[UPDATE]
I brought this conversation up again to my husband and even brought up previous events where his parents have said no even to him directly when he asked to also take my youngest. He took a minute to think about it. While he was thinking the oldest walks in to the kitchen I guess she over heard the conversation (I thought she was playing with her brothers in the playroom) and told her dad that she too had noticed a division. She told us that last week they went to a party and because my son couldn’t go there was a lot bag still made for him. (We sent a gift with them) When they gave the oldest the lotbag and explained it was for our son the grandparents grabbed it and said “no he doesn’t need one” .. in the car ride back she questioned her grandma why my son was never invited to come out with them..too which the grandma replied “oh because we like just spending time with the two of you”… my oldest said she didn’t know how to tell her dad but it made her feel sad and she didn’t want to go out anymore with them if her brother wasn’t coming. She ended up calling down her brother (8) and asked him if what she said was true and he said “yes”… which then my husband grabbed the keys and is driving to talk to them rn. Mind you they only live 10 minutes away!..
My husband (32) and I (33) have been together for 6 years now we have two boys one is 3 and the other is 3 months. My partner was in a previous marriage (now divorced) and had 2 kids 8 & 10… In the previous years since my son has been born I’ve noticed certain things that my In-laws do with my husbands other kids then mine. I ignored it because I thought maybe because he’s young still so they can’t do certain things with him. But my husbands oldest sister has a daughter who’s 4 and she’s always tagging along with them too.
EX: last summer the kids and his niece 3 went to a theme park together with the grandparents. They never asked if my son could go.. it’s not like they make these plans last minute they have them planed weeks. Or when they take only them to the mall buy them toys, food etc.. but never take or bring anything for my son. It started to be more obvious and one day his mom said to me “I just feel real bad for them because they come from divorced parents”… but his oldest sister is ALSO divorced and her kids went through the same situation and get the same treatment as my husbands other kids.
Today, they wanted us to book our tickets to Dominican and we’re not going due to finances so they offered to take the other 2 kids..I was a little bothered by this because why not ask for my son too who’s turning 4 in May?…I brought it up to my husband and he even said that they have a little more affection towards his two oldest because of the divorce. To make another note I ALWAYS go all out for their birthday and make them feel loved and at home, they call me their second mom. So it’s not like they never get what they want either.. but this sorta pissed me off because all grandkids should be treated the same and if mine were going to be excluded then I didn’t want them around them which I told him and he got upset because he thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I told him to talk to them and ask why they don’t include our other boy but he said no..So AITA for now not wanting them around my kids until he speaks to his parents..
it isn’t so much about the trip but about how they exclude him from everything even though they take their other grandkids who’s 4 months age gap from our son.
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My husband (32) and I (33) have been together for 6 years now we have two boys one is 3 and the other is 3 months. My partner was in a previous marriage (now divorced) and had 2 kids 8 & 10… In the previous years since my son has been born I’ve noticed certain things that my In-laws do with my husbands other kids then mine. I ignored it because I thought maybe because he’s young still so they can’t do certain things with him. But my husbands oldest sister has a daughter who’s 4 and she’s always tagging along with them too.
EX: last summer the kids and his niece 3 went to a theme park together with the grandparents. They never asked if my son could go.. it’s not like they make these plans last minute they have them planed weeks. Or when they take only them to the mall buy them toys, food etc.. but never take or bring anything for my son. It started to be more obvious and one day his mom said to me “I just feel real bad for them because they come from divorced parents”… but his oldest sister is ALSO divorced and her kids went through the same situation and get the same treatment as my husbands other kids.
Today, they wanted us to book our tickets to Dominican and we’re not going due to finances so they offered to take the other 2 kids..I was a little bothered by this because why not ask for my son too who’s turning 4 in May?…I brought it up to my husband and he even said that they have a little more affection towards his two oldest because of the divorce. To make another note I ALWAYS go all out for their birthday and make them feel loved and at home, they call me their second mom. So it’s not like they never get what they want either.. but this sorta pissed me off because all grandkids should be treated the same and if mine were going to be excluded then I didn’t want them around them which I told him and he got upset because he thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I told him to talk to them and ask why they don’t include our other boy but he said no..So AITA for now not wanting them around my kids until he speaks to his parents..
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> AITA for not allowing in-laws to see their grandkids until my husband talks to them about them excluding our kids from activities, gatherings and trips.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Would you let them take the 4 year old? There’s always posts saying parents won’t let kids go, maybe they think that’s you. Maybe the kids don’t get along, maybe they can’t afford another one going. Just ask
I wouldn’t want to take anybody else’s 4 year old out of the country without their parents. Are they taking your SIL’s 4 year old without her mother?
