basically, sister made her wedding child free. Not at all a problem for me, totally respect it. I have a toddler, so I arranged to send a gift instead.
Well, I just saw pictures online, and her best friend was there, with her 6 month-old baby in a sling! I’m honestly hurt. I confronted my sister and she said, “It’s different, she’s basically family.”
I told her that was a slap in the face and now she says I’m being dramatic and selfish. so AITA?
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basically, sister made her wedding child free. Not at all a problem for me, totally respect it. I have a toddler, so I arranged to send a gift instead.
Well, I just saw pictures online, and her best friend was there, with her 6 month-old baby in a sling! I’m honestly hurt. I confronted my sister and she said, “It’s different, she’s basically family.”
I told her that was a slap in the face and now she says I’m being dramatic and selfish. so AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> so I chose not to attend my sister’s wedding because it was child free and I respected that, but now I feel hurt that she made an exception for her friend’s baby. I might be the asshole because I confronted her and told her it felt like a slap in the face, and now she says I’m being dramatic and selfish for making a big deal out of it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. She’s TA for her response. But I do think there is a difference between a non-mobile baby versus a toddler at a wedding.
NTA, you are family not “basically” family. That was an incredibly self-centered remark by your sister.
ESH. Your sister only for saying that the reason was that her friend was like family. That obviously doesn’t explain the discrepancy given that you’re also family.
that said, a 6 mos old in a sling is an entirely different thing than a toddler. I think childfree with an exception for infants is rational. Infants, unlike toddlers don’t eat wedding food and exactly run around. parents are more likely to be comfortable leaving a toddler with a sitter, and an infant is more likely to be with a mother who is breastfeeding and/or pumping.
Yes YTA.
You really shouldn’t attend the child free wedding if you’re going to act like a child like this.
NTA
But you are family as is your child. You respected the child free rule that apparently was just a guideline for those who your sister deems important.
NTA So her friend is basically family, but you who are ACTUAL family was not allowed to bring your toddler? I think there is something else going on here. How did she respond when you told her you couldn’t come to her wedding?
ESH. sister telling you thst her friend is family but you aren’t? Definitely the AH. You are a smaller one for getting upset. I’d rather have 5 infants than one toddler at a wedding. Toddlers make a lot of noise that is not adorable, they run around, they will not have fun at a wedding, they can potentially cause damage. Infants sleep, maybe cry, but that’s it.
Why not just get a babysitter and celebrate with your sister?
NAH because we don’t really know anything about your relationship with your sister.
She clearly feels her friend is more family than you are. there might be a good reason for that. but either way she has made it clear where you rank in her world. so act accordingly.
Sending her a gift was appropriate for this kind of relationship.
However, if you thought prior to this that you were really close, then you need to rethink your relationship. Because she clearly sees her friend as her sister.
Wait! Your sister (actual family) didn’t allow you to bring your child. Then, they allowed a friend to do so and used the excuse that the friend was really family?! Wow! Just wow!
NTA… But your sister is! Less about having a child-free wedding and breaking her own “rule” for a friend, but completely because of the hurtful comment!
NTA – Go Maleficent on her and cast some curses. Then go NC
ESH. your sister should have said NO to the other child but then again 6 months may still be breastfeeding and a toddler can run amuck so there’s a difference in the children too. Just stuck it up and move on.
NTA.
How did she get any chance to call you dramatic and selfish after she finished telling you that she does not consider you her family? I would have walked away at that moment, not saying another word to her. Gone 100% no contact too.
You don’t need people like her in your life. She cut you out first, after all.
NTA. She used the worst word choice possible. “She Asked” would’ve been better.
NTA You ARE family. It appears you were slighted on purpose. It’s sad that your sister did that 😢
Having a toddler or kids at a wedding is very different than a baby in a sling, so while I understand why you were upset, I get why she would make the exception.
Her reply when you brought it up was deliberately hurtful, though. Even if she is closer to her friend than she is to you, her phrasing was intended to provoke.
I don’t know the history of your relationship, though, so it’s hard to say where she’s coming from. She may be very hurt that you didn’t get a babysitter and come, or maybe you aren’t close enough for her to have minded.
NTA. I would recommend letting it go, but you know your sister best.
Many childfree weddings have exceptions for babes-in-arms.
Your sister said , “It’s different, she’s basically family.”
What are you.? No not the AH.
However your sister is.
I would go no contact for a while.
Info: How close are you to your sister in reality?
Leaving aside the fact that babies in arms (especially if the mother is breastfeeding) are generally the exception as they don’t require seat, plate etc I’m trying to work out if her response, although harsh is justified for any reason. E.g. she sees her friend daily, and you every few months. I could understand her saying that.
