I (30F) am getting married to my fiance (28M) and the wedding is booked for 2027, we have been together for 6 years.
For background, I feel very strongly about my feminist beliefs and I’ve always said I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle, I’ve always had this view since I was a teenager, long before I met my partner. The reason I believe this is I think it’s a really old-fashioned thing that goes back to a time when women were property of their father giving the property to their future husband, and quite frankly I don’t belong to anybody to “give away”. I know it’s a really special thing for some people and I completely respect everyone’s personal preference, but my preference is not to be given away.
I’m not particularly close with my parents either, I didn’t have an abusive childhood or anything but me and my brother grew up being very aware that our parents didn’t enjoy being parents and were told more than once that they would not have kids if they could do it again so we’re not exactly close with our parents now we’re both adults.
Now to the issue, my fiance and I invited both of our mums to the wedding venue to have a look round and take them for lunch. It was supposed to be a nice day. They were asking us both questions and then my mum said she knows my views but am I sure I don’t want my dad to give me away. I said no I don’t, she then starts crying and causing a scene, saying I was upsetting her and my dad is heartbroken and that she won’t see my dad walk her only daughter down the aisle. It’s worth mentioning I’m not my dad’s only daughter, he hasn’t seen her for over 20 years so he’s not exactly father of the year.
I can’t help but feel that she just doesn’t respect my views and thought just because I’m engaged I’ll become a different person and want the perfect princess wedding. We’ve had similar conversations about kids, because I don’t want them and she used to say I would change my mind when I met the right person, or once I’m married. Like I said, we’re not even close so it also feels performative, they’re only bothered so they get their perfect pictures and Facebook mum bragging rights.
I felt very strongly that it’s our wedding so I’m not giving in to my mum. But now I’m wondering if it’s a hill worth dying on for the sake of one day? Especially when the wedding is 2 years away so it’s going to keep coming up as an issue for 2 years. So AITA for not letting my dad walk me down the aisle?
Edit: We are paying for the wedding ourselves. No parents are contributing to it
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I (30F) am getting married to my fiance (28M) and the wedding is booked for 2027, we have been together for 6 years.
For background, I feel very strongly about my feminist beliefs and I’ve always said I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle, I’ve always had this view since I was a teenager, long before I met my partner. The reason I believe this is I think it’s a really old-fashioned thing that goes back to a time when women were property of their father giving the property to their future husband, and quite frankly I don’t belong to anybody to “give away”. I know it’s a really special thing for some people and I completely respect everyone’s personal preference, but my preference is not to be given away.
I’m not particularly close with my parents either, I didn’t have an abusive childhood or anything but me and my brother grew up being very aware that our parents didn’t enjoy being parents and were told more than once that they would not have kids if they could do it again so we’re not exactly close with our parents now we’re both adults.
Now to the issue, my fiance and I invited both of our mums to the wedding venue to have a look round and take them for lunch. It was supposed to be a nice day. They were asking us both questions and then my mum said she knows my views but am I sure I don’t want my dad to give me away. I said no I don’t, she then starts crying and causing a scene, saying I was upsetting her and my dad is heartbroken and that she won’t see my dad walk her only daughter down the aisle. It’s worth mentioning I’m not my dad’s only daughter, he hasn’t seen her for over 20 years so he’s not exactly father of the year.
I can’t help but feel that she just doesn’t respect my views and thought just because I’m engaged I’ll become a different person and want the perfect princess wedding. We’ve had similar conversations about kids, because I don’t want them and she used to say I would change my mind when I met the right person, or once I’m married. Like I said, we’re not even close so it also feels performative, they’re only bothered so they get their perfect pictures and Facebook mum bragging rights.
I felt very strongly that it’s our wedding so I’m not giving in to my mum. But now I’m wondering if it’s a hill worth dying on for the sake of one day? Especially when the wedding is 2 years away so it’s going to keep coming up as an issue for 2 years. So AITA for not letting my dad walk me down the aisle?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) AITA for going against tradition and actively stopping my dad from walking me down the aisle. (2) I might be TA for not letting my dad walk me down the aisle when I know him and my mum feel strongly about it. Also for arguing with her about it in front of my fiancé’s mum
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
>For background, I feel very strongly about my feminist beliefs and I’ve always said I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle
It’s your wedding, you’re not supposed to cater to anyones desires.
NTA you have the right to have your wedding the way you want it.
NTA. I’ve had similar conversations where if some man asks me permission to marry my daughter he’s getting an immediate no because he clearly doesn’t respect her as an independent adult and basic human being.