NTA If they can’t treat all your kids (biological and bonus) the same, then they shouldn’t have access to any of them. You have a husband and in-law problem. Your husband needs to set the boundary with his parents that they need to treat all of his children the same or they won’t be seeing any of them when it’s his parenting time. I’m a stepmom as well, and it was my own mom who would treat my stepson differently. I started telling her that she was not allowed to visit when stepson was with us because I refused to let her treat him like that. Your husband needs to care for and protect all of his children, not just the ones from his previous marriage.
YTA toddlers don’t really belong at a theme park with older kids, they can’t go on most rides, walk that far and often take naps. Also, who takes a toddler not theirs out of the country? I don’t blame them at all.
Two as a couple three is a lot.
I get the feeling that there is alot more to this story. How do you treat your step kids? I definitely feel like you are prioritizing your kids.
NTA, except for the Dominican thing.
Totally NTA: Taking two 3-year olds to an amusement park, even one geared towards littles, is actually hard work. So, I wouldn’t expect them to take both your niece and your son there at the same time. I would expect them, however, to make the time to do something special with your son, to make things equitable.
Totally NTA: When it comes to gift giving, there is no reason for them to treat your kids differently than any of the other kids.
Y T A, kind of: I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask them to take your 4-yo out of the country without you, though. But again, I would expect that they would do something special with the 4-yo another time.
Do they do anything with your son? I understand there’s only a one year difference between him and his cousin but I’m not a grandparent yet and I don’t want to deal with two toddlers at a regular park, let alone a theme park. And definitely not volunteering to do it on an international trip without their parents. If it continues to bother you and your husband is not going to address it, have the conversation with the in-laws yourself. Give them so grace.
Not at all, you are protecting your children!
You have a husband problem. He allows his parents to treat half of his kids differently than the other two. Ask the in-laws what the problem really is, no B’s. There might be something you do they can’t handle or something else stupid that you should talk out. To threaten them at this point they can’t see your kids anymore is a bit early. Try to figure out what’s going on first!
Actually YTA. You know why? You’re not your stepkids mom. You have no right making decisions about who they see or don’t see just bc you feel they’re not treating your children well enough. You’d be overstepping big time.
You need to have a conversation with your MIL. Tell her your son sees the favoritism and his feelings are hurt as well as your own. It’s not up to her to spoil them because they come from divorced parents. Ask her if you and your husband split will she finally treat the kids the same? Tell her you can’t in good conscience let her bully your son like this and maybe there should be no contact to save everyone’s feelings. Yours and your sons and plus she can spoil the others all day and night
The fix for this is an application of Husband delivering a Come to Jesus with his parents. All the kids or none. The ones treated preferentially and the ones left out are hurt
NAH for wanting equal treatment for all kids, but as someone else pointed out, having multiple toddlers on one trip is a lot of work.
I had an issue once with my mom having favoritism with my girls and I finally had to point out to her that she was making my son feel like she didn’t love him. Try to talk to her about maybe having a day of just toddlers at the park, mall, etc. Tell her he cries bc he is now old enough to understand he’s being left behind, and he’s seeing his siblings being treated better than him and it could cause resentment.
I feel like going scorched earth isn’t the next reaction you want. But, you also need to be on the same page as your husband when you have the convo, maybe even his ex should say something so they don’t think it’s just you with the concerns. You’re a blended family and they need to understand and respect the new dynamics.
Be happy they don’t want your son.
Keep your son away from them
They are the type of people who would run out of a burning building while babysitting your son without your son.
You want grandparents who would stand up and protect your son
I would take a bullet and protect my grand babies with my life
No way I’d let anyone take one of my children out of the country without me. But at the same time I see your point. Its not about that actually. It’s that things aren’t even. Maybe just tell them it bothers you and something needs to change.
Are they taking their daughter’s four year old on this trip? If not, YTA. 8 and 10 are much easier than a three year old.
Also, don’t expect for your kids to be involved with every event. The kids did go through a divorce and new marriage quickly.
ESH –
You and your husband need to have an honest conversation with your in-laws about the treatment because all it’s doing is hurting feelings and creating resentment. Not just with you. The kids will get older and notice it too, and you don’t want the children to notice the disparagement in treatment. The older kids will feel like it’s ok to play victim of divorce and could damage your future relationship with them.
