So, I’m (34M) originally from the East Coast. I grew up with a single mom and a little sister in a warm, safe, and diverse middle-class neighborhood. Up until about the age of 8, my childhood was pretty great! Like, WAY better than most kids I knew. My mom was loving in many ways, but she often put me and my sister’s needs last, especially mine.
Her boyfriends always came first. They made enough money, but very little of it ever went to us. I was often hungry. So much so that I nearly failed school from constant stomach aches. My school counselor was the only reason I graduated at all. She noticed early on how hungry I was and kept a drawer of peanut butter crackers and other snacks just for me. Some days that was all I ate. If I was lucky, I could buy a pack of PopTarts and eat one right before school, and the other one at home if I had the discipline not to eat it. Over the years, my growth slowed, and I ended up smaller than average with a noticeably larger head in proportion to my body.
On top of that, from ages 8–15, my mom had me heavily medicated. I didn’t need it. I wasn’t mentally ill. But the meds kept me quiet and compliant. Looking back, I realize I’ve spent most of my childhood sedated and starving for my mother’s benefit. Eventually, I developed major depression and a deep sense of worthlessness from all the neglect.
I don’t completely blame my mom. We were borderline poor, her jobs were unstable, I had behavioral issues from the neglect, and she didn’t have the energy or patience to give us the attention we needed.
When I was about 10, she started dating this guy named Donny (thats his name. fk him). He’s a man affiliated with the Italian mafia. He stole cars, robbed people at gunpoint, and I later learned he even robbed a thrift store near our home with my mom as his accomplice. She told me about it years later, laughing it off like a joke: “Haha, you could’ve been an orphan if I’d been caught.” I was pretty upset at both her decision AND her nonchalant response to the whole thing.
That same year, I witnessed a man shoot Donny in front of me and my sister during dinnertime. There was blood everywhere, and we locked ourselves in the basement. It wasn’t the first time Donny had been shot. it was something like the 10th time. Insane, dangerous, and overall stupid-yet-totally-avoidable situations like that happened nearly every year until I turned 18. Donny also did things to my sister that I’ll leave out, which my mother knows about.
When I was 16, Donny went to prison for assaulting a cop and a few other things. My mom lost everything. We moved into the worst place we’d ever lived, and my depression hit rock bottom. I turned to marijuana. Our neighbors were drug dealers so getting drugs was pretty easy. But I couldn’t handle the meds anymore. Weed was the only thing that gave me any sense of relief. My mom didn’t like it, yet she was often stumbling home drunk.
Now, some backstory: most of my extended family served in the military. They were rigid, harsh, and never showed love to me or my sister…only criticism. But when I was 17, out of nowhere, they started giving me attention. For the first time, I thought maybe I could be accepted into the family. To them, I was soft and privileged for being raised around white people (who weren’t rich by any means)….despite ALSO being insanely poor and starving ourselves.
On my 18th birthday, nearly all my aunts and uncles came over to “celebrate.” I was so excited. I finally felt loved. But there was no cake, no real celebration. Instead, they turned on me. They called me worthless for smoking weed when my mom told me I wasn’t allowed, which was the ultimate form of disrespect in their eyes. My mom stayed in another room while my family stood around, intimidating me as they forced me to pack my things. I begged for help…guidance, a job, *something…*but they refused. That night, I was crying, scared, and completely alone. (Mind you, today, my mother regularly smokes weed.)
Anyway, I slept on a tennis court that night, scarred, and FREEZING.. I never knew I could cry so…much… But the entire night I cried until the sun came up. That morning, a woman walking her dog looked right through me, like I wasn’t even human. If you’ve ever been homeless, you know the feeling… Like, you become invisible, treated as less than a rat. At least people acknowledge wild animals, but most people wont even look in the direction of a homeless person simply asking for the time. There is nothing more dehumanizing.
