M and I have been best friends since we were 5 and are very close in a group of 4 girls and it’s a given we are each others bridesmaids (M has asked me, I plan on doing so once wedding date is set).
M got engaged whilst pregnant in 2024 to her partner of 4 years and whilst on maternity leave has booked her wedding date for October 2026. I got engaged to my partner of 13 years in April 2025.
I wanted a Christmas 2025 wedding but with little time to plan we have decided on spring 2026 (no date set- currently viewing venues/deciding). I found out today from other friends I am expected to ask M’s permission to marry first and irrespective, she is incredibly angry that I’ll be getting married (or plan to) in 2026 as it’s “her wedding year”.
I am planning her hen-do for June 2026 and she’s also livid at the suggestion my wedding might be a few weeks before her hen. M has expressed she doesn’t care about how selfish she is being, as she was single for a long time and it’s her wedding, finally her time, about her, and that she will not speak to me about it because I should have the good grace to speak to her privately before making any plans or booking my wedding.
I dont have any family support financially, no mother to come wedding dress shopping with me and none of my close 3 friends are all that fussed by my engagement. It’s ok with me- I’m excited to marry my partner and start our family. I felt hurt about the lack of energy/interest initially but I chalk it up to everyone being busy (M has a nearly 1 year old, other friend is 7 months pregnant and the other lives abroad now). I do find wedding planning tough because it highlights the severity of my dysfunctional family on a day that does focus on the role of your parents, which they know.
But now I feel so sad that I’m in this situation. I’ve been called coy and cagey and I think the impression is I’m being sneaky or secretive. That was never my intention- I just don’t have anything to confirm yet and I also feel shy and awkward about being “me me me” when everyone has very important things in their life.
There has also been comments made that M thinks I am going to copy her wedding dress (we have similar tastes but having gone wedding dress shopping with M and was there was she found the one- I would never in a million years do this. I’m heartbroken at the suggestion M thinks this is something I would do.)
I don’t know what to do- I don’t want to compete with someone I love over a wedding day. I am excited and involved in all aspects of her day (insofar as she has told me or wants to discuss). I’m less forthcoming about my own wedding because nothing is booked yet and so little progress has been made aside from a general idea of when we want to marry, which is important to us in terms of also starting a family.
AITA for not being more forthcoming about the possibility of being married first? WIBTA if I don’t bring it up with her as she expects me to?
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M and I have been best friends since we were 5 and are very close in a group of 4 girls and it’s a given we are each others bridesmaids (M has asked me, I plan on doing so once wedding date is set).
M got engaged whilst pregnant in 2024 to her partner of 4 years and whilst on maternity leave has booked her wedding date for October 2026. I got engaged to my partner of 13 years in April 2025.
I wanted a Christmas 2025 wedding but with little time to plan we have decided on spring 2026 (no date set- currently viewing venues/deciding). I found out today from other friends I am expected to ask M’s permission to marry first and irrespective, she is incredibly angry that I’ll be getting married (or plan to) in 2026 as it’s “her wedding year”.
I am planning her hen-do for June 2026 and she’s also livid at the suggestion my wedding might be a few weeks before her hen. M has expressed she doesn’t care about how selfish she is being, as she was single for a long time and it’s her wedding, finally her time, about her, and that she will not speak to me about it because I should have the good grace to speak to her privately before making any plans or booking my wedding.
I dont have any family support financially, no mother to come wedding dress shopping with me and none of my close 3 friends are all that fussed by my engagement. It’s ok with me- I’m excited to marry my partner and start our family. I felt hurt about the lack of energy/interest initially but I chalk it up to everyone being busy (M has a nearly 1 year old, other friend is 7 months pregnant and the other lives abroad now). I do find wedding planning tough because it highlights the severity of my dysfunctional family on a day that does focus on the role of your parents, which they know.
But now I feel so sad that I’m in this situation. I’ve been called coy and cagey and I think the impression is I’m being sneaky or secretive. That was never my intention- I just don’t have anything to confirm yet and I also feel shy and awkward about being “me me me” when everyone has very important things in their life.
