So I’m getting married on November 30 this year. My father-in-law suggested we do a joint wedding with my fiancé’s two younger sisters (mostly for money and logistics) and after talking it over, both families thought it made sense.
Everyone except my brother (he’s 11 years older) and his wife. They were against it, said it would be “chaotic.” We decided to move forward anyway, and then he called me furious not even about the joint wedding, but because I didn’t “discuss” this with him first.
He said I embarrassed them in front of my in-laws by making them look like the only ones who disagreed. He basically accused me of setting him up. Then he got mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to go along with him. She had already talked to them and said she preferred her dad’s plan for a one-day wedding, so apparently me agreeing with her meant I “chose her side” over theirs.
When he was yelling at me on the phone, I told him to calm down and “fix this” instead of screaming. He snapped, “How dare you say this to me.” I asked, “Can’t I say this out of genuine concern for your health?” and he said flat out, “No, you can’t.”
This isn’t new behavior. He’s always wanted a say in my big decisions, like he had veto power. He and his wife keep pushing us to live near them, hinting that my fiancée could help with their kids. Years ago, in another fight, he randomly texted me: “You are the biggest fraud life has done for me.” That text honestly shook me and I’ve been walking on eggshells around him since.
We were really close growing up he felt like a second parent in some ways. That closeness was my whole world, and I never built other strong friendships. Now that I’m finally making decisions for myself, I feel like I’m breaking some unspoken rule and it’s terrifying.
Since this call, I’ve been anxious and replaying everything over and over. Was I selfish for not running this by him? Is it normal for siblings to expect this kind of influence over your choices? Or is this just controlling behavior?
Honestly, it feels like withdrawal from something I thought was love but might have been control. Every time I try to stand up for myself, he acts betrayed. I feel like a little kid learning to walk, and he keeps knocking me down.
I’m scared of setting boundaries because I don’t know if he’ll just cut me out of his life. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is actually toxic.
TL;DR: My brother’s furious I didn’t ask his “permission” before agreeing to a joint wedding plan with my in-laws. He’s mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to side with him, and he’s told me I’m not allowed to express concern for his health when he’s angry. He’s always acted like he has veto power over my life, and now I feel anxious and scared just for choosing something he didn’t like.
EDIT:
He isn’t contributing financially.
I have a dad, but my mom passed away when I was a kid. My dad is basically powerless in this dynamic, they overshadow him completely.
They’ve shown some kindness over the years, like giving me a second-hand laptop that I used to teach myself coding.
I also lived with them for a long time: after school, before university, and for about a year after I graduated. When I was staying there before getting my job, I helped out around the house a lot and with their kids. That’s why this all feels so messy, there’s a history of closeness, kindness, and also control.
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So I’m getting married on November 30 this year. My father-in-law suggested we do a joint wedding with my fiancé’s two younger sisters (mostly for money and logistics) and after talking it over, both families thought it made sense.
Everyone except my brother (he’s 11 years older) and his wife. They were against it, said it would be “chaotic.” We decided to move forward anyway, and then he called me furious not even about the joint wedding, but because I didn’t “discuss” this with him first.
He said I embarrassed them in front of my in-laws by making them look like the only ones who disagreed. He basically accused me of setting him up. Then he got mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to go along with him. She had already talked to them and said she preferred her dad’s plan for a one-day wedding, so apparently me agreeing with her meant I “chose her side” over theirs.
When he was yelling at me on the phone, I told him to calm down and “fix this” instead of screaming. He snapped, “How dare you say this to me.” I asked, “Can’t I say this out of genuine concern for your health?” and he said flat out, “No, you can’t.”
This isn’t new behavior. He’s always wanted a say in my big decisions, like he had veto power. He and his wife keep pushing us to live near them, hinting that my fiancée could help with their kids. Years ago, in another fight, he randomly texted me: “You are the biggest fraud life has done for me.” That text honestly shook me and I’ve been walking on eggshells around him since.
We were really close growing up he felt like a second parent in some ways. That closeness was my whole world, and I never built other strong friendships. Now that I’m finally making decisions for myself, I feel like I’m breaking some unspoken rule and it’s terrifying.
Since this call, I’ve been anxious and replaying everything over and over. Was I selfish for not running this by him? Is it normal for siblings to expect this kind of influence over your choices? Or is this just controlling behavior?
Honestly, it feels like withdrawal from something I thought was love but might have been control. Every time I try to stand up for myself, he acts betrayed. I feel like a little kid learning to walk, and he keeps knocking me down.
