About a month ago, my (24F) ex boyfriend (26M) ended our four year relationship. When he broke up with me, he even said something like “don’t beg me to stay or reconsider.”
The first night after the breakup was the worst. But after two or three days, it was like I was reborn. I didn’t feel sad or sorry anymore. My friends didn’t believe me at first and said it might be a coping mechanism or even a psychological issue. But after a few weeks, both I and everyone else could see that I had genuinely moved on.
I guess someone told my ex about that and he wasn’t happy. Last night, he called me while clearly drunk and very angry. He said I should have fought for us, that I can’t possibly be happy without him, and so on. I was confused and told him that both the breakup, and me not bothering him was his decision. He got progressively angrier and started yelling, calling me b***h and c**t.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just laughed hysterically. I guess that made him even more furious, because he started threatening me. So I ended the call and blocked him everywhere.
This morning, I talked to a friend about it, but she seemed to be taking his side. She said it was an a-hole move to act like I didn’t care and move on so quickly. But honestly, all I did was go to one party and a few casual friend gatherings. I jokingly flirted twice, and it wasn’t serious at all. Also, it’s not like I’m a widow who has to wait at least a year. I told her that, but she still insisted I should have been more considerate of how he might feel.
She also pointed out that I seem completely unbothered by the breakup, while he’s been avoiding our get togethers because of me. I told her that he’s free to come, I’m not stopping him. But she just called me an inconsiderate a-hole again.
He broke up with me and told me not to beg. So I didn’t. It’s not my fault I didn’t fall apart after he dumped me. Am I missing something here? AITA?
Comments
The story doesn’t seem believable that the main character is asking if they are an asshole because someone broke up with them and they are not upset about it. No, you’re not an Asshole if someone breaks up with you and you are OK with it.
Nope, NTA! The sadness could hit you later but maybe not. Move on with your life, that’s your right. You’re young, have fun!
Ridiculous horseshit.
You’re an awful writer.
Sounds like he’s regretting his decision to end things because you’ve moved on and are happy. Based on his reaction, it makes sense why you’re happier now, too.
NTA. Sometimes you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone. What you had was a stressful unsatisfying relationship. You need new friends too.
Congratulations on joining reddit today!
Honestly, I think you dodged a Howitzer on this one. I had a bf break up with me for going on a day trip skiing with mutual friends without asking permission. He gave the the similar lecture about how he was never going to take me back even if I begged. Yada, yada….
A week later, he asked to talk to me and had a similar complaint to yours. That is, he complained that our friends thought I must have been the one to break up because he was moping while I seemed fine. Like your guy, he was not going to gatherings, while I was.
And then… he dropped this: His plan — actual plan– was that I would be all unhappy, beg him to take me back and then he would forgive me and take me back after I “learned my lesson”. He told me he assumed I was pretending to not mind being dumped and he’d take me back. (Well…. if I’d learned my lesson!)
This was a plan. Anyway, when he revealed this was all a plan, I blinked…. paused and then told him that he’d made a mistake.
Heck… I’d liked him. So if the reason for dumping me had been sane, I might have been sad. But a guy who wanted me to ask permission to go skiing? That alone had made me think, “oh. Not for me”. That’s why I wasn’t moping! And then he revealed that teaching me a lesson and taking me back was a thought out plan!!!! Who wants a life of that?!?!?!!!!!
I’m very glad I escaped that and went forward to live a happy life. (Married 41 years no.) Your guy probably “planned” for you to beg… and then he’d “negotiate” some conditions or something.
>but she still insisted I should have been more considerate of how he might feel.
Your friend is an idiot. Or she’s not really your friend. Tell your friend if she thinks you need to be mourning the loss of this guy, she can have him!
You are NTA.
NTA, sometimes you don’t realise what’s the best thing for you until it happens.
Lol when people think they are such a great partner and get upset when you dont fall apart into a depressed heap begging for them to take you back. Nta. Live your life and find your happiness. Good on you for not falling for him shitty behaviour.
NTA. He ended it and told you not to beg. Moving on is your right, not being upset doesn’t make you an a-hole.
NTA. You’re allowed to feel whatever you want to after a breakup. There’s no specific grieving period, and I’d really reconsider that friendship as well.
You should consider journaling or therapy instead of whatever sort of fishing this is. I mean that authentically. Getting anonymous positive reinforcement/praise for your (likely) doctored events is not a healthy option.
The fact you posted this tells me you probably aren’t so okay with the breakup, because it’s on your mind enough that you’re seeking validation from anonymous strangers on the internet.
I genuinely wish you the best and want you to know that life is incredibly long and all of this will seem so trivial in the future.
Keep working to find that person that you are committing forever to, who is committing forever to you. Anything else is just playing house, and you are wasting your time and accepting insurmountable risks doing that.
The past is the past. It is lost. Make the best decisions for yourself from RIGHT. NOW.
Good luck friend.
Lol lady. You’ve bruised his EGO, and he doesn’t appreciate that.
Did he tell you why he was ending the relationship? Did you suspect anything prior?
Those people are not your friends.
