I (25F, married 3 years) live in a joint family with my husband(27M), our toddler(13Months) his parents, his younger siblings, and his grandmother. There are eight of us in the same house. My husband and I stay in the upper portion but there is actually nothing functional there. There is no kitchen and not even a basic water setup, which means for everything I have to go downstairs. The maid also comes according to my mother in law’s timing, not mine, so I cannot even manage my own portion or routine independently.
For the first couple of years things were very peaceful. My mother in law cared for me and the household ran smoothly. Recently though she has started criticizing me over small things. My lifestyle and schedule are different from hers. I run work from home with late and unpredictable hours. On top of that my baby is teething and often wakes at night, so I also wake up late. My mother in law strongly believes that a daughter in law should be up early, supervise the maid, and keep the house in line the way she used to in her time.
I do help around the house. Almost every day I prepare the evening tea and snacks. I set the dinner table and clear it after meals. I knead dough whenever I am asked to, and I cook simple things when I can. But whenever I try to take responsibility in ways that fit my timing, she either dismisses it or insists it does not count. Once I even suggested taking charge of all evening work, but she said there is no work at that time even though tea and dinner prep clearly happen then. It feels like no matter what I do, it is framed as me being lazy or doing things only when it suits me.
The hardest part is when she says I do not “own” the house or that I have changed her son’s upbringing because he does not demand the same things from me. She has even said she spent her whole life raising him with certain values and now she cannot watch those values being undone. That hurt because my husband has never taunted me about my habits. He tells me his vision is bigger than these small things and that elders’ mindsets may never change. He asks me to hold on for a few years until he can arrange a separate setup for us.
I do not think my mother in law is a bad person. She has cared for us and she genuinely keeps the household running. But the constant nitpicking, the comparisons to how she or others used to manage things, and the fact that my upstairs space is not self-sufficient have made life very stressful. I feel trapped between wanting to keep the peace and knowing that whatever I do will never fully satisfy her.
AITA for not being able to live up to my in-laws’ expectations in a joint family?
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I (25F, married 3 years) live in a joint family with my husband(27M), our toddler(13Months) his parents, his younger siblings, and his grandmother. There are eight of us in the same house. My husband and I stay in the upper portion but there is actually nothing functional there. There is no kitchen and not even a basic water setup, which means for everything I have to go downstairs. The maid also comes according to my mother in law’s timing, not mine, so I cannot even manage my own portion or routine independently.
For the first couple of years things were very peaceful. My mother in law cared for me and the household ran smoothly. Recently though she has started criticizing me over small things. My lifestyle and schedule are different from hers. I run work from home with late and unpredictable hours. On top of that my baby is teething and often wakes at night, so I also wake up late. My mother in law strongly believes that a daughter in law should be up early, supervise the maid, and keep the house in line the way she used to in her time.
I do help around the house. Almost every day I prepare the evening tea and snacks. I set the dinner table and clear it after meals. I knead dough whenever I am asked to, and I cook simple things when I can. But whenever I try to take responsibility in ways that fit my timing, she either dismisses it or insists it does not count. Once I even suggested taking charge of all evening work, but she said there is no work at that time even though tea and dinner prep clearly happen then. It feels like no matter what I do, it is framed as me being lazy or doing things only when it suits me.
The hardest part is when she says I do not “own” the house or that I have changed her son’s upbringing because he does not demand the same things from me. She has even said she spent her whole life raising him with certain values and now she cannot watch those values being undone. That hurt because my husband has never taunted me about my habits. He tells me his vision is bigger than these small things and that elders’ mindsets may never change. He asks me to hold on for a few years until he can arrange a separate setup for us.
I do not think my mother in law is a bad person. She has cared for us and she genuinely keeps the household running. But the constant nitpicking, the comparisons to how she or others used to manage things, and the fact that my upstairs space is not self-sufficient have made life very stressful. I feel trapped between wanting to keep the peace and knowing that whatever I do will never fully satisfy her.
AITA for not being able to live up to my in-laws’ expectations in a joint family?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because instead of following my mother in law’s schedule and standards for running the household, I try to do things on my own timing. This leads to me waking up late, handling chores later in the day, and not managing the maid the way she wants. From her perspective, I may look irresponsible or disrespectful to the household routine, even though I do contribute in other ways.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No thank you
Most of the answers you will get will be very American. I’m not sure how helpful they will be.
Move out. His choice is to move out now or wind up divorced.
If anything is going to improve things, it’s your husband standing up to his mother.
He needs to be telling her that times have changed and you’re doing what he expects the way he expects it, and that she should respect that. She’s not going to respect you directly because she sees you as lower in the hierarchy than her, but she’s less likely to tell her son that he’s wrong. Fundamentally, you’re NTA, but it’s not that you can’t meet her outdated expectations, it’s that you shouldn’t even be expected to try.
So, don’t fight this head on, make him stand in front of you as a shield.
NTA Your husband is on your side, and he has the right. You cannot teach old dog new tricks. Mothey in law may not change her mind. People tend to get more bitter when they are getting older. Is it also possible that your mother in law is going through menopause? Hormone fluctuations could lead to a bad mood.
But you should ask your husband for support in this discussion. It is his mother, so he should help in explaining that you cannot take those responsibilities. Maybe it will help or maybe not, but it is is worth to try.
NTA Your husband is on your side, and he has the right. You cannot teach old dog new tricks. Mothey in law may not change her mind. People tend to get more bitter when they are getting older. Is it also possible that your mother in law is going through menopause? Hormone fluctuations could lead to a bad mood.
But you should ask your husband for support in this discussion. It is his mother, so he should help in explaining that you cannot take those responsibilities. Maybe it will help or maybe not, but it is is worth to try.
You are NTA but you need to have a conversation about moving out much faster than “a few years.”
That sort of nitpicking is going to destroy your marriage.
Your husband is the ahole telling you to just suck it up
NTA, baby’s, especially toddlers, cause stress everywhere. I am assuming that leaving isn’t really an option. She also sounds a bit envious that your life is easier than hers. Being told you are not good enough is very toxic and not at all easy to live with! My condolences.
You might try showering her with appreciation and see if that reduces her complaints. If she is going through menopause she might not realize how toxic she is, nor would telling her help unfortunately!
Check with your husband first to see if he thinks it might work, as he probably knows her best. As if she just wants to be mad at you, there is nothing you can do, but if not, giving appreciation might help ward off some of her worst behaviors.
Tell her how having such a wonderful family makes everything so much easier for you as a working mom, and you know that’s because of everything she does. Ask her if there is any household chore you can take off of her plate. If she likes flowers, buy her some flowers from you and your baby. If she ever babysits for you, tell her how much you appreciate the time etc. etc.
NTA! time to move your family out and start your life without your MIL involved. She obviously wants you to conform to her ideals of what a wife for her baby boy should be. Telling you that you don’t own the house you are helping support, live in and that your contributions mean nothing unless it’s on her time is BS.