My fiancé “Tim” has a 12 year old son “Jake” who i met about a year in.
Jake’s mom “Sandra” is from a country that apparently has “beef” with the country that I am from. I didn’t know this until I met Tim and told him my ethnicity, to which he said his ex “hates anyone from that country.” I’m not sure if this beef is true as my brother is married to a man from same country, and no one has ever said this to me before.
Sandra is very rude, and when we have to see her (like at Jake’s events) she has made little snide comments about people from my country and stereotypes of us. I’ve always ignored her or laughed because I noticed that laughing bothers her.
Tim has nicely asked her to stop and it doesn’t work. It’s gotten worse now, because I found out she has been telling Jake to call me slurs. I’m not sure if he knew beforehand that they were slurs (he’s a good kid so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt).
First time he said one (don’t know if I can type them here so I won’t), I thought I misheard and when I asked him to repeat himself he said something else so I thought it was an error on my part.
However, on Friday we were watching a show together and when a character of the same ethnicity as I came on screen, he said “look, you’re both ____s”. I asked why he said that but he got really quiet and ended up leaving and locked himself in his room.
When I told Tim, he talked to Jake and while they were having a conversation about where Jake heard that word and why he said it, Jake said “because mom said she is a (other slur).”
When Sandra came to pick up Jake this morning, Tim stepped away to talk to her about the slurs and I could hear her laughing loudly through the door when he brought it up. All she said was “well she is a _, _, and a __, so i didn’t say anything false.”
WIBTA if I say that I no longer want to accompany Tim to events where she will be? I’m very tired of her being like this and she clearly doesn’t care.
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My fiancé “Tim” has a 12 year old son “Jake” who i met about a year in.
Jake’s mom “Sandra” is from a country that apparently has “beef” with the country that I am from. I didn’t know this until I met Tim and told him my ethnicity, to which he said his ex “hates anyone from that country.” I’m not sure if this beef is true as my brother is married to a man from same country, and no one has ever said this to me before.
Sandra is very rude, and when we have to see her (like at Jake’s events) she has made little snide comments about people from my country and stereotypes of us. I’ve always ignored her or laughed because I noticed that laughing bothers her.
Tim has nicely asked her to stop and it doesn’t work. It’s gotten worse now, because I found out she has been telling Jake to call me slurs. I’m not sure if he knew beforehand that they were slurs (he’s a good kid so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt).
First time he said one (don’t know if I can type them here so I won’t), I thought I misheard and when I asked him to repeat himself he said something else so I thought it was an error on my part.
However, on Friday we were watching a show together and when a character of the same ethnicity as I came on screen, he said “look, you’re both ____s”. I asked why he said that but he got really quiet and ended up leaving and locked himself in his room.
When I told Tim, he talked to Jake and while they were having a conversation about where Jake heard that word and why he said it, Jake said “because mom said she is a (other slur).”
When Sandra came to pick up Jake this morning, Tim stepped away to talk to her about the slurs and I could hear her laughing loudly through the door when he brought it up. All she said was “well she is a , __, and a , so i didn’t say anything false.”
WIBTA if I say that I no longer want to accompany Tim to events where she will be? I’m very tired of her being like this and she clearly doesn’t care.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I don’t want to accompany Tim to events where Sandra will attend, due to her behavior toward me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. This is very disrespectful from Sandra. You have all the rights to avoid her.
NTA but you should fight her. Just saying.
You’re NTA, but you already know that. You and Tim need to sit down with Jake and have a serious conversation about bigotry, and using ethnic slurs that are harmful. And definitely put strict boundaries on the ex – protect your peace, if it means not being around her. I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to change her attitude, but you can help raise Jake’s awareness. He’s just a kid, and is going to end up in the middle of something awful.
NTA. If Tim doesn’t straighten her and Jake out I would end the relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Perhaps Tim should look into talking with lawyers about parental home alienation as well. She should not be teaching her kid to treat you like that.
NTA. Protect your energy and peace
Def nta for not wanting to be there, but kid is only 12 so your relationship w your partner’s son may be something you wish to value and improve. Sounds like he could use better “high road” influences and wouldn’t it be beautiful if he has a better example to choose to emulate as his personality develops.Like in most things communicating w your partner to let him hear your feelings, and better understand his may help illuminate the best path forward. I might ask “how would you feel if I didn’t come sometimes?” Maybe there are ways to attend but sit in a different section than the ex? This sounds really tricky. She sounds awful. Sorry you have to deal w that.
Does your country/area have any laws regarding hate speech?
This is such a daft post. Of course you shouldn’t interact with her. There’s nothing to think about.
Absolutely NTA, but I think Sandra shouldn’t get away with using slurs on you. Teaching them to the kid is even worse.
Check your rights regarding that and take legal action.
NTA, but if Tim doesn’t start getting more forceful about what Sandra is saying about you and telling the child to say to you, you might want to consider your relationship differently. Neither one of them is going anywhere, and if Tim isn’t willing to put a stop to it and stand up for you, it’s not going to bode well for your marriage
NTA your fiancé needs to talk to his son about doing the right thing in the face of pressure to do the opposite. The world is full of these types of people and now is as good a time as ever to learn how to deal with it and maintain your moral identity.
Other than that, that woman is unhinged and you should be careful if you’re gonna marry this guy.
