My daughter is in third grade and a Apostolic Christian, just like my late mother-in-law. She had the longest hair in her grade, and we always keep it neatly braided or in a bun. About a couple weeks ago, a boy in her class took scissors and snipped off one of her braids. He even tried to go for the other one before a teacher stopped him. Our family was devastated and heart heart broken after seeing my daughters non stop crying. She did not want to willingly cut the other braid after but as a family we decided to cut the other side to restore symmetry.
This week when the boy came back to school, my daughter decided to humiliate the boy and pantsed him.
She’s said that the other girls cheered her on and told her he deserves it. Now, his family is upset and wants an apology. Mind you, we waited two full weeks while he was suspended to hear an apology from his family.
My daughter hasn’t gotten one from them for cutting her hair, and the school hasn’t really done anything meaningful about it besides suspend him.
I know my daughter humiliated the boy and his dignity.
We know what she did was wrong and she also knows it’s wrong. I told her to never do that to anyone again.
I don’t believe we owe them an apology since they didn’t not bother doing the same to us. My daughter has been suspended just like him but she was only suspended for 3 days vs him for two weeks.
Would I be the asshole if I didn’t make my daughter apologize to the boy and his family or apologize for my daughter actions myself?
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My daughter is in third grade and a Apostolic Christian, just like my late mother-in-law. She had the longest hair in her grade, and we always keep it neatly braided or in a bun. About a couple weeks ago, a boy in her class took scissors and snipped off one of her braids. He even tried to go for the other one before a teacher stopped him. Our family was devastated and heart heart broken after seeing my daughters non stop crying. She did not want to willingly cut the other braid after but as a family we decided to cut the other side to restore symmetry.
This week when the boy came back to school, my daughter decided to humiliate the boy and pantsed him.
She’s said that the other girls cheered her on and told her he deserves it. Now, his family is upset and wants an apology. Mind you, we waited two full weeks while he was suspended to hear an apology from his family.
My daughter hasn’t gotten one from them for cutting her hair, and the school hasn’t really done anything meaningful about it besides suspend him.
I know my daughter humiliated the boy and his dignity.
We know what she did was wrong and she also knows it’s wrong. I told her to never do that to anyone again.
I don’t believe we owe them an apology since they didn’t not bother doing the same to us. My daughter has been suspended just like him but she was only suspended for 3 days vs him for two weeks.
Would I be the asshole if I didn’t make my daughter apologize to the boy and his family or apologize for my daughter actions myself?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the asshole because I do not want to apologize or feel like my daughter owes the boy and his family and apology. We are still very hurt and my daughter felt targeted because of our religion and we don’t feel like we owe anyone anything in this situation given the fact that we didn’t receive and apology either
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but I’m not sure what you mean by you made the decision as a family to cut the rest of her hair? That’s not really a family decision, but it’s her hair and her decision. Just seems kind of insensitive for a child who is already upset about half of it getting cut off
He deserved it! Good for her. She stuck up for herself! Do not apologize. He had worse than that coming.
I once accidentally pantsed myself in 3rd grade during a school Christmas play in front of a massive audience. I got over it quickly. Your daughter never would have pantsed the boy without cause, and a child being forced to apologize will not teach them to feel empathy for others or inspire them to make proper amends. He has now learned that bullying actions have consequences for him and he will get over it, but he is less likely to cut off the braids of another girl in the future. NTA.
Nta he earned it
I would not force your daughter to make an insincere apology. It’s one thing to offer a pro forma apology in a low stakes situation where you might or might not have been in the wrong. Doing it in a serious case like this just sends a bad message about lying, in my opinion; and also it sounds like your daughter has suffered enough trauma without the added weight of being pushed to do something like this.
Just make sure she knows that trying to mete out justice on her own can have heavy costs, and that she shouldn’t do it lightly.
NTA. They’re lucky that’s all that happened to him.
I would not make her apologize, and I would have called the police and my lawyer about the hair cutting – that kid is walking trouble. Why has the school done nothing . I would still call the police and lawyer- that kid assaulted your daughter, and if nothing else he needs a bit of scared straight and to learn not to touch other people, sounds like the parents need a good scare too. I’m sorry for your daughter .
