Hello, i posted this in another subreddit of AITA but i want to post this here for more opinions.
I 22(f) have a brother 25(m) who has recently started dating his gf 18(f). they have officially started dating as of thursday this week so a total of 2 days and he already has arranged for her to come over the coming friday to meet my entire family. I do not want to meet her. i truely and you can call me an asshole for this think that the relationship is predatory and gross. she is 18 turned 18 at the beginning of july and in my mind not an adult in anyway. legally yes she is an adult but she’s 18 she’s not an adult mentally or emotionally so i find it beyond gross that my brother who is 25 is even romantically interested in her.
I’ve voiced my concerns to my parents and the moment only my father is in agreement with me that it’s strange, he also doesn’t want to meet the girl but has been pressured into it by my mum. I just want to know if i would be an asshole if i didn’t participate in the dinner to meet her, if i was to go i wouldn’t be rude to her i have no problems with her my problem and distain for the situation is purely because of my views towards my brother and how he has chosen to date someone that young, i know myself and i don’t personally think ill be able to not say something to my brother and i don’t want her to be uncomfortable because of my views on their ages and relationship.
So would i be an asshole for not attending or voicing my concerns to my mum so that i wouldn’t have to attend the dinner?
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Hello, i posted this in another subreddit of AITA but i want to post this here for more opinions.
I 22(f) have a brother 25(m) who has recently started dating his gf 18(f). they have officially started dating as of thursday this week so a total of 2 days and he already has arranged for her to come over the coming friday to meet my entire family. I do not want to meet her. i truely and you can call me an asshole for this think that the relationship is predatory and gross. she is 18 turned 18 at the beginning of july and in my mind not an adult in anyway. legally yes she is an adult but she’s 18 she’s not an adult mentally or emotionally so i find it beyond gross that my brother who is 25 is even romantically interested in her.
I’ve voiced my concerns to my parents and the moment only my father is in agreement with me that it’s strange, he also doesn’t want to meet the girl but has been pressured into it by my mum. I just want to know if i would be an asshole if i didn’t participate in the dinner to meet her, if i was to go i wouldn’t be rude to her i have no problems with her my problem and distain for the situation is purely because of my views towards my brother and how he has chosen to date someone that young, i know myself and i don’t personally think ill be able to not say something to my brother and i don’t want her to be uncomfortable because of my views on their ages and relationship.
So would i be an asshole for not attending or voicing my concerns to my mum so that i wouldn’t have to attend the dinner?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think an action that can be judged regarding why i would be an asshole in this situation is that i don’t think i can keep my opinion on how i feel to myself 2. because i would be calling someone a predator when i dont know everything but also its weird
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Ehhh. No you don’t have to meet her, but at the same time what’s it going to hurt? Say something to your brother about how you feel in private, don’t make a scene. That would be assholish. Also 18 is an adult, might be weird and creepy but grow up because you’ll see a lot worse.
Nta. I wouldn’t blame you for not going, that would be a weird situation. I’m the same age, (with the brother) so I can only imagine. But I agree, I find it odd too. You said you brought it up to both of your parents? Would you talk to your mom again or for the first time? Also, have you tried talking to your brother by chance? Voicing your concerns to him?
NTA. Its a weird age range, very understandable that you don’t want to meet the new gf. And it’s also weird that the mom is being supportive of this, props to your dad for seeing the weirdness too. If I were you, I’d ask the dad to try and talk to your brother because this isnt okay. Don’t know your family, but maybe he’d listen
I understand how you feel. However, 25 vs 18 is honestly not that huge of an age gap. And look— sometimes people like dating younger because they themselves are not at the same maturity level as potential partners their own age. They may feel that a younger partner is a more suitable relationship for them based on their likes, hobbies, personality, etc. It’s truly not our place to judge, especially if they are both consenting adults. My advice is to meet the girl and see for yourself how she is. Maybe she’ll surprise you by being a good and suitable partner for your brother. Or maybe you’ll hate her and share your concerns with your brother thereafter. The point is, don’t make assumptions before meeting the person. Give both your brother and his gf a chance and then form your opinion- good or bad.
Let’s assume you are correct and that the relationship is predatory (and therefore, that this young woman needs help). How on earth is refusing to meet her going to help? Wouldn’t you be in a better position to offer assistance if you at least meet her? Not to mention that if you see her and your brother interact, you might be and to recognize some of the tactics that your brother is using against her (and being able to identify the tactics is a good first step in resisting them)
And of course, there is always the chance that you are mistaken and their relationship is a match between equals. I mean, maybe you aren’t willing to give your brother the benefit of the doubt (and I have to assume that in the past, he’s given you a reason to believe that he could be a predator), but doesn’t she deserve a chance to express her views?
YTA for pre-judging the situation without all the facts, and for deciding that you should avoid a potential victim rather than helping her
NTA. valid discomfort. an 18yo just out of high school dating a 25yo can be weird. ur being self aware enough to avoid a situation where your feelings might start issues. ur not cruel to the girl, just choosing not to support something that’ll prob turn out wack anw.
YTA.
I would generally agree that a brand new 18 year old and a 25 year old are not at the same stage of life. 18 you are usually just getting your first taste of being an independent or quasi independent adult. At 25 you’ve usually been at least quasi adulting for a while (living in a dorm or apartment, even if your parents are paying for it, working and or going to school, grocery shopping, cleaning, budgeting, etc).
