I (22F) am getting married to my fiancé (24M) next year and we’re in the middle of planning everything. We’ve just started figuring out the wedding party, and I’ve asked a few people to be my bridesmaids: one of our closest mutual friends and also his stepsister.
The issue is that my fiancé has a twin sister, and she recently found out (not from us, but through other people) that she’s not part of the bridal party. She texted my fiancé and said she was really hurt and confused, especially since we included his stepsister (who isn’t blood-related) but not her. She said she’s not trying to change our minds but just wanted to understand why and talk about it.
Here’s the thing, I’m honestly just a lot closer with his stepsister than with his twin. His stepsister and I have gotten pretty close over the years, and I see her as a real friend. His twin and I are friendly, but we’ve never really had a deep connection. We don’t talk much or hang out one-on-one. It’s not personal, I just didn’t feel like she was the right fit for my bridesmaids.
Now I’m feeling kind of guilty because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But I also feel like I should be allowed to choose the people I feel closest to, regardless of family dynamics. I didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal.
So… AITA?
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I (22F) am getting married to my fiancé (24M) next year and we’re in the middle of planning everything. We’ve just started figuring out the wedding party, and I’ve asked a few people to be my bridesmaids: one of our closest mutual friends and also his stepsister.
The issue is that my fiancé has a twin sister, and she recently found out (not from us, but through other people) that she’s not part of the bridal party. She texted my fiancé and said she was really hurt and confused, especially since we included his stepsister (who isn’t blood-related) but not her. She said she’s not trying to change our minds but just wanted to understand why and talk about it.
Here’s the thing, I’m honestly just a lot closer with his stepsister than with his twin. His stepsister and I have gotten pretty close over the years, and I see her as a real friend. His twin and I are friendly, but we’ve never really had a deep connection. We don’t talk much or hang out one-on-one. It’s not personal, I just didn’t feel like she was the right fit for my bridesmaids.
Now I’m feeling kind of guilty because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But I also feel like I should be allowed to choose the people I feel closest to, regardless of family dynamics. I didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal.
So… AITA?
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> I did not include my fiancé’s twin sister, despite including his step sister in my wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – it seems fair and reasonable to simply tell the twin that whilst the two of you are friendly, she is much closer with the step-sister. Ultimately your choice of bridesmaids is about the closeness of your relationship not the closeness of your blood.
What does “not the right fit” mean exactly? You are entitled to have who you want as your bridesmaids, but this is his twin sister. It would cost you nothing (bar a dress depending on which country) to include her and would go a long way to building strong family ties. I am leaning towards YTA because I suspect more is going on here than your post suggests.
I’ve seen many bridal/groomsmen? parties where a female is standing on the “grooms” side. Your future husband could realistically include her there or somewhere else in the wedding if y’all feel that’s necessary. It’s your right to choose who stands on your side & you being closer with his step sister is understandable. Definitely NTA here but mostly No-one’s the a-hole imo
NAH just be kind and polite about telling her and hopefully everything will be fine she seems like a very reasonable sounding woman and probably just feels a little left out! Maybe try to invite her to some wedding related events like picking flowers or looking for the wedding dress to create a good atmosphere
It’s your wedding so as you choose as you wish, as you say, ‘regardless of family dynamics’, but if anything is going to cause drama and perhaps longterm ill-feeling in the family, it’s leaving your fiance’s twin sister out of the wedding party. Some of the family will take sides and you are the one joining it and it does seem a bit mean since you say you are friendly enough with her. YTA and likely will suffer karma for your decision.
NTA but I probably would have spoken to her about it before she found out from someone else that she wasn’t included.
Can’t you add her also?
NTA I would be mortified before I asked someone why I wasn’t chosen to be part of their wedding party.
By doing this, she has created an issue where there was none. It sounds like she assumed she would be because it’s her brother’s wedding, not because you two are close.
Asking to talk about it suggests she wants to plead her case. Worst case scenario, she will resent the sister that was chosen and hold this against you forever. Creating a divide that will last forever and come up at the heart of every future disagreement.
Your fiancee should be handling this. It’s his sister, after all. This is a very delicate situation, and anything you say or do could blow up your entire relationship
NAH. Maybe your fiance could make her a grooms”man”.
