I (19F) am due with my first baby any day now. The father (20M) and I were never officially together. We casually dated (about three dates), met each other’s families, and shared feelings like “I love you.” He told me he didn’t want me dating other guys, so I assumed we were moving toward exclusivity. Then he suddenly said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we should cut contact.
We conceived our son on our last date, though I didn’t know I was pregnant until weeks later. When I told him, he immediately said I should get an abortion and even offered to pay. I chose to keep the baby.
Throughout my pregnancy, he’s been mostly absent and unsupportive. He only came to one ultrasound, contributed minimally (a handful of baby things), and vaped around me in enclosed spaces even though he knew it wasn’t safe. He often dismissed me as “dramatic” and got verbally aggressive when I asked him to be more involved. Meanwhile, he still made plenty of time for his friends and (as I just found out) started a new relationship two months ago.
I’ll be honest: I feel robbed of my first pregnancy experience. I wanted him to be present, and I gave him many opportunities to be part of it. But most of the time, if he was physically there, it was only for an hour or two, and the emotional support was nonexistent. Hearing that he can show up for another girl but not for me or our son was my breaking point.
Because of all this, I’ve decided:
• He won’t be in the delivery room (I need peace and support, not stress).
• I won’t be putting him on the birth certificate at first.
• I don’t plan on telling him the baby is born until two weeks later. I want that time to bond and adjust to my new life with my son before adding the stress of co-parenting discussions.
This isn’t about excluding him forever. I do plan on inviting him to meet our son, just after I’ve had that short adjustment period. But I feel strongly about needing those first two weeks to recover, bond, and settle into motherhood without pressure.
So, AITA for excluding him from the birth, the certificate, and waiting two weeks before telling him?
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I (19F) am due with my first baby any day now. The father (20M) and I were never officially together. We casually dated (about three dates), met each other’s families, and shared feelings like “I love you.” He told me he didn’t want me dating other guys, so I assumed we were moving toward exclusivity. Then he suddenly said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we should cut contact.
We conceived our son on our last date, though I didn’t know I was pregnant until weeks later. When I told him, he immediately said I should get an abortion and even offered to pay. I chose to keep the baby.
Throughout my pregnancy, he’s been mostly absent and unsupportive. He only came to one ultrasound, contributed minimally (a handful of baby things), and vaped around me in enclosed spaces even though he knew it wasn’t safe. He often dismissed me as “dramatic” and got verbally aggressive when I asked him to be more involved. Meanwhile, he still made plenty of time for his friends and (as I just found out) started a new relationship two months ago.
I’ll be honest: I feel robbed of my first pregnancy experience. I wanted him to be present, and I gave him many opportunities to be part of it. But most of the time, if he was physically there, it was only for an hour or two, and the emotional support was nonexistent. Hearing that he can show up for another girl but not for me or our son was my breaking point.
Because of all this, I’ve decided:
• He won’t be in the delivery room (I need peace and support, not stress).
• I won’t be putting him on the birth certificate at first.
• I don’t plan on telling him the baby is born until two weeks later. I want that time to bond and adjust to my new life with my son before adding the stress of co-parenting discussions.
This isn’t about excluding him forever. I do plan on inviting him to meet our son, just after I’ve had that short adjustment period. But I feel strongly about needing those first two weeks to recover, bond, and settle into motherhood without pressure.
So, AITA for excluding him from the birth, the certificate, and waiting two weeks before telling him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel that I might be perceived as the asshole because I’m contemplating between not listing him on our unborn child’s birth certificate and am planning to tell him our child has been born 2 weeks after birth. I know he’s still our child’s father, even if he hasn’t been supportive but by not putting him on the birth certificate and delaying telling him about the birth, it could look like I’m deliberately trying to shut him out or punish him for how he treated me during pregnancy. Waiting two weeks before he even knows his child is born could be seen as unfair, since those are important early days for bonding. Some might think I’m letting my personal hurt influence decisions that will affect my son’s relationship with his dad in the long run.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re definitely NTA OP for wanting to be alone in the delivery room. I think you should lawyer up OP and be prepared to establish custody rights for you and for him first as soon as the baby is born, and then go from there.
NTA about not wanting him in the delivery room. Check with a lawyer about the other two. You wouldn’t want those decisions to blow back on you, especially since it sounds largely like they were made because he has a girlfriend. Also, you’ll need to learn to love your child more that you hate your child’s other parent.
NTA. I would personally tell him when the baby is born though BUT to be fair, if he cared at all, he would know when your due date is and would start asking around that time.
Sounds like he’d be happy to not be involved at all. I’m so sorry. Do you have a good support system?
YTA only for not telling him when the baby is born. How would you feel if you missed the first 2 weeks of your child’s life?
YTA you’re not thinking about your future child, who will go through life with a blank space where their father should be on their birth certificate. The other stuff doesn’t matter, but this IS NOT YOUR DOCUMENT. It is your child’s identification and you should at the very least be honest with it.