I’m scared of setting boundaries because I don’t know if he’ll just cut me out of his life. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is actually toxic.
TL;DR: My brother’s furious I didn’t ask his “permission” before agreeing to a joint wedding plan with my in-laws. He’s mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to side with him, and he’s told me I’m not allowed to express concern for his health when he’s angry. He’s always acted like he has veto power over my life, and now I feel anxious and scared just for choosing something he didn’t like.
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> AITA for choosing my own wedding date which also aligns with my future wife and not discussing it first with my brother and sister in law?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You need to see him how he is , a horrible power tripping controlling person ! You would NOT have such a person even as a friend, right ?
Stand up for yourself and let him know where he stands. You mean nothing to him anyways you have nothing to lose if you cut him off your life.
NTA. Its your life and your wedding. If you and your finance (and sisters and their partners) are happy with a joint wedding, then that is all that matters. Your brother gets zero say in your life and you are welcome to distance yourself from him for your own mental well being.
NTA. His expectation and reaction is not normal. It seems like you were raised to be under his control and when you behave like a normal adult, he tries to punish you. The fact that you have to ask this question indicates that you are still, to some extent, “under the influence.” You might find therapy helpful.
NTA. This is totally controlling behavior. He 100% thinks he gets a say in your life. I think you should go and remain low contact with him. It sounds like it would be better for your mental health to have only minimal contact with him.
NTA it’s your wedding.
Question though, is he financially contributing to this wedding in any way?
NTA. Your brother is attempting to control your life, is mad you won’t let him, and is gaslighting you into thinking you are at fault.
If a friend or acquaintance tried to do these things to you, would you keep them in your life, or cut them off?
It’s your call to make, but in your shoes I would go low/no contact.
NTA. It is one of the most controlling things I’ve ever read about on this sub. I’m afraid you’ve been wearing rose-tinted glasses about your brother until now.
I’m so confused. What does your brother have to do with planning your wedding?
Work with a a therapist to help guide you.
You’ve called it right. It’s power and control he’s losing over you. It’s not love nor concern for you.
Setting boundaries is hard and scary and painful, but will lead to peace and sanity if you’re able to follow through.
Good luck. Your spine is grown and he hates it. Stay strong.
NTA – he’s acting like he’s your father, not your brother, and even your own father doesn’t get to tell you how to conduct your nuptials. His behavior is unhinged and entitled.
This decision has nothing to do with him. It might be reasonable to expect a brother to check your schedule prior to making wedding arrangements. But the details are 100% your decision. He sounds controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive. You are NTA. Now that you’re seeing your brother for who he is, I would suggest reducing contact.
Are you an adult? Is your brother financing the wedding at all? Because unless you’re still a child and he’s your guardian, or he’s making a significant contribution to your wedding, it’s none of his business. NTA
Hell no. It is not his business in any way. It is your and your fiancées life. Your wedding. Not theirs. And of course you’ll take your fiancée’s side over his. That’s your future wife.
Your wedding does sound chaotic, but in a GOOD way! It sounds like a fun idea.
Your brother is so overly controlling it’s scary. I strongly recommend therapy for yourself.
Please don’t move closer to them.
NTA. NTA. NTA.
Where are your parents? Why in the world does he get any say in your life choices?
NTA. Your wedding, your decision. Your brother has issues and that’s his responsibility to deal with them, you don’t have to walk on eggshells and deal with the toxicity. Also, having boundaries is part of growing up and if you don’t set any (especially with this wedding) he’ll continue to think he can walk all over you and control you even more. Let him be mad, who cares? He’s an adult, he’ll get over it. Or maybe he won’t, but either way that’s not your problem or responsibility to deal with his emotions. You should also go low contact with him for now, or if he brings up the wedding again, set a boundary and tell him you don’t want to talk about it.
NTA, maybe you should go low contact with him, he sounds horrible
Live . Your. Own. Life.
NTA
NTA but you really should tell your brother to fuck off then go very LC. He sounds like an abusive AH and I bet your life would be happier without him in it.
NTA. Your brother enjoyed having control over you, and has come to the realization that he can’t control you anymore. Don’t entertain his demands. Tell him he can either accept it and move on, or he can not attend.
NTA. This isn’t his decision to make.
NTA
Your brother is a toxic controlling asshole, as is his wife
It ain’t normal !! Set your boundaries he’ll have to except them or he won’t be in your life!