Honestly, you should invite her to be a bridesmaid. NTA, but it is a nice thing to do and would honestly cost you nothing to make the gesture.
I wasn’t close with my husband’s sisters either but I still made them bridesmaids because I wanted them to feel included and I was joining their family. And my husband made my brother one of his groomsmen. They weren’t close either but it was important to me that my brother feel included.
I could see why she would be hurt by not being included – and just being another guest at your wedding when you’re marrying her brother.
A wedding isn’t just about the bride. It’s about a marriage between the bride and the groom… And the first thing to learn about marriage is that when you marry someone, you marry their family too.
A big part of marriage is learning when to compromise and when to pick your battles. This is an easy one.
YTA, anyone could see the rift that this would cause. You should have seen this coming and worked on your relationship with her as his twin. That’s such a close sibling bond and if you aren’t close with her, I suspect that’s not an accident. Which is why I think there is more to this.
You can have anyone you want in your wedding. She can be hurt and not come to the wedding. She can also tell people why she isn’t in the wedding party and why she isn’t there. IMO you messed up and just created family drama that’s going to affect your future dealings with his whole family. And you not seeing that makes YTA.
NTA
But you had to have seen this coming.
She would like to stand up for her twin. If they are close, that’s understandable. To be nice, you could add her, as long as you or he can come up with one more groomsman to pair her with.
NAH, its your wedding so you can do what you want but honestly I’ve been in the sister’s position. My future SIL has both my siblings in her wedding in some way and not me and so, I’m polite and nice to her for my brother sake but I’m not going to pursue a deeper relationship with her after they marry at all. I kinda feel like getting married is joining two families and I couldn’t imagine not having my BIL in my wedding back when I got married but as other commenters pointed out its your wedding and so its up to you what your wedding means to you.
That said, my brother’s ex-wife from his first marriage involved me more in their wedding and so as far as I’m concerned she tried more then his current girlfriend. She certainly wasn’t a better person but she definitely tried more with his family. It’s up to you how you want to set the tone of the relationship with his family. Just so you know while I shrugged off being excluded my two sisters who were involved kinda saw it as a rude move and started to distance themselves from her in many ways. I didn’t ask them to but I noticed. One didn’t even bother going to her bridal shower and didn’t get her a gift.
Considering you don’t have your own siblings and your fiancé doesn’t care, NTA. Wedding parties should be peaceful and joyful. I’ve never agreed with adding folks just to keep the peace or make people happy. It’s your wedding. And IF your fiancé cared i could see it being a discussion or her being in his party. But adding people just because will always be weird.
My mom had 32 people in her wedding party and doesn’t talk to a fraction of them lol.
NTA
You can chose however you like, the only thing to reflect on is that some of the choices we make, don’t just reflect who we already know and love, it also reflects on who we would like to know and love im the future. By excluding her because you currently don’t have a relationship, you’re kind of also implying that you don’t want one in the future either. There’s another option, either have your fiancé included her on the grooms side as she’s his twin. It apologise as you made the assumption he would, and include her on yours (not because of the relationship you do have, but for the one you hope to have while building a long and happy life with your husband to be)
NTA – it’s really poor taste to ask you why you didn’t choose her. I wouldn’t change my mind because imo it would send the right signal (complain you’re hurt = we do what you want).
On the other hand, I also understand her feelings. If they are close, she would have liked to be more included in her brother’s wedding.
NTA, Just text his twin sister that your bridesmaids consist out of close friends. One of them happen to be your fiance’s stepsister.
No obviously you’re NTA, you should be able to choose whoever you want, and others around you should have the grace to look at the situation and understand the reasons – and even if they are butt hurt, to keep it to themselves.
That said, people are bloody difficult, especially families. Sometimes you have to make compromises to keep the peace. If you don’t actively dislike the twin then maybe just make her a bridesmaid and that’ll smooth your path down the aisle.
For me personally I’m pretty over the bride only getting women and the groom only getting men to stand with them at their weddings. Like if he wants his sister there she should be, with him. You shouldn’t need to change your people. That being said, it might be easier to just let her be there to keep the peace.
Either way NTA
NTA. Can we stop the “not blood related” crap? Why does that matter when you are closer to that sister rather than his twin?
>But I also feel like I should be allowed to choose the people I feel closest to, regardless of family dynamics.
