My family lost a dear friend and mentor/father figure of over 20 years to my husband. The services will be the same day as my brother’s 1st baby shower. Both of these events require travel. During the initial planning stages of the baby shower, my family was scheduled to help my mom prepare the food and decorations and obviously attend the celebration. I was always supposed to travel in a few days before everyone to help with preparations and spend time with my parents, brother and his wife as they also live out of state. When we got the news of the service times for our friend, I let my mom know that it was the same day as the shower and we wouldn’t be able to make it. My husband is giving the eulogy. But that I still wanted to come the week before and help her and spend time with them but would leave early so we could attend the funeral. She is mad at me. Told me not to come. That hardly no one was going to be at the baby shower and she’s hurt this was my choice. I spoke to my brother and told him of the situation he said I was making the right decision by going to the funeral. According to my mom, that was just lip service as “what was he supposed to say? The choice was already made.”. And they are all so hurt that we won’t be there. She won’t pick up the phone when I call and I got these details via a few short texts. AITA?
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My family lost a dear friend and mentor/father figure of over 20 years to my husband. The services will be the same day as my brother’s 1st baby shower. Both of these events require travel. During the initial planning stages of the baby shower, my family was scheduled to help my mom prepare the food and decorations and obviously attend the celebration. I was always supposed to travel in a few days before everyone to help with preparations and spend time with my parents, brother and his wife as they also live out of state. When we got the news of the service times for our friend, I let my mom know that it was the same day as the shower and we wouldn’t be able to make it. My husband is giving the eulogy. But that I still wanted to come the week before and help her and spend time with them but would leave early so we could attend the funeral. She is mad at me. Told me not to come. That hardly no one was going to be at the baby shower and she’s hurt this was my choice. I spoke to my brother and told him of the situation he said I was making the right decision by going to the funeral. According to my mom, that was just lip service as “what was he supposed to say? The choice was already made.”. And they are all so hurt that we won’t be there. She won’t pick up the phone when I call and I got these details via a few short texts. AITA?
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> AITA for choosing to attend a funeral of a close friend vs my brothers baby shower?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but your mother is.
NTA.
It’s not your mother’s event, it’s your brothers. He said you’re good. Your mom is making it a situation where you chose your husbands family over yours, but that’s completely unreasonable. Sorry for your loss.
You are NTA….
When you say “hardly no one” do you mean, no one from you and your brother side of the family will be there? Do you have any other siblings? How far out did you commit to helping? Also, is the shower for your brother’s first child?
NTA. A baby shower is just the first of many hello’s. Your friend’s funeral is the last chance to say goodbye.
NTA go up the week before and see your brother. If you have the money stay at a hotel. You need to support your husband in his loss that is the priority. but showing up beforehand to support your brother and his wife and you mom when she stops being stubborn is a nice thing
NTA this would be the first of many hellos to the baby, but there is always only one good bye. So yes you made the right choice.
NTA if hardly anyone is showing up to the baby shower….its pretty easy to move.
NTA. You have a lifetime to support the child.
NTA.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA your brother’s opinion is the one that counts. Just do something nice as a gift if you can.
NTA, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to celebrate this baby. Go pay your respects to your departed loved one without any guilt.
The baby shower is the first time you celebrate this baby. There will be more. The funeral is the last thing you can do for your friend. There will not be another opportunity. NTA
Funerals are one time events. Baby celebrations can go on and on and on and on and…
NTA.
Your family’s relationship with the dearly departed lasted longer than with a baby who’s not here yet.
It sounds like your mom is bitter about having to do some extra prep work for the shower. That’s her problem, not yours.
Lol your mom’s nuts, a final goodbye ? Or just one of the hundreds of events that this child will have , NTA
Nta. As others have said, many hellos, only one goodbye.
I will say having a baby can be stressful especially your first. If you are able, maybe ask your brother how many big tickets things are still needed and get him one of those as well as extra diapers and wipes.
I’m sorry your mom is trying to guilt you about this.
You need to talk to your brother about rescheduling the baby shower. There is no reason it has to happen on the same day of the funeral. It can be rescheduled, especially since so many people are going to the funeral. It has to bring a somber tone to the shower as well. NTA
And this is why a baby shower is supposed to be a half dozen friends sitting around eating appetizers, trying not to let the mom-to-be hear their labor horror stories, handing over a case of diapers and a useless little outfit, and then leaving. It’s not supposed to be a grand event.
NTA. Your family is irrational, and I suspect they were “fire sparking cannon at a needless gender reveal” people.
