22yo female with a 24yo boyfriend (dating for 1yr & a half ) who thinks I should be a bitch when men approach me so they don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve told him multiple times there’s some men you can do that to and there’s some men you can’t. I’ve told him about a couple situations of when I was cursed out , followed to my car and even had a man from my freshman year of highschool that I turned rejected block the exit to the library doors calling me all kinds of bitches all while a male security guard was trying to help me force the door open.
He basically laughed it off like yeah men are crazy. He’s made comments multiple times about how dudes still stare at me while we’re out together but he’s never really heard me complimented constantly until this past month. I’ve started doordashing so I’m out more than before and he stays on the phone while I’m out. With him on the phone he hears the men approach me, 9/10 I’m able to tell them “I have a boyfriend” sometimes they say their usual “you can’t have friends” and I say no and the conversation is over with.
A couple weeks ago I picked an order up and the man there kept offering me free food while I waited , I turned it down then he asked if I could take his number down. I laughed uncomfortably and told him “No I’m fine , I have a boyfriend” he proceeded to hand me the order with a weird grin saying “yeah you are fine”. I laughed uncomfortably again and just left and walked to my car. When I started my car I heard a knock on the window , the guy had followed me out to my car and handing me number on receipt paper. I said thank you and pulled off , my boyfriend heard the whole encounter and was mad that the man was so perfusive.
He’s halfway understood me not being a bitch in this situation until yesterday , I had an order for the same restaurant. When I pulled up I mentioned to my boyfriend that I hoped the old man wasn’t here , he asked where I was at and I reminded him about the previous time. When I entered the store the man was in the lobby , he instantly started grinning asking “how I’ve been” and “how he hasn’t seen me in awhile”. I responded “I’ve been and yeah I know” I told the cashier what order I needed & she brought it out. He said one more joke I laughed then left.
My boyfriend got aggravated telling me how I’m too nice and if I was meaner then he wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I told him I’m not going to be mean to a grown ass man who followed me out to my car. I don’t want the situation escalated.
At this point there’s no calming my boyfriend down, he tells me how “his mom and sister is mean to guys all the time” I tell him I’m not his mom or sister and there’s little he can understand because he’s not a women that’s had to deal with this. There was back & forth but ultimately he told he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t listen. I’m extremely hurt & just feel crazy because he absolutely feels as if I’m in the wrong.
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22yo female with a 24yo boyfriend (dating for 1yr & a half ) who thinks I should be a bitch when men approach me so they don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve told him multiple times there’s some men you can do that to and there’s some men you can’t. I’ve told him about a couple situations of when I was cursed out , followed to my car and even had a man from my freshman year of highschool that I turned rejected block the exit to the library doors calling me all kinds of bitches all while a male security guard was trying to help me force the door open.
He basically laughed it off like yeah men are crazy. He’s made comments multiple times about how dudes still stare at me while we’re out together but he’s never really heard me complimented constantly until this past month. I’ve started doordashing so I’m out more than before and he stays on the phone while I’m out. With him on the phone he hears the men approach me, 9/10 I’m able to tell them “I have a boyfriend” sometimes they say their usual “you can’t have friends” and I say no and the conversation is over with.
A couple weeks ago I picked an order up and the man there kept offering me free food while I waited , I turned it down then he asked if I could take his number down. I laughed uncomfortably and told him “No I’m fine , I have a boyfriend” he proceeded to hand me the order with a weird grin saying “yeah you are fine”. I laughed uncomfortably again and just left and walked to my car. When I started my car I heard a knock on the window , the guy had followed me out to my car and handing me number on receipt paper. I said thank you and pulled off , my boyfriend heard the whole encounter and was mad that the man was so perfusive.
He’s halfway understood me not being a bitch in this situation until yesterday , I had an order for the same restaurant. When I pulled up I mentioned to my boyfriend that I hoped the old man wasn’t here , he asked where I was at and I reminded him about the previous time. When I entered the store the man was in the lobby , he instantly started grinning asking “how I’ve been” and “how he hasn’t seen me in awhile”. I responded “I’ve been and yeah I know” I told the cashier what order I needed & she brought it out. He said one more joke I laughed then left.
My boyfriend got aggravated telling me how I’m too nice and if I was meaner then he wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I told him I’m not going to be mean to a grown ass man who followed me out to my car. I don’t want the situation escalated.