You should and you are. If you only want your bridesmaids to be people you usually hang out with, i.e. only want those people around during all the preparations and stuff for which bridesmaids are present, then that is your right.
>especially since we included his stepsister (who isn’t blood-related) but not her.
She said she’s not trying to change our minds but just wanted to understand why and talk about it.
Maybe she does not know how close you and stepsis have become? In that case it would certainly seem confusing to her that stepsis got asked. It is not at all unusual to not be part of the bride’s entourage if you are the groom’s sister, but stepsis being in there makes it different. Try to explain to her that you and stepsis are close, and that her being included is not because she is (step)family of the groom, but because of your relationship with her. If you’ve never hung out one-on-one with twin sis, it should be clear to twin sis that you don’t have that kind of relationship, and the fact that your own siblings are not part of the wedding party also shows that she isn’t being singled out to be excluded.
Maybe she will understand after you explain, and maybe she won’t, but if she makes a drama about it, that would be even more reason to not want her around during the special moments leading up to your wedding…
NTA.
INFO: Is there a reason why your fiancé didn’t ask your sister to stand up with him, rather than having her be a bridesmaid?
NAH
You’re allowed to pick (or not pick) whoever you want, no question.
At the same time, you’re marrying into this family. Sometimes families compromise. So two questions for you:
Once you’ve considered those questions, and what kind of relationship you want to have with his family after the wedding, you’ll have your answer.
NTA but the twin should be included because OP is marrying her other half. Unless they aren’t very close. She’s also likely to be a more important SIL than the stepsister since she also shares OPs fiancé’s birthday.
Bridesmaids are usually sisters and close friends, which the step sister is. He chooses the guys and she the girls, everybody knows that.
His twin sister? I think that you are TA. And so is your fiancé for not insisting that she be part of the wedding.
It’s your wedding, so you should have the final say so on who your maid of honor should have been. However, it would have been a nice gesture on your part if you could have made her one of your bridesmaids. But then again, the twin sister should not have been so sensitive about not being included either.
His bridal party is your people, your bridal party is your people. So much drama seems to come from people being forced to involve their partner’s relatives. Once you take gender out of the equation, its so much more simple.
So you chose his step sister and excluded his twin?? It’s not like you are only choosing your family members. Excluding twin is bad decision and you’ll face the backlash for rest of your marriage. There is no coming back from this.
NAH – I mean, it doesn’t sound like it’s a big deal, so why are you saying it is? The twin asked for your reasoning. So tell her that stepsister is a close friend to you and that you didn’t chose her because of the familial relation but because of the emotional closeness. I feel like you either overthinking this or you left out how upset the twin is
I’m leaning toward YTA.
What’s your fiance’s take on his twin?
YTA. Include his twin sister. If you don’t dislike her there’s no reason to be cruel. A wedding is about joining two families.
Its disingenuous that you didn’t see this coming.
It’s okay not to include the twin but it’s not a good look (aka the perception will inevitably be that you excluded her). Regardless of your reason, people may find it odd, assume there’s some drama about why she’s not included – which could be awkward for both of you. If you really don’t want her to be included as a bridesmaid could you find some other important role in the wedding especially if your fiancé and she are close (I.e. being the one to introduce you guys at the reception, or getting to say a speech/do a toast).
You’re not wrong to include her, but she’s also not wrong to feel left out. Maybe your fiancé could make space for her to stand up on his side with the groomsmen and her dress could match their vibe?
If I went to a wedding and the bride had the step sister but not the twin sister as a bridesmaid, I and most ppl I know would immediately assume there’s bad blood.
If step sis wasn’t a part of the wedding party then twin sis can pound sand, but the fact you’re having his non blood related sister in your party but not even his twin?
At the end of the day it’s your wedding party, but be prepared for this to cause drama
NAH
YTA.. it’s his twin.. enough said..
YTA. It’s going to sour your family relationships.
Hmm NTA but now you get to learn about family dynamics.
Will she be more upset if you explain that you’re not asking family to be bridesmaids, you’re asking friends? And you don’t see stepsister as his stepsister, you’re actually friends and asking her for that reason and you’re not asking any of your siblings because they’re not really your friends either?
