My partners mother has shown a bit of a pattern in getting overly involved in our sons parenting.
Im a new father, he’s 18 months, so maybe im not aware of the norm.
I recently found out she’d decided to arrange and take him to his first swimming lessons, possibly arranged with my partner. I only found out as it was talked about in front of me.
Would I be the arsehole for cancelling this arrangement? Then myself and partner would do the lessons. Im tired of her getting involved in parental things and frankly don’t care if I offend anymore.
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My partners mother has shown a bit of a pattern in getting overly involved in our sons parenting.
Im a new father, he’s 18 months, so maybe im not aware of the norm.
I recently found out she’d decided to arrange and take him to his first swimming lessons, possibly arranged with my partner. I only found out as it was talked about in front of me.
Would I be the arsehole for cancelling this arrangement? Im tired of her getting involved in parental things and frankly don’t care if I offend anymore.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be overreacting to the situation, in which case, im being rude to someone who’s being helpful
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA if you did it without talking about it with your wife.
You are entirely correct in wanting to be involved and sounds like your wife and MIL might be forgetting the kid has two parents, not a mom and mom’s helper. But talk about that first and then cancel the swimming lessons only if you don’t want swimming lessons for some reason, not as retaliation.
Swim lessons are expensive. You should be glad she’s paying for it and getting your kid acclimated to water safety. YTA.
INFO, setting up swimming lesson is something that is needed. I would not expect partner to discuss with you that any more if they get bananas or peas for lunch. I don’t see the overstep here.
I am leaning towards YTA, as it looks from post that it just was A grandma volunteering to take the child to swim lessons.
IMHO, 18 months is a little late to start teaching them to swim.
NTA. People shouldn’t arrange and decide things for other people’s kids without at least asking them. However, possibly your partner is involved, why haven’t you asked?
NTA. Talk to your partner about this and make it clear that these decisions are for the two of you to make.
Well, if your first thought on this is to go behind their backs and cancel the lessons to upset them, I understand why they don’t involve you. YTA
I mean, you write that you didn’t even discuss it with your partner as you say that possibly they arranged it together but you don’t even know about it, so 1. Why you just don’t ask your partner what is the plan? and 2. Is your problem that they arranged it or that they didn’t ask you for permission?
NTA
If you don’t allow this, you will be keeping your son from getting swimming lessons, something every kid should get. Don’t let your feelings about being left out of the loop stop him from learning how to swim.
Once you’ve determined to your satisfaction that the swimming lessons will be heavily monitored by the instructors, and that your child will be safe in the water, you should allow him to participate.
Going forward, however, you would certainly be within your rights to make sure your partner knows how you feel and that you won’t take being left out of such plans well. It’s important for both parents to be involved in any activities their kids get into. It’s definitely rude of both your partner and your MIL to leave you out like this.
edit: changed judgement after OP replied
YWBTA.
You have a partner! This is something you need to discuss with your partner. It’s really odd that you’re talking like your partner doesn’t exist. Maybe your partner told the mother to take your son to the lessons! Good grief.
You need to:
– Acknowledge your partner exists.
– Discuss this situation with your partner.
– Agree on whether your son will take swimming lessons.
– Figure out who will take him.
– If you have a job and your partner is also busy, be very grateful that a grandparent is willing to step up.
If someone I knew told me their partner had taken it upon himself to cancel their child’s activity (and especially one like swimming that’s about safety) with no discussion, I would see major red flags. That would be controlling and pointlessly destructive. Do not do it. Learn how to communicate with your partner. You have a child and this is something you need to be able to do.
INFO: Are you willing to enroll your child and pay for official lessons yourself? if not, Y T A.
My grandparents took it upon themselves to enroll me in lessons as a child. It saved my life as a youth with parents who’s idea of “lessons” was to toss you off a boat and hope like hell you don’t drown.
YTA. If only for the reason you are asking on reddit before even talking to your partner.
This is an issue to take up with your partner. If MIL had your partner’s okay to do this and you cancelled it, that would be pointless and rude. If your partner is planning stuff without letting you know then it’s fine to tell partner you want to be in the loop.
NTA your partner’s mom is overstepping. She has no right to make these types of decisions for your child. All these comments about take the free lessons just give the grandmother carte blanche to do whatever they want with your child. It’s a bad precedent to set
If you’re ever willing to sacrifice something very beneficial for your child to stick it to someone…you’re wrong. She’s paying for it…and are YOU available to take child to swimming lessons? If not and your expectation is your wife does it…but she’s not allowed to work out an arrangement with her own mother…then you’re a total asshole.
Create boundaries with mom by talking about it, not throwing a tantrum. Don’t make your kid miss out because of your ego.
YTA. This sounds very controlling. Why do you care?
It’s not overstepping if it was discussed and agreed with your partner – that’s a communication issue between the two of you.
INFO: The pattern matters here, both in terms of what grandma has been doing that you see as overly involved, and what you do as a father.
From what you’ve said this could be a case of an interfering grandparent where you need firm boundaries. It could also be a case of an under-involved father where mum and grandma just decide things because you’re no help. Or it could be any scenario in between.
Swimming from an early age is extremely advantageous. Swimming becomes instinctive rather than a learnt skill.
You should be grateful that your MIL is arranging this. As a father look for opportunities that are for the good of your child rather than any vague feelings of resentment. Having said that, your wife should have consulted with you before MIL actually signed up; you don’t even know if your wife knew so you and your partner have a communication problem to fix first. For the most part I’d say be gracious and pick your battle for those that actually matter. In this instance you should tell wife and MIL that you appreciate them taking the time to organise lessons but you need to be consulted prior to any commitments being made. Unless in extremis, decisions affecting children should be Yes-yes type where both parents agree. Establish this boundary rather than argue about lessons,
When your child has a water incident will you still be so adamant that she is not involved ? Be thankful she can be
A lot of parents wish for this and can’t have it for various reasons you very lucky
Grow a pair and accept that this is what grandparents want to do
No nta. You are his parent and firsts are to be done by parents unless they both agree it’s okay.
Nip it in the bud now. My brother had a controlling/interfering mil, he’s now going through an acrimonious separation/divorce where mil is pulling his exes strings/winding her up and making things worse.
You need to talk to your wife asap, because how she responds tells you all you need to know about how your relationship is going to play out!
You don’t care if you offend your partner’s mother.
You object to your son’s grandmother taking him to safety lessons at the pool.
You’re asking reddit rather than your son’s mother where communication was missed.
You want to find a way to cancel this arrangement, rather than reaching out to your son’s family and discussing it calmly.
This arrangement is swimming lessons. You want to cancel your son’s swimming lessons.
YTA