NTA your sister is ballzy. This wasn’t due to the age, you weren’t close enough to get an exception. At 6 months, mine were sqirmy, fussy, vocal, and wanting to move. Your sister is disingenuous.
YTA and you know it. A 6 month old baby attending an event is completely different ballgame and you know it.
My 6 month old twins slept and snuggled with the occasional desire to be entertained and would completely not disruptive to a wedding. My toddlers are non-stop and I would spend the entire time running after them to keep them away from disturbing the wedding. Which would usually lead to the occasional outburst. And that’s with being constantly vigilant. It would be no fun for anyone nor would you have been able to enjoy the wedding. You staying at home instead of getting a baby sitter already says enough about your relationship with your sister.
I do see a distinction between an infant that can’t sit up on their own yet and cannot run amok if the parents aren’t dialed in and a non potato child that could possibly get into trouble. However, you feeling hurt that an exception was made for “basically family” with no discussion with actual family is totally valid and fair.
This will be an unpopular Reddit opinion, but I would never miss my sister’s wedding. I get sitters are expensive, but was leaving your child with the other parent, even just for a few hours, not an option? It’s possible it wasn’t, but the way you say ‘arranged to send a gift’ makes me think you didn’t try. That’s absolutely your right, but probably explains why she considers her friend closer than you. It’s true that nobody is obligated to put themselves out for someone else, but the consequence is that they’ll find other people to count on. That’s just life.
NTA!! Cut her off.
NTA She just told you that you are not family. I would go nc.
ESH. You, because if you have a toddler, you know how a toddler can be disruptive. And because you didn’t get a babysitter to go support your sister. Her, because of what she said.
But she’s not the TA for allowing a 6 month old and drawing the line at toddlers. Especially if the baby exclusively breastfeeds. I brought my (edit to add 5 month old) daughter to a “no kids” wedding (of course the couple okayed) and I would not be taking my three year olds.
First. NTA. But… stop. I get it and it sounds like the slap in your face might be needed. You’re upset that she made an exception for her best friend. It sounds like you’re jealous. And you’re 50% of the effort in the relationship with your sister. You need to show up for people if you want them to show up for you.
Just because it was this way, doesn’t mean it has to be this way. I’m sorry you went through this, and I hope her day was amazing.
NTA.
I have to say I think it’s reasonable to say it’s a child free wedding and make an exception for babes in arms and many child free weddings have these.
Soft TA for your sister for saying what she did – it was a mean thing to say (even if it’s true for her).
You don’t state how close your sister and you are – do you think she was hurt you didn’t get a sitter and chose not to attend? Would that have been possible for you?
If you’re not close then you can’t expect to be made an exception for even if you’re family. If you are close, surely you would have spoken to her and discussed the issue with not having childcare for your child and meaning you couldn’t attend.
Were I live breastfeed kids (or under 1y) are normally exempt from the no kids rule.
Dont compare a toddler with a baby in a sling.
But your sister was very rude with her response.
This is exactly why making a single exception to a no kids rule is a bad idea. It causes hurt feelings.
I was going to say you were the TA because breastfeeding babies (which this baby could be) are almost always allowed at child free weddings until your sister’s response. NTA if you’re being honest about this.
You are NTA for not attending the because you couldn’t or wouldn’t leave your toddler.
Your sister was fine until she said you, her sister, weren’t as important as her friend. She might like her friend more than you but giving a friend a child pass but not your sibling is a bit odd to me.
INFO – Why didn’t you find a babysitter for your sister’s wedding and then go? Look. childfree means childfree, regardless if the child is mobile or not, but the fact that your sister called her friend more of a sister than you tells me there’s a reason you didn’t go to the wedding (nor was your child invited) that might sway the verdict.
There is definitely more to this story…
YTA- toddlers are a completely different ball of wax than as six month old infant. And since you’ve just gone through that phase, you know for a fact that your child would be acting completely different than a baby.
Apologize to your sister, get over your hurt, and don’t destroy your family over this
Nursing infants are often an exception. Toddlers are really the ones child free weddings intentionally exclude because they are mobile and loud. That said, your sister’s response was awful.
You chose not to attend. That is fine. You didn’t do it because of her friend’s baby. You had already chosen to skip. It does not sound like you all were particularly close.
I was kind of on your sister’s side until she said “it’s different she’s like family”.
A 6 month old baby and a toddler are two very different phases. A 6 month old could still be breastfeeding and isn’t likely to be running around. A toddler….toddles. and they can get into trouble easily. And in events like that, parents can get distracted more easily, or maybe just don’t parent (I’m not saying you would do that just that it’s unfortunately a common thing). And for that, I would have been on her side in this exception.
But you’re her sister. Your child is their nibling. That is literally family. So unless there’s a really good reason for issues between you, that reasoning was kind of bs that she gave you.