Poor kid. Seems like everyone is on the same idea-train here. Right? The ex is loathsome. The kid deserves better. You and your fiance‘ can talk together about how to deal with the issue. Then, both of you can model appropriate behavior and language. AND you may (or maybe not) be seeing less of her…. whatever you and he decide.
AND, 12 isn’t 6 or 7. The kid can understand some critical things in life now. Without using HIS MOTHER as an example, teach him to treat people as individuals, not based on their race, color, religion, or ethnicity. In other words, teach him not to be prejudiced…. try not to use his mom as an example of what not to do!
Tim the father should explain to his son why his mother encouraged using slurs. He did feel bad and locked himself in his room so he just needs to see that he doesn’t have to take on the drama his mother is trying to create. Her jealousy and bitterness doesn’t need to be his.
NTA, avoid any instances where you will have to interact with her.
Seeing how Jake left the area and locked himself in his room, I assume he didn’t know they were slurs and felt ashamed and or conflicted for what he did and whom he learned it from. I would recommend having a heart to heart with him, maybe along with dad, let him know that you care for him, have no ill will toward him, and will use it as a teaching moment. I get the impression that he felt really bad that he offended you, and felt bad that he learned it from his mom, who I’m sure he cares about.
Bio mom is TA. Dad may need to get the courts involved, if it keeps up.
NTA, but as a stepmom, and as long as your fiancé has made it very clear to Jake that he isn’t allowed to disrespect you, I suggest that you continue to support him. It might not be easy to be far away from Jake’s mom at certain events, but it’s usually doable to be out of earshot. I have spent 20 years avoiding my stepson’s mom at games, school, and elsewhere pretty successfully. I’m still there for him, but she doesn’t get close enough to bother me. If, however, she goes out of her way to be rude to you, the next step IS just not going. But it’s really for fiancé to manage at this point.
What his ex is doing is considered child abuse in many parts of the world. She is teaching him prejudice and racism. You’re NTA, but frankly your partner is doing a disservice to you and his child by not putting a stop to it. If talking to her hasn’t worked it’s time to look at a court order specifically addressing her speaking to him about this, and if that’s still not enough a change to the parenting plan limiting her access.
Absolutely don’t attend events where she’ll be.
What is wrong with your fiancé? The very first time she started her nonsense he should have made sure it was that one time. Why would he tolerate that and the influence it has on his son. There are serious issues that would have made me exit the relationship long ago. I would have reported the ex to Child Protective Services. Both Jake’s parents have no credible parenting skills however she continues to do it because no one stops her. If you want to continue your future with him then you tell her if he won’t. Do not allow her to continue speaking like that. If you have to defend yourself then do so but reevaluate your relationship as well as your future husband’s parenting skills and the personality that Jake is showing.
You got with a man with a child who has a mother who hates people from your country & it’s not a personal thing to do with you, it’s also not a new thing. Your partner knew this & put you in this position bc apparently you didn’t know, right? So ask your partner why he didn’t tell you, why he got with you knowing this & why he put you in a position to be hurt like this? You’re going to marry a man who put you in a position to be his child’s mother’s object of hate without your knowledge? That’s a kink I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Yeah you can step away from being around her but the real problem is him, she’s always been like that & he would’ve known that & it’s weird he didn’t ever think to give you a heads up about it.
YWNBTA
Doing and saying things that offend and insult you seems to be an entertainment for Sandra, so staying away will make her less and less interested in doing it. When you don’t get the feedback, it is less entertaining. If talking to her won’t stop the behavior, perhaps that will be a good option.
Being a child of divorce, I will say, someone needs to explain to Jake that his mom is trying to be mean and hurt your feelings by getting him to do her dirty work. I don’t like when parents talk smack about each other to the children, but this needs to happen here. Jake needs to know that he is being used. (I will also say that at 12, he probably knows that he isn’t saying nice things – but I am not trying to blame the kid) Maybe if Jake doesn’t fall for the “call your stepmom X” and you aren’t there to react to her attempts at being hateful, she will find a new hobby.
I believe courts would look at this as abusive ? Teaching a child to hate is pretty much frowned upon by family courts – is This the road she wants to travel ? Does dad have balls to suggest that mom stop or that’s the next step ?? What if Jake’s step sibling hears this language- you gonna put up with that ? Is Dad going to allow kids to hate on each others skin ? Look forward and get it handled NOW. not going with to pick up boy isn’t the the answer , but NTA for avoiding conflict
In your shoes I would continue going. She knows it bothers you. Ignore it. Laugh in her face at her immaturity.
NTA but I’d really think about the future of this relationship. Every holiday or family get together and you can’t/won’t go. How many years do you want to play that game?
Your not the reason they broke up I’m hoping? So she should have no reason to be rude to you, this is a her problem. By staying away you let her win whatever little contest she has going with herself to drive you away from what she feels should be her place in her ex and child’s life. If you’re planning a future with this man, you need to let her know you’re not going anywhere.
I think his mom’s new nickname is Pretty Punta.
Sandra is a bigot and racist. She is teaching Jake to think people that are a different color or from a different place are not equal. Sandra is telling Jake he is entitled and should not tolerate people she sees as inferior. Her goal is to raise a bigoted racist. If Tim doesn’t think it’s a big deal, RUN! It is not healthy for you to remain in a relationship when your stepson is brainwashed to think you are inferior. It’s a life long war, not a short battle. I wish you the best!
Frankly I would say wow how to become a bad mother I would not stay quiet