I (38F) have an 8 month old son who had his first day in the pool. Of course, I wanted videos and photos of this. We were at my friend’s house, just the girls and some of our kids, hanging out. I asked my husband to come for a bit just so he wouldn’t miss our son’s first time in the pool.
My husband recorded everything on his phone and sent it to me. I didn’t look at it till I got home. I told him that I look HUGE in 90% of the photos and need most of them deleted from even his phone. The video, nothing I could do about it. I said “You didn’t send it to your parents though, right?” and he said of course he did.
I honestly wanted to throw up. I’m exclusively breastfeeding and I’m struggling physically and mentally. I am not at my ideal weight and I’m very insecure about it. To make things worse, i look even bigger than I actually am in the photos and video. It’s not something I wanted shared without choosing what wax shared.
I got upset and started crying and my husband said this was stupid and I’m being ridiculous. I told him later on text, that I’m so insecure about my body right now and there’s not much i can do at the moment. That this is how I feel, and he’s basically saying my feelings don’t matter. According to him “It’s just my parents, who f*cking cares?!” .. but to me, i don’t want ANYONE actually having those videos and photos. It’s embarrassing for me. I wanted those memories recorded for me, and I didn’t want to miss out on it because of how I look. I just would have edited the video sent and picked one of the photos that I liked.
For context, we’ve been together for 11 years. I said to him “I’ve ALWAYS cared how i look in photos and ask to see if it’s okay. Why would you think I want anything sent of me looking like this, without me seeing it and saying okay first?” .. but to him, again “It’s my parents, no one cares. Don’t be in the f*cking pictures then.”
He then told me I’m beginning to remind him of his sister (who is actually just a vile person) and that’s when I lost it. I asked him what the f*ck I did to him to deserve that and walked off bawling my eyes out. Later in the evening he asked if we were gonna talk and I just cried and said I have nothing to say.
AITA?
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I (38F) have an 8 month old son who had his first day in the pool. Of course, I wanted videos and photos of this. We were at my friend’s house, just the girls and some of our kids, hanging out. I asked my husband to come for a bit just so he wouldn’t miss our son’s first time in the pool.
My husband recorded everything on his phone and sent it to me. I didn’t look at it till I got home. I told him that I look HUGE in 90% of the photos and need most of them deleted from even his phone. The video, nothing I could do about it. I said “You didn’t send it to your parents though, right?” and he said of course he did.
I honestly wanted to throw up. I’m exclusively breastfeeding and I’m struggling physically and mentally. I am not at my ideal weight and I’m very insecure about it. To make things worse, i look even bigger than I actually am in the photos and video. It’s not something I wanted shared without choosing what wax shared.
I got upset and started crying and my husband said this was stupid and I’m being ridiculous. I told him later on text, that I’m so insecure about my body right now and there’s not much i can do at the moment. That this is how I feel, and he’s basically saying my feelings don’t matter. According to him “It’s just my parents, who f*cking cares?!” .. but to me, i don’t want ANYONE actually having those videos and photos. It’s embarrassing for me. I wanted those memories recorded for me, and I didn’t want to miss out on it because of how I look. I just would have edited the video sent and picked one of the photos that I liked.
For context, we’ve been together for 11 years. I said to him “I’ve ALWAYS cared how i look in photos and ask to see if it’s okay. Why would you think I want anything sent of me looking like this, without me seeing it and saying okay first?” .. but to him, again “It’s my parents, no one cares. Don’t be in the f*cking pictures then.”
He then told me I’m beginning to remind him of his sister (who is actually just a vile person) and that’s when I lost it. I asked him what the f*ck I did to him to deserve that and walked off bawling my eyes out. Later in the evening he asked if we were gonna talk and I just cried and said I have nothing to say.
AITA?
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You need to talk it out. I understand the insecurity, but give yourself grace. You just had a baby. Your husband’s dismissive attitude to your concerns is the real problem. I suspect he thinks you’re beautiful at any size and does not see the issue.
NTA. you told him that you didn’t like it, and he did it anyway. He’s the a-hole fs.