Nta
I’m not sure… a baby is very different to a toddler.
YTA!! A non mobile 6 month old worn in a sling is very different from a toddler that runs around and could potentially throw a tantrum or have outbursts. Plus. She’s your sister. You should have gotten a sitter and showed up. You ARE family but you’re acting like you were just another invited guest and now you’re pretending to be upset that her friend came and was treated with deference??? Something is very wrong with your relationship with your sister.
NTA – what are you, chopped liver?
Your sister is insensitive at best. On the other hand, when she wants you to do something that would be greatly inconvenient for you because ‘that’s what family does’, you’ve got a get out of guilt free card.
So basically the friend is more of a family than her own sister and nibbling. Good to know where you stand. NTA
NTA – A similar thing happened in our family. We all got sitters for our kids — but the bride’s sister just had to bring her little darlings. There was major fall out. Either it’s childfree or it’s not.
ESH – You chose not attending your sister’s wedding over getting a babysitter. Either you’re not close to your sister (which means you’re in no place to judge) or you don’t view your sister as a priority. Her “practically family” response seems very rude, but does that mean there is a chance she would have let you bring your toddler? Did you ask? Seems you didn’t make much effort at all.
Also, maybe that friend could only come if they brought the infant and she decided it was worth having the friend there because they are so close. Some people are very selfish and bring tons of kids to weddings and let them run wild. Some people ignore and bring kids anyway. Your hands can be tied at that point and you may choose to not try and embarrass someone who clearly ignored your requests.
But you don’t care enough about your sister to get a babysitter for the wedding. You don’t get to judge the rest.
Yta. A nursing baby needs to be near their mother, will sleep most of the time, and will be stationary and fairly quiet. It is not the same as bringing a toddler and you know it.
Sounds like your sister explained herself poorly. Most people would have let a close friend or family member bring an infant but not a toddler (I did).
Um. Did you breastfeed? Hell, even bottle feed infants are on a rigid schedule.
Further, that baby can’t even stand up on its own yet let alone run like your toddler could. 100% valid for baby to be invited and not your toddler.
I feel it’s lame not to allow familial children to attend partially for the pictures and then be taken away for the party portion. If their parents are responsible and understand to also keep the child chill during the ceremony and take them out quickly if they misbehave at all.
HOWEVER, THAT is the issue. NOT a babe in arms allowed to be there.
When people show you how much they value you believe them. Your sister values her friend and does not value your relationship.
‘I’m actually family and wasn’t allowed to bring your niece to your wedding.’
Wait until she needs something and ask her to consult her basically family because they are more important to her.
Pointless, done is done. You expressed yourself, she didn’t care. Crappy but move on
NTA – „She’s basically family“ but her own freaking sister isn’t?
If you were to have gotten a sitter for your child then went, I can understand being upset however your sisters wedding wasn’t important enough for you to get one and go, so my guess is you two just aren’t close. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with her being closer to her friends than her siblings. You also need to keep in mind, a 6mo old is more dependent on their parent (generally) than a toddler and also might not be as disruptive as a toddler can be. YTA
ESH her for her response but a baby is definitely different than a toddler. I wouldn’t want a toddler at my wedding either
And you’re not family??? Your sister clearly had something to say and she said it. NTA
Info
There is a lot of missing info here.
Did she not talk to you about why you weren’t coming? How did it not come up at all? Did your other close family not bring it up? Do you and your sister hate each other?
I’m going ESH. You have a toddler so you’ll just send a gift?! You couldn’t find a babysitter for your own sister’s wedding? And a 6 month old is a LOT different than a toddler who will run around the place. Your sister is also the AH because of what she said when you called her out. I would have said it’s because of the age, not the relationship.
Esh. She’s basically family? You are family. But why weren’t you there? That’s your sister. You couldn’t leave baby with dad? In-laws or a sitter?
YTA. You’re making this about you and your kid and it was your sister’s day. Now you’re making drama about something she has no ability to go back in time and change. Life is short. You made your choice. Move on.
YTA. It’s her wedding she can do whatever she wants.
When you throw an event you can make whatever rules you want.
Your reaction to “no kids” was to send a gift rather than find someone to look after your kid whilst you attend..?
ESH. You should have gotten a sitter and showed up for your sister’s wedding. She shouldn’t have made an exception for infants without adding that as a potential stipulation.
Why couldn’t you get a babysitter for your toddler? Is there a reason you didn’t go to the wedding? I am assuming there was no prior knowledge of the baby being there.
Was the baby there briefly so mom could feed and then maybe take by a babysitter?
Without knowing your actual reasoning for not going to the wedding it’s hard to judge.
