I am a 20-year-old woman navigating a challenging living situation with my father (whom I refer to as J), his wife (B), my partner, and my siblings. J has been largely absent in my life, both emotionally and in terms of parenting, leaving my upbringing to my grandparents, who are now in their 70s.
Since B entered the picture a few years ago, I have noticed a significant shift in J’s behavior and the family dynamics. They recently purchased a house with my grandparents living in an in-law suite, and immediately imposed a chore chart, expecting me and my siblings to clean the entire house. This feels deeply unfair to me, considering J has never taken on a parenting role before now.
My relationship with B has been particularly strained. She has made negative comments about my work ethic, calling me lazy and accusing me of not contributing enough around the house. B refuses to engage with me, claiming that I trigger her with the way I talk and dress. This ongoing tension has been exacerbated by her critical attitude toward my partner, who is a closeted transgender woman and has struggled to find work recently.
A recent incident highlighted these issues when B picked me up from work. I was supposed to leave at 11:00 PM but was delayed for about 10-15 minutes. B expressed her annoyance at having to wait, leading to a heated exchange between us. I tried to explain that waiting is a common occurrence in my job, but B insisted that I should have communicated my delay.
The conversation took a snarky turn when B made a comment suggesting that my perspective on waiting was only valid when I was the one waiting. I responded harshly, emphasizing that I am the one working hard and that her expectations are unreasonable. B then suggested that I could take an Uber if I was unhappy with the situation, which felt dismissive to me.
Things escalated further when J dropped off my charger at work and publicly demanded that I apologize to B, stating, “No ifs, ands, or buts about it.” I firmly refused, explaining that I would not apologize to someone who has repeatedly disrespected me. J responded by saying that I would have to find my own way home if I wouldn’t apologize.
Feeling unsupported and frustrated, I declared in our group chat that I would arrange my own transportation from now on. B’s reply of “Ok” felt indifferent and dismissive.
Now, I am left questioning whether my refusal to apologize to B, given the ongoing disrespect I have faced from her, makes me the “asshole” in this situation. I believe I am justified in standing up for myself against what I perceive as continual disrespect, especially considering my partner’s struggles and the lack of support from my family.
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I am a 20-year-old woman navigating a challenging living situation with my father (whom I refer to as J), his wife (B), my partner, and my siblings. J has been largely absent in my life, both emotionally and in terms of parenting, leaving my upbringing to my grandparents, who are now in their 70s.
Since B entered the picture a few years ago, I have noticed a significant shift in J’s behavior and the family dynamics. They recently purchased a house with my grandparents living in an in-law suite, and immediately imposed a chore chart, expecting me and my siblings to clean the entire house. This feels deeply unfair to me, considering J has never taken on a parenting role before now.
My relationship with B has been particularly strained. She has made negative comments about my work ethic, calling me lazy and accusing me of not contributing enough around the house. B refuses to engage with me, claiming that I trigger her with the way I talk and dress. This ongoing tension has been exacerbated by her critical attitude toward my partner, who is a closeted transgender woman and has struggled to find work recently.
A recent incident highlighted these issues when B picked me up from work. I was supposed to leave at 11:00 PM but was delayed for about 10-15 minutes. B expressed her annoyance at having to wait, leading to a heated exchange between us. I tried to explain that waiting is a common occurrence in my job, but B insisted that I should have communicated my delay.
The conversation took a snarky turn when B made a comment suggesting that my perspective on waiting was only valid when I was the one waiting. I responded harshly, emphasizing that I am the one working hard and that her expectations are unreasonable. B then suggested that I could take an Uber if I was unhappy with the situation, which felt dismissive to me.
Things escalated further when J picked me up at work and publicly demanded that I apologize to B, stating, “No ifs, ands, or buts about it.” I firmly refused, explaining that I would not apologize to someone who has repeatedly disrespected me. J responded by saying that I would have to find my own way home if I wouldn’t apologize.
Feeling unsupported and frustrated, I declared in our group chat that I would arrange my own transportation from now on. B’s reply of “Ok” felt indifferent and dismissive.
Now, I am left questioning whether my refusal to apologize to B, given the ongoing disrespect I have faced from her, makes me the “asshole” in this situation. I believe I am justified in standing up for myself against what I perceive as continual disrespect, especially considering my partner’s struggles and the lack of support from my family.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i believe i could have been more respectful in the way i talked to both my dad and his wife but im not sure.