NTA. I would just let her know clearly it’s not up for discussion. Don’t get into the weeds on WHY—that just invites a conversation and lots of feelings and emotions, etc. etc. Just not the vision you have for your wedding. Full stop.
NTA
Your wedding, your choice. Dont cater to anyone else.
NTA. You can do whatever you want for any reason. It’s your wedding.
Stop including your mom in any wedding planning. She could have asked you that another time, but she chose to start that conversation in front of your future MIL, while you were touring your venue. It was pure manipulation. They set the tone for your relationship. Have the wedding you want. End the conversation any time either of them brings it up. This isn’t news to them and they don’t get a vote.
NTA. My daugher feels the same way, and I’ve been subtly trying to prepare my husband for this inevitability even though she isn’t yet engaged. Is there something you can re-focus your dad (and mom!) on, such as a father/daughter dance or ask him to make a speech at the reception?
You’ve answered your own question. This is something you have NOT wanted to do for years and hell, not even close to your parents either… i would say if you were close to your father and he’s supported you through life to just give him this, HOWEVER, sounds like the complete opposite, so hell no, your wedding your choice…
NTA. This wedding is for you & your fiancé, to create memories for the 2 of you. Your parents have always known how you feel, your beliefs, & what you want. It is truly selfish that they or at least she wants to impose her wants on your wedding. Nobody has to die on a hill. You’re right to feel that she doesn’t respect your views–she is demonstrating that by her behavior. It’s very manipulative on her part. Stick to your guns, and don’t feel guilty. Happy wedding BTW!
NTA.
>my dad is heartbroken and that she won’t see my dad walk her only daughter down the aisle
I would feel worse for him if he hadn’t treated you the same way:
>me and my brother grew up being very aware that our parents didn’t enjoy being parents and were told more than once that they would not have kids if they could do it again
How was that supposed to make you guys feel? The whole point of “giving” a daughter away is to pass the duty of protecting her onto her new husband. How can he pass on a duty he never seems to have taken on to begin with?
NTA.
My husband and I walked down the aisle together because we believed in starting equally.
I think the walk down the aisle has taken on new meaning over the years. It was once a symbol of a father turning responsibility for his daughter to her new husband. Now it’s more like a parent or both of them supporting and blessing the new union by walking to it together. If you have a good relationship with your parents it can be a nice moment together. If you don’t have a close relationship there is no need to have the walk in your wedding. Your parents are more likely thinking of how it looks and imagining everyone making assumptions about them based on the lack of a walk down the aisle. Which isn’t a good reason to do it but if you decide you do want to make them happy there are other ways to recognize them as your parents in the events of the day.
NTA. It’s your wedding, nobody else’s. You are right, women were considered property & their fathers “gave” them away to a husband. You have 2 years, no need for anyone to be in it up.
NTA…Your day, you way. Have whatever kind of wedding you want and have no regrets.
NTA.
I had my dad and stepdad walk me down the aisle, and honestly, I look back and wish I’d walked myself down the damn aisle. My dad is lovely, but my stepdad turned around and ruined the reception by being a drunk asshole. But mostly I wish I had fully owned my own feminist beliefs, because walking a woman down the aisle is bullshit patriarchy. I was almost 30, independent and should have just had a fun party without all the weird patriarchal trappings.
Anyway, yeah. Don’t do it. Do your own thing.
NTA
NTA
A lot of people like the old traditions, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But we live in a modern age where the father no longer owns his daughters like chattel or livestock where they need to give permission or to “give away” their daughters in marriage.
My personal opinion, not that anyone asked, or that anyone would even care is this:
Start a new tradition.
One that works for you and your family.
If that means no one walks you down the aisle, so be it.
If that means your 2 dogs walk on either side of you down the aisle, then do that as well.
If it means that both sets of parents (or representatives from both families) walks the bride down the aisle as a symbolic show of both families joining together through the marriage of the bride and groom, then do that instead.
A wedding should be a public affirmation of your commitment to each other. How you choose to show that, who you choose to share that with, and what, if any “traditions” you include should only be decided by the 2 most important people involved in the ceremony; the bride and groom.
you have a very narrated story you have to live with even if it hurts those you care about. good luck i guess.
Let’s unpack things here. Even if you don’t see it you obviously have crappy parents. Your mom is manipulative and a pain. They have done things to make your sister go no contact for 20 years. I would suggest therapy to unpack what actually happened in your childhood that you are actively choosing to forget or subconsciously have forgotten. Nta. Your wedding your choice. If you have baggage to unload.
