I (32F) currently live with my husband (37M) in a two floor house in the suburbs that is big enough for both of us and also to house lots of guests if needed.
Seven years ago, when I was 25, I lost my one and only soulmate; my bestfriend. She was my world and my rock and everything made sense around her. I could talk about her all day but that would take too long to write down and I would probably break down in tears anyway;)
After she passed away due to a horrible freak accident, I fell into a depression that led to me drinking away my feelings. This completely altered my life for the worse, I lost my apartment, my friends, my family and my life. I had absolutely no one and my parents were so ashamed of me that they refused to let me live with them. And my sister? She claimed she was living in an apartment that was way too small and that she couldn’t house me. I ended up being hopeless and desperate for a long long time.
Six years and a million AA meetings later, I am now fully sober with a kid on the way:) I never kept contact with my family after what happened, instead I focused on myself and met the love of my life.
Fast forward to a month ago, my sister found my new number via an old friend and contacted me asking if she could stay at my house for awhile. She had lost her job and had been through a tough divorce and lost her house aswell (she had apparently sold the house my parents bought her to live with her partner and later lost the house due to the divorce). Obviously I refused, reminding her of how she treated me in the past.
Last week, my parents& my sister somehow found my address and came to my house demanding to let my sister stay here.
My sister defended her past actions by revealing that she found out she was pregnant after my bestfriend passed away but never wanted to tell me due to the fact that I was grieving. She also didn’t want me to stay at her place because she was scared that I would somehow push her into also being an alcoholic and harm her kid. She said that her situation is different now because she already has kids, that her ex-husband has custody of, and that she wants to get her life together and needs my help. After a long discussion things were getting heated and I had to call the police. I am now thinking of filing a restraining order against them but my husband is telling me to “let my rage go” and help my family. I honestly don’t know what to do, I already feel super stressed whilst pregnant and have hormones jumping out of my ears, so that may also be the reason for me being extra angry. I need someones opinion on this situation who doesn’t know me, and I’m hoping for some advice!!
PS: sorry for the super long post, and I also apologise for my english- I am not a native speaker!
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I (32F) currently live with my husband (37M) in a two floor house in the suburbs that is big enough for both of us and also to house lots of guests if needed.
Seven years ago, when I was 25, I lost my one and only soulmate; my bestfriend. She was my world and my rock and everything made sense around her. I could talk about her all day but that would take too long to write down and I would probably break down in tears anyway;)
After she passed away due to a horrible freak accident, I fell into a depression that led to me drinking away my feelings. This completely altered my life for the worse, I lost my apartment, my friends, my family and my life. I had absolutely no one and my parents were so ashamed of me that they refused to let me live with them. And my sister? She claimed she was living in an apartment that was way too small and that she couldn’t house me. I ended up being hopeless and desperate for a long long time.
Six years and a million AA meetings later, I am now fully sober with a kid on the way:) I never kept contact with my family after what happened, instead I focused on myself and met the love of my life.
Fast forward to a month ago, my sister found my new number via an old friend and contacted me asking if she could stay at my house for awhile. She had lost her job and had been through a tough divorce and lost her house aswell (she had apparently sold the house my parents bought her to live with her partner and later lost the house due to the divorce). Obviously I refused, reminding her of how she treated me in the past.
Last week, my parents& my sister somehow found my address and came to my house demanding to let my sister stay here.
My sister defended her past actions by revealing that she found out she was pregnant after my bestfriend passed away but never wanted to tell me due to the fact that I was grieving. She also didn’t want me to stay at her place because she was scared that I would somehow push her into also being an alcoholic and harm her kid. She said that her situation is different now because she already has kids, that her ex-husband has custody of, and that she wants to get her life together and needs my help. After a long discussion things were getting heated and I had to call the police. I am now thinking of filing a restraining order against them but my husband is telling me to “let my rage go” and help my family. I honestly don’t know what to do, I already feel super stressed whilst pregnant and have hormones jumping out of my ears, so that may also be the reason for me being extra angry. I need someones opinion on this situation who doesn’t know me, and I’m hoping for some advice!!
PS: sorry for the super long post, and I also apologise for my english- I am not a native speaker!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I didn’t house my sister now that she needs my help.
2: I have to keep my past rage aside and help my family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, let your parents take her in, and why isn’t your husband backing you 100%
Why isn’t your sister moving in with your parents?
NTA – you have a lot of your plate getting ready to welcome your newest family member and there’s no way I would want a guest underfoot while trying to get through the early days of motherhood. Anyone who would deny you a room when you were so down and out most probably isn’t going to step up and be helpful while you are recovering from childbirth. Your sister would be a hinderance, not a help.
NTA. Having someone live with you, who has been no contact with you for years is bonkers.
Remember, ‘No.’ is a complete sentence. You don’t need excuses or reasons. You don’t want her there. That’s enough reason. And if your parents and sister harrass you, you get a restraining order.
