My husband (40 M) and I (38 F) had our first baby 5 weeks ago. She is doing great and healthy, but is only 5 weeks old. She needs to eat every 2-3 hours, and is too young to sleep through the night. Due to medical reasons, I had to have a c-section and am still recovering from that because it is a major surgery. My husband and I live in Texas, but his side of the family all live in Ohio. They are flying out to meet the baby next week, but there is a town festival (called the “Ox Roast”) in my husband’s hometown this weekend. He told me weeks ago he would really like to go to it, but she (our daughter) is too small to fly and I would have to watch her by myself for the entire weekend if he goes. I don’t feel physically ready and the thought of having to watch her without any help for a weekend scares/concerns me. I have told him this every time he brings the topic up, but he keeps telling me to figure it out and find help so he can go. Today when he got home from work, he told me he had bought airplane tickets and is flying out by himself on Saturday morning. I still don’t have any help, and said it feels like he is abandoning us by going. We got in a huge fight and are currently at a stalemate. What should I do?
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NTA in any way shape or form. You are only 5 weeks postpartum and as you said had major abdominal surgery. I could maybe understand if he was going for a legitimate reason (work, family emergency, etc.) But a festival is for fun. It shows very little care or empathy towards what you just went through and are going through. He should be putting you and baby first.
If he wanted to go so bad why is it on you to “figure it out?” He is more than capable of helping you find help if he wanted to. It’s not your responsibility to cater to his having fun right now nor should that be top of mind, in my opinion.
He has a lot to learn about what being a father truly means and the sacrifices that come with it.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, especially at a vulnerable time.
NTA. Your husband is a huge AH. Just telling you to “figure it out” is a super dick move in and of itself, but I cannot fathom what is going on in this man’s head that he thinks it’s ok to leave his wife alone with a newborn to go to something so insignificant. My guess is, he wants a break (and maybe to have a fling) and doesn’t care about what you’re going through.
I’d be figuring out how to do without him on a regular basis if I were you. Yes, most men pick your most vulnerable times to start showing their asses. NTA.
NTA.
Your husband is a selfish asshole and he’s a total FAILURE as a husband and a father. He’s putting partying like he’s a single man over his injured wife and newborn kid. C Sections take 12 weeks to heal from. They are major surgery. You shouldn’t be left alone to care for a newborn so early.
If he goes. Change the locks. File for divorce. Throw all his stuff on the curb. He doesn’t deserve a family to come home too.
Holy hell what a selfish jerk. You are 100% NTA, you guys just had a kid and his priorities are to make you do all of the work and skip bonding time. It’s a bit too late but if I were you I’d be seriously questioning my relationship. I’m sure that event happens every year. There’s no reason he should be leaving. You don’t get 8 weeks off after having a kid via c section for fun. It’s a major surgery and you should have help, he’s just being careless and irresponsible.
NTA. Covid is still around. Out of state visitors will be enough stress on your baby’s immune system and then to leave you solo to prep for his family?? WTF.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband to not go visit his family, and threatened that if he does go I might file for divorce. Am I overreacting and should I just suck it up? I feel like he should be the one meeting our needs and he is being selfing, but I am not sure.
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Tell him the ticket should be a one way. Totally selfish AH that you married. edited: spelling
HE should be the one figuring it out!!!
NTA. Honestly, this is shitty enough behavior that you should talk to a lawyer while he’s gone. Figure out what your options are. From there, consider making marital counseling a requirement for staying in the marriage.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It is not wrong for you to need him to stay- it IS wrong for him to ask to leave. You are not the “problem”. You both had a baby, and you are recovering from surgery-that fact means that he cannot go out of town right now. You are simply the messenger of that fact, so it is easier to blame you or pretend like that isn’t the case.
Also- what does he want you to figure out? If HE is leaving, then HE needs to find coverage/help. His actions show that he sees you as the parent, and him as the helper. That is not ok either.