There has also been comments made that M thinks I am going to copy her wedding dress (we have similar tastes but having gone wedding dress shopping with M and was there was she found the one- I would never in a million years do this. I’m heartbroken at the suggestion M thinks this is something I would do.)
I don’t know what to do- I don’t want to compete with someone I love over a wedding day. I am excited and involved in all aspects of her day (insofar as she has told me or wants to discuss). I’m less forthcoming about my own wedding because nothing is booked yet and so little progress has been made aside from a general idea of when we want to marry, which is important to us in terms of also starting a family.
AITA for not being more forthcoming about the possibility of being married first? WIBTA if I don’t bring it up with her as she expects me to?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven’t been forthcoming recently and have changed my mind a few times about what type of wedding I want and where (city vs countryside). The lack of updating them on my thoughts is possibly giving the impression that I am being duplicitous or sneaky by trying to get married first.
I could be coming off as competitive too by keeping things to myself but it’s a shyness and lack of belief they care that is causing me to do this- not because I ever thought I was doing something wrong by getting married as soon as practicable so I can start trying for children.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You absolutely do not need to ask your friend’s permission to get married before her, or to get married at all. You do not need her to OK your dress, or decor or venue. Her life event doesn’t mean that you (or any other member of the group) has to put your life on hold. The fact that your friend ground thinks this is even remotely reasonable is a red flag parade that the dynamic of this group is not healthy.
If M were even half as considerate of you as you are of her, you wouldn’t need to write this post. NTA
NTA. I’d have some sympathy for M’s position if you were getting married less than a month apart and it might put some stress on mutual friends to attend and buy gifts for both weddings.
It’s wild to me that people are trying to claim a whole week for their birthday (or even a whole month when it’s a milestone birthday) or a whole year for their wedding. The world doesn’t stop revolving for your celebration – everyone around you is also getting older, falling in love, hitting life milestones like graduations, etc. Expecting nobody else to celebrate for an extended period around your celebration is astonishingly self centered in a rather literal sense – you’re expecting everyone else’s lives to revolve around you and your celebration, not just on the day of your celebration, but for mind-blowingly long periods.
You don’t have to ask your best friend to marry unless you’re marrying your best friend…what. No one gets to claim a whole year for their wedding. NTA
NTA. M is not asking for anything reasonable here. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get married but your own. You can choose any date you wish. If you’re very close to someone, it’s good to coordinate so you’re not within a week or two of each other, but even that is only because you’d both wish to be at each other’s weddings. Otherwise, anything goes.
Anyone who’s lived to their 30s has been through those spans of years when it seems like you’re always going to a wedding. Imagine if among all close friends and interconnected close friend circles, y’all can only have 1 wedding a year. Some people would be engaged for decades waiting their turn. It’s obviously nonsense.
OP, just continue acting like a normal, mature adult planning a wedding. Announce your engagement just as you normally would, choose your date and venue as you normally would, send out invitations as usual. If she finds something to be hurt about she can talk to you. Otherwise, just move forward.
I don’t get this thing about people claiming a “Wedding Year” like they own it and no one else is allowed to marry in that 12 months time. WTF!!!??? There are 12 months in a year and 365 days, give it a break people, there’s plenty of opportunities for weddings, celebrations, anniversaries, births. How small minded and petty we’ve become. Be happy for each other, how much effort can that possibly take and what can it hurt?
NTA your ‘friend’ is being ridiculous. Hopefully, you find someone more supportive.
In my friend group, two if us are getting married in the same weekend, one day after the other. We set the date with our respective partners that worked for our lives, and it is a fun coincidence it’s the same weekend. Our friend group laughed, and are thrilled for a very fun weekend! This is how it should be. A wedding year is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
Sounds like you know this problem would get better if you’d find more things to share about your own wedding to change the way you are coming across. NTA but you could improve.
NTA no one gets a “wedding year” they get a wedding DAY. That’s it. The world doesn’t revolve around her.
M does not dictate other people’s lives. Including when they get married.
Whether your wedding is a month, a week, or days before hers, it will never overshadow her day. Just like her wedding won’t overshadow yours, even if she has it before.
You are NTA.
