When I (17m) was 9 my mom died from cancer. Six months after mom died my dad met Laura and they moved in together and got married 7 months later. My dad forgot about me in all of this. Before Laura he was depressed all the time and almost never left the couch. Then once he “got out there” and met her he focused on marrying her superfast. It made me resentful because I felt like he didn’t care about me, just himself. It took him and Laura telling me she was pregnant and me storming out of the house when I was 11 for him to start questioning stuff. He followed me all the way to my uncle’s house and asked me why I stormed off and wasn’t excited. I ranted at him and took out all my frustration on him in the walk back to the house.
He promised he’d do better but then his focus was on Laura and the new baby and Laura was about ready to give birth when he told me he hated me pulling away and not being excited and said he’d do anything to fix our relationship. So I told him he needed to give me time where he didn’t talk about Laura or the baby r cancel because of one of them. I said he needed to prove he meant what he said. I told him one time wasn’t enough either.
Our first two were days weren’t great and he answered several calls from Laura. The third time I told him it was his last chance and he ignored a couple of calls before reading a text from her that she was gone into labor. He asked if his third chance would be up if he went to the hospital and I said yes. So he stayed for a while but then he said I’d need to forgive him at some point and he left me with my grandparents and uncle and got to the hospital but Laura had given birth by then.
Laura hated me for it. I didn’t get over it like dad expected me to and I saw that our relationship would never be the same and that he wasn’t the same person as he was before mom died. I know losing someone you love does that. I changed when mom got sick and when she died too. But my dad turned into someone so different. He stopped reading the room and just acted so naive or even dumb. Like when all he would talk about was Laura and the baby and even when I never engaged he still wouldn’t ask if I was okay. And after missing the birth and what I/we had talked about about him bailing on me, he acted like everything was fine. He kept trying to make me hold the baby and would ask me why I wasn’t excited and talked about the baby but never addressed the fact I said if he left I wouldn’t forgive him and he left early anyway.
He also acted like he had no idea why Laura was so angry at me and why she refused to interact with me after that. He’d say we were a family and that I was the best big brother. He told her he was the happiest he had ever been and he never loved anyone more than her or my half brother. I was standing right there when he said it and when I stormed off he played dumb about why that would be.
I distanced myself more while Laura wanted me around even less. Then at the end of last year she told dad to send me to live somewhere else and dad decided we all needed therapy. We started in March and only dad talked for months. The therapist would ask me and Laura questions but we didn’t answer. She broke first and a month ago she talked about her issues and how angry she was that I had made dad choose between saving his relationship with me and being there for her and my half brother when my half brother was born. She said at some point she had hoped and expected me to be remorseful but I never was and I was the reason dad missed the birth. The therapist asked why she’d blame me instead of dad and she said because I manipulated dad to ignore them because I was hurt he’d moved on.
It took me a couple more weeks to say anything but when the therapist asked me if I would ever apologize for what happened I said no and when she asked why I said because I didn’t feel bad about it. I said that day just showed me that nothing was going to change and dad wasn’t the parent I knew before mom died. And that I didn’t feel bad that he missed the birth. That he was the one who decided when we spent time together. I was just the one who said he couldn’t cancel on me a bunch because he was always acting like Laura and the baby were the only two who mattered. Laura told me at 11 I should have known babies need more time and that becoming a parent is exciting and that dad needed to be there more than he needed to fix things with me.
When I refused to apologize she said she did not want me living with her or her kids because she doesn’t want them becoming like me or picking on my hatred for her and dad and my indifference to them. She said I’m almost an adult and should feel guilty and apologize but clearly I’m without a conscience. My dad sat through all of those discussions over two weeks and still acted naive and dumb.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. You’re a kid, he’s the adult, this is entirely on him.
NTA in the slightest. I’ve not talked to my bio dad in 23 years now for a similar scenario (I am lucky to still have my mother). Eventually he and the step-mom divorced (4 years ago) and he was all about trying to spend time and repair the relationship. To this day I’m not sure if he wanted to repair our relationship or if he just wanted to meet his grandchildren for the first time (14 and 11). At least my aunt and grandma are amazing, even if he’s a piece of crap.