This question may not be relevant, but why is your daughter an Apostolic Christian like your late mother-in-law and not an Apostolic Christian like you/your wife (not sure of your gender)? Are you not an Apostolic Christian? And forgive me if I’m missing something, but why was her religion relevant to the rest of this post, regardless of who she has that faith in common with?
NTA.
He assaulted her. Though I think pantsing someone is also considered assault. This is a highly messed up situation especially for third grade
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I think what happened to your daughter is horrible. I used to have long hair and having it forcefully cut off would have been devastating. But pantsing someone as revenge is really not acceptable, and your daughter should be made to understand that, three days suspension is getting off way too easy. I think they both should have recieved at LEAST equal punishment. As for apologizing, teaching your daughter that two wrongs make a right and harassing people in public is okay as revenge isn’t the way to go. If we hurt someone intentionally, we should be made to apologize regardless of wether it was in response to something they did or not.
NTA … I think she’s a hero, but a girl in my grade did this when I was in fourth grade—about twenty years ago—and the school treated it as sexual harassment/assault. So I would apologize just to sort of head that off before the parents get really irate and vindictive.
NTA, the boy’s mom should have taught him not to be an asshole. He wanted to humiliate your daughter and it apparently never occurred to him that the tables could be turned.
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NTA but u already knew that didnt u
You should sue them.
Cutting another person’s hair without consent isn’t considered assault where you are?!
How sharp are the scissors they’re giving 3rd graders these days? My kids were still using the ones with the rounded edges, I think. Maybe they’re onto the pointy ones by then but even those barely cut through construction paper.
Like, fabric shears wouldn’t even slice through a braid in one go. Or did your daughter not notice him chopping and sawing away at it?
NTA
What that boy did was way worse. And the way the other girls reacted indicates that he was probably harassing the other girls as well. It is important for girls to stand up for themselves and to stand up to bullying. And why should she be forced to apologize while he is not?
“Your groin gremlin came at my child with sharp objects while my daughter came at him with her bare hands. We can escalate this to the police and they can decide which was more deadly.’
Maybe going against the grain but I think ESH. Yes the boy started it but pantsing someone is worse than cutting off someone’s hair, especially if it’s in front of other kids. I hope the little boy was wearing underwear
NTA
Forced aloplogies are lies. If she’s not actually sorry, there’s no point in apologizing. And in this case, my only apology would be that I was sorry it wasn’t something that would take years to grow back properly.
NTA, he got what he deserved in spades, bet he won’t be a little shit like that again either. Sorry that this happened to your daughter as well. If that boy was my kid the suspension would have been the least of his worries.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Sometimes, it feels good though.
Yes, she shouldn’t have done it. But the kids can pull up his pants. Your daughter can not just stick her hair back on. Plus, the parents of the boy don’t seem to be that sorry. I’d be beyond mortified if my child had cut a person’s hair. I bet that boy doesn’t care or even is sorry that he did it. It shows a lot when his family didn’t try and contact you.
As for the school, they’re ‘lucky’ that the boy didn’t use those scissors to poke someone’s eye out. The lawsuit would be massive. For you and your daughter, this is a deeper issue than just looking pretty. Her hair was linked to her faith. That little thug destroyed it and got two weeks off of school for it. I don’t know if the school took action behind the scenes. It happened under their supervision. How do you know it won’t happen again?
I hope that boy learnt a lesson and good that your daughter stood up for herself.
NTA
He can pull his pants up. She can’t put her hair back on.
Hopefully she taught the little bully a lesson.
ESH. Both kids are definitely in the wrong and both are technically illegal, one more than the other. The parents definitely should’ve apologized on behalf of their son but you should also have your daughter apologize for what she did.
NTA and i applaud your daughter. similar situation happened to me when i was a kid and i also humiliated the boy back. he stopped harassing me from then on lmao. hopefully he learns his lesson 🤷♀️
NTA. The kid was a bully and he got what was coming to him from one of his peers.
Since he wasn’t forced to apologize to her, she shouldn’t be forced to apologize to him. If anything, she should be praised for standing up for herself (and for other kids this boy may have bullied) against not just the bully, but also an unfair system structured to silence victims of bullying.
I wouldn’t encourage the behavior, but hard to be upset with her. She took her power back is how I look at it. And hopefully the boy learned to be more respectful. I kinda doubt being suspended at that age had much effect.