2. my words can be blunt at times but i dont always mean for them to come off that way, im stuck in a bad spot with my family because of it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Can only judge on the situation you have described, don’t know how B has disrespected before but in this case YTA. It is common courtesy to let someone picking you up know you will be late. Your excuse that waiting is normal with the job is pathetic. Get your own car so people don’t have to be up at 11pm to pick you up
I suggest growing up and moving out.
You are 20. You are an adult living under their roof.
They dont have to chauffeur you around. Especially at 11pm at night. You should be grateful for ny help you get while they are putting a roof over your head.
INFO Why are living with them and getting rides to and from work?
NTA. Is there any reason you’re living with people who don’t respect you?
YTA
When read by the outside observer, your attitude is incredibly entitled. These people do not owe you a place to live, a place for your romantic partner to live, a ride to work, and charger delivery at your place of employment.
You need to apologize. A lot.
A lot of the information is unnecessary.
If you weren’t in a position to send a text about your delay and that 10-15 min really isn’t a lot to you, but B is inflexible, your solution of not depending on B for rides home is the correct one here.
However, you and B generally are not compatible housemates and your expectations of support seem misplaced. Turning this pick up issue into the hill to die on instead of dealing with that reality means ESH
You’re an adult, you live in a house that is owned by someone else, you rely on them for rides to work, and think they’re being disrespectful when they’re dismissive? Yes, they are being dismissive, and have every right to be. They’re setting their rules in place in their house and with their time. It’s up to you to conform with their conditions or find other circumstances, ie, get your own car…get your own house. YTA.
YTA that you couldn’t texted her that you were running late ⏰
How much rent are you and your partner paying ?
If nothing , then you both should be doing some serious ass-kissing. Personally , I wouldn’t put up with you.
I had to read it back that you’re actually a 20 year old adult…. I assumed by the story you’d be like, 15. I don’t know enough about the house situation between dad and the grandparents, but to get pissy when you are relying on said person to transport you to work?
YTA
You’re an adult who is unable to … well adult. There is an old adage about beggars and choosers. Apologize. Drop the attitude and learn to accept help with grace. Or get out.
sorry hun but you definitely sound like YTA.
WRT your homelife and being expected to share chores, is your objection that J is the one who decided that or is your objection to doing the chores? Seems to me your grandparents have done more than enough and J&B are footing the bill; pretty obvious the rest of the residents should be doing the chores, no matter who makes the suggestion.
As for B coming to pick you up after a late-night shift and your telling her she ought to be patient, wtaf. Common courtesy would have you apologise for being late even if it was outside your control, and if there was any possible way to let her know you should have. If 10-15min late is normal, you should have asked your ride to arrive 10-15 minutes after your shift. You didn’t and you expect her to be fine with that? Super selfish and inconsiderate, and no appreciation for the favour she’s doing you by picking you up.
Basically, if you want to complain about these basic life situations you should move out and learn what being an adult actually means. You show no empathy for the people who are helping you in life.
J was an absentee father and that sucks. I highly doubt he is forcing you to live with him though… show appreciation that he’s made progress and is trying, show appreciation that he is housing you, and grow up—or leave and stop complainjng. Your storytelling about B is totally unreliable because she can’t both ignore/avoid you because you are a trigger and also head out to pick you up at work at 11pm. And her “ok” in the group chat was not dismissive: it was agreeing that you could and should figure out your own rides if you’re going to berate the person doing you that as a favour.
You just sound spoiled and self-centred here.
YTA. Grow up.
You were late to make someone pick you up in the middle of the night. You should have apologized immediately for making her wait.
Everything else here seems like fluff.
Figure out your own ride
YTA when you’re delayed you apologise. They’re giving their time to drive you to and from work – they don’t have to do that. You then blew up on them. You sound like a petulant, ungrateful teenager. Either move out or suck it up.
ESH. Everyone needs to pitch in at home whether they work or not. You and B are both running hot and disregarding the other. You bemoan her disrespect of you while downplaying your own disrespect of her.
Grow up. If you find it too stifling living there, save up money and move out.
So, what’s the plan? You don’t like how you’re being treated where you’re living. There are two options – you change your living situation or your dad and his wife change.
You only control the first one.
The apology is not really the issue. Why not just apologize if it keeps the peace? Who cares? You need a place to live and a ride – it sounds like the price of that is $200/week and an apology when you’ve upset them. You’re not in a position of power here – you’re an adult who relies on their parents for housing and rides. If you don’t want to comply with what they want you to do, then … what’s the plan?
YTA