She needs to understand that it is your wedding and not hers!!
sounds like she’s not “the right fit” for the drama either 😂
If I was a guest at your wedding and saw stepsister part of the bridal party but not twin sister, I would assume there is some bad blood or family drama happening. Most of your guests will notice and will talk about it.
It’s yours and your fiancés wedding so do what you two want but be prepared to be gossiped about by your nearest and dearest, it may even become a focal point of the wedding or the thing everyone remembers.
NTA. It’s his sister if he wants her in the bridal party he should make arrangements for it by either making her a groomswoman or asking you to include her on your side if you want to keep it traditional (as in only men with the groom and only women with the bride)
NAH… but the wedding is one day, the marriage will hopefully be decades. Think carefully about whether this is how you want things to start with his family.
YTA it’s your choice who you pick, but this move definitely makes you the asshole
NTA. Your bridal party should be about who you feel supported and uplifted by, having a pity possy would be so disingenuous.
YTA-I would add her now that shes upset. Honestly a lot of people view the bridal party as family should be included. It’s tradition in my family and most of my friends.
Y(and your fiance)TA unless there is a reason you dont want her to be involved in the wedding she should either be a ‘groomsmen’ or a bridesmaid, and her wanting to talk about it is very normal
Why isn’t your fiance making her a groomswoman? She’s not even related to you until after the wedding, let alone a lifelong beloved person of yours. If she’s hurt, it should be with her brother for not having her in his party.
If you have two bridesmaids and your siblings aren’t in the party, that’s different from having eight bridesmaids and she still didn’t make the cut.
Don’t phrase it in a way that suggests she doesn’t fit your vision or your aesthetic. Say ‘I wanted the two people I hang out with/know best, we’re keeping it small’ and then make sure she’s at the family table and close to her twin brother and that your siblings are close to you.
Yta it would cost you nothing to include the twin sister in your bridesmaid and its not a good look to have a stepsister in bridesmaid and not twin sister. Your already getting off on the wrong foot by excluding her and thus will create drama.
Im going to go with NTA. Weddings are one of the few times in our lives we are allowed to be a little bit selfish. And this doesn’t cross any lines beyond that. I would recommend coming up with a good explanation for the sister beyond “she isnt the right fit” though. There is likely to be drama otherwise.
She could be a groom’s woman
YTA. You’re shit-stirring and you’re not even married yet. Maybe fiancé will “see” you for who you really are before he makes a huge mistake. You have no reason not to include his twin — other than jealousy. Grow up.
NTA. You’re allowed to include or exclude whoever you want from your bridal party. The bridal party, is literally that, the bride’s entourage and having someone there you’ve not even hung out with one-on-one is only going to make it awkward for everyone.
Secondly, if you’re not including your own siblings you’re definitely not required to include her just to pacify your future family.
Please don’t fall under the pressure of future social obligations and overthrow your true needs in the matter. You won’t get to relive your wedding again, so do what you need and not what is expected of you.
Yikes, I mean, one but not the other, and not the twin? That feels like a bold statement.
You didn’t think it was going to be a big deal? Now you’re lying. You knew exactly how big of a deal it would be. Otherwise, you would have told her early on. My guess is she and step-sister don’t get along, and you’re taking sides.
I’m a twin and everyone views that as a linked dynamic in families they expect u to be there for every major thing front and centre. I get you want to choose and have the right to do so. However I recommend you reconsider if you want the attention on you not the questioning of beef between you and his twin trust me it will be all they talk about.
not the right fit bcs you do not know her well?
I am usually all for picking whom you want, also usually I do not even think women of the ‘his-side’ are a must to get picked as bridesmaid, but in this case, that does sounds a bit strange, like why not try to get to know here better? I didn’t see a reason given why not to try, I might have missed something.
Why not give her a grooms-maid position or…? It does sound strange to include his step-sister but not his ‘blood-sister’ if there is no real reason…
info for about why there is seemingly no try to get her to ‘fit’ your criteria (really? That is your criteria???)
Between the two of you—whether she stood on your side or his—you should have figured out a way to involve her in the wedding party. I was my brother’s ‘best man’ and didn’t go to his bachelor party or anything, but stood closest to the chuppah where a BM would go. My SIL had her sister as her MOH.
