Hi. For context, I (26F) have known Josh (23M) for 8 years. We met through an online gaming community and are part of a friend group that meets regularly in our city. We’ve gone on vacations together and helped each other over the years.
Josh lived at home and went to university, while I’ve been financially independent since 19. Two years ago, his uni housing got bedbugs (third time that year), so I offered him a room in my apartment at a reduced rent, as he was a student supported by his parents.
Living together was tough. He lacked basic life skills. I tried helping – made chore lists, explained tasks, even let him stay after he was kicked from uni. But he never improved. I eventually burned out and asked him to move out. He was upset, mostly due to higher rent costs, but moved. We still kept in touch through our friend group.
Josh often complains about money. When we lived together, he never cooked, always ordered food, and now survives on store-bought baguettes, which has affected his health. I got him a job at my company (I’m a manager), even increased his starting pay by 40% because I believe he has potential and wanted to help.
It’s been 4 months, but little has changed. He’s been venting to our friends about struggling – trash piling up, missed appointments, money issues, poor health, no dating luck. The group organized cooking/cleaning sessions at his place. I joined two. He just watched while we worked.
I realized I can’t keep doing this. I stepped away from supporting Josh and focused on myself and other friends. Then I got messages asking why I don’t help anymore, saying Josh admires me and needs guidance. I explained I already did more than most: 15 months living together, job help, even paid for a cleaner- he couldn’t even find rags for her after living with me for a year.
Some friends called me an a-hole. I don’t hate Josh and would be fine with a friendship, but I believe he needs to take responsibility. He’s also shown poor attendance at work, which I had to address. He called me an a-hole again, accusing me of sabotaging him. I got petty and told him that if he didn’t rely on strategic incompetence, maybe life – including dating and health – would improve.
He’s now avoiding me and asked to switch managers. I feel I messed up by mixing professional and personal issues, and I’m not sure whether to apologise.
Side note: I suspect Josh may have undiagnosed ADHD or depression. I tried to help – scheduled at least a dozen therapy/doctor appointments for him, but he always forgot or missed them.
So… am I the a-hole?
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Hi. For context, I (26F) have known Josh (23M) for 8 years. We met through an online gaming community and are part of a friend group that meets regularly in our city. We’ve gone on vacations together and helped each other over the years.
Josh lived at home and went to university, while I’ve been financially independent since 19. Two years ago, his uni housing got bedbugs (third time that year), so I offered him a room in my apartment at a reduced rent, as he was a student supported by his parents.
Living together was tough. He lacked basic life skills. I tried helping – made chore lists, explained tasks, even let him stay after he was kicked from uni. But he never improved. I eventually burned out and asked him to move out. He was upset, mostly due to higher rent costs, but moved. We still kept in touch through our friend group.
Josh often complains about money. When we lived together, he never cooked, always ordered food, and now survives on store-bought baguettes, which has affected his health. I got him a job at my company (I’m a manager), even increased his starting pay by 40% because I believe he has potential and wanted to help.
It’s been 4 months, but little has changed. He’s been venting to our friends about struggling – trash piling up, missed appointments, money issues, poor health, no dating luck. The group organized cooking/cleaning sessions at his place. I joined two. He just watched while we worked.
I realized I can’t keep doing this. I stepped away from supporting Josh and focused on myself and other friends. Then I got messages asking why I don’t help anymore, saying Josh admires me and needs guidance. I explained I already did more than most: 15 months living together, job help, even paid for a cleaner- he couldn’t even find rags for her after living with me for a year.
Some friends called me an a-hole. I don’t hate Josh and would be fine with a friendship, but I believe he needs to take responsibility. He’s also shown poor attendance at work, which I had to address. He called me an a-hole again, accusing me of sabotaging him. I got petty and told him that if he didn’t rely on strategic incompetence, maybe life – including dating and health – would improve.
He’s now avoiding me and asked to switch managers. I feel I messed up by mixing professional and personal issues, and I’m not sure whether to apologise.
Side note: I suspect Josh may have undiagnosed ADHD or depression. I tried to help – scheduled at least a dozen therapy/doctor appointments for him, but he always forgot or missed them.
So… am I the a-hole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) confronted my friend at work with performance issues and mixed in his personal issues when he was mean to me. (2) I shouldve kept work at work and the personal stuff personal, as to keep him his right to have separated work and private life
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA at all! Seriously, it’s about time you gotta prioritize your own well-being. Friends should respect your boundaries, not exploit ’em constantly
Well you did a lot better than me definitely not the asshole I would of been done way sooner
You’re NTA OP.
You’ve done your best to help him out, and frankly it can also be mentally taxing for you. You’re right to avoid him, and at this point, he should be grateful for the help you’ve given him.
NTA. Josh is an ungrateful mooch and your friends are enablers.
You’ve done way more than most friends ever would. At some point it’s up to Josh to take responsibility for his own life
NTA. You’ve honestly done about as much as you can for him. Like the saying goes, you can open the door for someone, but they have to be the one to step through. He refused to do that, so he’s in the situation he’s in now.
From the description, it isn’t necessarily obvious whether your friend has genuine issues (ADHD/autism/etc) that are causing him a lot of trouble living independently (and therefore need to be managed), or he has just gotten into a rut as a mooch because he knows when he lets things pile up he has friends to step in and dig him out.
The first I would have some sympathy for, the second not so much…
In either case, you shouldn’t be expected to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm – you have tried your best to help out, gotten nowhere with it, and at this point choosing to step away from the situation seems completely reasonable.
NTA. You’re his friend, not his mother.
adding my voice to the chorus here. NTA – helping doesn’t mean carrying him forever. He needs to grow up and if he has some undiagnosed disorder, that’s on someone else to point out and have fixed. You were right to tell him he specializes in strategic incompetence, that wording made me chuckle. 🙂 and it’s also good that he has a different manager now as the new one will probably rip him up a little and possibly straighten him out, if he can be.