I know personally when I was 21 I found 26 and 28 to just be in a totally different place than me. I was finishing up undergrad and looking at grad school. And 26 was done with grad school and looking at careers. We were just different places. And I personally was a little weirded out just how different our pop culture references with only a few years ago gap.
However
There is nothing illegal about 18 to 25.
It is a 7 year age gap in a pretty developmentally dense age period but a 25 year can still be in that same life place as an 18-22 year old. Yes, they are at a point where they are starting to get left behind by their friends but they are still a couple of years off from being the creepy guy who hasn’t graduated or moved past the college stage of life yet.
You don’t know this girl to know her life story or where she is at developmentally/life experience wise. If she has been living more adult life already whether because she had to take over adulting duties at home or because her parents had the approach of treating kids more like adults and giving them closer to college age restrictions and duties while they were still in a position to legally swoop in then your brother’s new girl friend my be emotionally and maturity a few years ahead of her peers which puts 22-26 in her match dating range.
Without knowing her and her story you don’t know if 25 is a totally reasonable place for her to be dating.
Now, you know your brother to know if he is a true 25 or skews older or younger in his behavior, emotional maturity, communications, etc. but because you don’t know anything about this girl other than her age you are jumping in with a bunch of general data and ignoring that she could be on either end of the bell curve.
Question, does your brother usually move this quickly with women? If not, that could be a sign that his new girlfriend is the one in the driver’s seat.
Do I think that it’s likely things will fizzle out after not too long because your brother and his girlfriend are at opposite ends of a life stage, yes. So instead of burning bridges and making wild assumptions about someone you know nothing about (because if you take this stance and this girl ends up being the perfect match for your brother and vice versa, and they are together forever you risk never coming back from this point. You’ve called your brother a sexual predator and are actively and aggressively pushing your parents to take the same stance next you dont agree with a 7 year age gap among legal adults.) institute a rule. You don’t want to formally meet your brother’s girlfriends until they have been exclusively dating for 6 months.
Now that means anything that you are hosting or that is in celebration of you (a birthday dinner, graduation, engagement, wedding, baby shower, dinner at your house) your brother can ask but has to respect you saying no girlfriend can’t attend. Please respect the 6 month rule. However, if your parents decide to include his girlfriends of a day, two weeks, 4 months, etc in dinners, holidays, parties, etc that don’t focus solely on you, maturity dictates you don’t kick up a fit you either go and respect that the host chose to include her or you don’t attend.
And this will be a good exercise for you in practicing restraint in biting your tongue when you disagree with something but that moment is not the appropriate time or place to voice your grievances. You would be a massive asshole to say this stuff to your brother in front of his girlfriend unless you had seen something in their interactions that left you reasonably concerned for her safety.
Yes, absolutely. Grow up.
YTA 18 and 25 isn’t that weird of an age gap. It’s pretty normal.
YTA because you have already judged “the girl“ (who is a woman btw) without having met her.
NTA. I’d feel weird about a relationship like that as well. I’m 22 and I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating younger than 20. Even if it is a healthy relationship, you’re not the AH for setting boundaries and stating what you’re comfortable with. I do agree with comments that say it’s a good idea to go to the dinner if you’re up to it, and see how their dynamic looks and meet the girl. If they continue dating this will continue being an issue, so it’s not a bad idea to figure out what the situation is now. Your feelings are valid
NTA
NTA. 1. It’s been 2 days, I’ve had Kleenex longer 2. Your brother sounds like a creep and weirdo…25 is an older woman? 3. The age difference. But even if he wasn’t see #1
Honestly, my thought, too. He is way too old, for her. It evens out in about 5-6 years. I would go to dinner, as usual. Then observe their dynamic. Is she smart enough, to catch the “predatory” behavior, from your brother? You definitely can see the situation, in real time.
Nta. It is a weird and predatory age gap. If your brother says he prefers younger women then you’re right to think he’s being gross. I’d warn her and see if you can discuss this with her in a way that doesn’t make her feel judged. I truly don’t believe you’re judging her but it’s easy for someone in her position to feel bad.
I’m tired of the mindset that this is bad and it’s going to happen so we shouldn’t attempt to stop it. It doesn’t have to be a canon event in a young woman’s life to be taken advantage of.
NTA. Half your age + 7, in this case the youngest he should be dating is 25/2 =12.5 + 7 is 19.5 and that’s the absolute LOWEST. Sketch sketch sketch
YTA. Is there a reason you believe your brother is predatory ? What’s the backstory?
I was 29 when I met my wife (19)…. 22 years , 3 children, a mortgage & 6 pets later ….. we are still going strong
yta that is a really common age gap and it says more about you that you find it strange then anything else
NTA but whilst a bit of a gap, I wouldn’t immediately jump to “predatory”, they might just like each other.
I think you’re judging before meeting, which is unwise in most situations.
There are a couple of ways this could play out. If it is as you assume, then better you have a cordial relationship with the girl so you can be someone for her to talk to if your brother behaves badly. If it is not like that, and they work out in the long term, you might be setting yourself up for some tense family Christmases etc.
Or maybe it’s neither and they break up next week.
You know your brother, I don’t, is he more prone to being protective or to throwing his weight about to get his own way? That answer would heavily inform my predictions for his new relationship.