I’m inclined to say NTA, or maybe NAH.
You will get a lot of people saying “it’s your wedding, it’s about what you want”, but that’s not entirely true. Every wedding has compromises to accommodate people who are important to us. The overall vision can absolutely be yours, but there will be times where, as you are now, you question whether it’s worth dying on a particular hill. Will this seriously damage your relationship with your parents and, for the sake of a belief you sound like you haven’t reexamined since childhood, is that worth it to you?
For what it’s worth, the notion of passing ownership of a woman is not how I or my wife understood it for our wedding. Her father did walk her down the aisle not as a kind of transaction or handover but because he was the most important man in her life up until then and she wanted him to be part of things. You may not want that.
Without knowing your parents it’s impossible for us to know if this is the thin end of the wedge or enough to satisfy them, that will have to be your decision. But this will not be the last difficult decision you have to make. Good luck with everything.
While the origins of this custom has roots in transferring “ownership” of the bride, it no longer carries that meaning and signifies nothing of the sort. This is feminism taken too far.
Since you’re getting married in a church, there is far more misogynistic and bronze-age baggage in that choice than your dad merely walking you down the aisle. But hey, you do you, but be prepared for the fallout.
My daughters father walked her down the aisle ( weeping the whole way) but she was not given away. My son in law didn’t ask her father if he could have her hand either. She was over 30 and her father had no ownership of her and her decision to marry. They are close but she didn’t feel it right as she is not his possession.
NTA for not wanting to have him walk you down the aisle given your views. It’s your wedding day. If you want to walk down the aisle alone, on your head, backwards heck swing from the chandelier it’s your choice! Make it all about you and your future husband and what you both want. So many people given into the pressures of friends and family and later regret it. My advice tho is listen openly to what others say, because sometimes they maybe right. My wedding was very different from traditional and while I did not accept 99% of the advice people gave the one I did take, to buy the big dress, I’m so glad I “caved” on. 17.5 years later looking back I know I would have regretted not having a dress(we “eloped” but it was all planned and we had other traditional things too). We were told by almost everyone that we would regret XYZ, we don’t. As long as you both want it then you should!
With little context given I wonder if maybe you are being harsh with your thoughts on your mother. You mention multiple times that you are not close with your parents. So why do you automatically feel your mom is making a scene and wants “Facebook bragging rights”. She like you is entitled to her feelings, and so is your dad. They are allowed to mourn not having him walk you down the aisle as it is a tradition as old as time, and the majority of parents want grandchildren. I wasn’t there so I can’t know what kind of scene she caused but some tears should be acceptable. Blubbering and going on, not acceptable and of course how she said things. Just remember they are human also and just like you, allowed to feel.
Again maybe I’m wrong since I don’t have the full story, it just felt dismissive of other people’s feelings the way you wrote it.
Congratulations on your engagement, enjoy this happy time.
NTA
You’ve done the right thing by communicating this early and setting expectations.
And I agree, btw! The groom’s parents don’t have any similar role in the wedding ceremony. The tradition has created an expectation on the bride’s side for this thing but you’ve been clear that you won’t be incorporating that tradition.
IF you wanted to incorporate the parents from both sides in some way, you could have them walk down the aisle together ahead of the groom so they feel like they’re being honored in some way. Not necessary at all, just an option.
Have you decided on if you’re going to do father/daughter and mother/son dances? If not, you should decide soon and communicate about that as well.
NTA. It’s not like you didn’t want dad walking you down the aisle because of some recent problem. Your wedding!! But, I’m concerned for you in another way. If mom is acting this way now, will situations arise that may ruin your wedding memories? Granted, your mom started the crying act in front of your future MIL, maybe to manipulate you? Weddings can be such a pain sometimes. If it gets too bad, might I suggest elope?
NTA, but maybe consider a father daughter dance at the reception to include him in your day.
NTA. If you were springing this on your parents a week before the wedding it might be different. But you’ve always been clear that this is your view and you are just confirming it. They have plenty of time to come to terms with it. Has your father said anything or are you only getting your mother’s take on it? I’d keep your mum as far away from the wedding planning as you can. If she keeps trying to bring it up, just shut it down and say the decision is made and it’s not changing
NTA, I assume your parents are not paying for your wedding and therefore they should have nonsay whatsoever.
While giving away the bride did have the meaning you noted, today it is much more symbolic of the person who was responsible both financially and physically to protect the bride is relenquishing that responsibility to another. I can see why that too might go against a true feminists POV as well though.
If the parents are paying for the wedding we’ll then that kind of would underscore the financial responsibility idea above.