She needs a reality check that she won’t be the only person on the planet getting married in 2026. Most likely, she won’t be the only one on her chosen date either.
NTA. There’s no such thing as dibs on a wedding year. Thats insane.
A wedding is 1 day. A marriage is, ideally, the rest of your life. Wonder which one of you will be divorced a few years from now for being such an exhausting, entitled person?
That won’t be you — NTA.
Congratulations on 13 years—wishing you many, many more happy years!
Your friend is pregnant I assume if she’s planning on getting married during her maternity leave. Her hormones are all over the place and she’s not acting or thinking rationally, not an excuse just a warning that the crazy might get crazier.
I would write her an email. “I know you’re having some feelings about my wedding and have discussed them with others while stating that I am being disrespectful….. I find this to incredibly hurtful.
I haven’t got an exact date for my wedding yet because xyz and I are still looking. I would love to be sharing my excitement with my wedding with you as I am really excited for yours. I will tell you when it is but I will not be asking for your permission.
I know what your dress looks like, so picking the same one won’t happen because I don’t want my dress to look like yours either.
I don’t want to fall out over wedding stuff because I am happy and excited that both of us have found the love of our lives and I can’t wait to see you as you say I do, but I will not be dealing with unreasonable and unrealistic expectations for my wedding. I would love for you to treat my wedding with the excitement and respect I have shown yours.”
I’ve never heard of anything more ridiculous than requiring my friend to give me her permission to get married before she does. She sounds extremely insecure and manipulative to me. I’m at a loss as to how to even try to talk to her. I was once told you can’t reason with “stupid,” and she’s acting stupid. There’s no doubt in my mind that she will manipulate all of her friends to take sides as well and you’ll be hurt in the end. I don’t know if she’s some kind of narcissist or just feels she’s entitled to run people’s lives. I’m pretty old and have been around a lot of people, but I’ve had to let some friendships go because they are toxic. This girl is toxic. Her husband to be better pick out a leash he likes because it will be around his neck for life. She’s either mentally ill or a major control freak, and you may be best to walk away from her. You can try to sit down and talk and explain why you chose the date that you did, and it’s not a competition in any way. I doubt she’ll understand it, as I don’t think she’s capable of understanding anything about anyone else. She sounds like a 2 yo. If you give in to her bullshit, you realize that you’ll need her permission to start a family as well. So, how much of your life do you want to let her control? Maybe you could talk to a counselor as I know you like her and your other friends and don’t want to lose them. I’m just too old to put up with anyone’s bullshit and certainly not hers.
NTA, the only people you need to consult with on the date is you and your fiance. No one else gets a say. She didn’t ask your permission before setting her date.
Have your wedding when you want. It’s not … it’s ridiculous to think that you can’t get married in the same YEAR! She doesn’t have the right to tell you a damn thing. You can have your wedding on the same day, if you want to… I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did. It may be time to cut ties. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get married, and if she doesn’t like it, she can go pound salt!
Not the AH. This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. M has no entitlement to the YEAR ffs!!
NTA. It sounds like she wants all the attention fr her wedding “year” but she needs to realize, with the exception of maybe moms and close family, most people really are not that invested in your wedding. You get a wedding DAY. Maybe even a few days if you have other wedding related events. My husband was a best man in his friends wedding two weeks before ours and it’s cool to share a close anniversary. We plan to get our families together for an anniversary trip some time.
I’m glad I don’t have friends like that
Honestly you waited 13 years. Elope then plan the big wedding or don’t. But she’s not your friend.
M sounds like a bi*ch. Get a new friend.
Babe – M is crazy.
NTA. Dump this friend.
Nta. We set our wedding date for our 10th anniwersary, 1,5 year in adwance. We were first but it was 6 wedding , all friends, some dont even know second half before We had a date. I was a bit nervous that someone will have this same dress but thats it. No drama, no asking for permision, wdf is wedding year?
NTA- tell her to take a flying leap
Good grief!!! Wedding YEAR??? That’s ridiculous.
My best friend married in May, and I got married in September of the same year. We think it’s great to share the same number wedding anniversary each year.
NTA.