I say ESH because no one has had a frank discussion about it. It starts with communication and if you and your husband can’t have that talk without getting emotional or visa versa then hire a mediator like a family therapist.
Seeing your children being hurt like this is terrible. You have to protect your kids from their grandparents. And for your husband to be ok with this behavior, blows my mind. This will eventually affect the children’s relationships. The younger ones will see and feel the disconnect from the grandparents. And then jealousy will rear its ugly head.
I think it’s unfair to treat children differently. They’re all family. But since yours don’t mean as much as the first wife’s, you have to step in. I’m not sure how to fix this tho. Maybe grandparents shouldn’t come to your house. That way they won’t see the inequality. It’s just wrong.
YTA bcos at no point did you ever mention you’re worried your son feels hurt due to how he was not included in everything. Instead you’re making a huge fuss over them wanting to ‘parent’ the divorced kids
I think it’s odd to expect a four year old to travel out of the country without their parents personally. Maybe it’ll change once they’re a bit older. I can understand not wanting the responsibility of a toddler when you have two bigger, faster kids. Totally changes what you’re able to do. I also think a fair amount of grandparents start enjoying their grandkids more when they can communicate more and engage in more activities – I know my dad was like this. Even an older 4yo is vastly more capable than a 3 yo. With older kids it’s more of an outing then “childcare” if that makes sense- less to worry about, less running after them, etc…I think wait another year or so and then reevaluate. So soft YTA
>but his oldest sister is ALSO divorced and her kids went through the same situation and get the same treatment as my husbands other kids
So they’re giving special attention to ALL of their grandkids that are growing up in broken homes……
Divorce your husband, and your sons will get the same treatment you so desperately want them to have. This has absolutely nothing to do with equality or favoritism; you’re jealous that your husband’s ex and your SIL get breaks that you don’t. Why not ask YOUR parents to take your kids for a day or two? Why does it need to be on the in-laws to take most of the kids at once? Do they do things with your oldest, just him and them? If they don’t do anything with him at all, then you do have a point, but if they do things with him from time to time, this isn’t the hill to die on.
YTA. A theme park is not suitable for a sole 3yo. Going with other family members as a bonded family group is different to bringing a 3yo who does not normally socialise with that group and so needs extra attention, especially as they will not be able to go on most of the rides.
4 months at such a young age is a big difference developmentally.
Supervising a group of children is tough. Adding an extra 3yo to the number of children the grandparents were supervising could have meant they just weren’t able to look after / keep track of that many children.
Asking someone to take a barely 4yo on an extended trip without their parent would be a huge ask, even if the child knew the adults they were travelling with really well. Expecting this when your child has not got that bond is unreasonable to the grandparents and quite frankly cruel to your son, who is likely to be highly distressed at being away from his parents, in a strange environment, with people he barely knows, just so you can feel that you have been treated equally for the holiday.
I think you need to take a step back, stop treating this as a competition over whose grandchild gets the most attention, and concentrate on building a positive relationship with your in laws, and finding occasions to invite them over to spend time with you and your sons.
Invite them to join you and your husband for coffee at a play park. Invite them to the pre school play.
YTA, but you can turn this around by acknowledging your jealousy of the established family bonds that you see, and working to create your own through invitation and conversation, not food stomping demands.
ESH. You do need to talk but possibly need a deep breath. I’m not sure if you have thought of the logistics of your expectations. If your in laws don’t have a people mover they cannot easily take your 3 year old with the 10,8&4 year old.
You need to start with your husband and brain storm some constructive ideas. Your 3 yr old swapped out for 4yr old some trips? It sounds they may feel that if we’re taking grandkids from “son” out for a treat our granddaughter from “daughter” needs to come too. Are they giving their daughter a break if she is a solo mother and the 4yr does not go to dads, or like your step kids this is when they can see her? Also an 8 or 10 may not want to hang with two toddlers as they don’t have same interests or restrictions, like being squished in between 2 car seats or if it is even possible if they have a booster.
Looking after a 3 year and 4 year old at the same time is a completely different energy drain than 8,10&4. It also sounds like they are making sure they see 8&10 and continue the relationship when they are with your husband not ex-DIL. To be honest 4 and 3 can be a long way apart, my oldest at 3 would sit and draw my youngest at 3 would be running , climbing things far to high for them so required different supervision, how do your son and niece compare?
I’m putting ESH as I don’t know how much effort they make during the week to connect to your son when older kids are not around.