For many fathers who have raised a daughter and had a special bond with them it is a matter of pride for them to walk her down the isle and it symbolizes a coming of age from daddy’s little girl to womanhood. While I think your POV is based on rebellion from those ideals rather than from the origin of the tradition, I also feel that is your right to decide. This is especially true since you feel you are not very close to your parents.
Have Dad walk you to the aisle and he can allow you the whole walk by yourself. If your parents are old fashioned this helps give your dad that memory of him & his daughter.
Or be so new day fashioned if you are paying for it all.
NTA, yoh get to pick which traditions you follow. For my wedding, I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. This felt much less yucky to me!
Next time mom brings it up, first correct her (in front of everyone there, that you are in fact not dad’s only daughter and if she keeps pushing not only will dad not walk you down the aisle but neither she or Dad will be invited
NTA
NTA – I felt the same way, and to avoid a scene like this I asked my dad to officiate the wedding. He didn’t realise he wasn’t giving me away until I was halfway down the aisle.
NTA – your wedding, your way. Simple as that. It would be a different matter if you had your parents traditionally pay for the wedding, but then balked at their traditional participation. Hypocrisy is insufferable.
My wedding was officiated by our progressive female pastor we had growing up. She wouldn’t tolerate the language of “giving” the bride away. I forget what language she used, but the father/daughter moment still occurred without any of the patriarchal intent. I’m certain there can exist a path where your parents get to participate while still respecting your values – but only if you want it.
Well, NTA, because it is truly your choice. But the symbolism of those last moments of being “daddy’s little girl” is why women are escorted. It’s then Dad who gets to give his blessing, which is really sweet. I don’t see it as a dog marking a tire type thing. But if OP doesn’t want it, OP wins.
I think you were right when you said “ is this a mountain I want to die on…”. NTA for wanting your wedding to be YOUR day… but is it worth tearing apart your family for just one day no matter how important it is? If you feel strongly enough then go for it and don’t let anyone stand in your way. If it’s NOT a mountain worth dying on, I suggest you make amends and put up with the inconvenience for one day… imho
YTA.
As a Father with a daughter, walking her down the aisle has zero to do with giving her away and everything to do with it being one of the only times in her life (and likely the last time) that I get a significant public moment with her.
If my daughter told me I couldn’t walk her down the aisle, I would respect that it’s her wedding, I’d ask my wife to not make a big deal about it; and I’d wonder for the rest of my life if she had some personal resentment towards me or if I was otherwise not a good enough Dad.
NTA, but there is room to compromise, like taking your hand when you get to the first row to walk the last few steps to the alter. Kind of like a someone gives a hand to walk up steps does
NTA. But you could be “escorted down the ailse” and omit the part where the officiant asks “who gives this woman in marriage”. Went to w wedding recently where the groom was escorted his parent down the aisle hugs and kisses parents sat down. Then bride walks down the aisle hugs and kisses and parents sat down. Bride wasn’t given away at all. I thought it was beautiful.
You need to hold your ground and have what you want at your wedding. Could you make a compromise? Maybe have your father and father in law each walk a bridesmaid down the aisle? Or perhaps he could walk with your mother? Just don’t agree to do anything that doesn’t sit right with you.
NTA.
I remember my mother, wanting to espouse her feminist beliefs, calling me and announcing that she would like to also give me away, alongside my dad.
I told her I’d be giving myself away, that the true feminist belief is that I’m not property. She coped well.
But my MIL did also turn on the manipulative tears in a public place over other wedding stuff. We held firm on what we wanted, I figured she’d hate me either way and I was correct.
NTA. I also chose not to have my dad “give me away” because it’s an archaic tradition that doesn’t sit right. And because my husband and I had been together for years, owned a home together, all of our future plans were (and are) with each other. Our healthcare needs and plans are wrapped up in each other, our retirement plans are wrapped up in each other, our day to day lives are rooted in mutual love and respect for one another. The day was about that relationship, not our family, and not about traditions for the sake of traditions.
I had to have the hard conversations with my dad about how I wanted him there to celebrate with us, along with the rest of the family, but there would be no walk down the aisle. We each came out of a side wing and met in the middle.
“Well if it is so important to you that this ‘giving away’ thing should happen, then maybe you should have been better parents! Instead of telling us that you wished you had never had kids, maybe you should have raised us like you actually wanted us! The answer is ‘NO’ and it will always be ‘NO’ so stop asking!”
