This will be my wife and I’s first child. My sister has multiple children. My wife requested that the shower be kid-free, but husbands are invited. I could’ve gone either way, but if that’s her preference, I’m happy to support it. It makes sense to me, as I had never heard of kids being invited to a baby shower.
When I told my sister about the baby shower, I hadn’t gotten to the point where I told her it was kid free. Immediately she told me she’d be bringing two of her children. Also, one her kids has a competition so she wouldn’t be able to stay the whole time. I told her, “So, we’re going to have a babysitter that day which we’ll pay for to watch any kids that people bring along.” I thought that was super generous. She responded by shouting with, “I don’t want to do that!” It felt rude and inconsiderate. I dropped it and figured we’d revisit later.
We saw her in person. She was being really snippy that day. She said, “So my time at the shower is going to be a little crunched. Kid A has a competition in the morning and I want to catch part of it. Kid B has a swimming lesson at 4 PM.” So, I’m already crunching the math, including distance, that it doesn’t actually leave her any time to actually be at the baby shower. Then she starts grilling my wife. She goes, “When are you gonna stop making these kid-free events?” in a snarky tone. Then she grilled her because her kids are always the exception, blah blah. She keeps eyeing me for support, but she was being so god damned rude to my pregnant wife. I just said, “Because it’s a no kids event.” I then walked away and my wife handled it diplomatically. My sister was pissed the rest of her time there but said nothing.
In between, I had already discussed the situation with my wife. If it were super important to my sister, we would consider it and probably say okay as long as she can guarantee that they won’t be a distraction. However, we would only go about considering it if my sister asked nicely just once since every time it was mentioned it was rude and came out like a demand. I was hopeful that either agree to the sitter or ask nicely.
Then a few days back I got a text that amounted to, “It would be too upsetting for the kids to have to stay at home with a baby sitter while I go to the shower. So I talked it over with my husband and we won’t be attending. Kid A also has a competition the following day too so we won’t be able to come by on Sunday either. Sorry. I’ll send a gift.”
I was pretty hurt by this. I wrote her back and told her I was very disappointed with her prioritization and I don’t feel like I am a priority to her. I haven’t heard from her since. She has a history of causing issues anytime something big is going on for me. Meanwhile, I am at anything of hers that matters, barring extreme circumstances.
Never did I think suggesting a sitter would’ve caused this. I’m extremely disappointed. So, am I the asshole for not allowing my sister’s kids at the baby shower?
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This will be my wife and I’s first child. My sister has multiple children. My wife requested that the shower be kid-free, but husbands are invited. I could’ve gone either way, but if that’s her preference, I’m happy to support it. It makes sense to me, as I had never heard of kids being invited to a baby shower.
When I told my sister about the baby shower, I hadn’t gotten to the point where I told her it was kid free. Immediately she told me she’d be bringing two of her children. Also, one her kids has a competition so she wouldn’t be able to stay the whole time. I told her, “So, we’re going to have a babysitter that day which we’ll pay for to watch any kids that people bring along.” I thought that was super generous. She responded by shouting with, “I don’t want to do that!” It felt rude and inconsiderate. I dropped it and figured we’d revisit later.
We saw her in person. She was being really snippy that day. She said, “So my time at the shower is going to be a little crunched. Kid A has a competition in the morning and I want to catch part of it. Kid B has a swimming lesson at 4 PM.” So, I’m already crunching the math, including distance, that it doesn’t actually leave her any time to actually be at the baby shower. Then she starts grilling my wife. She goes, “When are you gonna stop making these kid-free events?” in a snarky tone. Then she grilled her because her kids are always the exception, blah blah. She keeps eyeing me for support, but she was being so god damned rude to my pregnant wife. I just said, “Because it’s a no kids event.” I then walked away and my wife handled it diplomatically. My sister was pissed the rest of her time there but said nothing.
In between, I had already discussed the situation with my wife. If it were super important to my sister, we would consider it and probably say okay as long as she can guarantee that they won’t be a distraction. However, we would only go about considering it if my sister asked nicely just once since every time it was mentioned it was rude and came out like a demand. I was hopeful that either agree to the sitter or ask nicely.
Then a few days back I got a text that amounted to, “It would be too upsetting for the kids to have to stay at home with a baby sitter while I go to the shower. So I talked it over with my husband and we won’t be attending. Kid A also has a competition the following day too so we won’t be able to come by on Sunday either. Sorry. I’ll send a gift.”
