My friend (24F) and I (24F) went to a karaoke bar I frequent. We were having a blast until Some Guy (~30M) commented on our height in line. I bantered back, calling him a weirdo, but my friend got annoyed. He talked to me briefly until I mentioned my boyfriend, then left us alone.
Later, he and his friend approached. His friend chatted with me about my song choice, but I noticed my friend arguing heatedly with Some Guy. I separated them, urging her to chill since I thought I’d handled his earlier flirting. She kept arguing, grilling him about hitting on me. I was drunk and the bar was loud, so I tuned out, thinking she was fighting my battle unnecessarily. I tried calming her by rubbing her shoulder.
I zoned back in when Some Guy announced on the mic that she should leave. We went to the bartender; she demanded he be kicked out for being weird to me. As the “victim”, I had to convince the bartender to act. She also wanted his girlfriend to know, so I cordially told her he was a creep and she could do better, though my friend was more aggressive, calling him “p*dophilic.”
She texted her boyfriend to pick her up, and I said goodbye, waiting for my boyfriend to drive my car home. I thought we were okay, just drunk and stressed. Later, I called to say I had her card and she could grab her stuff tomorrow. She was furious, saying I didn’t back her up enough and that Some Guy called her the “fat friend” who “cockblocks” me. I apologized profusely—I didn’t hear those comments due to the noise and my drunkenness. I’d have been mad if I’d known, but I thought she was upset about his flirting with me, which I told her to drop.
Worse, during the call, her boyfriend called me a “fucking bitch” and mocked my poetry in the background. I didn’t address it, focusing on apologizing, but it hurt that she let him trash me while I was trying to understand her side. I feel awful for missing Some Guy’s insults, but I was on her side—talking to the bartender and his girlfriend—yet she thinks I wasn’t. I didn’t want us to get banned (she and Some Guy were), so I tried to keep things calm.
AITA for not going as hard as her against Some Guy? I thought it was trivial, but now I’m worried I let her down.
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My friend (24F) and I (24F) went to a karaoke bar I frequent. We were having a blast until Some Guy (~30M) commented on our height in line. I bantered back, calling him a weirdo, but my friend got annoyed. He talked to me briefly until I mentioned my boyfriend, then left us alone.
Later, he and his friend approached. His friend chatted with me about my song choice, but I noticed my friend arguing heatedly with Some Guy. I separated them, urging her to chill since I thought I’d handled his earlier flirting. She kept arguing, grilling him about hitting on me. I was drunk and the bar was loud, so I tuned out, thinking she was fighting my battle unnecessarily. I tried calming her by rubbing her shoulder.
I zoned back in when Some Guy announced on the mic that she should leave. We went to the bartender; she demanded he be kicked out for being weird to me. As the “victim”, I had to convince the bartender to act. She also wanted his girlfriend to know, so I cordially told her he was a creep and she could do better, though my friend was more aggressive, calling him “p*dophilic.”
She texted her boyfriend to pick her up, and I said goodbye, waiting for my boyfriend to drive my car home. I thought we were okay, just drunk and stressed. Later, I called to say I had her card and she could grab her stuff tomorrow. She was furious, saying I didn’t back her up enough and that Some Guy called her the “fat friend” who “cockblocks” me. I apologized profusely—I didn’t hear those comments due to the noise and my drunkenness. I’d have been mad if I’d known, but I thought she was upset about his flirting with me, which I told her to drop.
Worse, during the call, her boyfriend called me a “fucking bitch” and mocked my poetry in the background. I didn’t address it, focusing on apologizing, but it hurt that she let him trash me while I was trying to understand her side. I feel awful for missing Some Guy’s insults, but I was on her side—talking to the bartender and his girlfriend—yet she thinks I wasn’t. I didn’t want us to get banned (she and Some Guy were), so I tried to keep things calm.
AITA for not going as hard as her against Some Guy? I thought it was trivial, but now I’m worried I let her down.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. not going as hard on the guy as my friend did
2. i think it made her feel isolated and that i wasn’t there for her in the way she was trying to be there for me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH though it does sound like she did you a solid favour. Possibly her expectations of drunks are too high.