NTA
I’m a big feminist, and so is my husband. However it meant the world for my father (now deceased) to walk me down the aisle. We didn’t see it as him “giving me away” but rather guiding me to the next phase in life as a married person.
My father and I were super close, and now that he’s gone I’m very grateful so have had that experience with him. But you need to do what’s right for you. I just caution to think a few decades beyond the wedding and what this decision is communicating.
you’re an asshole, and let me guess, your dad is still paying for most of your wedding.
NTA. Even your Mom’s tears were staged to pressure you in front of your fiance and his, Mom. Tell her you respect her feelings and out of respect you will no longer include her in wedding planning as its clearly too hard on her.
NTA.
Your wedding, your marriage, your beliefs.
My parents have pushed some of their older fashioned beliefs on me (30+M) and I’ve regretted it multiple times.
A wonderful opportunity to set the standard for what you are and demand for yourself.
Nothing wrong with your beliefs. Curious if you’ve talked through this with a third party to have your position dissected. I would do that (not telling you to).
You’re not much of a feminist if you cave to “follow tradition”.
NTA- your parents got to do what they wanted for their wedding, now is you’re turn! Blessings for a happy marriage 😁
It seems that you want a traditional wedding (two years or more in the planning) except for father walking you down the aisle. Given your relationship, that is understandable. Why are your parents even invited? You want to extol your feminism but in only one specific way—not much about a traditional wedding is exactly aligned with feminism, well basically none of it is. Personally I think you might prefer a simple civil ceremony with a few friends, but it is your choice. And when I say “your” I mean to include your fiancée. Does he have any say in any of this? NTA.
NTA – Its your wedding… My Mother and Father walked me down the aisle. Really loved the picture of the Three of Us. No one ‘gave me away’. Neither my Father nor I wanted that to be part of my wedding.
You can of course get married any way you like and I hope that whatever you do that you have a lovely day. But I wonder if maybe you would give consideration to your Dad walking you down the aisle but not having the giving you away bit in the service? That way your dad gets to walk you down and you get to be independent at the same time. Just a thought for you.
She’s regretting being the kind of mother that she was, just as your dad is having regrets. You are NTA.
Full disclosure: I’m in a petty mood.
Why is your mom making this about her? Seriously?
Let her know if she chooses to whine and cry over this, they’ll be plenty of tissues in the back.
Do you, boo. You won’t regret standing up for yourself.
Best wishes!
NTA.
You feel that she just doesn’t respect your views, because she doesn’t.
You’ve made clear for over 10 years that it’s not something you want.
Just because she and your dad want it to be that way, doesn’t mean you have to let it.
You would still be NTA if you told them it’s not going to happen – that they are the reason y’all aren’t close enough for you to want it – and if they bring it up again you can & will have the wedding without them.
And then follow through with it.
(The trick to setting boundaries is to ALWAYS keep firm on them, and not give in. No matter if it’s dogs, kids or parents)
Just be ready for the consequences of setting boundaries. They might act out, freak out, cuss, boundary stomp some more and try to recruit family to talk you into it.
It’s all up to you, and how much you want them in your life.
Compromise suggestion: Why not have both your parents walk with you? It can symbolize your parent’s support. My mom’s brother walked her down and they explained it as him walking with her as she enters her new chapter.
I think in your case, where you aren’t close to your parents, it makes no sense for him to walk you down the aisle.
But for those who are close, I do like Jewish tradition where both parents walk their children down the aisle. So it isn’t (Oddly) patriarchal but more familial. It is more joining of families than “giving” someone away. (And it worked well at a wedding where the bride had two mothers, a lesbian couple).
It sounds like the bigger issue is the fact that you aren’t close to your parents, and you don’t seem to like them very much (which sounds justified). Do you think they’ll cause a scene during the wedding like your mom did when looking at the venue? is there anyone who you can assign as the person who walks them out if they lose control during the actual wedding?
If your dad was a great dad and his feeling were really hurt, I may say it’s worth giving him the walk down the aisle, but it sounds like he’s not a great dad and it’s your mom whose feelings are hurt, so ::Shrug:: NTA
Its your wedding, if your parents aren’t paying then you can go nc before the wedding. Sounds like that’s your plan anyways.
NTA – they obviously have known you felt this way since forever so what the surprise outburst. Sounds to me if you’re not close, why would your father expect you to suddenly change. No doubt you’ve stated many times in the past to them your reasons you don’t agree with it because its an “outdated tradition” of handing over ownership etc so them acting all upiddy over it just reinforces the old-fashioned opinions – they think you “owe” them for doing their job ie. being your parents. Kind of ironic no?