Hi all, you’re probably reading this and thinking wtf, allow me to add context to this.
I (33m) am married to my wife (31f) and we live a bit away from family. Lately there’s been a discussion about my SIL coming to visit. Now, the problem is not with my SIL but her partner who is… overbearing is a kind word for this.
SIL (35F) is with an older man (50s), they’re together two years and he’s gotten extremely nasty to her, obsessive even. SIL’s partner, we’ll call him Randy, is obsessively controlling, constantly watching her every move and notion and is also very creepy.
To give a rather messed up situation, he constantly texted and called the night SIL lost her grandpa, even calling my wife that night in the midst of the tragedy. Randy has also been putting a wedge and rifts between her friends and SIL’s, even fueling negative perspectives of people.
Randy is even paranoid and weird when SIL visits family, goes for a walk and is now policing her 6 year old son (not his bio kid), who is now talking back to Randy out of defense. Randy paints a tough guy image but is incredibly insecure about SIL speaking to other men, and people in general.
I told my wife today I would be actively objecting to them visiting, because:
A – I don’t want that drama or overbearing behaviour in our household.
B – Randy is incredibly critical and c*nty about things, giving unwanted opinions and criticism of everything (it runs deeper than you think)
C – Randy is creepy with comments, he makes overly sexual jokes and oversteps. I plain and simply don’t want that in my Wife and I’s home.
I have told my wife I am willing to fully shoulder that objection of a visit including Randy, and if there’s any backlash, I will deal with it.
IMPORTANT NOTE
I have no issue with SIL or her 6 year old son coming as a pair, my nephew is an incredibly sweet boy and I hate that he’s even caught in that situation. I don’t think it would be fair or a decent family visit with Randy in-tow because of aforementioned reasons.
AITA?
Comments
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Hi all, you’re probably reading this and thinking wtf, allow me to add context to this.
I (33m) am married to my wife (31m) and we live a bit away from family. Lately there’s been a discussion about my SIL coming to visit. Now, the problem is not with my SIL but her partner who is… overbearing is a kind word for this.
SIL (35F) is with an older man (50s), they’re together two years and he’s gotten extremely nasty to her, obsessive even. SIL’s partner, we’ll call him Randy, is obsessively controlling, constantly watching her every move and notion and is also very creepy.
To give a rather messed up situation, he constantly texted and called the night SIL lost her grandpa, even calling my wife that night in the midst of the tragedy. Randy has also been putting a wedge and rifts between her friends and SIL’s, even fueling negative perspectives of people.
Randy is even paranoid and weird when SIL visits family, goes for a walk and is now policing her 6 year old son (not his bio kid), who is now talking back to Randy out of defense. Randy paints a tough guy image but is incredibly insecure about SIL speaking to other men, and people in general.
I told my wife today I would be actively objecting to them visiting, because:
A – I don’t want that drama or overbearing behaviour in our household.
B – Randy is incredibly critical and c*nty about things, giving unwanted opinions and criticism of everything (it runs deeper than you think)
C – Randy is creepy with comments, he makes overly sexual jokes and oversteps. I plain and simply don’t want that in my Wife and I’s home.
I have told my wife I am willing to fully shoulder that objection of a visit including Randy, and if there’s any backlash, I will deal with it.
IMPORTANT NOTE
I have no issue with SIL or her 6 year old son coming as a pair, my nephew is an incredibly sweet boy and I hate that he’s even caught in that situation. I don’t think it would be fair or a decent family visit with Randy in-tow because of aforementioned reasons.
AITA?
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> Denying a visit
Judging someone’s actions as a means to stop them visiting or crossing boundaries
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Are you willing to lay down these rules with SIL and Randy yourself, or are you expecting your wife to do that for you?
NTA but be aware this is part of what Randy wants – to make a wedge between your wife and her sister. He’s abusive, and isolation is part of the abuse.
Could you stand a visit if they stayed at a hotel? Is there anything you can do to support the link to your SIL / nephew without having to have Randy in your house? If you do ban Randy, make sure you’re very clear to SIL that she and nephew are welcome, and that you miss them. Randy will be telling her that you don’t care, don’t like her, and she should drop you.
Also, talk to your wife and tell her that you think Randy is abusing SIL. Maybe read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft together. You can’t pull your SIL out, she has to do that herself, but you can tell her that what he’s doing is wrong, not normal, and she deserves better. Took three years for a friend of mine to get out, but she did it eventually, and she says that my regular “I love you, but he’s an abusive asshole” did help.
YTA Sounds like your wife (31M) wants to see his sister. Are you not being controlling telling your wife he can’t see his family? It should be his decision not you’re. How would you feel if he didn’t allow you to see your siblings? Isolating your SIL won’t do her any favours. Be a man. Let this Randy creep come over and if he steps out of line put a stop to it. Challenge him to a duel or something like that.
NTA. This is a healthy boundary for healthy reasons. If SIL and child want to visit, and Randy is gonna tag along, they can stay in a hotel, and visit with your family away from your house. Don’t let him perpetuate isolating her from her family.
ESH.
He is suckier, obviously, but you aren’t helping anyone, let alone your SIL, by barring him from family time.
You need to have real conversation with him, or your relationship will suffer potentially irreparable damage. She will choose him over you and the divide will grow.
You may also need to take a backseat and listed to what your partner wants to do since it is not your sister.
Your home is a SACRED space, its really amazing that you are sensitive as to who you let into your space. Do what you feel is right