Im a but conflicted.
On one part I do believe OP that you were wrong for insisting that your fathers stay with you when you knew he received that sms saying his wife has gone into labor and that you put an ultimatum right there and then forcing him to chose between missing the kids birth or saving your relationship.
Not because it was wrong per say , I totally get where the ultimatum came from , but because the moment was not well chosen.
BUT and I insist on that BUT , it’s actually his own doing because of his poor choices and constant prioritizing everything but you , If he had a been a good and present father before he wouldn’t have been stuck in the position he was having to chose between being there for the birth or salvage his relationship with his first born.
You were an angry and grieving kid who missed his mom ( and dad ) and had to watch him
give everything he wouldn’t even bother giving you , to his shiny new family .
I fully understand your anger and see myself so much in your story, remind me of my own father . Your father completely ditched your for his new family and decided that getting his dick wet , having company and welcoming a brand new baby was more important than you , the child that was there first and who went through so much stuff already.
You were a kid who had lost his mom and in a way lost your dad too.
Your dad got better after your moms death , but only to move on from you and put you , aside while he was building a brand new family and couldn’t prioritize you and make time for your but find the time to knock your stepmom up and be there constantly for her as well being already super involved ( more than he was with you ) for a child that wasn’t even born yet.
Im not even gotta waste my time talking about his wife , typical case of a woman ( or man ) who get with a person with a past and kid , thinking the kid will magically go away at some point once they marry the partner with a child already .
Your father payed the consequence of his poor choices by never putting your first and always choosing a woman who also clearly expressed not wanting you around .
So for ll this I chose NTA .
You’re Dad messed up and doesn’t know how yo fix it (newsflash he cant) you were a tiny AH for the whole day of the birth thing, but you were also s child feeling alone and let’s be honest neglected.
Laura, needs to accept that you were a child too. I get she’s angry but holding on to it is only hurting everything. Don’t give your Dad an ultimatum but do make it clear that if he goes along with her plan then there is 0 chance of fixing the issue.
Make laura aware that had she not been so overbearing the 1st two times you wouldn’t gave reacted the way you did. She needs to take equal blame with both you & your Dad.
NTA but its time to choose yourself. if there’s a relative that will take you in please just move in with them. don’t discuss it with your sperm donor…just pack and say you’re moving with xyz relative. your dad abandoned you over and over since your mom died. its time to move forward without this farce of a relationship
and stop attending family therapy. its not doing anything
NTA – Laura is a selfish, immature asshole to hold a grudge against a child. She’s a shitty person and I’m sorry your dad didn’t protect you better.
Poor kid. You didn’t get to grieve your mom.
NTA kid but is there a chance to live with your maternal grandparents to get out of that toxic household? Your dad is a dick hoping that sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming lalalala will somehow magically fix the dumpster fire of a marriage.
Personally I think your nta. You were so young when your mother passed away and if your grown ass father couldn’t even handle his emotions and didn’t know how to grieve how was a child supposed to especially with no support and with a father who moved on so quickly. You don’t owe anyone an apology. If I was you I would move in with other family members and start therapy to help you work through everything and honestly I would cut contact until/if you are ever ready.
You shouldn’t have to apologize for your dad being a parent to you, no matter what else was going on at the time. You are never going to win this contest that his wife has set up between her and you. And your dad is the AH for not expressing to her that he needs to be there for both his children.
ESH. Your dad sucks as a parent and you suck but telling him he couldn’t go to the birth. He was the adult and should have left anyway.
NTA. Find somewhere else to live and block these losers.
See if you can move in with your uncle or your grandparents. If you have to, sue for emancipation.
Once you’re out, NC with your dad. He’s not worth your mental energy.
NTA. Your father and his wife are adults. You’re a kid. Yeah, you were kind of a brat but that was a culmination of things your father should have taken care of years ago.
I’m sorry the adults in your life failed this much.