For months, I stole food to survive. I wanted a job, but no one would hire me without an address, phone, or shower. Shelters for men were always full. I slept hidden away, sometimes in playground slides when it rained. But I wasn’t always that lucky. People would call the police for simply being a minority sitting with a dirty backpack in a public park. I wasn’t doing drugs or drinking alcohol (couldn’t afford them anyway and I didn’t have an ID).
One day, a “friend” saw me struggling and offered help. But he manipulated my desperation, offering me $200 if I slept with him. I’m a straight guy and I thought my friend was too, but I was starving and desperate. I agreed, only after asking to get high and drunk enough to never remember. I wasn’t “out of it” enough, and afterward he shorted me $100, claiming his roommates stole it… It was obvious b.s. but I believed it for a short moment. I felt betrayed by him and pretty much everyone I’ve ever surrounded myself with. On top of everything else I just stopped looking at people as ‘good beings’ and more as soulless beasts who were good at dressing well and smelling good.
I was homeless for about 4 months before I finally reached a breaking point. I found a hole in the woods and decided I’d starve myself there. But by some miracle, something unbelievable happened and I was able to get back on my feet.
Years later, I chose to forgive my mom. But I moved to the West Coast in an attempt to rebuild my life and my sense of self. I eventually got married, but the marriage ended in a nasty divorce that left me broke and homeless again. But thats when a LOT of the trauma I forgot I had in me came rushing back.
This February, I tried to take my own life by jumping off a bridge. I survived thanks to a roommate who overheard me monologuing about killing myself, was placed on a 5150 hold, and the only person I felt I could call was my mom.
That’s when everything clicked. All the trauma I’d carried.. everything I’d survived.. stemmed from her neglect. My family, too, has only ever contacted me when they wanted money or an opportunity to belittle me. My mom tells me she loves me, but her words and actions have always been the opposite.
So now I’ve cut ties. I’ve decided not to speak with my mother or any of my family again. People are telling me though that I’m a horrible person, a horrible son, and a coward for wanting to cut all ties with my mom and my family. I don’t believe this to be true one bit, however, I’d like to hear from others.
P.S. Sorry for the bad formatting and typos. I’ve never typed this much before.
TL;DR – Trauma from being homeless and neglected made me want to cut ties with my mom. AITA?
Comments
NTA Your egg donor belongs in jail and your family is little better. I’m so sorry for what you went through, OP. Fuck parents’ rights, it’s children that need FAR MORE rights and protections than what they currently have.
NTA, your childhood was horrifying and she was a terrible mother. People don’t understand that being related by blood doesn’t excuse abuse. Being in contact will likely only be detrimental to you. I’m so so sorry you went through all of this and I hope things only get better from here, without your family’s involvement.
Dude, sit back and consider what she’s brought into your life. Weigh up the positives and the negatives.
If you talked to her right now, would you come away feeling better or worse?
That should tell you what you need to do.
As for these people who think they know your life, do they really know what’s happened in your life?
You are one of the strongest people walking the planet.
Literally.
No exaggeration.
And if it’s not too weird, I’m proud of how well you’ve done for yourself.
You have fought your way through every stumbling block your mother and her family have built for you.
You’ve done the best you could with a truly shit situation and you’re still standing here.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are strong and amazing.
You’ve not let anything keep you from getting back up.
As far as blocking your family, completely the right move. Block anyone who says any differently.
NTA by any measure.
NTA You have turned everything round in your life after all of the trauma created by your Mum and family. You don’t need their negativity and abuse it’s just too toxic! You have every right to cut them off & it certainly looks like you are coping with life a lot better without them.
Please remember you are NOT a bad son & it just shows their mentality for saying that.
Dude your mom is a piece of shit and you should never forgive her.
I would beg on the streets before letting my son starve.
Keeping toxicity away and out of your life is NEVER the wrong thing to do. NTA Good luck!
NTA – You have had the inner strength to make it without any help from family, in fact despite your toxic mom and extended family. Letting any of them back in your life would only be to your detriment. Stay strong, and keep them out of your life.