I can’t believe that you involved his stepsister but didn’t think to expect that his twin wouldn’t be hurt when she was excluded. You and your fiancé are both TAH.
NTA. He should have asked his twin to be apart of the grooms side. Plenty of men have women as grooms-women.
NTA you included the stepsister because she is your friend his twin is not. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Have a calm conversation with Twin Sister, let her know you’re having a small bridal party, that all your siblings aren’t part of it either.
Do understand where she might feel left out but if your own siblings aren’t included, she should understand.
You might think about having her do a reading at the ceremony. That way she would be participating & included in a separate way. Might even ask if she’d like to find a dress in similar color or style (not the same dress) as your bridesmaids.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA. But I’d advise you to stop saying she’s not the right fit and start saying we’re not close.
Not the right fit gives is a very triggering phrase it gives the impression there is an issue with this person
YTA.
For someone to find out through the grapevine that she will not be in her twin brother’s wedding is cowardly and immature.
Marriage is a long-game. I was married young too and do not regret for one second the kindness and inclusiveness I’ve shown my husband’s family over the years. It’s been reciprocated a thousand times over. You will go through all of life’s joys and heartbreaks together. Your children will grow up together. You will bury your grandparents and parents together. It’s not too late to repair this breech. Call your soon-to-be sister-in-law. Apologize profusely for the oversight. Invite her into your wedding party and into your life. Apologize to your fiancé too. This is the person closest to him in the world! You’ve made a misstep. Don’t double down on it. You’re not an asshole but if you don’t make this right you will be considered one for the rest of your life.
Why isn’t she standing with her brother? NTA, because not your issue. It’s his
YTA, more or less gently. If she hasn’t done anything wrong it’s weird to have one sibling and not the other.
NTA My half brother has been married twice. I was bridesmaid to his first wife, not to his second despite actually being closer to her. It sucks but no one is entitled to being in a bridal party
Yta bc all she did was express how she felt about finding it out & asked if she can talk to you about it to understand why. She didn’t even ask if you’d consider her to be a bridesmaid or change your mind, you could’ve literally told her all this to her face instead of trying to get attention on the internet about it.
Have the a Best Woman, instead of man.
Yeah, sorry, YTA. You have have to have some really strong reasons why other females on his side are included but not his twin, unless he specifically wanted to include her on his side. If you’re going by traditional gender split then yes, it’s extremely rude.
Ooooof. Big mistake. While you totally have the right not to choose her, you will regret it.
I was your age when I got married and I made certain to do 1 thing when planning the wedding. Make the important people feel included. I gained a sister that day.
You just told his twin sister that she is not important. At the wedding his whole family will see this. I promise you that half his family will be gossiping about this and not focusing on you.
YTA. You can do what you what to, but now you get to live with the consequences.
YTA this could be your chance to get close to her but you’re just dismissing her like she’s nothing.
So have a groomsmaid. I’m so sick of all this sexist bullshit.
You spend the whole day with your bridesmaids and they are the people who you are closest to in the world and who support you. You are not required to ask someone who does not fit that description.
NTA.
YTA. Tired of the whole “this is my day” thing. This is also the joining of two families, of taking the other person’s feelings into account. It’s his twin sister, for christsakes!
I agree, it’s escalation and a very shifty way to begin a lifetime union (again, get some distance from the “bride’s special day” mentality).
Maybe get his twin sister to do a reading with your sisters who also aren’t bridesmaids… Maybe she will understand then.
YTA. while you aren’t legally obligated to have his twin, you picked his other sister. This is going to be seen as a pointed move by family whether you want it to or not, and you just likely alienated his twin for life. So if you aren’t close to her now, you certainly never will be with so public a declaration of it.
YTA because you did put his step sister in the bridal party. You’re starting off your marriage by showing your in-laws they “aren’t the right fit.” Your friends who are bridesmaids will come and go in your life. Your SIL is with you forever, no matter what the fit. She’s not asking to be the maid of honor – just included.
NTA
“But I also feel like I should be allowed to choose the people I feel closest to, regardless of family dynamics.” .. THIS exactly
“I didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal.” … it isn’t. Don’t engage.
Yes YTA siblings are automatically included in bridal parties unless there’s a significant reason why not. This was a layup to keep things smooth and easy with his family and you fucked it up.