NTA
But I will ask you what lesson you are teaching your daughter. She, as well as the family first hand experienced the devastation of this 8 year old boy’s actions. Knowing the embarrassment, your daughter turned around and did the same thing to him.
The bigger issue is why your daughter was accosted with scissors no less. Apologies are whatever but these actions (hair cutting and your daughter reactively attacking the boy and pulling is clothes down) happening in a class room should be a serious concern.
NTA say you will meet for the apology then demand one from their son for attacking your daughter with scissors. Pull a Queen of the Dragons on them.
I understand why your daughter is upset about her hair being cut. But imo ‘pantsing’ someone is also incredibly bad. In some areas that would be considered sexual assault or at least assault. I think in some situations no one is above consequences. It seems like both the boy who cut your daughter’s hair, and your daughter have received consequences for their actions (both suspended). If you think what happened warrants further action, then you would need to have that conversation with the staff at the school. I understand why your daughter wanted to ‘get back’ at the boy. What happened is obviously distressing. I still think you should have a conversation with your daughter about what course of action she has when distressing situations occur, and what actions are not ok. Focus more on solutions so that if she experiences a situation in the future where someone crosses her boundaries and/or touches her body, she knows who she should reach out to for support, and what she can do about it. This is a difficult situation all around, but I don’t think your daughter’s behaviour should be dismissed either. Her response, while understandable, was not appropriate. You don’t want your daughter to think that causing distress to someone is an appropriate response to someone causing her distress. I think the school should implement a plan to manage the boy’s behaviour though. He definitively should not have had access to scissors without supervision long enough to cut someone’s hair.
Hair often has a lot of meaning to an individual, whether that be personally or spiritually, and what that boy did is assault. Anyone who says it’s just hair doesn’t know the time and care that goes into growing it long. He’s a bully.
The school was right to suspend him but that doesn’t mean he learnt his lesson as bullies usually don’t stop until someone stand up to them.
Third grade me would have made him bleed so i applaud your daughter’s restraint at just pantsing him. The fact that he tattled proves he can dish it out but can’t take it.
Don’t apologise. Buy her a treat.
I don’t think either of you are a-holes but I would make her apologize because even though it’s justified it was still embarrassing for him and she DID do something wrong and that would still be something I would want to teach. I would just tell them she will if he does.
Third grade. Is he mentally deficient? Why would he cut someone’s hair? I would talk to the police I believe this is assault
NTA, I mean it was wrong what she did BUT she can’t have her hair back while he can obviously pull his pants up.
For me cutting her hair was literally assaulting her, there’s a difference in pulling down clothing and cutting someone’s hair.
I would feel mortified is my child cut not a piece of hair BUT A WHOLE BRAID from another kid, how can his parents not apologize for their son doing something like that is beyond me and they are in third grade, no little kindergarteners, he knew what he was doing was wrong.
Gotta ask how this sub would feel if a girl cut a boy’s hair and he pulled up her dress in return…
ESH
Both of the parents need to communicate because this situation is out of control.
Cutting someone’s hair without consent is assault.
Your daughter pull down a boys pants without consent is sexual assault.
Neither is justified nor “deserved”. They should be in separate classrooms with little contact.
This exact thing happened to me in the 6th grade and I got suspended. Nothing happened to him
NTA and tbh I don’t even think what she did was wrong. Idc what teachers say, just ignoring bullies or telling on them doesn’t stop them in fact it just makes them more mad. The only thing that even has a chance to stop a bully is giving them a taste of their own medicine and that’s exactly what she did.
Gonna go with YTA for making up a story. Have you ever tried to cut a braid? Apparently not. Scissors won’t do the trick quickly. So, unless this 3rd grade boy whipped out a very sharp knife, this story didn’t happen.
I don’t know how to explain it, I get yeah kindness is everything whatever. But passing someone down is the least violent you can go. You cut off one of my braids either. I’m cutting your hair off or, we fight in.
NTA and don’t make her apologize. If she wants to do it for herself, then sure. It seems like she understands that what she did was wrong, but also did it anyway and you know what, good for her. She’s stood up to that bully and that’s all that matters. Fuck his dignity and little feelings, he shouldn’t have been such a donkey in the first place.
Fuck around, find out, as they say.
ESH
Cutting someone’s hair without their permission is assault and pulling someone’s pants down is sexual assault.
If you make her apologize and she is not actually sorry, you are only teaching her to lie.
