Hey Reddit, I need some perspective on something that happened recently. My partner and I celebrated our engagement with a small gathering of friends, and one of our couple friends’ daughter (7y/o) is going to be our flower girl because she loves both me and my partner dearly.
When we were all sitting around enjoying the party another friend of ours, who also has a daughter (1y/o) (but one who isn’t close to my partner), asked me in front of everyone if her daughter could also be the flower girl. I felt like this was more out of envy than a genuine request because she probably felt left out.
I didn’t respond to her question right away, because I felt it was an inappropriate thing to ask in front of the group, especially when we’d already made our decision, and not something I feel you ask someone. I feel like it was really rude and inconsiderate to spring that question on me like that.
Since the engagement party, she asked me to meet one-on-one, and I’m guessing she’s going to bring up her jealousy (displayed as being upset that she feels left out of the friend group) and probably the flower girl situation again. I’m just not sure how to handle it without it turning into an argument, and I don’t want to come off as rude, but at the same time, it’s hard to ignore how inappropriate I think her behavior was. I’m literally dreading meeting up with her because I do not think her daughter should be flower girl and cannot imagine how awkward this is going to be if I say no.
As a separate note, she does not let her child’s face anywhere on social media due to ai dangers, which is absolutely fair, however the thought of my wedding photos with an emoji over the kids face is not how I want my photos to look. I also feel a one year old is pretty freaking young to be walking down the aisle
So, Reddit, am I the asshole for feeling frustrated and angry about the flower girl situation and her general jealousy? Or am I leaving her out and should let her daughter be a flower girl?
Comments
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Hey Reddit, I need some perspective on something that happened recently. My partner and I celebrated our engagement with a small gathering of friends, and one of our couple friends’ daughter (7y/o) is going to be our flower girl because she loves both me and my partner dearly.
When we were all sitting around enjoying the party another friend of ours, who also has a daughter (1y/o) (but one who isn’t close to my partner), asked me in front of everyone if her daughter could also be the flower girl. I felt like this was more out of envy than a genuine request because she probably felt left out.
I didn’t respond to her question right away, because I felt it was an inappropriate thing to ask in front of the group, especially when we’d already made our decision, and not something I feel you ask someone. I feel like it was really rude and inconsiderate to spring that question on me like that.
Since the engagement party, she asked me to meet one-on-one, and I’m guessing she’s going to bring up her jealousy (displayed as being upset that she feels left out of the friend group) and probably the flower girl situation again. I’m just not sure how to handle it without it turning into an argument, and I don’t want to come off as rude, but at the same time, it’s hard to ignore how inappropriate I think her behavior was. I’m literally dreading meeting up with her because I do not think her daughter should be flower girl and cannot imagine how awkward this is going to be if I say no.
As a separate note, she does not let her child’s face anywhere on social media due to ai dangers, which is absolutely fair, however the thought of my wedding photos with an emoji over the kids face is not how I want my photos to look. I also feel a one year old is pretty freaking young to be walking down the aisle
So, Reddit, am I the asshole for feeling frustrated and angry about the flower girl situation and her general jealousy? Or am I leaving her out and should let her daughter be a flower girl?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) that I have not asked my friends daughter to be a flower girl
2)because she is clearly upset that we are part of the same friend group and I’ve asked one of the couples daughters but not hers
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. A 1yo is too little for that job.
NTA
The audacity of asking someone to make their child a part of a wedding instead of waiting to be asked.
Your wedding, your wedding party, your choice.
If she says something, just say you think it’s really inappropriate for her to ask. Tell her the decision has been made. Move on. If she gets butt hurt that’s her problem.
A 1 yr old is too young for that responsibility, even a very smart 1 yr old. They will more than likely get overwhelmed and throw a fit, or forget what they’re supposed to do. The added aspect of you having to change your wedding to be respectful of her no pictures online rule is another headache.
Just tell her the baby is too young.
NTA
NTA. Honestly, just say what you said in your post about the pictures and that you feel she’s too young for that. But yeah it’s pretty disrespectful to ask to be a flower girl or have any role in the wedding, to me it’s not something you ask for but have to be offered by the couple
NTA. 1 is way too young to be a flower girl, you already have one and don’t need two, and being in wedding is the ultimate example of “you don’t ask, you get asked.” You have to say no hopefully it won’t be too bad!
You have two very valid reasons to not include her – her age and social media stance.
If you want to preserve the friendship focus on those reasons. But if someone tried to bully me into making their kid a flowergirl I’d question my friendship.
Either way NTA.
Meet her for coffee. Tell her how you feel and tell her no.
NTA – Can the 1 year old even walk? It’s completely fair to not want an emoji censoring someone in your wedding photos, that would spoil it so much for me. Additionally, if you already have a flower girl, why is she even asking? Just tell her no. No matter what bullshit you have to throw in her face, make it clear it is not happening.
Even if you get married in 2 years time, your friend’s daughter still would be too young to be an actualflower girl. I had an honorary flower girl which was 2 at the time but she was our niece and she was just sitting on her mom’s lap. I think she asked in front of everyone so she can pressure you to say yes. NTA, your friend is.