What do his parents have to say about this? Would his mom be ok with him leaving his postpartum wife and 5 week old? Sharing this with her, and that you are not ok with it, could be another thing to try.
You are powerful and amazing- you grew and brought a new person into the world. YOU GO MAMMA!!!
You are going to be a married, single mom. He doesn’t care about you or the child you made together. This is just the beginning. You are responsible for the baby, not him. He will continue to live his life and do what he wants. Whereas you would have to schedule your life around the child.
Your husband is leaving…really?
I’m sorry. I just cannot fathom how you’re not going to resent him for this.
C sections are no joke. Caring for a newborn is no joke. Put those 2 things together, and it becomes hell.
I hope you show your husband the results of this post. He is going to get crucified.
NTA. At five weeks post c section you’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby. I couldn’t lift my baby and the car seat so if I needed to go anywhere I needed my husband’s help. You’re absolutely right that he shouldn’t be leaving you right now and the fact that he would even think of going after you told him you didn’t want him to is a real asshole move on his part.
NTA this seems weird. I could see him feeling kinda bummed for missing out but to be willing to go anyway and fight over it? For a small town ox roast festival?
Also when you decide to become a parent it’s part of the deal that you can’t just do whatever you want.
You should post this in an appropriate forum for relationship advice.
NTA but your husband sure is! You had MAJOR SURGERY and you have a newborn!!! WTAF, he needs to put his family first.
My brother was born during hunting season and my father still went after his birth. He got shit from his hunting buddies about coming late, and he left my mother with a newborn and THREE ADDITIONAL children, 8,7, and 5. My grandmother was with her but still I can’t believe he did that.
And he missed my brother’s birthday EVERY YEAR to go hunting, it was really hurtful to him.
Call his parents and tell them what he’s thinking of doing. Yeah, it’s tattling, but he needs tattled on. If his parents are worth their weight, they’ll tell their wayward son to buck up and help raise his kid.
NTA.
Omg, you are so NTA. You just had a BABY and MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Your husband is the asshole!
NTA your husband is a huge dick! You are still recovering from major surgery, he’s dismissed your feelings and concerns, all he’s shown you is what it is going to be like for the rest of your life. He will always put his needs first
1st thing’s first – YOU ARE NTA!!!!
If your husband is so dead set on going to this event that he could clearly go next year to, then why isn’t HE finding someone to help you? So you have to take care of the baby all by yourself, deal with getting your own food, not getting any sleep, still in pain, hormones crazy, while he goes and has a fulfilled weekend with his family and YOU have to also find help. Talk about zero clue.
YOU grew the human. YOU had major surgery. YOU are still recovering. I’m sorry. He has to suck it up and either keep his butt home and help his wife and the child he helped create or HE can take care of all the details of getting you help and making sure you don’t suffer in any way while he’s gone.
I’m not sure what the consequences should be for this abhorrent behavior. Maybe someone else has a great idea. But there should be consequences.
NTA. They say having a baby changes everything, and this is one of those things that changes— when you’re a parent, you can’t just run off and do things like you used to. Your first and most important responsibility is to the family you created. It seems your husband has yet to realize this, and I’m truly sorry that you’re in this situation.
Also, why is he putting it on you to find help for while he’s gone? That’s not okay. He’s the one abandoning his responsibilities as a father and husband, so if he is going to go on this trip (which he absolutely should not), the burden of making up for his absence should be entirely on him.
Please show him your post OP so he can see all the comments. I can’t imagine that anyone with any sort of basic sensibilities is going to side with him in this.
NTA!! As a mother of two, I would have murdered my husband if he’d even considered something like this, let alone told me to “figure it out”. Thankfully he was smart enough to never do anything like that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁
NTA. First off, you married someone from Ohio, Mantua at that. Ohio sucks. Second, if he does decide to go, let him know he can stay there because there’s no need to come back with his family & see you if he cares so much about a ONE DAY FESTIVAL. For real, ask him if he’d be ok leaving you if you had a bowel resection or another abdominal surgery and we’re not supposed to lift things over a certain weight. Who’s going to be magically cleaning the house for his family to visit? Doing all that “fun” stuff. Tell him to grow up and he has a FAMILY now and if he’s going to leave you hanging with a NEWBORN to fly states away when there could still be complications at any point, tell him to stay there.