I was pretty hurt by this. I wrote her back and told her I was very disappointed with her prioritization and I don’t feel like I am a priority to her. I haven’t heard from her since. She has a history of causing issues anytime something big is going on for me. Meanwhile, I am at anything of hers that matters, barring extreme circumstances.
Never did I think suggesting a sitter would’ve caused this. I’m extremely disappointed. So, am the asshole for not giving into my sister’s demands?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hi. The question is whether not allowing my sister’s kids to be at the baby shower would make me the asshole. I thought it was clear enough. How would you like me to phrase it to be clearer?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA mate. Your shower your rules. If someone doesn’t like the rules of a kids free event they need to ask about a concession, not tell you they’re having one. Sounds like you tried to make it work, hope you have an awesome time celebrating your growing family.
NTA…. but, when she started to say about taking kid a and b to things on the same day, that’s when I would have said simply “Sis, I understand. You have to run with the kids. It’s ok. You’ll be missed but we understand.” That would have probably nipped the thing at that point. Going forward, put her on information diet. And if she shows, she shows. If she doesn’t it’s on her. You are prioritizing your wife and child. Keep your boundaries with your sister and keep the BS away from your wife and child.
NTA: Sounds like you communicated a boundary, and she is being a bit self-absorbed. You mentioned she has a husband, why couldn’t he coordinate the kids while she supports you? If there’s a will, there’s a way… sounds like she doesn’t have the ‘will’ to prioritize a rare family moment with you.
ESH
She shouldn’t be rude and passive aggressive in her communication.
When you make an event kid free, you don’t have a right to be ‘hurt’ when people with kids can’t make it.
Do what you want but am adults only baby shower is a weird hill to me. You’re joining the breeders club, it feels weird to tell other parents, come celebrate our kid but we don’t want your kids around.
Doesn’t make you AHs, just comes off as weird.
To your sister not prioritizing you… well you’ve known from the first conversation that her kids had things that day. She actually needs to be at their events and you said it yourself, with her kids in tow, she barely could be at the shower. Having to work around her kids and go to the shower alone can only make that more impossible. So I’m going to call you unreasonable for that.
YTA Sounds like by prioritizing going to her own children’s events she wouldn’t have had much time at yours anyway. You won’t be much of a parent if you can’t understand that your children come before siblings.
NTA
It seems like your sister chose to immediately escalate the situation instead of trying to figure things out and there’s nothing wrong with having a kids-free baby shower.
It’s not like you excluded her kids specifically for some reason… also offering to pay for a babysitter was pretty considerate of you.
Also the fact that it’s your first child kind of makes her more of an asshole.
The family you made is priority over the one you come from. A no kids shower is…..weird….never not one time have I ever heard of a kid free shower but it’s your shower you do you. How she handled it could’ve been better but your response to her was shitty too.
You have the right to not want kids at your shower but it’s not a good look to get butthurt when a person prioritizes their children over you.
When you make an even kid free, don’t be suprised when people with kids don’t show up.
Maybe you will have a diferent perspective when you’ll have a 2-3 kids.
She didn’t have to clarify her parties with no kids because no one had them when she was doing her baby shower. Now she expects everyone to cater to her and her kids. Just know you are not a priority for her
Forgive me but did you really abandon this problem to your wife? You need to grow a spine
Lmao I was on your side until you complained about her prioritizing her actual children over you. Fucking Duh! Why would she prioritize a party for you over attending her child’s competition, get a grip YTA
ESH: You are an asshole for your response. When you make an event kid-free you need to accept that some parents are going to be unable/unwilling to attend.
She was an asshole for trying to force you to accept her kids, but I don’t think she is one for declining to attend because going alone would be logistically harder with the other stuff she needs to do that day.
The last baby shower I went to, a 6 year old dumped the table with the cake and punch bowl. Pretty much ended the shower. Expectant mother covered with sticky icky and sitting there in tears screaming that she didn’t want <<person’s name>> kids there for this very reason. It was horrible. So I completely understand your wife wanting this to be her last kid free event – it’s why parents have a babymoon before the first baby’s born, right? Because everything after revolves around a new life?
After people have kids, their lives revolve around their kids and for some reason can’t fathom any one else not wanting kids every where all the time.
>Meanwhile, I am at anything of hers that matters, barring extreme circumstances.
That’s over anyway because you will be busy with your new kid! NTA.