Good job. Yes, you’ve done an excellent job at life, because you are still alive. That means you’re a success. Sounds stupid though, right? If you’d done an excellent job you’d be a judge, a doctor, an army general. Piffle. I used to beat myself up, over and over again for everything I could have done better. Then, when I confronted the cuts to my self-esteem, the obstacles to doing anything, recognized that if I’d tried anything different they’d have stopped that too, I got it. I did a fabulous job with what I had, and it sounds like you have too. Crawl into a job with benefits, or move to a state that extends medical care to the poor, working or not. And get trauma therapy to heal yourself. Thanks to “Obamacare” mental disorders have the same priority as physical ones, at least for now.
As for your mother. Compassion says she lived as she did because of her own trauma, and did the best she could. I’m not sure if I agree, but that does not matter. She did what she did, and you don’t like it. So now you know what she has to offer you through further contact: nothing useful. Sure, in the context of “family” you could injure yourself further by getting into contact and having her treat you the same as always. Or, you could “man up” and recognize her for who she is, your relationship for what it is (not what you wish it could be), and face that she can only offer more of the same.
Learn to love yourself. Learn to nurture yourself as you wish she had done. Be the parent to yourself you always wanted. This nugget is a free peek at the lessons of years of expensive psychotherapy for my own childhood trauma. That ache of want, of need, that should have been filled years ago, can now only be filled by you as you embrace that little boy, that teen, that young adult and give him love and acceptance yourself. She cannot give it to you, that well is dry. A lover cannot give it to you. But, as you give it to yourself you will heal yourself, and in doing so build the same skills of loving that will gain you real and abiding love from others and peace. We, the flotsam and jetsam of life can right our own ships and sail them towards the sun. We may be scarred and jaded, but we can accomplish enough, and we will be wise enough to feel real gratitude and pride in our small victories. Via can Dios mi hermano.
I’d cut them ALL out. They’re all takers and AHs and they set you up for failure. NTA
>People are telling me though that I’m a horrible person, a horrible son, and a coward for wanting to cut all ties with my mom and my family.
“Take that up with the person who raised me, I guess they didn’t raise me right.”
NTA
Holy hell, man… that’s like a depressing 90s indie on steroids… Sell the rights to A24!
You are not an ass. You have had a very rough life and your Mom and family were the cause if it. Her actions speak louder then words. You never had a chance. It is very impressive you made it out alive.
Put yourself first always. It’s to late for you mother or family to come around. They all failed you and your sister. Why they did not take you in when you were a kid and give you a chance in life is beyond me.
Shame on them. Just take care of yourself day by day and try to let go of the past it will not do you any good to relive it. Putting you Mother and Family there too. They will only pull you down.
Sounds like you pulled yourself up once before. Do it again. Don’t depend on people. They can be a part of you life only if they are good. IF not cut them out and move on. There are good people out there.
Just remember no one is prefect. But they don’t have to be. Just good and honest, Trustworthy and give you respect you deserve and you need to do the same in return.
You do sounds like a very good person and I think you will go far !!! Best wishes to you.
Nta. For those who say that you are a horrible person or coward, just explain that you don’t want people who support pedos, and neglect children to give pedos money, in your life. Being a coward would be giving in and not learning your lesson from all of the times you tried…
What has she done? Is she sober? Is she willing to report the pedo and put her children first? Once again it’s all just empty promises. She doesn’t need communication with you to show that she’s changed, she needs to do it with her own actions.
If you are so important to your family, then why were they never on her back about being a deadbeat and letting her kids get physically and sexually abused? How is you deciding to remove yourself from that toxicity more horrible than letting minors/children get abused and neglected? They should be telling mother this, not the victims of her actions and decisions.
Updateme
Nta
Sometimes we must make decisions for our own mental health and well being. You’ve had a Shitty start in life. Good luck going forward young Man 🍀🍀🍀
Everybody always tell you: “But she’s your mom, you’ll be sorry someday…” Nobody asks: “What did she do to you for not wanting a relationship?”
Creative writing assignment? If not, holy hell.