I would honestly think any decent person would understand choosing respect for a deceased loved one over a celebration, as happy as they might be for that celebration.
NTA
How about celebrating the baby another time, for example when it is born?
Anyways, the is a non-issue because your brother is fine with it (because adults should be able to voice their disapproval), and it is none of mom’s business.
NTA
Sometimes events happen and you have to choose.
There’s no way I wouldn’t be there to support my husband in that situation.
Send your gift to the shower and tell your mother to shove her little guilt trip.
The FIRST baby shower. Of TWO. Jesus Christ.
No, you are NTA. Your mother is …. Well anything I could say from the heart would probably get me banned.
Your brother seems like a good egg. Don’t let your relationship with him be damaged by what your mother says behind his back.
Also congratulations on the new nibling, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. In general, funerals supercede all other social occasions.
NTA
If you’re travelling to spend time with them just before the baby shower maybe treat them to a nice dinner while you’re there.
Your brother seems understanding so don’t let it come between the two/three (wife/mum-to-be/SIL) of you.
Of course you did the right thing! You were very loving and generous to offer to come help your mom with the preparations. Her anger and jealousy are ridiculous and/or a sign of mental health issues. If she was so upset that you couldn’t be at the shower itself, she should have postponed it for a couple of weeks.
I’m sorry that she chose to spin this in a negative way to other family members. Your brother? Who knows — how has he and his wife been with you ever since?
I hope your mom comes to her senses and you can patch things up. Maybe a family member can help smooth things over with her. But don’t blame yourself….big hugs to you!
NTA
NTA, and sorry for your loss. Why does your mom care so much if your brother is fine with it? It is not her baby. That’s just strange to me. She needs to focus on her own thing and how you and your husband are grieving, not on this.
Baby showers aren’t a thing where im from/shouldn’t be a thing to take priority over serious commitments. Also baby isnt born yet. So no, they are TAH, as saying goodbye is only possible now, but you will have many years to say hello to the baby.
I don’t even need to read the details. Go to the funeral. NTA at all.
NTA Your mom is entirely overreacting and making this about her and projecting her feelings. Does she usually have this hard of a time and pull the guilt trips when people don’t prioritize her or her efforts? Or is her lack of empathy reserved for when a death of someone she doesn’t know overshadows her plans for a few hours?
You are standing by your husband and his family during a loss. You are doing the right thing. As far as your mother’s dramatics I wouldn’t give it life. I wouldn’t bring it up. If she goes on a rant I would calmly excuse myself from the conversations. “This subject has been discussed”. Hang up or walk away. If she can’t upset you she will eventually learn to leave you alone.
NTA. Of course, the funeral supersedes the shower. But it sounds like the logistics for the original plan for the shower may have been off anyway. The people whose attendance is most important to your mom don’t live in town, and by her own words “hardly anyone is coming.”
NTA. Does your mother always try to emotionally manipulate you like this? The funeral is more important.
Stop trying to call her. She wants you to feel guilty and come back begging for forgiveness. Be prepared for her to make you feel bad for all the work she had to do on her own—because she rejected your help.
NTA, but your mother sure is. She sounds awful and I wouldn’t trust her when it comes to what she said about your brother’s reaction.
Perhaps even tell your brother that you’re worried about your mother and ask him if he knows what’s wrong with her, as she’s now even smearing his name (tell him exactly what she said or show him the texts). He deserves to know what his mother is doing behind his back.
NAH
Any option for Hubby to attend funeral whilst you turn up for the baby shower?
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I have had this dilemma a couple of times. Honoring good people who have passed and being there for their family is my priority. Good people will understand.
NTA
JFC, you go to a funeral for an important person over going to a baby shower. This isn’t an actual question. Tell your mom to stop drama mongering.
NTA, by any means.
A baby shower is sweet and cute. And you offered to help anyway even though you have so much going on.
A funeral for a loved one is a once and done thing. It’s a chance to grieve with other people who loved that person.
You are absolutely in the right here.
NTA – this is a tough situation. Don’t feel like going the week before would be of any true service, if your job was preparing food for the event.
And I also acknowledge that your brother might not be OK, but there are many kind people who are going to tell someone they’re pissed off they can’t come to their party while they are bereft.
I am sorry for your loss. I also think it is simultaneously valid for there to be disappointment on the other end, especially as you said the baby shower required travel, there were likely questions of your availability before planning. Again, you could never have expected something like this would happen, however, that does not diminish that feeling of disappointment.