Signed,
-Someone who was forced to grow up in Ohio and finally escaped.
NTA. It won’t get better.
NTA. You just had a C-section and are taking care of a five week old baby, and all he can think about is himself. That is appalling. There will be another “Ox Roast” next year – he can suck it up and miss this one. does he always do stuff like this? This is a major red flag. When you’re at your most vulnerable, your partner should be there for you. Him being willing to leave you alone without help and a newborn is alarming.
My husband had a mandatory work trip when I was 6 weeks post c-section and I only survived because my mom came to stay with me and we hired a doula. 0/10 recommend. He is TA
You need an attorney for a proper roast. This is not a man worth keeping. NTA
NTA, but I would honestly divorce him for even asking about going. Is he usually this inconsiderate?!
HE IS THE ONLY ASSHOLE.
Honestly, if my husband did this the only thing he’d find when he returned would be divorce papers.
Say nothing else to him, when he’s gone pack your things and the baby’s thing and be gone!
NTA. Don’t be there when he gets back. When you become a parent, you have to miss a few things. I’m sure that exact festival will be there next year
NTA. You’re 5 weeks out from major surgery + have a newborn baby. If he wanted to go that badly, it was on him to “figure it out.”
NTA. Does his family know?
NTA but he and his hometown side piece sure are! He promised her things wouldn’t change after you had his baby so he’s gotta go. Run, girl, run. Don’t be there when he gets back.
I don’t think your an asshole but I also don’t think it’s a big deal for him to go away for a weekend. I was always the one getting up for the baby anyway and come to think of it did everything by myself. Being a parent isn’t for the faint of heart.
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NTA.
Change the locks. Find a lawyer.
NTA – gently, do you want this to be your life? This is your first and he is already doing this. What happens when you have your second? When it’s her birthday and he would rather go out with friends. When you’re sick and need help and he tells you to figure it out?
INFO – did he want kids? That would be my only major inquiry. If not, and if he was transparent that this is your kid, then YTA and he has every right to go.
This is appalling behavior on your husband’s part. My husband had to travel for a funeral when our first was that age and it was really tough being alone for days with an infant. Basically every moment he wasn’t actively at a funeral event or sleeping, he was calling to check on me to make sure I was ok and keep me company. NTA
He is abandoning you, and he’s abandoning his child. Not only do you (both of you, including him) have a newborn, you are trying to recover from major abdominal surgery.
I don’t think your relationship can recover from this, if he goes.
NTA
NTA. At 5 weeks you haven’t even been medically released by your doctor!
NTA but you do need to figure out how to get out of this marriage. At this point you shouldn’t be lifting anything heavier than your baby and he is leaving you alone and telling you to figure it out so he can check notes go to a hometown festival which I believe is code for hang out and have fun. His family is coming to visit so he can’t even use that as an excuse.
It will be much easier on you when you only have one child’s tantrums to deal with. Your baby will eventually grow out of those.
NTA He’s being selfish by not listening to what you need.
NTA but your husband is! His priorities are out of whack. It never ceases to amaze me how men (in particular) minimize c-section surgeries and the time to heal from them!
Wow, he’s so clueless and insensitive.
NAH.
He can ask. And you can like or not like it.
He probably shouldn’t have bought those tickets because you’ve expressed a want for him to stay, so he is falling into AH territory now, but he probably feels very useless with the baby and is struggling to see your side of things.
You have other options. Can you invite a girl friend to come by for a short visit while you nap and shower, or just to come and watch something new on Netflix with you and ’help hold the baby’ and hang out?
