would find a lawyer and get a divorce because a man like that won’t change in good faith.
He’s so sinister. He didn’t want to buy baby essentials??? That’s just an impossible relationship. There’s no way it can work. He doesn’t want to take care of his baby! It’s not just money, it’s his willingness to be a decent father and husband.
Don’t give up your independence and ability to care for your baby by wasting more time with this sketchy man.
NTA.
You dodged a bullet. Don’t get fooled again.
NTA. You did the hardest part, you left! Congratulations OP, I’m really proud of you for knowing your worth and recognising something toxic before it went further.
I’m glad you have your parents for support. Accept their help for as long as it’s needed/offered.
Speak to whoever you need to in your country to ensure government agencies know you are now separated and claim child support from him. You have your own income again. Don’t give that up.
If you go back, nothing will change, in fact it will get worse because the messaging being conveyed to him is that he can treat you like he did and you’ll still come back. He push further next time.
Finally what he was doing is called financial abuse. It’s one of the first steps they take, as well as emotional and verbal abuse, and isolating you from any family/friends/employment that might be used as a way out of your situation. It leaves you with nothing – no money, no support – and he becomes your whole life so you have no choice but to make sure he is happy with you. You’ll spend your whole life walking on eggshells.
Don’t go back. Lawyer up.
Have him agree to pay for a nanny so that you both can work. But since he showed you such disrespect; he needs to pay her full salary. And he will have to hire a housekeeper if he doesn’t plan on helping out around the house.
You need to let him know you are serious about not being disrespected again or made to feel less than.
NTA. Your instinct to get out of there was correct. But to reframe the issue: this is not about money; it’s about control.
Some people revel in taking an independent partner and subjugating them because it feeds their sense of superiority. They want someone to “need” them to validate their self-worth and manufacture that need in their home by any means necessary.
You do not want to find out how far he’ll go to keep you under his thumb if you go back to him.
NTA. Some might argue that what you were going through with him is a form of coercive control. He doesn’t want to spend anything on you or the baby, but seems to think it’s fine to spend HIS money on whatever he wants. In you having to “beg” for money, he’s being controlling. I might have cut him some slack if your were asking for something like a new Chanel handbag, but you’re only asking for stuff you need. If you do divorce him (it looks unlikely that he’ll change) the courts will FORCE him to pay for supplies in the form of child support.
You did the right thing. Do NOT ever go back.
NTA
NTA.
What a piece of trash!
How much is he giving you a month for child support? That will tell you how serious he is about changing.
He’ll change? Future tense? Nope. No way.
What does he think he did wrong? Can he explain it and why? Is he right? Unless he’s done a whole lot of work in therapy by himself he hasn’t changed.
NTA. You’ll go back and he’ll be nice for a month or two, then go back to his old ways. It’s not ‘just money’, it’s control. He’s trying to control you. Even if he says he’ll go to therapy or whatever, he’ll insist the therapist is on your side or something and not doing any good.
The main issue isn’t money. The main issue is that your husband is a controlling AH. Make a life for you and your baby in peace. Make that AH pay significant child support.
NTA because you don’t have to stay with him. You are not his prisoner and if your relationship wasn’t working for you, you can leave. You didn’t do anything wrong, like graffiti his house or pop his tires. You moved out but I would encourage you to examine why you were unhappy with him. Was it because you somehow lost your financial independence? Was it because he wouldn’t share the housework? Because I think these is way deeper issues here than he would buy us stuff and went on a trip.
NTA
Don’t forget to lock down child support.