My brother in law has “unknown” as his father and his mother refuses to tell him even though she knows exactly who it is. It is the reason he has no contact with her even though she’s a lovely lady. He can’t get past her blocking that information from him. Don’t mess with ID docs, it becomes more important than you know later in life.
I feel like your expectations have been out of sync with reality. He’s behaved badly, sure. But he asked you to get an abortion and doesn’t want this baby. So in what world would he then show up, provide comfort and physical support etc. financial yes, but I’m not sure why you expected more?
Anyway, you most likely won’t be punishing him as he doesn’t appear to care. You don’t have to tell him, I’d just do it for yourself and not to get a reaction
YTA, but to yourself. You’re whining about him ruining your pregnacy experience. You did that to yourself by getting pregnant by a stranger (or someone that you weren’t even in a relationship with). He doesn’t need to be in the room but you should let him know when the baby is born.
NTA but definitely talk with a lawyer about the birth certificate and not telling him about the pregnancy. Not adding him to the birth certificate could cause complications later on, but I’m not a lawyer so I can’t say for sure.
You also need to mentally prepare yourself for him not being a part of the baby’s life at all. It sounds like you think he’ll want to be, but based on how he’s responded to the pregnancy so far, it doesn’t sound like he’s all that invested. Prepare for that hurt now so you can be strong for the baby. Also prepare for his new gf to wanna get play stepmom if he does want to be active in the baby’s life. The best thing you can do for yourself and the baby right now is start therapy and continue it postpartum
Honestly? NTA, It sounds like you’d be doing him a favor. He didn’t want a relationship with you, didn’t want a baby with you, you went through with it anyway (and weirdly feel “robbed” because he didn’t show up the way you wanted?? This man who broke up with you and asked you to get an abortion????), and it sounds like he’s going through the motions out of obligation rather than want. You sound incredibly selfish regarding your expectations of him. I’d be getting legal advice regarding custody and having an honest discussion with him; how much does the father WANT to be involved? Because if the answer is “not at all”, problem solved.
YTA., you dated only 3 times, had sex once, he told you he wanted to split and you decided to continue with the pregnancy? What is wrong with you? Totally selfish decision.
You’re now excluding him from a decision that he had zero part in. I agree he shouldn’t be in the delivery room but he deserves to know when the child is born especially as he’ll now be liable for child support!
NTA, but you say he’s robbed you of your first pregnancy experience… When you literally did the same to him… Just saying. Tad hypocritical. He didn’t want any of this, remember.
But he clearly doesn’t want this kid, so you’re not being unreasonable by doing all of that. In fact I doubt he’d care even if you told him. After all if he’s not on the birth certificate, he’s not the dad, therefore won’t pay child support. He’ll probably be happy given his attitude.
NTA but I am a bit confused about your expectations. You mentioned he told you he loved you within 3 days, then broke up with you and cut contact immediately after having sex. After finding out about the baby he (unsurprisingly) wanted you to get an abortion. Why after all that were you expecting him to be a present, loving, and supportive partner? Honestly, based on his track record of dirtbag behavior, I’m surprised he hasn’t disappeared completely.
NTA for the question, but you’re not innocent in this entire situation. You’re incredibly naive for thinking that he would be involved for a baby he didn’t want you to keep, and throwing out “you feel robbed” of your first pregnancy experience. News flash, maybe you should have a baby with someone who will actually be a partner to you and not some rando you had three dates with (and who days I love you after three dates?). You need to grow up fast, because you’re going to have to start making better decisions in your life for the sake of your child.
You also have to think about your child.
Why depry it of a father?
YTA for wanting to not add him to the birth certificate or letting him meet his child for two weeks. For better or worse you two share a child and will be connected pretty much for the rest of your lives.
As the woman, you get to dedicate all decisions regarding pregnancy and birth as it’s your body and your medical experiences. So NTA for not having him in the delivery room but the moment the baby is born you and the father are equals and keeping him away is petty.
NTA
As the pregnant person, you get to make the decisions about the delivery room. Even if you were married or in a long-term relationship with the father of the baby, you still get to decide, and you can decide that the father doesn’t come in the delivery room. That’s completely your decision.
It’s also your decision about telling the purported father of the birth. Until his name is on the birth certificate, he is not the legal father and has no obligations to you, nor do you have any obligations to him.
Until he’s the legal father, all the decisions about that child are yours.
I would encourage you to seek child support for your child. He can take a DNA test and get his name put on the birth certificate, and he can even ask the court to have the child carry his last name. That’s going to be up to a judge to decide if the purported father wants one last name and you want a different last name.
I would encourage you to look at the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines when you’re coming up with child custody agreements. Indiana sucks in a lot of ways, but they do have very well-defined parent time guidelines.
YTA. Why on Earth are you surprised that this man isn’t being involved? He made it pretty clear from the beginning that you two are not in a relationship of any kind, doesn’t want to be a father, and doesn’t want any part in his child’s life.
You need to cut him loose because you’re only going to hurt yourself by continuously expecting him to be there for you and your son. He doesn’t want to be a parent and you’re only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.