NTA – Tell him his behavior is about to get him completely uninvited from the wedding.
NTA, but your brother is. You are an adult who can make your own decisions and the only people who should have a say in your wedding are you and your fiancé. Your brother sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. It is probably time to go low contact, and speak with a therapist about why you have to question why you think he might have the right to be involved in the decisions you make in your life
NTA. You need to see him for what he is. He wants control over you and every aspect of your life. He wants control to benefit him and his family. The only concern is how it affects him.
You need to decide whether you want to try and set boundaries or just go low to no contact.
Brother has issues and it’s not out of concern for you best interests.
NTA. So long as all the parties who are actually getting married, which if I am reading this right are OP+ fiance and Op’s fiance’s 2 younger sisters + their respective fiances, are all in agreement that is all that matters. I can’t see how OPs older brother would even remotely think he gets any kind of a say. Uninvite him, maybe block him / go NC because he sounds kind of controlling and not very nice to be around, and move on.
It’s definitely control, you say that you didn’t form strong bonds with anyone growing up, I suspect that he had a hand in that so he could keep you close. Getting mad that you wouldn’t move closer to him for free child care? Another red flag. Getting mad that you dared to make your own life choices without consulting him? Yet another red flag. Do yourself a huge favour and, at the very least, put some distance between you both, you might have to consider low/no contact if he keeps it up.
NTA.
He is being controlling and has no say in any of it.
Tell him if he doesn’t change his horrid behavior, he is not invited to the wedding.
Do not move close to them. Your fiance is not a free babysitter.
You were not selfish.
This is not normal sibling behavior.
This is extremely controlling.
NTA. Siblings dont get a say in your decisions, especially about getting married. Actually, parents dont either. The only people who do are the ones getting married. Others may give suggestions, advice, or even opinions (preferably only when asked for…), but unless you are marrying your brother, he does not get a say in this, or any other decision you make.
Please dont move closer to him, in fact, move far far away. And get therapy to help you deal with the damage he has caused to you and your understanding of family relationships.
NTA. Ask yourself, if he did cut you put of his life, what would you be missing out on? Would your life be more or less stressful? What you need to realize is that toxic, controlling people like that don’t actually cut others out, because then they would lose the person they take their issues out on. If he threatens to cut you out, it’s not because he loves you so much he is trying to help you, its because he wants to control you. Get yourself some therapy and make a new, healthy family with your wife.
NTA – he has it in his mind that the dynamic hasn’t changed since you were growing up and now he’s losing control over the decisions he always had and doesn’t like it.
You absolutely need to standup and set boundaries. Just like when he tried to tell you where to live. That wasn’t about being close but about what he can get out of it ….free babysitting and still control your lives.
If he cuts you out for being an adult and making decisions about what’s best for your family then that’s manipulation. Tel him that you love him but you are a adult and will make decisions that is best for you and your soon to be wife. That you want a relationship but not one where he thinks he can control yours so he needs to respect that and be happy or not but you are not caving.
No your wedding ad he has no say at all.
Don’t give in or he will continue
OP, I was a parentified older sibling and I can say that this goes well beyond being used to being ‘responsible’ for your siblings. Your brother’s viewpoints about him being the deciding factor in your life and decisions are unhinged.
You probably need to consider therapy because your internal response to react to his over the top antics with anxiety and questioning if you’re wrong for not placating him isn’t normal either. Siblings are supposed to be like friends who just happen to be related to you. You wouldn’t allow a friend to speak to you like this or believe they have this level of control over you, so why should your brother? Your brother not only believes that he should control your decisions but your fiancée’s as well. What the ever loving shit went on in your house growing up, OP? This goes well beyond the normal older sibling-younger sibling dynamic. You need to take a giant leap of a step away from your brother. Don’t dare move closer to them and you might consider reducing communication until he can learn to respect you as an adult.
Please read everything you can about narcissistic abuse.
NTA
But your brother is unhinged and does not get a say on your life. I will even suggest narcissistic traits.
Start distancing yourself from him. But be aware he will guilt trip you as much as possible to get his control back.
Do not expect someone who hurt you, to also heal you.
Get therapy to learn to distance yourself from your brother and his manipulations.
Do not move closer to him, quite the opposite move further away. Unless you want your future wife to become their free nanny and your life is controlled by him.
Distance and low to non existent communication is key.
