My partner and I met almost 10 years ago. He had two kiddos when we met. They were 5 and 2. We have one together. They’re now 14, 11 and 8.
Our family is wonderful and my partner and I make an excellent “team”. We raise our kids with the following values: compassion, acceptance, hard work, accountability, and much more.
My partner’s baby mama, however, is completely different. I really have no idea how they were ever even a couple… She is lazy, relies on the government, has not been involved in a single haircut or dentist appointment, and just really sucks at being a parent.
I used to do my best to include her in updates. For example, both her kiddos are involved in competitive sports during the summer. Of course, my partner and I are the ones who register for the sports, pay the fees and buy the equipment.
I’ve always sent her the schedule for everything, and she sometimes shows up. But she only shows up if I (on top of sending the schedule), also remind her the day of the game/event that it’s happening. But now I’m exhausted. On top of raising these kids and my own, I also have to consistently send her reminders for the things happening in their lives for her to show up. And if I miss an update the day of, and she misses the event, somehow it’s my fault, even though she has access to the schedule. She is just too lazy to look in advance and get organized.
AITA for being sooo over it, sending her the schedules and hoping that’s enough????? Or, for the kids’ sake, should I continue sending her multiple reminders of her kids’ events on the day of in hopes she attends.
From a tired step mama
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My partner and I met almost 10 years ago. He had two kiddos when we met. They were 5 and 2. We have one together. They’re now 14, 11 and 8.
Our family is wonderful and my partner and I make an excellent “team”. We raise our kids with the following values: compassion, acceptance, hard work, accountability, and much more.
My partner’s baby mama, however, is completely different. I really have no idea how they were ever even a couple… She is lazy, relies on the government, has not been involved in a single haircut or dentist appointment, and just really sucks at being a parent.
I used to do my best to include her in updates. For example, both her kiddos are involved in competitive sports during the summer. Of course, my partner and I are the ones who register for the sports, pay the fees and buy the equipment.
I’ve always sent her the schedule for everything, and she sometimes shows up. But she only shows up if I (on top of sending the schedule), also remind her the day of the game/event that it’s happening. But now I’m exhausted. On top of raising these kids and my own, I also have to consistently send her reminders for the things happening in their lives for her to show up. And if I miss an update the day of, and she misses the event, somehow it’s my fault, even though she has access to the schedule. She is just too lazy to look in advance and get organized.
AITA for being sooo over it, sending her the schedules and hoping that’s enough????? Or, for the kids’ sake, should I continue sending her multiple reminders of her kids’ events on the day of in hopes she attends.
From a tired step mama
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> 1) I stopped communicating with my partner’s baby mama. 2) It impacts her relationship with her children.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Also why isn’t your husband dealing with his ex? Let him send her schedules and you can focus on the kids.
Nta this isn’t something you should be doing at all, your husband can deal with his ex and if she doesn’t show then that’s on her
Document Document etc. Could also adopting the kids… you know cut her off once and for all
NTA but there are work arounds you know. I’m only mentioning this because it’s a small thing and it would make your step kids happy to have her there. They’ll learn soon enough how bad she is.
So my advice is this. A digital family calendar with automatic reminders. Share it with her and your husband. We don’t have steps, but it makes our lives easier. Tell her from now on you’re putting it all inn there instead of sending her schedules “because it’s so much easier for us all”. Add in the kids birthdays, because she probably don’t remember those either…
NTA.
There are multiple other people who can do the reminding too – the kids’ father, the kids themselves.
For the sake of not being blamed, it might be worth saying to everyone (her, your husband, especially the kids) that she can access the calendar, and you can’t keep reminding her all the time.
I’m sorry, you’re probably a good person and not the AH, but you have to tell both sides of the story in AITA. Literally the only mention of any actual conflict over this is “somehow it’s my fault.” I can’t even tell who you’re having the fight with (partner and ex are both plausible), let alone what the antagonist’s argument is. Your position seems perfectly reasonable, but I’m not interested in guessing who has a problem with it and why they might object, and then analyzing whether my hypothetical counter-argument is valid.
Why is your partner not doing this? It’s his child. You don’t have to do it
My mom gave my sister the best advice which she didn’t follow. Husband is responsible for keeping up with his family’s birthdays and anniversaries. Husband is responsible for all communication with ex and paying the child support. My sister took it all on and got blamed.
He failed to step up in bigger ways too. They are divorced
NTA
But since her not showing up will negatively affect your kids, I would continue to send the reminders (albeit begrudgingly). I would consider the happiness of your kiddos over my own frustration/comfort.
You’re doing an amazing job!
Keep reminding her because you love the kids more than you dislike her.
Involve the kids. Don’t make it their responsibility but ask if they’ve told their mom about their game.
They are old enough to have conversations with their mom about their activities.
NTA
why isn’t the dad doing that?
you should back off. it is not your responsibility, to ensure other parent their involvement. you enable the access to the shedule. if parent does not use it, should not be on you.
NTA at all and really, it’s not your job to be contacting her at all. It’s her responsibility to ask and your husband’s responsibility to answer.
She is not your problem nor your child to parent!!!
Stop the insanity now!
If she wants to know she can ask her baby daddy for the info!
There’s a point where you need to step back from facilitating the relationship between kids and the other parent, sure when they are young you need to jog things along a bit but I think you’re getting to the point where the kids are old enough to figure this relationship with their mother out for themselves for better or worse.
I used to do this kind of thing with my daughter’s dad. Always reminding him of things that were happening for her, texting him with “talking points” before their evenings together (having her overnight was “too difficult”). I realised once she turned 18 that I was continuing to do all the thinking for him and it needed to stop. So I had a pretty frank conversation with my daughter, said it’s up to the two of you now, I’m not going to do all these things I’ve been doing for years to jolly things along (she’s not stupid, I’d never bought it up before, but she knew). She’s 25 now, they do ok, see each other once every couple of months, talk occasionally outside of that but it’s not a super close relationship but that’s on him. For me though, the relief was immense, I just let it all go – it did take some time where I had to consciously say to myself, no. You are not picking up the phone right now, it’s up to them, let it go! But it got easier over time. My relationship with him has improved over that time as well, because I don’t have all that pent up resentment simmering under the surface.
So NTA. I’d tell everyone here’s the calendar, you all have access to it, I’m not reminding anyone from here on and stick to that.
Divorcing and remarrying so early in the kids’ lives has made her a third wheel in the parenting realm. Imagine if your child had a second mother figure by the age of three. The fact that you think you’re parenting her, rather than having basically replaced her, is telling.
Let’s be real, it probably sucks to be her, especially if your husband is a decent earner. I know you came here to complain, but try to have some empathy.
NTA, and I feel like all this is going to lead to is her blaming you when she doesn’t show up bc you “didn’t remind her”. I understand you’re trying to be a good parent to the kids, and that’s awesome. But let her decide how much of a good/involved parent SHE wants to be & cause yourself less stress in the process. You’re not responsible for her, you’re responsible for showing up for the kids.
NTA
But don’t let her blame it on you to the kids.
Let the kids know that you’ve done as much as you can to keep their birth mom informed, but she has to be the one to put in the effort to be in their lives. Let them know she has access to the tools she needs and you’ll give her any info she asks for, but you’re done chasing her to attend their events.
Let them know if they want her at the events, they can ask her to come also. The 14 year old is certainly old enough to understand, the 11 year old is more borderline depending on maturity.