I(35F) and my husband(33M) are married. He has 3 sisters and 3 brothers. We live in the USA but both from a country in EU. His family always considers us rich because my family is a bit wealthier compared to his (not significantly on paper) and likes sharing gifts. A small background, since we got married his family almost didn’t get us anything including the wedding gift but expected from us. Their reasoning is that we have ability to buy those since we live in the USA. Well, I disagree bc we are barely getting by financially since we are paying student debts, moved to another state, my husband was unemployed for a few months, and his business got some problems which created extra financial stress. On top of that, we had a newborn. They did not send anything as a gift for our newborn. Not a single item, and what’s worse is they didn’t even bother to check. Besides these, my personal feeling is that if someone cannot bother doing something nice for me, then I don’t want to go above and beyond for them. But at the end, we ended up sending gifts or doing favors for his family with nothing in return.
Anyway, My husband’s niece(the older sister’s daughter) is getting married in 2 weeks, and today I saw my husband was texting with his youngest sister about asking some bank info. When I asked him why, he said it was to send money for his niece’s wedding. I was taken aback and snapped that they didn’t even send something for our little baby and we agreed on how bad this was. He said he doesn’t care what they do, it was his responsibility for his niece. I didn’t make it a big deal at the moment since my mom was in the room and I didn’t want her to hear our conversation.
Now, I feel betrayed. The reasons are first, he never asked for my permission since we always take financial decisions together even though it’s not a big amount. Second, we both agreed how hurt we were when they didn’t send us an even small gift for our baby. Considering that not only my close relatives but also distance relatives send us many gifts. Not all of them were expensive stuff. I am not asking something pricey at all, something heartfelt like a small toy or a nice clothes would do it for me.
We didn’t have a conversation yet but would I be AITA if I tell him I don’t agree with him for sending money for his niece’s wedding gift after we did not get anything for our wedding and baby?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I(35F) and my husband(33M) are married. He has 3 sisters and 3 brothers. We live in the USA but both from a country in EU. His family always considers us rich because my family is a bit wealthier compared to his (not significantly on paper) and likes sharing gifts. A small background, since we got married his family almost didn’t get us anything including the wedding gift but expected from us. Their reasoning is that we have ability to buy those since we live in the USA. Well, I disagree bc we are barely getting by financially since we are paying student debts, moved to another state, my husband was unemployed for a few months, and his business got some problems which created extra financial stress. On top of that, we had a newborn. They did not send anything as a gift for our newborn. Not a single item, and what’s worse is they didn’t even bother to check. Besides these, my personal feeling is that if someone cannot bother doing something nice for me, then I don’t want to go above and beyond for them. But at the end, we ended up sending gifts or doing favors for his family with nothing in return.
Anyway, My husband’s niece(the older sister’s daughter) is getting married in 2 weeks, and today I saw my husband was texting with his youngest sister about asking some bank info. When I asked him why, he said it was to send money for his niece’s wedding. I was taken aback and snapped that they didn’t even send something for our little baby and we agreed on how bad this was. He said he doesn’t care what they do, it was his responsibility for his niece. I didn’t make it a big deal at the moment since my mom was in the room and I didn’t want her to hear our conversation.
Now, I feel betrayed. The reasons are first, he never asked for my permission since we always take financial decisions together even though it’s not a big amount. Second, we both agreed how hurt we were when they didn’t send us an even small gift for our baby. Considering that not only my close relatives but also distance relatives send us many gifts. Not all of them were expensive stuff. I am not asking something pricey at all, something heartfelt like a small toy or a nice clothes would do it for me.
We didn’t have a conversation yet but would I be AITA if I tell him I don’t agree with him for sending money for his niece’s wedding gift after we did not get anything for our wedding and baby?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t agree with him sending wedding gift money, and I may sound devil for bringing it to him.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
> My husband’s niece(the older sister’s daughter) is getting married in 2 weeks
Were the two of you invited to this wedding?
> Second, we both agreed how hurt we were when they didn’t send us an even small gift for our baby.
“They?” How old is this niece? Are you mad at her or her parents?
Nta. It’s not your responsibility to fund his nieces wedding. The only responsibility he has is to his wife and child, the family you guys have created together.
INFO: Are you going to the wedding?
A little bit of AH peeked out by not wanting to send a wedding sent gift just because they did not send a newborn gift to you.
You should discuss it with him, he may have reasons for what he is doing, but he should of talked with your first if he was pulling it out of shared funds.
INFO
How big is the not big amount? If it’s $20 that’s petty. However if it’s a big enough amount you need to adjust your spending this month then that’s different.
Is the amount of money significantly more than you’d spend on wedding gifts for a family member?
Is your husband particularly close to his niece?
You say you always agree on financial decisions. Would it still be a financial decision if it was a physical item of equivalent value?
Basically, if this is solely about his family not sending a gift for your newborn you are at risk of being the AH. In my family, gifts generally flow from the older generations to younger generations, so the niece would have not been expected to send a present. So then you’d be punishing her for the actions of her family.
However if this is an unusual amount of money that you would not typically spend, then yeah it’s fine to protest.
Both of you are right
NTA You can send a card.
