AITA
My husband “J”, 26, and I, 30, have been married for 3 years (we have no children). In general, we get along very well, we are a stable couple, we both work, we support each other and my family loves him, we live in my country, I also get along well with most of his family but we have not been able to visit them lately.
Context:
Our worst arguments and fights have only one reason (his brother “A”) who is his only relative who also lives in my country.
I have always expressed my annoyance towards my brother-in-law (since he tried to surpass me at the beginning of my relationship with J) when I told J, my brother-in-law denied it and even lied saying that I was with him first before J (something impossible, so J believed me and asked his brother to stay away from me and ignore me just as I ignore him).
But that’s not all “A” is one of those people who only looks out for himself and doesn’t care about hurting or taking advantage of everyone, he is drunk and irresponsible. Sometimes I even think he envies J.
In all these years, “A” has stolen from us, scammed us, lied to us, and abused our trust. But still “J” is capable of anything for “A”.
Whenever “A” has the slightest problem, my husband is the one who solves everything for him financially, physically, everything.
This has made me feel many times that my husband prefers his brother over me.
The straw that broke the camel’s back came when my husband did not come home because he went drinking with “A” and after the fight that this generated, we agreed to cut off financial aid and frequent outings for my brother-in-law.
Now, “A” writes to “J” every day saying that he cannot pay for the hotel, that he can only afford to eat bread and yogurt, that he is hungry or that he cannot buy diapers for his son or pay him alimony.
For my part, I asked “J” not to continue resolving him and to respect our agreement. Although I am very concerned about the situation of my husband’s nephew, I refuse to continue helping my brother-in-law so that he can take responsibility.
Am I the bad one?
Comments
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AITA
My husband “J”, 26, and I, 30, have been married for 3 years (we have no children). In general, we get along very well, we are a stable couple, we both work, we support each other and my family loves him, we live in my country, I also get along well with most of his family but we have not been able to visit them lately.
Context:
Our worst arguments and fights have only one reason (his brother “A”) who is his only relative who also lives in my country.
I have always expressed my annoyance towards my brother-in-law (since he tried to surpass me at the beginning of my relationship with J) when I told J, my brother-in-law denied it and even lied saying that I was with him first before J (something impossible, so J believed me and asked his brother to stay away from me and ignore me just as I ignore him).
But that’s not all “A” is one of those people who only looks out for himself and doesn’t care about hurting or taking advantage of everyone, he is drunk and irresponsible. Sometimes I even think he envies J.
In all these years, “A” has stolen from us, scammed us, lied to us, and abused our trust. But still “J” is capable of anything for “A”.
Whenever “A” has the slightest problem, my husband is the one who solves everything for him financially, physically, everything.
This has made me feel many times that my husband prefers his brother over me.
The straw that broke the camel’s back came when my husband did not come home because he went drinking with “A” and after the fight that this generated, we agreed to cut off financial aid and frequent outings for my brother-in-law.
Now, “A” writes to “J” every day saying that he cannot pay for the hotel, that he can only afford to eat bread and yogurt, that he is hungry or that he cannot buy diapers for his son or pay him alimony.
For my part, I asked “J” not to continue resolving him and to respect our agreement. Although I am very concerned about the situation of my husband’s nephew, I refuse to continue helping my brother-in-law so that he can take responsibility.
Am I the bad one?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Soy la mala por querer que mi esposo respete nuestros acuerdos aún cuando eso significa no ayudar a su hermano “que no tiene para comer” ?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
NTA I hope you haven’t combined your finances.
NTA.
“A” is going to keep taking advantage of “J” until the flow of free time and money is cut off, and “J” isn’t going to do that of his own accord. “J” clearly needs an outside perspective to show him that “A” is behaving in ways that are neither normal nor acceptable.
NTA. Your husband needs to understand that his brother is using him, and will continue to do so, until BIL is forced to become the responsible person he should have been all along.
Are you guys in contact with the baby’s mom? Is she actually hard up? You could send groceries and baby things (formula, food, diapers) right to her.
If your husband can’t handle the guilt, make it things like food and necessities not cash.
Also split your finances if you work as well.
NTA
Nta
NTA el hermano es adulto. El hermano tiene la responsibilidad no solo de ganarse la vida sino también de pagársela.
Question: Does A have a job?
YTA. You really think that your HUSBAND prefers his brother to you? They’re completely different relationships. They have been family a lot longer than anyone has known you, and will continue to be brothers forever. You don’t have to like him or the situation but you don’t get to put restrictions down on what he does for his family. The same way that he doesn’t get to say anything about your relationship with your family. He will get to the point where he needs to cut his brother off but HE gets to decide when that is.
NTA, leave. The situation will never change. You husband continues to put brother a head of you. Neither will change so walk away.
NTA, your husband is by putting his brother first before you and your children… you need to get your husband to understand that it’s either you or him. Move in the shadows for your plan to leave…
NTA, You don’t have a brother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Your husband is choosing is brother over you I think that it’s time both of you sit down with a therapist and have a open and honest discussion about your expectations and the reality of your situation.
If you are not able to have A in your life with you and your husband being the cash cow then it’s best to get a divorce and move on.
“A”
Three keystrokes.
Al, AJ, Asa, Abe, Ace, Ali, Axl, Avi, Ari, Art
“J”
Three keystrokes.
Jay, Jed, Jem, Jim, Jai, Job, Joe, Jax
really not hard.
NTA, J is starting to break a cycle of abuse and manipulation. A had shown no remorse or change in behavior. A is counting on the fact he can manipulate you and your husband and fleece resources and responses from you. Leave A to stand in the remnants of lies and deceit. Leave him to his conscious and consequences and to solving his situation (s).
An alcoholic will only stop, if they have reached rock bottom. A will never as long as hubby keeps protecting him. Let him fall on his ass, get homeless, figure his own shit out. The only thing J is doing right now is enabling, and that’s helping no one.
NTA, stand firm, keep creating boundaries.
The brother needs to grow up and get a real job. Right now he is a leech.