My girlfriend and I have got a few plans for later in the year. We live in the UK and there’s a few music artists were going to see and a couple of festivals between May-June then we’re looking at going on holiday in June or July.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer last year and she unfortunately got worse tepidly this month and passed away a couple of days ago.
I told my gf I’m not going to be in the right headspace to go away for a few months so the plans we’ve gotten will have to be cancelled or she can go on her own or sell my tickets to a friend.
My girlfriend said I am putting my life on hold when I shouldn’t be. I just repeated what i had already said. I told her no one is stopping her going but I won’t be there.
She just again said I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold and pointed out my sister had recently been on holiday.
AITA for cancelling plans due to the death of a parent?
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My girlfriend and I have got a few plans for later in the year. We live in the UK and there’s a few music artists were going to see and a couple of festivals between May-June then we’re looking at going on holiday in June or July.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer last year and she unfortunately got worse tepidly this month and passed away a couple of days ago.
I told my gf I’m not going to be in the right headspace to go away for a few months so the plans we’ve gotten will have to be cancelled or she can go on her own or sell my tickets to a friend.
My girlfriend said I am putting my life on hold when I shouldn’t be. I just repeated what i had already said. I told her no one is stopping her going but I won’t be there.
She just again said I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold and pointed out my sister had recently been on holiday.
AITA for cancelling plans due to the death of a parent?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Cancelled a few plans due to my mothers death
My partner said I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold and shouldn’t be cancelling plans
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nope, NTA at all. You just lost your mum – of course you’re not going to be in the mood for festivals and holidays right now. Grief hits everyone differently, and if you feel like you need time, that’s completely valid.
NTA
and honestly if my partner acted like that after I lost a parent, they would be my ex
NTA, if it’s that important to her then she can go with her friend.
NTA at all, your g/f is being tone-deaf here. You’re not putting your life on hold – this is the acute phase of the grieving process, and this is how you want to handle it. That’s totally fine.
NTA
First, sorry for your loss.
Everyone copes with grief differently. Some people might like the distraction that travel and events bring. But you know yourself best, and it sounds like you know that traveling and festivals aren’t a good space for you while dealing with this loss.
I understand your girlfriend’s disappointment at you not attending with her, but she shouldn’t be pressuring you to attend. You’ve given her plenty of options for her to still travel while you are taking the time you need. Really, it’s a bit discouraging that she’s not being more supportive of you right now and trying to push you into something you’ve clearly stated you’re not comfortable with.
NTA at all. Losing a parent is literally one of the hardest things anyone can go through. You’re not putting your life on hold, you’re just prioritizing your mental health right now. If she doesn’t get that, that’s a red flag 🚩. She can still go and enjoy those plans if she wants, but it’s completely reasonable for you to need time to grieve. Everyone handles loss differently, and if she’s pressuring you, it might be worth having a deeper convo about what’s going on with her expectations. Take care of yourself, fam.
This is fucking stupid. No.
NTA…I’m sorry for your loss. No one can tell you how you’re supposed to feel. You gave her options.
NTA. you’re preparing yourself (and her) for the inevitable. If she can’t show empathy and understanding for the position that you’re in and the problems that you’re trying to avoid, she has some growing up to do.
NTA I’m assuming wjen she says your sister just went on vacation, it was BEFORE your mother passed.
NTA, OP!
You’re grieving the loss of your mother, which I completely understand as I’m grieving my own mother who just died.
Take all the time and space you need to process this and to start healing. Nobody has any right to tell anyone else how they should feel or how long they should grieve losing a loved one.
Maybe put a little distance (literally and figuratively) between yourself and your friend for a while if she can’t be supportive of you…
Nta and your gf obviously is, but maybe don’t cancel everything just yet. You have no idea how the grief will go and what you will feel like doing. Maybe just put everything on hold for a month and see where you are at when the time comes. This is still so fresh.
NTA
Lose the gf she has shown herself to not be empathetic, you lost your mother!
NTA. Everyone Grieves differently. If you want some time to yourself to just chill and absorb the change in your life without your mother then do what you need to do for yourself. It’s not right that your girlfriend’s trying to pressure you into going anyway well look she went and did this while your mom was sick why can’t you go and do this after she’s gone. I know it will only be a few weeks but still you can still go and have a good time. Yeah it’s a bit callous.
NTA are you saying though that you are taking months off to go to concerts?
NTA. Your gf is out of line if she’s telling you how you should grieve. You’ve told her how you feel and if she can’t accept that, then maybe she’s more concerned with herself than you. That’s a pretty red flag she’s waving.