Everyone handles breakups differently, and you may have unknowingly already been detached from him before the breakup came (or it might simply not be time for you to mourn yet).
You don’t owe anyone a performance. They’re upset because they were denied drama, not because they actually care about your wellbeing. And his reaction is his own; he realized he fumbled you–that’s not your problem anymore.
His problem not yours. Once he broke up with you he has nothing to say anymore and neither does anyone else.
You’re not the asshole. Firstly, I predict that this friend that keeps telling you the bad person has been comforting your boyfriend either prior to or after your break up so watch out for that snake.
You do not have to be considerate of his feelings. The idea that you need to be considerate of the feelings person that broke up with you after he did it in such a cruel way just is so bizarre to me.
Psychologically there could’ve been plenty of reasons why you were accepting of the break up. It might catch up with you later on, but that’s between you and yourself. It doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. Your boyfriend fucked around and he found out. He thought so little of you. He thought you were so little without him he could make you feel bad about yourself. He could make you feel bad about being without him. You didn’t you stood tall and walked away with your head held high and it’s driving him crazy.
so let me get this straight… he dumped you, told you not to beg, and then got mad when you didn’t spiral into a depression montage? nah. some men don’t want a partner, they want an audience. and you had the audacity to be happy without giving him a performance. not the AH, you’re the plot twist.
HE BROKE UP W YOU???? like your friend is dumb af first of all for that- like wym ??? he has no right to be mad, he has no right to even be texting you abt it. like hello??? what, did you want me to beg on my knees? nta glad you’re happy now bro
You’re friends having sex with him or will be shortly. Drop her now and avoid the hassle
NTA. You may need to question some of your friendships though. Or ask yourself who this friend is at their core and if they value the same things you do – it doesn’t mean they can’t still be your friend but it may mean that you don’t need to take their input into account. Not all advice is good advice.
Honestly it sounds like he was an ah and you did all the heavy lifting in the relationship. Once the trash removed itself upu realised you were free. You’re allowed to be happy, flirt and have fun – you’re single sis, enjoy it. Nta
NTA
Never beg someone to stay with you. That is a recipe.for unhappiness. I have a feeling some part of you realized you weren’t that happy anymore or maybe the relationship wasn’t healthy which isn’t surprising considering his current attitude. It’s not a requirement to move for weeks after a relationship ends.
Maybe your ex was testing the relationship to see how hard you would fight for him. Ego trip this guy has.
NTA. You dodged a petulant child. He tried to punish you into submission but he lame plan backfired. Your gain; his loss.
NTA. It’s weird your friend is so insistent about how you should feel.
Nta
You owe him absolutely nothing except basic human decency you’d show to anyone. NTA
You can’t seriously be this stupid?
Your friend wants to bang your ex
Yes OP you should choose to be unhappy because the guy who dumped you Said so. Please do not have children. Lol
NTA. HE broke it off. He told you not to beg for him back. You respected that and now he’s rattled and second guessing himself. That’s on him alone. You did nothing wrong. He hurt you but thankfully after that first night you started to move on and found out that it wasn’t the end of the world and that you’ll be ok. But let’s be clear here, he doesn’t really want you back. He just wants you miserable to serve his ego. Good for you that you realized you don’t need him and just keep doing what makes YOU happy. His feelings aren’t your problem anymore.
I wish you the best!
First post ever on first day on Reddit? You are definitely the asshole for joining Reddit just to seek validation and attention for this fake ass post.
NTA – He just wanted you to come crawling back, and his actions showed you dodged a bullet. Also, that other person you spoke to is not your friend, and you should be very wary of her intentions.
NTA but your friend is, or should I say his friend is. This person is not your friend and I would go so far as to say she has a thing for him. Good on you for not wallowing in sadness and just getting on with your life. He’s just upset that he didn’t break you and honestly, how fucked up is that? If he’s avoiding your friend group it’s on him and while you don’t want to hear it, I’m thinking he and your supposed friend may have had a little something behind your back that others may know about so he’s avoiding them. It would certainly explain both of their behavior? Either way, you do you and don’t look back!
NTA. He broke up with you, why should care how he feels?
NTA. You gave him what he wanted. Go about your life and find better and smarter friends because you have an idiot for one right now.
>She said it was an a-hole move to act like I didn’t care and move on so quickly.
Funny because generally; when someone does the breaking up, it’s because they have already moved on. More so than the person being broken up with. Kudos to you for moving on as quickly as you did. Sounds like you hit him in his frail little ego and he just can’t stand that.
NTA
Tell your “friend” she’s welcome to console him.
Good for you, now ditch the crappy friend. Move on, enjoy your life, and don’t give any of that another thought. People handle breakups in their own way. You have nothing to apologize for.
NTA.
And.. y’know what? I am so, so proud of you for being such a badass. Like another commenter said – you’re NTA, you’re the plot twist, and if that’s not the best thing ever to be I don’t know what is.
This boy – not man, boy – wanted you to beg. He wanted you to be so distraught, so shattered by his dramatic disappearance so his ego could be stroked and fluffed up. He needed you to be heartbroken so he could feel like a big man. But, sweetheart, you flipped the script. You refused to be a puppet. And he can’t handle that.