Wow, with a few details changed, this describes my relationship with my brother quite well. I always adored him, while his reciprocation has been based on whether I toe his line. He doesn’t yell, he just excludes me and when we do see one another, he is constantly trying to bait me. It seriously hurts, but you can’t live your life by your brother’s rules. NTA
NTA. Your brother sees you as a child and his inferior. Put a stop to it.
You’re NTA. However, you are forcing your family to become minimized at your wedding and essentially supporting 2 marriages they have no interest in. Again, that’s your decision to make, but a weird one.
You need some therapy to help you shed the people-pleasing tendencies that he helped program into you. Your relationship with him, and his demadning behavior, are not normal at all.
The health of your primary relationship is also at stake. You wife-to-be needs to know you stand with her and have her back, with no one else even coming a close second. Do not ever claim to be “caught in the middle” or “just trying to keep the peace.” Don’t ever chicken out. Don’t make her feel that she has to stand all alone, face the emotional terrorists on her own.
NTA, but why would your brother get a say? Is he getting married too and wants a joint wedding with you?
I’m the older sister. I helped raise my half sister, by mother and adopted father. If she asked for advice I would give it. I was happy when she became independent. I’ve told her how I would handle things, knowing she’d listen about 30% of the time.
I’ve never expected her to do things my way. I’m shocked when she does. We are 2 very different women.
Your parents wouldn’t have the right to scream about this decision. Why should your brother have a say? I wouldn’t invite him out of a healthy fear of his causing more trouble. Of being embarrassed or having him embarrass my new family. He has no say in your decisions. You are grown.
Good Luck and Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Sounds like he is as much of a control freak as the parents not allowing separate days for individual weddings. You’re ok with it. Fine. Not me. I want my own separate event.
Are you able to have one wedding at a certain time and the other wedding later if it has to be on the same day? Have later reception? Can save some money there if they are paying for everything.
Sorry I am less concerned about the brother and more concerned that you have your own special day for you and your partner.
You’re not an extension of your brother, no matter how much he feels that you are. He may not figure it out, but it looks like you have. Well done.
Tell your brother that you don’t need his permission to do anything. It sounds as if you fully repaid him for his assistance when you lived with him by babysitting – in short, you owe him nothing. Tell him that you and your husband agreed to be married in a joint wedding and the 2 of you are the only people who need to agree. If he gets huffy and doesn’t come, that’s his problem not yours.
NTA this is Not normal sibling behavior. I am the oldest of three and I help my siblings when I can but I never insist that they consult me before anything and even more I never try to force them to do what I think is best for them. I’ll say something like “hey I can offer you advice on this subject” but I have never insisted that they even hear me out much less follow my instructions. It sounds like you need to put in more strict boundaries between you and your brother and possibly lower contact aswell.
NTA, I’d text him, “I need to clarify to you that you are my brother and highly loved as such but you make your decisions with your wife for your family, and I’ll make mine with my fiancé. That is why I am in not getting your permission or buy in to my wedding or other large events in my life.The only people to consult with on the wedding are the people getting married. We can avoid conflict in the future if you step back and recognize we’re both adults who don’t require each other’s approval for decisions. I’m frustrated and offended you were enraged about a decision that wasn’t yours to weigh in on or decide.”
Why would your brother have a say in your wedding? Sharing an opinion out of concern is on thing, but it’s not out of love when you’re angry if the person doesn’t take your suggestions. Your brother is trying to control you, not love you. If he’s adding stress to your life you may want to cut down contact with him, or share less with him so he has less to exert control over. Therapy to help you extricate from this relationship may also help. NTA
> Was I selfish for not running this by him? Is it normal for siblings to expect this kind of influence over your choices? Or is this just controlling behavior?
No, no, and yes.
Tell your brother that he will be invited to your wedding when he puts aside his anger, apologizes, and expresses his clear support for your union.
NTA
EDIT: Thinking about what you wrote, I think your brother convinced himself that you would be a live-in support person in his life. Doing chores in his house, taking care of his kids. He wants to bring that back, and the further you slip out of his control, the more crazy and irrational he’s going to become.
This is an extinction burst. He knows that if he doesn’t beat you into submission now, he’ll lose you forever, so he’s trying as hard as possible to bully you into compliance.
Your brother is not only controlling, but he’s also abusive. If he doesn’t want to support you on your wedding day, however that day is planned, then he doesn’t need to come. I know you’re concerned about him cutting you out of his life, but if your only tie to him is that he can control you, you’re better off without him. Sorry, OP. Stand strong and have a great wedding with people that actually want you to have a voice.