So, your husband is showing you that this festival is higher on his priority list than you or your daughter.
This is the time he should WANT to be at home to be bonding with the baby, but he would rather fuck of to a festival for a weekend. Disgusting man. NTA.
That’s really selfish of him to go by himself. This is a problem that he should be more involved in solving since he created it. You are not ready to travel. The baby is too young to travel and really the baby is too young to be “meeting people” this is just way too soon for all this to be happening. What is he thinking? He needs to solve this problem not you.
If I (the husband) did this, my wife would tell my mum and then both my mum and dad would immediately call me and tear strips off me.
NTA but while I usually don’t tell people they need a village, in your case I think you’re going to need people around you for more than just this occasion.
You might be shocked how much better it is with help and without him.
Wow.
How on earth does he live with himself?
What a selfish AH.
It’s not going to get any better.
I’d be visiting a lawyer. Who needs a useless waste of space like this AH around?
NTA, you aren’t supposed to do anything strenuous or lift anything till AT LEAST 6 weeks postpartum, and that’s after being checked by your midwife/doctor. He can wait till next year. This is one of the many joys of having children – they come first for the next 10-18 years, at least! 😂
Tell him to stay wherever he feels he needs to be. You don’t need a part time partner. Also, if he doesn’t want to support his wife and child, then what is his purpose, and it won’t get better moving forward. You have a person that is selfish and only cares about himself and his needs. Sorry to say this, but, he has a ton of red flags going around and you have a man that has defined gender roles and you will be a second-class citizen with this person. You are in for a lot of hurt in your future.
If my husband had left me after going through it, you had to go through just to have your beautiful daughter to go play with his friends and family😳🙄 I would tell him to make sure he packs all of his clothes, cause he’s not welcome back at home.
Currently three weeks post partum/ c section birth. I would divorce him. You are NTA.
Don’t know what you can do, if you don’t have family or a close friend you trust and can ask to stay the weekend to help out, but damn, ypur husband is selfish fuck. You’re still months away from being fully recovered from not only labor, but 9 months of pregnancy AND major abdominal surgery – AND you have to care for a newborn. He’s a selfish asshole. Hard. HARD NTA.
NTA – you are still recovering which he would know if he paid any attention when your doctor gave your discharge instructions, or if he knew how to look stuff up on the internet.
Generally, full recovery from a C-section takes about 6 weeks if there are no complications, but healing time can vary.
For the first 3-6 weeks, avoid lifting anything heavier than your baby.
You should avoid driving for at least 2 weeks, and possibly up to 6 weeks, depending on your individual recovery and your doctor’s advice.
IMO – he should not be leaving you on your own while he goes on a trip.
You should take care of your kid. You will be fine.
NTA, this is disgusting behavior on his part. You’re physically recovering from delivering his child and staying home to care for you both shouldn’t even be a question.
Oh WOW! First of all, you probably ought to find help before having us confirm what you already know. Second, I don’t know all the context here, but you’re definitely NTA just because he obviously is one. I can imagine scenarios where at 5 weeks there could be differing opinions and some sulking, but he just basically said F you and that baby. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. I don’t really know what else to say. I know you have other things on your plate at the moment, but you need to start coming up with a plan B…for life. It’s a lot to tell someone to run based off a post like this, but it’s not looking good girl. Make sure you have options. If you’re not ready to go right now, have a plan ready for when you are. Regardless of the dynamic, or who is right or wrong, those are the words of a man who doesn’t care anymore (if he cared to begin with).
NTA, i am sorry you are going through this, and your husband ITA
NTA this is heartbreaking to read. Husband needs a serious come to Jesus meeting. Get his mother or father to tell him to grow up and act right.
One way tickets?
Your husband is an asshole.
NTA
Tell him welcome to parenting, where you put family needs ahead of personal needs much of the time (especially when a newborn is involved). He needs to grow up and realize that you’re asking for help. Dealing with a newborn, especially after a C section, is no easy task.
NTA