I’m sorry for your loss. I respect that you need to take some time and space to process the idea of life without your mom there. It is not an easy (or quick) realignment. My dad passed in 2024 and I’m just rejoining most of my former activities. Do what you need to take care of yourself, including telling GF you aren’t going to be traveling this spring. Best wishes.
NTA
Edit: verdict added
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mom died, after a tough illness, it’s not like a distant relative or something. Your gf seems to be acting selfishly and lacking in empathy.
NTA. Weird one though, OP, because while she’s being an A-hole by being too direct and demanding about it, your girlfriend isn’t wrong. She isn’t right, really, but she isn’t wrong. You are in the very immediate grip of grief right now. That grip will not fade, but it will change.
My condolences, OP, it is never easy to lose someone, and there are few people in our lives with more presence than our parents. The only person who gets to make the call about how you feel and what you feel up to doing is you.
I wish your girlfriend had any sense of sensitivity here though, because cancelling plans for May, understandable, but cancelling June and July plans now is presumptuous. There’s a process to grief. Your feelings right now will not be your feelings in a month, at least, not necessarily. Cancel the soonest plans, absolutely. Leave the other ones alone for now. You cancel them later when you see how you’re feeling closer to.
Get a new girlfriend
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. You are actually showing great personal insight, and also are sparing your girlfriend from the many emotions that grief can cause. It’s not like you are stopping HER from going.
NTA. You are grieving. Everyone grieves differently. Just don’t get too far in your head as that would be bad. You need to find a bereavement counselor and/or group to help you work through the pain and loss. You may not feel the same way by the time June and July come around. Don’t make decisions based on what you are feeling now as those feelings may not be the same tomorrow/next week/next month etc.
There are two types of people. People who’ve lost their mom and people who have no idea what that’s like.
It took me 5 years to recover from losing my mom. I don’t even remember what life was like for the first year, that’s how awful it was.
You’re NTA. Sorry for the loss of your mom.
NTA. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. But I worry about your girlfriend’s cluelessness. You’re supposed to support your significant other during times like this, not rush them through or minimize their feelings because it’s not convenient.
NAH.
Everyone grieves differently and just because your sister went on holiday doesn’t mean you are able to do the same. At the same time your GF is trying to be supportive the only way she knows how. And part of that is to love you enough to make sure you don’t lock yourself away forever. Make sure to give each other grace.
I can somewhat relate: I remember when my mom passed away 15 years ago, I went on a trip shortly after. I don’t remember the trip. I was too lost in grief (and sick as well). So I have photos, but they mean nothing to me. At the same time I had a friend who wouldn’t give up on me and tried to get me to go out and I refused. So she would randomly show up with food, leave it by my door, text me as she was leaving. She never insisted on visiting with me, but she wanted me to know I wasn’t alone. That I remember all these years later.
So sorry for your loss.
NTA, but also not making the right decisions with communication. When someone dies it can be a sudden reaction to cancel plans or sell the person’s assets, move homes, etc. I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t make big decisions right away after a death because your emotions are in a blender.
Personally, and also having the hindsight of living through the deaths of very close family members, I would have not said anything until 2 weeks before – to give myself time to sit with things and figure out what I want. If I didn’t feel up to it at that point I would have the conversation, but if you wait then you don’t “sell [the] tickets to a friend.” You give them to her to make other arrangements with someone. Or have the conversation now and say that right now you don’t feel like it would work for you, is there a date later that you can both agree on to revisit, and if you don’t feel you can go then she could sell or give the ticket to another friend.
Also from personal experience, I welcomed those trips or events I took time to attend with friends and family as a nice distraction from my grief.
Nta. Sorry for your loss
Your girl friend has no compassion for you.
You stay home. Let her go. Think about if this is the person you want who left and didn’t support you.
I’m very sorry for your loss and understand how you feel, having recently lost my own mother. I’d like to offer a different perspective, though, in that the sorts of activities you and your gf had planned are exactly what you need to help get past the grief. I know it can feel like a betrayal to your mother’s memory to go out and have fun, but consider how she would feel – she wouldn’t want to see you suffer. NAH, but while it may seem indelicate, your gf has a point. I wish you the best as you work through your grief, but trust that time will help you.
NTA, my deepest condolences. You deal with the grief however is best for you. (Just a caveat to do it soberly, as alcohol and drugs just prolong and worsen the pain.)
Your girlfriend’s response seems well-intentioned if I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt. But fresh grief inherently puts life on hold. Be patient and kind with yourself.
NTA. She is being incredibly insensitive. You and your sister are different people. If you don’t feel you will be ready to be out and about partying and going to gigs she needs to respect that. I don’t understand why that’s even remotely difficult to her. You can sell your tickets, she can go alone, get a friend, etc. Your wellbeing is the priority here.