Okay, hear me out, while he should be more supportive of your feelings in this trying time… don’t make him delete photos you feel you’re awkward in. I am a large woman, I HATE pics of myself because I always feel like I look like a giantess with unsightly bulges and wobbly arms… but he thinks I’m beautiful and loves the memories. My children want to see the pictures and love to see the memories spread out. If something were to happen to me, I want them to have the capability to view those memories, even if I have a skewed view of myself.
And more than likely, your view is skewed. You are tired, you a new momma who’s been run over by the birth truck and it takes its toll. You’re going to feel like you’re at your worse, and maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, but you are beautiful to your husband and your baby, and someday, your kid is going to want to look back at those pictures and admire his mommy spending time with him. If you’re not in any photos because you’re ashamed of how you look, you’re hurting both yourself and him.
You. Are. Beautiful! You’re a new mom who is doing amazing things and still managing to function while running on low batteries. That’s more precious than whether you look thin enough in photos.
NAH
YTA I understand that you’re insecure but he wasn’t being mean or reckless by sending grandparents videos of baby’s first pool day.
And there is PLENTY that you can do while still breastfeeding. I don’t know why you say there’s not much you can do. You can even stay home and do effecting workouts and eat a good diet.
You both speak to each other in very hurtful ways when you’re mad too.
Your insecurities should not prevent your husband from sharing photos with his parents.
I suggest working on your body instead of blaming your husband and acting like a victim
INFO: did your husband know about your insecurity and not wanting to share photos in advance? Has this been a discussion before?
You are not the AH.
Fellow mum to a 8 month old son and I can tell you I’m very particular about photos being shared of me at the moment. If nothing else your body is still recovering.
Honestly I think your husband needs to show you more kindness. You are still in recovery mode plus breastfeeding can actually prevent you from losing weight due to the extra hormones.
I think you need to sit down with him and discuss boundaries and what you are comfortable with. If he can’t respect that then I would tell him he is banned from sharing photos period.
Yta, this isn’t about you, it’s about your son’s first swim and all you care about is how you looked? Grow up
I can relate. I am not photogenic at all and for some reason my husband has a special ability to make me look even worse in photos.
There have been a few times he’s shared pictures of me where I think I look like an ogre and I’m mortified. He doesn’t ever try to diminish my feelings about it though. He knows that this is just who I am, it’s an insecurity and it’s safer to let me approve any photos he takes of me.
I will say, there are some pictures of me there I hated how I looked but let them be because my kids were in them. Once several years have passed, I can look at them and see myself in a different light. I never look as bad as I think I did at the time. A lot of times I can’t believe I thought I looked so ugly when really I looked ok or even pretty good. I’m glad now that I have those pictures because they are memories with my kids that I wouldn’t have if I insisted on deleting them.
I’m not going to sit here and try to talk you out of your feelings, they are valid. But you also might one day be able to look back and be gentler on yourself once you are not so connected to the moment and the insecurities.
It sounds like it was a pretty emotionally fraught argument and maybe your husband was taken aback by your strong reaction. I hope that’s all it was and he’s not so dismissive of your feelings.
When you calm down, calmly talk to your husband and explain your feelings. Tell him that even though he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, you do and he should respect that. It’s not hard to let you approve any pictures of you before he shares them. Even if it’s just his parents he’s sending them to, he doesn’t know who they might share them with and then they’re out there in the world forever.
NAH. I’m a little on the fence since your husband didn’t validate your feelings, he may be a soft A H… but also, it’s memories with your child, and sharing a special moment with your child’s grandparents who couldn’t be there in person. I’m sure your husband didn’t once look at those photos and think to himself “wow OP looks awful. Oh well, send anyway!” He saw the mother of his child bonding with her baby and the love in that moment. You can’t let your insecurity overshadow these moments because, I’ve got news, your baby won’t be a baby very much longer and you’ll wish you had more photos with them. I don’t care if you have 12,000 pictures with live on cramming up your phone memory like I do, it’s still never enough.