You’re not missing a damn thing except the dragging weight of an absolute chucklefuck.
I’m also completely side-eyeing your friend right now. I’d ask her a) if she secretly wants you to be absolutely miserable, b) what’s the point in playing stupid mind games and pretending, and c) he isn’t your boyfriend anymore, so why should his feelings come before your peace?
And if she argues the point again, I’d look at her, go “Why are you supporting a dude that deliberately wanted me to be heartbroken and miserable and in pain? Because that mentality is, quite frankly, sick and twisted, and I’m not being inconsiderate by not letting someone be deliberately cruel and manipulative to me.”
You’ve done so well, honey, and this internet stranger is so fuckin’ chuffed at how kick-ass you’ve been. Protect your peace, protect your happiness, and keep on knowing your worth and maintaining your amazing level of self-respect and care – you’re doing great.
lol NTA I was unbothered when I found out my ex bf cheated on me. I just broke up with him and he was like “how can you be so cold” haha wtf?
Why do you hang out with pick-me’s?
NTA and what is wrong with your friends? It sounds like your boyfriend was a jerk and maybe you didn’t even realize how much he was dragging you down until he removed himself from your life.
You are absolutely entitled to live your life with zero expectation from your ex or friends to participate in any kind of performative sadness for his benefit. His ego is his problem.
What a tool. He treated you terribly and I’m proud of you for moving on!!
Ex is irrelevant. Your ‘friend’ is your new problem.
You should probably drop that so called friend as well
NTA.
Male perspective for you here, few ideas of what his intention was.
Reversing psychology was his attempt with the don’t beg for me shit, cause he wanted to test you to see if you’d still go for him?
But, still. As unfortunate as the truth may be, not everyone has to fall into a sadness pit for weeks or months or years over a relationship ending. And truthfully studies tend to point to females not feeling the effects of a breakup until much much later, though based on how this guy was acting towards you. I’m under the impression your mind moved on for a reason.
He broke up with you. You don’t owe him ANYTHING. As you pointed out, you did what he asked.
Apparently, he wanted you to lay around, wallowing in grief for weeks/months. He’s a spiteful AH. A mature person would not wish you ill, and would want you to be happy, despite not being with him.
And your friend is being ridiculous. Your ex is the one who’s an AH. The fact that your friends suggested you might have some kind of ‘psychological issue’ because you moved on after a few days shows your friends to be idiots. My guess is, you moved on quickly because your ex is an AH and it was not a healthy relationship… so when it ended, you actually felt relieved.
If he threatened you with violence, you need to go to the police. Let them handle him. He sounds deranged.
Key words-“Drinking”, “B word”, “Party”, “Friend” . So now that you’re broken Up , you may want to reconsider the Real connotations of those words in your vocabulary, and how they Really fit into Your Own Life . Moving ON means a Lot more than repeating old lifestyle habits that don’t really allow for Positive Change. Beware of limiting yourself to just always meeting the SAME type of guys, or GF’s., without creating some Real , Positive Change in your Life. You DO sound more mature than your BF, but still with a ways to go and don’t expect it to be Easy . Your BF did you a Favor -you also seem too good for that whole bunch. Once you’ve really Moved ON and UP , then you can laugh and feel Safer over it ,looking back from a whole new and better perspective . It may be hard , but disconnect yourself from the BF -and disloyal GFs, even if getting off Social Media, and changing ph. #’s and particularly-addresses. You’ve got to stop flirting with potential Violence. Wishing you the Best !
It was obviously just an ego and power move that fucking backfired when you didn’t come begging for him…. and even came out of it better, and quickly! bahahahahaha Tell “friends” who back his stupidity to shove their heads up their collective asses. NTA
How DARE you have more emotional maturity than he does!! 👍🏻
After a couple of days, you realized how miserable he was making you and how awesome it feels to finally be free. Nobody’s sad when the trash takes itself out. NTA. Go find someone who actually makes you happy.
NTA, but your ex and your “friend” are. There’s a myth that’s really popular; that life as a single person is lonely, empty and to be avoided at all costs. You’ve clearly found this to be patently false, as have most balanced people.
He’s angry that you didn’t fall apart after his “power move.” It’s like saying you’re going to quit a job if you don’t get a raise/other: You have to be prepared to follow through. He chose to break up with you, told you not to beg him to reconsider, and oooops!
I have no idea why this “friend” is sticking her nose in. I’d ignore her. Be free, enjoy yourself, your life and have fun. This isn’t a Dress Rehearsal, so be the best you that you can be. Apparently that does not need the ex to make that happen!
This is the least effort fake I’ve seen in a while and that’s saying a lot.
“He’s so mad I’m happy. Should I be miserable?”
If this is real, than yes, you deserve to be miserable.
Definitely not the a-hole! Your so called friends needs to either get their sh*t together or just get rid of her! And that ex of yours needs to just let you go, besides everyone copes differently with breakups
Fuck him and the friend. It’s over. You should go bang his dad just to put the whipped cream on top.