NTA for wanting a few more kid free events before yours is born.
Y T A for saying your sister should prioritize your part over her kids. She said from the beginning that her kids had events that day. It’s reasinable that she would prioritize them. It’s awful being the kid whose parents prioritize other things over you.
Listen, you can make it kid free if you want. I have a suspicion about the behavior of your sisters kids based on how she acts as you describe and that may be a reason why. Either way, it’s your right to have a kid free event BUT you have to accept if people don’t attend BECAUSE it’s a kid free event, be it a shower, wedding or any other kind of event.
ESH. she should be prioritizing her kids over you???? And the fact you think she shouldn’t is effing wild to me. Her kids are busy. They had preexisting plans on the day you guys planned the baby shower. And invite is just that, and invite. Not a summons. She isn’t required to be there. Kid free events don’t work for her, cool. You only want to do kid free events, cool. Honestly the only person that sounds like they’re handling it well is your wife. But you and your sister are definitely the AH.
YTA, but not because you’re having a kid free event but because you need to realize that if you don’t want kids there, it’s going to affect who can come. You have every right to have a kid free event, but they also have every right to decide that they would rather not attend
YTA. Your upset she prioritized her children, please grow up before yours is born
Yta
No one cares about your baby shower. Especially when men are invited. Baby Showers aren’t exactly fun. Your wife was already being obnoxious by inviting men into one of the few spaces left that is women only. Then kids were banned in a space thar culturally includes children if the family and friend group has them.
A Shower is just a way to give you gifts and get the happiness of seeing you open them (if you were polite enough to open them at the shower).
They’re an obligation we do because you’re important to us, but there are limits to how much we will inconvenience ourselves.
You invited your sister. She declined. Move on.
>. She said, “So my time at the shower is going to be a little crunched. Kid A has a competition in the morning and I want to catch part of it. Kid B has a swimming lesson at 4 PM.” So, I’m already crunching the math, including distance, that it doesn’t actually leave her any time to actually be at the baby shower.
Why are you mad she cant come when she already told you she wouldnt have the time? and offering to pay for a sitter doesnt change the fact that its upsetting for her family. You cant set a child free rule and then be mad that people with children dont want to come. ESH
I mean a kid’s free baby shower is weird but to each their own. Just remember once your little one is here, there will be events that you will be excluded from.
Sister’s husband could have taken over kid duties for a couple of hours. Funny how no other shower guests had a problem. Adult time after children is important to one’s mental health.
Baby Showers are not for children and you should never have needed to explain that to your sister. But it seems like maybe you did not mail invitations or use a text invitation app. Then again, apparently there are people who still don’t understand that the invitation is addressed to the people who are invited and that if it does not include the children by name or come addressed to The Cavenaugh Family, their children are not invited.
But I am going with ESH because you have perpetuated this problem by refusing to accept your sister’s regrets with maturity and tact.
Yes, she made a fool of herself and was wildly hostile. But she told you she is not attending and that seems like a great big WIN to me. Stop chasing her and telling her you are upset that she doesn’t come. She will not attend the event unless she can disrupt it with her children. I find it difficult to believe that her company would be anything but tedious and annoying if she saw her way clear to going under the parameters that are at play.
Leave it be!
And don’t make your wife fight this battle in the future!
I’ve never been to a shower with kids! I can only guess what a child would think of the silly games and boredom of the unwrapping!
Whoooooa I was with you until you being “hurt” that she couldn’t make it. You’re disappointed at her “prioritization?!” Dude. She’s prioritizing her kids. It’s what you do. She’s made it very clear her kids have crap going on all weekend. It happens. Part of making events kid free is accepting that people with kids won’t always be able to get there. I guess ESH because she sounds kind of entitled and like she might be skipping mainly to prove a point, but also, the reasons she was stressed about making the timing work sound VALID.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a kid free baby shower. A kid free wedding, yes, and that makes a little more sense. But baby showers are supposed to be a fun family thing where you welcome and get excited about a new member of the family. It’s one thing to make that request, and it’s a whole other thing to be upset when people with multiple kids (especially more than 2) aren’t able to make arrangements for it. It’s just not a very realistic expectation. You also shouldn’t have left it up to your wife to address it with YOUR sister. You kinda put her in a bad spot with that. It’s not fair to put the entire blame on your sister’s unwillingness to let a stranger watch her kids. No parent would be comfortable with that. Seems like you and your wife need to manage your expectations a bit.