You and your husband obviously need to communicate and get in the same page about how to handle situations like this. But I would suggest you consider basing your gift-giving on the person you want to be, not as a reaction to other people. While you should make sure that anything you give is within your budget, it sounds like you have a lot of resentment. I would personally give my niece a wedding gift regardless of what her family had done for me. And that’s because I want to be the person who gives people wedding gifts (even if they are small). I do not want to be the person who only gives gifts if I feel like I will be given gifts in turn.
NTA. It’s not about keeping score, it’s about being respected or even regarded as part of the family. They have shown they have no regard for you, but insist on your symbolic recognition of the familial “ties that bind” through gifts. I think you have a right to be a little miffed at them, if your husband is using joint funds to send them a gift, I suggest you don’t get mad you just gently rebalnce the scales – buy something for yourself using joint funds to that $amount. You subsidise his unilateral spend, he subsidises yours.
this is hard to say without more information. If he’s sending a reasonable wedding gift, let it go. If you made a huge financial decision and is sending her thousands of dollars, then he should’ve talked that over with you.
How old is this niece?
Has she ever reached out to you or your husband just to say hi?
Were they invited to your wedding? Or at least send a congratulations card for anything?
You lost me when you used the term “permission”. Should he have had a conversation with you? Absolutely. But permission? No. He’s a grown man and doesn’t need permission. As you wouldn’t need permission from him. All that being said, it sounds like communication is an issue. Try reaching a compromise.
You are NTA for being honest about your feelings.
However, if a small cash gift that you can afford makes him happy then you should let him do it, not for their benefit but for his.
Info: how much money does he want to send? Were you invited to the wedding?
His family’s issues is not his niece’s fault
I don’t know, this one’s hard. I agree that your family (they are your family now, and your baby’s family, no more his and mine unless it’s a historical or clarifying statement) should not be depending on you to finance their lives just because you live in the states. I’ve seen that misconception a lot: That someone who makes more money than someone else “must be rich/can afford to help me” without taking in the higher cost of living. If you’re struggling financially, be honest and leave it at that.
That said, if this money is a gift from you to your niece for her wedding, I don’t see the harm, so I think YTA if you’re withholding a gift from a niece because her parents didn’t gift you anything.
Gifts are not a financial transaction.
Sure, it’s hurtful to always be the giver and never the receiver, but gifts come in many different forms. They’ve never given you money or material possessions…are they interested in Baby or your marriage outside of finances? Do they give you advice or do they want to spend time with you via Skype or anything like that?
If the ONLY interaction you have with family revolves around money, then NTA to stop giving them money. If you’re butt-hurt because you didn’t get more stuff from someone else, YTA. I encourage you to talk this over with your husband and decide if this is a gift given to a niece out of love or a bail-out to her parents out of some misplaced fiscal responsibility.
And if you don’t agree, then NAH because disagreements happen and you’ll need to come up with compromise. Disagreeing with someone does not equal being an AH.
ESH. Op seems overly transactional. The issue I would have is that I doubt the niece would ever see a dime of the monetary gift—her stingy parents would take it.
Question: will providing this gift have an impact on your family finances?
If yes, you are NTA. The priority should be your family.
If no, you are the AH. Let your husband provide the gift.
The core issue, however, is a difference in how you and your husband feel about gifts. This is something you need to work out or else this will come up over and over. You view gifts as a quid pro quo. If someone makes an effort to give you a gift, you reciprocate. Your husband seems to view a gift as something that you freely give regardless of the actions of others. This is not a right vs wrong situation. Neither view is unreasonable. The two of you just need to be on the same page as far as how to proceed. (Note that this only applies if you can afford to provide a gift. If you cannot afford to provide a gift, you cannot afford it.)
Yes, yes you will be the AH. His niece should not be punished by her parents’ action. I love my nephews and nieces like my own children.
YTA. You seem to view gift giving as transactional. It shouldn’t be. You also don’t seem to understand the concept of being the bigger person. Your husband clearly doesn’t share these perspectives. As you say, this isn’t a large amount of money. He shouldn’t need your “permission” to make a small gift to his family. Even if they don’t reciprocate. .
Dude needs a second income for that type of bullshit.
You should never expect people to treat you the way you treat them. When a gift is given it should be because you want to and not to expect in return. If your husband cares about his niece there is nothing wrong with sending a gift with an amount you both agree on.
YTA Your husband is telling you that he doesn’t want to let other people’s failures dictate how he acts and that’s pretty admirable.
Do you have a better reason to not want your husband to celebrate this young couple’s wedding with a gift other than that you’re bitter and petty because people she’s related to didn’t give you gifts?
NTA, you just had a baby and that money should be allocated to your child, not his sisters. If he decides to, make it known that it’s not coming from a joint account or your money.
YTA but only a little bit. I understand your frustration/feelings but unless the niece has also participated in the behavior, she should be allowed to be her own person. Send a small amount of money and a card. See what happens. And even if she doesn’t act grateful, you’ll still look better than them for having sent something.
HOWEVER. I would have your husband send it to his niece directly, not thru his sister bc she’s proven herself untrustworthy.