NTA you did what you thought was right in the moment. and the boyfriend sounds like a hole
It sounds like you were trying to support your friend as best as you could given the noisy, chaotic situation and your own state. You clearly stood up for her by getting the bartender involved and warning Some Guy’s girlfriend, which is solid backing. Sometimes when emotions run high, people want a certain kind of support that’s more aggressive or vocal, but you did what felt right in the moment to keep things from escalating even further. It sucks that you missed the specific insults she heard, but you weren’t ignoring her—you just didn’t have the full picture. Also, her boyfriend’s rude behavior toward you is totally uncalled for and unfair. You’re not the asshole here—you had her back, just in a different way than she expected.
Find better friends
From what you’ve written this sounds like a nothing burger which she escalated into something which it didn’t need to be. Yeah, the guy chanced his arm. You shut it down. Why she needed to get involved like you hadn’t already handled it is beyond me, especially as, from what you’ve written, she was rather aggresive with it. However, it’s something I’ll put down to her apparent inebriation. Allowing her boyfriend to insult you as she did though is a little concerning. Strikes me as her shit talking you to him.
I’ll say NTA. Going in the way she did could well have escalated it even more than it already did. Sounds like a good idea to stay out of it though I’m not sure how much of a friend I would call her. Sounds like the kind of girl who books battles on behalf of others.
NTA. Also what kind of “friend” lets their SO talk poorly about their friends. I can understand if you had been an asshole and yelled at her anything like that… But you didn’t even do that you de-escalate the situation while you were both drunk. She’s still using to take her frustration about those being ass comments out on you.
If I was you, I think that I would text her addressing the fact that you’re sorry you didn’t hear those comments but reminder that you were both drunk and that you were conversing with the bartender and his partner during the same time. And you should address the fact that her boyfriend was talking shit about you and your poetry. That’s so fucking horrible.
Um, her boyfriend is calling you that and mocking you over one misunderstanding? That’s highly doubtful, as in this isn’t the first time she’s spoken about you negatively or she’s overexaggerating what happened to her boyfriend. NTA, IF you keep her as a friend, which I personally wouldn’t, definitely do not go out drinking with her anymore and avoid that crazy boyfriend.
So summarized:
2 women walk into a bar to get liquored up and party. Dude already head started in the bar makes a comment that might reasonably be expected from a single man when unaccompanied women show up at a party bar. Friend basically loses her shit, makes up stuff to get the guy kicked out, and tosses an inappropriate slur. Friend then blames you for not being similarly engaged.
NTA, and you need better friends.
NTA – She overstepped. She wanted to escalate things, while you were trying to shut things down and was upset that you didn’t take it to where she did. Obviously this guy was a weirdo, you were also drunk and apologized for not hearing certain things. She also was wrong for getting her boyfriend involved, who was name-calling you when she escalated the situation.
YTA, maybe don’t get so shit faced. I’d love to see her side.
I bet this isn’t the first time you didn’t back her up or “tuned her out”
NTA, there are two kinds of drinkers in the world. Party and Angry. It sounds like your friend is an angry drinker and that’s no fun. From her sober reaction it sounds like she’s a pretty angry and dramatic person also. I wouldn’t hang out with her and remind yourself of how angry and exhausting she is before you do anything with her again. (Angry drinkers aren’t always angry. Sometimes they’re happy and funny but they have a straighter shot at getting angry.)
YTA
So you got shitty drunk, chose to engage with a guy who was making you uncomfortable and therefore subjecting your friend to your choice as well. The guys did not drop it, but you chose not to start paying attention when you realized your friend was engaged in something that was upsetting her. After realizing she was really upset, at that point “zoning out” is a choice, and in doing so you missed that he was actually berating her, and even got on mic to insult her to the entire bar.
This post very much reads that you are the friend who gets too drunk and doesn’t bother to be self aware, leaving other people alone to defend both them and you. I can tell you from experience that 24 is around the age where I became completely over that, and stopped going out with friends like that.
NTA
It was a misunderstanding, and you did the right thing by explaining and being the bigger person by apologising.
The fact that she let her bf insult you while you were trying to patch things up is also really immature of her.
I hope that once she finally calms down and thinks things over, that she’ll realise she really messed up. You were trying your best in a situation that was loud and chaotic at the time, and that’s not something she should hold against you.
You were trying to deescalate. It’s tough to gauge everyone’s emotions in that chaos.