You’re crazy to think you would take priority over your sisters kids. YTA for even thinking you would
NTA, she was trying to guilt trip you into allowing her kids by saying how hurt they would be.
ESH
Your sister is being entitled and rude about the whole thing.
You guys are weird for “no kids! Even if it causes issues! Well, unless we’re asked nicely to push our boundaries of course.” It’s either a kid free event or not.
You’re also an ass for being put out that she’s not prioritizing you. If her presence was important, maybe you should’ve asked when a good weekend was for her when you were planning it. You did the mental math and thought she’d hardly be there at all, with her obligations.
It sucks that she can’t make it, but it sounds like the baby shower is less of an issue to you than the history you share and the patterns that have come up. Best to not conflate the two.
YTA. Lol how DARE she?! 🙄😆
With the exception of your wife, ESH.
YTA
Hard disagree with most folks in that in no way do I think you’re the a-hole. I think your sister sounds majorly entitled, and she owed you a simple yes or no answer without bogging you and your wife down with the logistics of planning around her spawn’s respective events. She could have just said sorry, I have too much going on but decided to ramble and rave to a couple in the throes of planning a special event. So inconsiderate. As a mom myself, I don’t give a shit how stressed she is as this behavior is rude. NTA!!!
Hahahahahhaa just wait till you have kids my guy….
YTA you can’t say no kids and them get mad at her because she is prioritizing her kids!!?? Also a kid free baby shower is kinda odd to me
NTA OP but your sister can say no.
I do think your sister is the type who needs to take her kids everywhere. I don’t see why she couldn’t come and her husband handle the kids for an afternoon or if she wants to stay with kids, he could have attended.
For people who stack their whole weekend with activities for their kids, imo it doesn’t hurt if you or your child miss a single event for an important family matter. Life continues for everyone and you can’t miss every birthday, wedding or other celebration because your kid has a swimming lesson. The competition I get, a regular swimming lesson – that’s just an excuse.
OP’s sister is making no effort – just live your life OP. Your sister has no room in her life for anything that doesn’t revolve around her kids. Even if you did invite the kids she needs to leave for a swim class.
So, similarly, understand her priority and put your own growing family first.
ESH.
Just give a thumbs up 👍 to her message and leave it at that. Your response just feeds the troll.
ESH.
All was fine til you were bothered by her prioritising her own children over her brothers baby shower.
You and your new kid ain’t her priority. But sister is not innocent with being annoyed when her kids aren’t invited.
Your sister is out of line, but YTA. Why are you hurt that she is prioritizing her kids? Though her question about the kid-free events is valid, you should have shut her rudeness down immediately. It’s quite cowardly to make your wife deal with your ridiculous family. Grow a spine.
ESH.
YTA. You’re fully entitled to have a child-free event, that’s your prerogative. But you don’t then get to be upset when people don’t feel comfortable letting some rando babysit and opt not to come.
Also, be so for real. You’re “hurt” and “disappointed by her prioritization”? You mean… the prioritization of her own damn kids over some party to which they aren’t invited?? I get your kid isn’t born yet, but when you do have an actual child you’re going to learn real quick that your first priority as a parent is your child.
YTA Invitations aren’t supposed to be commands. This is doubly true of shower invitations as guests are required to bring pricy gifts.
YTA.
You’re free to hold child-free events. But it’s ridiculous to be “hurt” when a person with children decides they cannot attend a child-free event. That was the decision YOU made when you decided the event was child free.
> I was pretty hurt by this. I wrote her back and told her I was very disappointed with her prioritization and I don’t feel like I am a priority to her.
Yes, she prioritizes her kids over you. You’re literally inviting her to a baby shower, and you’re struggling with a parent who prioritizes their own children? Good lord, the universe does not revolve around you, OP.
I’m not surprised that she hasn’t responded. There is no response to make. Adults don’t need to agree on everything; she has her schedule and you have yours. It’s done.
ESH. She’s allowed to prioritize her children and not come, but she sounds like she just does and says things to be rude. “Sorry. I’ll send a gift.” Yeah, people don’t text that way unless they’re being a B. The kids have a dad. Why couldn’t he watch them for a bit? “It would be too upsetting for the kids” yeah… sure. She’s allowed to say no, but she’s also just rude.
You’re TA for leaving your wife with her though and expecting your party to be a priority in sister’s life.