NTA. As a mom, 1 is way too young to be a flower girl. She hasn’t even been walking a whole year yet. Also it is incredibly rude to ask you. It’s your wedding, it’s your decision. I would just tell her straight up “I really don’t appreciate that you asked that in front of our group of friends. It was inappropriate and rude. I already have chosen a flower girl and I wasn’t planning on having two, not to mention your daughter just started walking, and can not follow simple instructions yet.”
NTA. It’s your wedding. You guys made the call for the other flower girl (which is more age appropriate), and she for some reason feels like she’s entitled to have her daughter be involved in your big day.
Maybe she should feel entitled at home with her 1y/o on…… what date’s your wedding again? Lmaoooo XD Seriously though. Confront her like you plan and tell her no. She’s in the wrong here. If she makes a big ole scene, bye bye invitation imo! 🙂
NTA, it was rude to ask! It’s like someone asking if they can be a bridesmaid…or worse, if their sister who you don’t know that well can be a bridesmaid. If she asks, you can say that you and your partner have decided on having just 1 flower girl and someone who is close with you both. If she presses, then you can bring up the age and social media stuff, but I would lead with how you are just having 1 flower girl.
NTA. Most one year olds are too unpredictable to be up to the task. I also think it’s a lot to ask of the seven year old to share her role if that wasn’t established before. Let the other flower girl have fun without having to worry if she needs to check on if a toddler is keeping up with doing what they are supposed to do.
You can say you were surprised by her request at your party. “You caught me off guard. The wedding party is something that (grooms name) and I will choose.”
NTA. ‘Hi, I appreciate the offer to have your little one as our flower girl, however we have already chosen a flower girl’.
Honestly, having a 1yo as a flower girl sounds cute but it could go sideways quickly.
NTA if she asks just say no.
NTA I’d just tell her that her daughter is too young to be flower girl and refuse to discuss the matter further.
Bail out of the meeting.
NTA. It takes a lot of kahunas to ask someone for their child to be in a wedding. You brought up how she feels she’s being left out. That’s not your problem/issue to deal with. If she feels that way, she needs to figure it out. Let her know you & your partner discussed having one flower girl & you both have already chosen her.
‘Sorry, she’s a bit young and I already promised so-and-so she could do it.’ If she doesn’t like that, then that sounds like a her problem not a you problem. Is her continuing friendship worth the stress? NTA.
A 1-yr-old is too young to be a flower girl. That’s enough to explain why the answer is, and will always be, NO.
one year old is not suitable for flower girl
NTA.
“ Friend, while I value our friendship, I felt really uncomfortable and disrespected that you would ask me in front of everyone for your daughter to be a flower girl. Well, I think your daughter is lovely, she is one years old and that is far too young to be given wedding duties. And due to not being able to show her face online, I would be uncomfortable having her photographed. And, in the future, if I do not ask you, do not bring it up.”
Has this world gone utterly bonkers?
The child is ONE YEAR OLD. She cannot possibly be a flower girl. She is too young to understand what a flower girl even is, let alone what she needs to do!
OP, you said this woman wants to meet with you one-on-one, presumably to discuss this bizarre idea. Honestly, I would have trouble hiding my contempt if she raises the subject again.
I would probably say something like “Don’t be ridiculous. Your daughter is a baby. She is still in diapers. She cannot yet form sentences longer than two words. The only way she could possibly fulfill the duties of a flower girl is if an adult is pushing her down the aisle and nudging her into position at the right time. Presumably, the person you have in mind for that job is yourself. So why don’t we just cut out the middleman and make you the flower girl? Although I’m not sure you’ll fit into the tiny flower girl dress.”
Yeah, she’d probably walk out of the room in a huff and never speak to me again. Problem solved. I don’t even have to invite her to the wedding.
Why do OPs write into Reddit referring to these people as “friends”? What kind of friends behave like this?
NTA.
Her: can my daughter be a flower girl?
You: oh. I thought you wanted to meet up so that you could apologize for being rude & inappropriate at our engagement party. However the answer is no. We have planned how we want our day to go & are not comfortable changing it up to please other people.
Heck, I’ve seen 5 year olds freeze, refuse to move & start crying when their actual moment comes. A 7 year old is perfect! NTA
NTA, a one year old is too young to be able to handle the responsibilities of being a flower girl.
NTA. It would be tricky if the kid were 7 as well, but 1? She (your friend) is making it about herself in a really obnoxious and selfish way.
And I’m not usually one for worrying about photo aesthetics but that emoji thing would bug me too.
A one year old or two year old is not an appropriate choice for flower girl. Toddlers are too unpredictable. What if the kid has a meltdown and delays the wedding? The friend is way out of line for pushing this. Be clear, “Our plans are set and we can’t accommodate your request.”
That child is a baby and shouldn’t be put in a situation where she has to perform. It wouldn’t be at all fair to put her in this position. Your “friend” sounds cracked. NTA
A 1 yr old will not remember the experience at all. Her mother wants this for herself to show off her kid. The 7 yr old would end up babysitting the younger one down the aisle, and that ruins her special moment.
I don’t see a single positive argument why you should cater to the whims of anyone else on your wedding day.