NTA your parents gave her a home that she mismanaged
You have a baby on the way and need the stability of a safe and comfortable home. Why can’t she stay with your parents ?
NTA
Trust your instincts. If a year from now you will be upset that you allowed your sister – who is clearly *still* irresponsible, blames others for her poor choices and thinks that you owe her – to worm her way back into your life, then don’t do it. Will you be able to handle her if she turns into a lazy do-nothing who forces you to support her while you are a new parent? What happens if you let her in now, but she refuses to leave (which is all but assured)? Could you deal with the legal requirements of getting her out?
Parents’ views are irrelevant; they didn’t help you, and they aren’t helping her.
Gently, husband came onto the scene after the storm, so he doesn’t know how bad this could get.
Bottom line: if your beloved friend were here, whose advice you valued and who knew the parties, what would she say?
Girl, HELL NO. They left you at your worst. Im sorry. im done being the bigger person. At 48, it’s gotten me nowhere, but heart aches and regrets. Don’t do the sane. Stand your ground.
NTA. Explain to your husband:
You and your sister do not have a good relationship (despite the circumstances above).
Allowing her and her kids in your home will bring drama and misery.
Your sobriety cannot take the strain.
You do not want the toxicity around your marriage and child.
Why, if your parents are available, does she and they insist that she has to move in with you and your husband? That is suspicious as heck. Why does her ex have full custody? Is she someone you really want around your husband? No is no, and she needs to go live with the parents. Husband needs to get with the program too and back you up
NTA – File the restraining order is they won’t stop. Their choices have consequences.
NTA.
“No” is a complete sentence. Use it repeatedly. Protect your peace. Just say no.
NTA let your parents take her in. You are pregnant and don’t need the stress or the financial strain this will create.
Tell your husband if he lets them into your house YOU will leave and he can care for them but you will not have them in your space ever again. Nta
Your sister lost her job and house. These days that is not a red flag. But losing custody of your children as a mother is a big red flag. I don’t believe that happens a lot does it? You definitely don’t owe her anything. She should live with your parents.
Your family haven’t given a damn about you for over 6 years.
You owe them nothing.
If your sister needs a home then she can get a job and rent one just like everyone else does. She’s already lost custody of her kids to her ex husband. That speaks volumes as to the train wreck that is her life right now.
You really do not need to add this level of stress to your life. Concentrate on your pregnancy, prepare a home for your baby and keep your peace.
Best of luck for the future.
Your sister at this point is a stranger to you. Why would you want a stranger in your home while you are pregnant?
You’re absolutely in the right. Your parents can take care of your sister.
NTA your husband is being an ass. Those folks cut you off long ago, and only reached out to ask for housing. They didn’t reach out to rebuild with you. You only have value now because you have something they want.
Seriously though, by Reddit’s standards, considering what a dick your husband is being, if she moves on he’ll end up screwing her. He already thinks you’re being unreasonable, she’s got a sad story, and he seems to have a hero complex. Because what man is putting his pregnant wife through this? Don’t do it.
Also, if you haven’t been in a while, be sure to hit up a meeting. Just to ensure you stay in the right headspace, particularly considering the lack of support from your husband. Being homeless is traumatic, and this confrontation is probably bringing up old hurts on top of the new drama.
Updateme
NTA
Your husband does not know what it was like to deal with your family.
He looks at it from a different perspective and could never imagine his family turning their backs on him but yours did.
He must realize not everyone has a happy childhood and picture perfect family.
How does he even justify their cruelty towards you?
These people are strangers for a very good reason and he should be wary of them.
Your husband should want to protect his newly created family, which is you and the unborn child, against these strangers.
The stress and aggravation is no good for the baby. You do not need anything to disrupt your life or interfere with the safe delivery of your child.
File the restraining order.
Your family had no regard for you or your health during a dark period of your life. They abandoned you when you needed them.
They do not get to demand anything from you today and nothing excuses any of their past behavior.
The have only offered excuses now because they want to use you.
They did not give you any apology or make amends, just stalked and hunted you down to make demands in their favor.
If you had been living in a small apt and struggling or even a shelter, you would have never, ever heard from them again because in their eyes, you would have been useless.
You know who they really are and can act on that knowledge with no regrets.
Protect your peace.
NTA – you have your sobriety and your baby to focus on. If you want to mend the fences that is okay, but not with her in your home. You let her in, you may not get her out. BTW – mom and dad can take her in. They probably do not want to deal with her mess either.
Talk to husband and tell him how you feel and if you think this could affect you. Be open with him.
Fuuuuuuuck that! Your husband is so so wrong. NTA
They can pound sand. It’s funny that bUt FaMiLy only matters when you can give them something, never when you need help.
Absolutely do NOT give in on this. People need to get the same energy they put into relationships back.
NTA
Your husband is wrong. Absolutely wrong. He probably comes from a loving family and people that do have no idea and cannot imagine the cruelty that bad families can impart.
Get the restraining order, and make sure your husband understands they are not good people.