Multi weddings seem weird to me. What’s the guest protocol? Am I supposed to get the couples I don’t know at least a token congratulations gift card? Is it going to be lopsided where one couple gets showered in gifts and the other two obviously less because that’s at least 4 different sets of friends and family as well as various extended acquaintances with varying financial situations.
Your brother thinks he’s your dad and he’s too heavy handed.
YTA for not standing tall and being a man. Yes your brother is controlling, horribly so. If it were me I would tell him if he ever tries to give me advice about something I didnt ASK HIM about, I will cut contact for 6 months. 2nd time it will be for a year and third time is permanent. He will never respect you until you stand up to him and HOLD your ground. It might take several times but if you refuse to be intimidated, he will either stop or he will leave your life. I now you used to be close but he is not that person anymore.
WOW, I would laugh in his face every time he tried to criticize me or tell me what to do. Every single time….
Dude. Your wife is your #1 now. Your bro is treating you like a child. Like a red headed step child, in fact. Sad that it’s time to move from your bros crazy control, but exciting that you’re creating a new family with your soon to be bride!!
Explain that he certainly misunderstood his role in a/the family. Siblings don’t need permission from their other siblings to make life decisions. Once you each turn 18 and/or are no longer dependent upon your parents you can make decisions without requesting permission. But requesting permission from a sibling was never part of the requirement.
Explain eggs you don’t know why at his big age he doesn’t understand this, but he can keep his opinions, anger, and disagreement to himself. And that you are no longer tolerating his mistreatment.
> then he called me furious not even about the joint wedding, but because I didn’t “discuss” this with him first.
Did he “discuss” his plans to marry with you?
>He said I embarrassed them in front of my in-laws by making them look like the only ones who disagreed.
But they are the only ones that disagree. His own opinion is embarrassing to him, why is he trying to pin his shit on you?
>Then he got mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to go along with him.
You and your fiancee are allowed to have your own opinions.
>so apparently me agreeing with her meant I “chose her side” over theirs.
Why is bro choosing his wife’s side over yours? See how that can be flipped? In fact, most of his comments can be flipped on him. I suggest trying that.
>When he was yelling at me on the phone, I told him to calm down and “fix this” instead of screaming.
This needs a firm boundary. You are a grown ass adults. You do not have to listen to someone scream at you. You can absolutely tell him that unless hes going to speak with you like a fellow grown ass adult, you will refuse to engage with him. Hang up the phone when he raises his voice. He either speaks to you like an equal or he doesnt speak to you at all.
>This isn’t new behavior. He’s always wanted a say in my big decisions, like he had veto power.
Tell him no, he doesnt get final say in your decisions. He can have an opinion but his opinions are not orders that youre meant to take without question.
Youre a grown adult, youre about to be married. You need to have a confrontation with him where you tell him to shut tf up or find himself without you as an active member of his life. Do not force your soon to be wife to deal with this nonsense. NTA
I’m sorry but if you are old enough to choose a Wife and get married you are old enough to stand up to your Brother and tell him he has absolutely no say in your wedding! If for some reason he doesn’t approve then tell him you’re sorry he will miss the most important day of your life!
My brother wasn’t at my wedding, he graciously didn’t go for fear of knocking my brother in laws teeth in, so maybe my perspective is off. At no point was my brother, sisters or my wife’s ever consulted about my wedding. They got told when and where it was. That’s it. At the same time, over the years, they’ve all been married at least once or twice and I have had zero interest in getting involved in any of it. It’s just weird.
NTA. You are right in perceiving that this has long been out of a need for control, even when there were moments of kindness and closeness, too. You must extricate yourself if he will overshadow your whole life and your future children’s lives.
Please keep making your own decisions and strengthening your resolve. You may find it helpful to have some counseling to support you in this growth.
NTA.
Your brother needs a xanax and a chill pill. Dude is HYPER controlling and is NOT the one who should have the power to make decisions like this. Your future FIL is already involved and you are allowed to make your own judgement.
I can see where your brother is coming from, but it’s not up to him.
Could it be that your brother and/or his wife are JEALOUS? Perhaps they see your “joint” wedding as somehow bigger, more extravagant than the one they had? In any case, he is definitely trying to make your wedding about him……or less of a happy moment for you.
NTA But now is a good time for you to draw a line with him. It’s your wedding, not his. Your life, not his. And if he cannot be happy for you and behave at the wedding, tell him you are fine for him to stay home.