Postpartum time is hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Feeling like your body is not yours is hard. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the changes is hard. But you made a whole ass person. Your body is f-ing incredibly amazing for doing that. Be kind to it. Be kind to yourself. Look at how much joy is in yours and your baby’s faces and know that that is what these photos are capturing.
NTA. I mean if you told him you didn’t like it he should have listened.
It sounds like he doesn’t see your body as embarrassing and purely wanted to share the joy of the day. Lovely idea. I’d rather he not see anything to be embarrassed about that than him deleting the pics because you look gross! And tbh he’s kinda right. It’s just his parents. If they don’t like it, screw them! Besides, they’ll be absolutely focused on your bubba.
I also hear you on the body uncertainty. Postpartum self-image and all that pregnancy does to our bodies is hard. Please don’t delete all the pics. Your kids will love those pics, won’t see the wobbly bits, but will see you there loving on them. In time you’ll be able to look back with kindness for yourself and realise your body is accommodating a lot right now, give it some kindness til you find your way through this.
I see NAH, and I hope your embarrassment doesn’t cloud over your relationship right now. You need each other’s kindness.
NTA
But your husband owes you a massive apology. I understand that postpartum body, my baby is almost 18 months and I am desperately unhappy with how I look. But I’m still breastfeeding (don’t recommend!) and she’s still waking regularly at night and I am exhausted. Breastfeeding makes me want to eat all day and night, I’m absolutely ravenous. And I have no energy to do any kind of exercise. Being a mum is intense and the changes your body goes through and the difficulty in making it into something you are happy with is so hard. Please be kind to yourself sweetheart. My partner never thinks about how I look in pictures, he just sees his baby and her mum when he snaps something, but he would never, ever, speak to me that way. Try to initiate a conversation with your husband when things are calmer, he can’t react this way when you are so upset and unhappy, he’s supposed to be supportive and encouraging not dismissive and rude.
YTA, you were pregnant it’s normal to not have model sizes. The pictures are about your kid, not you. Get over it.
My girlfriend is also insecure about her body, if I would exclusively mind how she feels about herself, we wouldn’t do anything other than staying home and I wouldn’t have a single picture about her.
By the way, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel about yourself, no matter how you look. You should start working on that, rather than criticising your husband for making pictures of your child.
Nobody cares about how you look in these, and as others have pointed out: if you don’t like your body, do something about it.
Photos and videos that have you in it require your consent for being shared. NTA.
I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. Having a child means your body going through (irreversible) changes and while you did an incredible thing bringing new life into the world, you deserve to be in control of your body again, and you deserve time to adjust and to decide what to do and what not to do.
Maybe, in a day or two, share the thread with husband. He’s either incredibly ignorant, or being defensive for some reason, neither of which is valid.
He should be grateful to you for being willing to even go through pregnancy and breastfeeding, with all it entails. He’s not showing you any of that.
NTA. So what if he doesn’t care or his parents don’t care, YOU care! The things YOU care about matter. If you want to check over photos of you and don’t want people seeing particular ones, that’s perfectly reasonable. If your husband dismisses things YOU care about, that’s an issue. That’s a big issue. Because it isn’t about just photos, it’s about something that matters to you whether he understands why it matters or not. If he can’t be there for you when you care about, idk, wearing a colander on your head how is he going to be there when you care about big things? How can he be there for you when he’s comparing you to someone you both, seemingly, find unpleasant and “vile”?
If he doesn’t have an apology ready to go backed up by sincere change, then you’ll have more of these moments.
I am in the exact same boat, and whoever said that breastfeeding means you lose all the baby weight super fast, clearly does not have my genetics. Also “eating for two” couldn’t be any more valid than when breastfeeding g and awake half the night.
Anyhoo, back to the post. You should have control over what pictures are shown and sent where, because you never know where they get shared. So NTA.
I avoided being in pictures with my baby from 3 ish months because I hate the way I look, but I started putting a baby book together and realised I have almost no photos with my baby, and I regret that more than what I look like in the ones I do have. Just food for thought, but know you are beautiful and your little one only knows their mummas face looking down at them now, not what it used to be, so don’t rush changing it.