“If you push for a apology we will seek assult charges on your son for cutting our daughters hair.”
No you wouldn’t, fuck that family. Sounds like none of them understand the word accountability
Yta but not for not asking your daughter to apologize. You’re an aashole for sending mixed messages to your daughter. You say you know it was wrong. If that’s true, she needs to apologize. You apologize when you do something that is wrong. I think the kid deserved it for his actions, if that’s true, no apology is necessary. The problem is hypocrisy is confusing to children and makes your opinions much less meaningful in the future. Figure out if you think it was wrong or right and act accordingly.
As a Christian you really should have taught your daughter that two wrongs don’t make a right, assaulting someone doesn’t make up for them assaulting you, what the boy did was worse by far but you should have involved police not let it go so it would fester leading to your daughter seeking revenge. Neither child is being taught right from wrong in this scenario.
Oh goodness. Both are terrible. Is there a school counsellor?
What he did was really ignorant. However what she did is horrible- where in the world did she get an idea to do that?
If she wants to apologize, have her do it.
Don’t expect one from him. However, it is your job to teach your child about retribution and how it never pays off.
Nah, good on her for getting some payback in the right way. She probably feels good about it and the boy learnt a valuable lesson I’m sure
I’m on your side. The boy needed to learn a lesson and your daughter delivered. They both committed assaults but he started it! NTA but keep an eye on that kid. He’s got problems.
The school suspended the boy for 2 weeks. For an 8 year old, that is a significant consequence.
I’m not going to say who is or is not an AH, but I’m curious about why, 2 weeks later, your 8 year old daughter took revenge.
I don’t dispute what happened to her was traumatic on many levels.
But a severe consequence was issued by the school.
What were you expecting?
Sawing through a braid with school scissors is definitely a noticable event to the one who has the braids, and it’s a scissors near the head and face. That’s not a few seconds. Grabbing a pair of pants is a quick move with bare hands and not near eyes with a sharp tool. It takes time to grow back hair, a few seconds to pull up pants again. The levels of possible damage of scissors versus hands are very different.
NTA
Take your girl out for ice cream cuz she did a good thing.
Brought this up to my own parents, my dad says if you can, threaten to press charges for assault. He came at her with scissors, cut off a part of her body and went for the other one. How were you to know he would stop there. The boy and his parents need to learn there are consequences for their actions.
NTA. Obviously pantsing him wasn’t ideal but he cut her hair!!! You know this boy is a little monster! Well behaved “nice” kids don’t just wake up one morning and randomly decide to do a terrible thing to another child, something as awful as chopping off a chunk of her hair. Other stuff has been happening. Obviously he’s managed not to have to face any consequences from his peers thus far.
Sometimes the only thing people understand is “hey don’t do bad stuff to others because they might retaliate.” Your daughter taught him a valuable life lesson. Hell she probably did his future self a favor. 🤷🏻♀️
Bravo on your kid. That’s it. She chose a nonviolent option. She showed the other kid that she is not, and will not be, a passive victim.
All signs point to the boy’s parents failing to do their duty; it will fall to the village to get this boy to respect others. Your kid is part of that village. Pray that he starts showing restraint from here on. For his sake, as well as the sake of others.
I think this answer can be found in your religious beliefs. What does your dogma tell you? I thought there was something about judgment being left to God, turning the other cheek, love your neighbor as yourself, let him who is without sin cast the first stone . I don’t recall braid cutting or pantsing but vanity is mentioned somewhere in the Bible.
I’m not of your faith. If this happened to my child I would have been concerned that losing a braid caused so much anguish. Why did the length of a braid have value? Why does humiliating a boy by removing his pants in public seem acceptable? What character traits have I taught my child to value? Vanity and revenge? Why did she think her beauty/value was tied to the braid?
LOL doesn’t sound like you’re raising a real Christian there. Just because that kid and his family suck doesn’t mean you should.
NTA
If they had apologised on their son’s behalf, or better still, had him apologise directly, then they ~might~ have an argument demanding a reciprocation of that.
But only might. Their brat was the instigator, and their lack of concern over it shows either ignorance or indifference.
NTA
But… hair regrows and trousers can be pulled back up. They’re kids, and kids do stuff.
Where’s the learning in all of this? Where’s the reticence? Reparation? Restoration
How very un-Christian 🤷🏻♂️