At this point there’s no calming my boyfriend down, he tells me how “his mom and sister is mean to guys all the time” I tell him I’m not his mom or sister and there’s little he can understand because he’s not a women that’s had to deal with this. There was back & forth but ultimately he told he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t listen. I’m extremely hurt & just feel crazy because he absolutely feels as if I’m in the wrong.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You are dealing with it in the way that is comfortable to you.
As a man I think
“Sorry, im not interested” would be more effective to me than “sorry, I have a boyfriend”
The second could mean, there would be a chance of I didn’t have a boyfriend, the first is clear.
NTA. Your boyfriend’s an immature idiot, period. If you can’t educate him, leave him.
NTA. As a woman, you are the best judge of the safest and least troublesome way to repel unwanted male attention in any situation, and of course this isn’t necessarily to “be a bitch”. Your boyfriend is being insecure and controlling, and should have more faith in you – honestly this is a red flag, and if he leaves you over it, consider it a bullet dodged.
This BF has some serious control problems. Trash is taking itself out. NTA.
NTA. Your boyfriend is insecure and controlling, but at the same time you don’t have to have conversations with men who make you uncomfortable.
As a woman I understand that we need to react accordingly to men who make us uncomfortable in different situations for our own safety. You don’t owe that creepy old man any pleasantries. Don’t laugh uncomfortably, don’t tell him how you’ve been. Men like this are trying to get this exact reaction out of you.
But yeah, your boyfriend thinking he knows what’s best for you and saying he doesn’t want to be with you because you don’t listen? Major red flag. Why are you with him?
NTA but you need to realize that your ex bf did you a favor. He’s really insecure and insecurity turns to control pretty quickly. You didn’t allow yourself to be controlled or undermined and he bailed. I hope you can see that and thank your lucky stars for the bullet you dodged
Manners cost nothing. Something he clearly doesn’t know anything about.
NTA op, but this boyfriend is a loser.
NTA. Your bf is more interested in his own ego than your physical safety. You are ABSOLUTELY correct for trying to keep yourself safe in interactions with pushy or unpredictable men, and honestly, your boyfriend seems like he’s one of them.
Get a new boyfriend…. Just not the guy who shoved his unwanted number in your window….
NTA
why the fuck should it matter how men approach you if you don’t get with them? NTA. treat respect with respect, and tell your boyfriend to grow up
NTA – first it sucks that women can’t just exist in the world without guys harassing them at nearly every interaction. Second your boyfriend is controlling and insecure and I would strongly advise you remove him from your life.
Thank you guys for the advice , I cried all night thinking this was just a little thing me and him could get over. I’ve tried to get him to understand through multiple explanations but nothing works. I don’t feel so crazy anymore and will start the process of moving on from him.
NTA.
How you deal with people is up to you. If you’re not comfortable being mean, you’re not comfortable.
Also, holy victim blaming, Batman. Does he also think that women wouldn’t be assaulted if they had just acted or dressed differently? Also, there are enough stories of men escalating that he should understand why you’re careful not to take the chance.
Dump this jackass and find someone with two goddamned braincells to rub together.
Just means you’re mature
You should’ve replied “yeah, and my father and brother arent insecure controlfreaks”.
NTA, Im honestly ashamed as a man that guys act this way. A relationship built without trust, is never going to work and the way he acts just screams he has no trust in you.
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I had a guy follow me out of a store and block my car in with his until I gave him my number. I gave him a google voice number that I made specifically for situations like this. He didn’t let me leave until he called me and saw my phone light up.
The next day he called and said he had a girlfriend but “just had to get to know me.”
You’re not in the wrong. Men escalate situations like this immediately and we don’t know what they’re capable of. Even when we’re “nice,” there’s still a chance that they’ll lash out due to their bruised ego…kind of like how your boyfriend is acting.
Enjoy being single! NTA.
NTA, women literally get stabbed to death being rude to guys who sexually harass them in public. Like, does that happen all the time? Of course not, but it happens often enough to want to avoid it
r/whenwomenrefuse
Saying no can get you stabbed.
Once you make yourself fully responsible for his insecurities, the slope will get even more slippery.
> There was back & forth but ultimately he told he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t listen.
There you go. There is nothing you can do to seem right in his eyes. He wants you to be wrong, listen and obey.
NTA
NTA. Sorry, but your boyfriend is kind of a loser. Imagine getting mad at the victim of unwanted catcalling, flirtation, and sexual advances. He’s not thinking about your safety, he’s only thinking about his ego. What a moron.
He is not your father or your creator. It’s not his job or his privilege to tell you how to move through the world.
NTA but your boyfriend sounds immature.