NTA
If a baby is being breastfed then I can understand it, they are unlikely to be running around causing chaos and if they start to cry they can be walked away into a quiet room. However, to call her best friend family, when you are her sister, is insulting.
What are you, chopped liver?
NTA!!! Letting your sibling bring their child should always take precedent over letting a friend bring their child!
OP, now you know what your sister thinks about you. 1) that she’d rather not have you there at the wedding instead of making one exception for her own sister. And 2) she values her friend more than her own sister.
I’m sure you’re hurt and this sucks. But now you know where you stand with her, and how little she cares about you. Use this as a reminder to never treat someone the way your sister treated you!❤️
Baby and toddler is not the same. YTA.
Yta – a baby is completely different than a toddler. My wedding was in june and the only kids allowed were the page boys and flower girls and that was my kids and my brothers kid’s. My cousin last minute asked if she could bring her baby because she realized she was too young to be left alone all day and overnight. You wouldn’t have even known she was there. The toddlers on the other hand were very loud and couldn’t sit still during the ceremony. Didn’t bother me at all, i knew to expect it but reality is some people would be really upset having the distraction. Your sister should be able to choose how she wants her wedding to go and if you choose not to go that fine. But making her feel bad for allowing a baby there is pretty selfish and not the same situation.
An infant who is literally strapped to their mother is not the same as a toddler. A toddler gets tired, cranky, and disruptive.
An infant who begins to cry, you walk away and attend to them. It’s different.
Also, at the end of the day, it’s her call and you had the choice to get a sitter and attend or stay home.
NTA because I think you’re feeling hurt and left out by your sister.
“She’s basically family” & you’re not “basically” family, you ARE LITERALLY family.
Nta you are allowed to hurt it was a shit thing she said
There’s a huge difference between a six month old infant and a toddler in terms of disruption potential. An infant will very possibly cry, but can easily be taken out so they don’t disrupt the ceremony. In my experience, it’s much more difficult to quiet a toddler. This may have had a lot of bearing on your sister’s decision.
I know it still doesn’t feel fair.
NTA.
Many people are reading the post incorrectly. She respected the rules and DIDN’T bring her kid to the wedding. One of the friends of the wedding hosts kid was in the picture according to the post.
While it is her party and she can do whatever she wants. She is not sticking to her rules. How can she say it’s child-free and then have a friend come with her baby? It’s selective enforcement if you can call it that.
You should have a talk with her. Especially after you respected her rules and even stayed at home when you couldn’t bring your child.
YTA – you didn’t care enough to make childcare arrangements to attend your sister’s wedding, so why do you care that a 6 month old got an exception?
There are always mitigating circumstances and you do not need to be in the know as to why.
When my mother passed, the house and everything in it was left to me. Because of this, my sister was left more money and property. When it came time to move in, I was not going to keep a lot of the furniture. We had our own furniture and I wanted us to live in “our” house, not grandma’s, so most of it was going to be sold.
I came home one day to find it gone. My sister informed me that she had sold it to a friend, for only 1/4 of it’s worth because they were in need. When I asked why she thought that would be okay (without even asking me) her answer was “because they’re like family”.
As opposed to me, apparently. Quite apart from the money, it was absolutely a slap in the face.
A basically AND and honestly! Good job, Mil!
YTA
Infants are not toddlers. Infants are less able to deal with a day away from mom than toddlers because infants are nursing. Toddlers are a lot louder and more distracting than infants.
You didn’t give us enough information about your situation to judge this accurately. Did you even care enough about this wedding to try and find child care? Is there a reason you were unable? If it was so important to you to go, and you could not find child care, did you call your sister and see if an accomodation could be made?
I’m very close to my sister and I could not imagine just staying home and sending a gift to her wedding. Not unless I had, like, contracted polio or something. And even then, I’d wheel myself there in one of those iron lung things. To me it sounds like you are resentful that your sister has a closer relationship with her BFF than she does with you and you are using her wedding to dump your resentment and feelings on her about that. But you both have had your entire lifetimes to build the relationship you have now. There is a reason she didn’t make it a priority to accommodate your kids, and there is a reason you didn’t try to find childcare,.and there is a reason you guys didn’t discuss this. I bet all of the money in my couch that those reasons didn’t start with this one wedding.
Sister should be able to bring baby, not friend. What an AH
YTA for not going to your sister’s wedding because of the no kids rule. It’s obvious that you are not very close if you didn’t go to your own sister’s wedding. Then question why someone (who is obviously closer to your sister) brought her six month old, who is probably still breastfed or bottle fed. It’s your sister’s wedding, it’s her choice on who is invited. Obviously something going on here besides this situation considering you chose not to go to your sister’s wedding. I’d never miss any of my sister’s in a million years and I don’t get alone with some of them.