Info – was the phone thing your idea or his? Like, did he ask or demand that you stay on the phone with him during deliveries, or did you do it out of concerns for safety etc.? Based on the rest of your post, I have a feeling how you’ll answer.
>
He’s made comments multiple times about how dudes still stare at me while we’re out together
Oh buddy. Dude.
>“his mom and sister is mean to guys all the time” I tell him I’m not his mom or sister and there’s little he can understand because he’s not a women that’s had to deal with this. There was back & forth but ultimately he told he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t listen.
Translation – “I don’t want to be with you because you have your own thoughts and opinions about how you interact with other men, I am very insecure and need you to do as I say.”
Walk the other way, and don’t look back. You’re better off without him and will find someone who respects you.
NTA. Bf strikes me as the type of man he fears will steal his gf. The relationship feels controlling and creepy.
NTA. He did you a favor, he’s only gonna get more controlling because his problem isn’t really with your behavior it’s that other men won’t stop finding you attractive, which won’t change.
So he’ll go harder, impose more rules and conditions and take out his frustration that none of that works on you because you’re the only one there for him to be mad at. The only way this will change is if he has total control over a woman or if he gets over his insecurity. You shouldn’t be participating in either one of those
NTA
Your boyfriend should be supporting you right now and recognize that you were uncomfortable. His behavior is not worthy of being your boyfriend.
For your own sake, you could practice turning down men more. That man has no right to waste your time and if you’re in a public restaurant you’re in a place that safety is higher. Do what makes you feel safe, but creeps will follow you around if they’re not given a direct answer also.
NTA – and you are *so* much better off without this controlling insecure boyfriend. Also, have you taken a moment to think about what kind of pathetic insecurity it is, your ex couldn’t find *anything* better to do than be on the phone with you the entire time that you’re working? Like, I love my wife, and I enjoy spending time with her – but when she’s at work, she’s working – she doesn’t need me listening over her shoulder the whole time trying to observe every minute.
And it *does* suck that you can’t exist without having to justify not being interested in these random guys.
Why are you with a man who feels like he can dictate your behavior in social situations?
NTA – I deal with being approached when out with my girlfriend more than she gets approached. She thinks it’s funny as fuck, because she will just glance over at the line to the bar and see someone trying to chat me up and the absolute look of “leave me alone, I don’t know you” on my face has her crying laughing every time. Strong relationship = trust, doesn’t matter how you tell the dude get pissed as long as you tell him get pissed.
“…ultimately he told he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t listen.” Awesome, great, now you’re free to find a much less controlling boyfriend. NTA
NTA easiest fix? Wear a ring. Won’t stop all of them but cut down a good amount. Honestly sounds like BF has some insecurities going on.
Hes right – you dont need to be “mean”, but you definitely need to be cold. Just dont reply or make eye contact even when these men speak. Simple
NTA. it’s clear he has no idea what he’s talking about, and that he’s jealous in a somewhat concerning way. this sort of insecurity is pretty unattractive, and embarrassing. if he can’t trust you, the whole concept of a relationship goes out the window.
but if you want to explain the situation to him, tell him to imagine he’s in this situation, but it’s all happening in prison. he’s getting approached by men who are larger and tougher than him. does he think antagonizing them is the best strategy?
Your boyfriend is insecure af (as most dudes are from 12 until full frontal lobe development, I know I was). His anger is misdirected. He should be pissed off that most dudes don’t have the sense, humility, or respect to accept when they’re rejected. Or the situational awareness to read context and know when it is and when it is not appropriate to make passes at women. NTA.
NTA.
NTA he listens to you on the phone the whole time you door dash??
Girl, no no no no. That is creepy and weird and controlling. It’s one thing to share your location but him listening to every interaction is level 10 creepy behavior.
As a man I see your boyfriend is the controlling sort. He doesn’t trust you nor does he want you to be independent. You may have just dodged a sniper kill shot
NTA – your priority is to read the situation and keep yourself safe. Your boyfriend is responsible for his feelings.
NTA, but you will be if you stay with him. How small and mean do you want to make your world, just to have this tiny-souled man in it?
NTA. He’s one of the bad ones. You’re better off without him.
Can we talk about how he insists on listening in on all your work interactions so he can critique them? That’s weird and creepy stalker behavior.
Sounds like you’re dealing with some creeps at work and one huge creep in your personal life. Sorry, that can’t be fun.
NTA he’s insecure and taking it out on you. A normal guy will trust that you are smart enough to assess a situation and react accordingly. Him trying to control your narrative and imply you don’t know how to manage yourself in tough situations is very insulting.