I (20F) was forced into an arranged marriage with my cousin (29M) three years ago. I rejected his proposal multiple times, but neither my family nor his listened to me. After getting married, I hoped things might change, and he would be more understanding. However, whenever I refused his advances, he would get angry and tell both of our families, causing problems.
Eventually, I gave in and agreed to be physically intimate with him, even though I made it clear from the start that I didn’t love him. The idea of being with him made me feel uncomfortable, but I did it to avoid conflict. Over the past three years, I haven’t shown any affection toward him. His issue is that I don’t act like a loving wife, and I don’t initiate anything, which frustrates him. Now, everyone is questioning why I’m not attracted to him, especially since people say he’s a “nice guy.” I’m starting to feel bad for not being attracted to him.
He often tells me I’m selfish and that I’ve ruined his life, despite me telling his mother from the beginning that I didn’t want this marriage. I’ve tried talking to her, but she can’t bear the thought of someone who’s not related to her by blood being her daughter-in-law. She’s afraid that if I leave, another woman who isn’t related to her might take her son away from her, and she can’t accept that.
I feel stuck because if I were to divorce him, the stigma surrounding divorce in my community would make my life extremely difficult. On top of that, my family keeps saying that “nikkah should make you fall in love with your spouse,” which just makes me feel even more isolated and confused.
So, AITA for not being able to feel attracted to my husband and for not wanting to be intimate with him, even though I sleep with him to avoid conflict?
Comments
You’re not in the wrong for not feeling attracted to your husband, especially since you were forced into this marriage against your will. It’s infuriating that people are blaming you for not being affectionate when they completely ignore the fact that you never wanted this in the first place.
>I’ve tried talking to her, but she can’t bear the thought of someone who’s not related to her by blood being her daughter-in-law.
Eww!
I sympathize with you! The western background I come from would say divorce him and move on. But I understand the cultural implications… being shunned from your family and the stigma that would come from that. Can you both try counseling from your mosque? I am sure that you are not the first person who has gone through this within your community. Reach out for some support
NTA. You can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone.
I’m so sorry you were pressured into this situation. Do you think you can bear it for a lifetime?
What country and culture is this? Would you have any recourse if you did divorce him? Maybe there are organizations that would help you get out? This is very hard due to the cultural pressures.
What else do you have going on? Do you have access to college or other opportunities that might be available?
I’m afraid for you that if you stay you’ll sooner or later be pregnant and have kids and then it will become almost impossible to extract yourself from this loveless life.
Nta
You are not the A-Hole.
What you’re going through is incredibly difficult, but your feelings are completely valid. Being forced into a marriage and having your boundaries disregarded is terrible it’s not selfish to not feel attraction or affection when you didn’t choose this marriage you’ve been clear about your discomfort from the start, and it’s not your fault that things didn’t change
Your husband’s anger and the pressure from both families are unfair. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to force affection or intimacy. Society’s expectations shouldn’t make you feel trapped, and your well being should come first
You deserve respect, understanding, and a relationship where your feelings are valued. Please don’t blame yourself for trying to fix a difficult situation
He’s not a nice guy if he’s pressuring a woman into having sex. Can you get out of this marriage?
NTA. Nikkah is not a magic spell. And when you are forced against your will, even less so. And at 17. You weren’t even an adult yet. 17, forced to marry and have sex with a 26 yr old you are related to. If he wanted a loving wife, he should have found one that WANTED to be married to him. I’m sure you weren’t the only single female relative.
In what universe would you ever think you’re TA for this?
NTA, no one should be criticizing you for not being attracted to him when you let your feelings about him and the marriage known from the beginning. You did not ruin your husband’s life. Your husband (and your family) ruined his own life by forcing you to marry him. None of this is your fault.
Your mother in law is related to you by blood so your husband is as well? If so this would be physiological inbreeding, which is an unhealthy practice.
Get a divorce. You have irreconcilable differences. How his mother has so much power over you and him is unacceptable and you weren’t born to live out her fantasies.
You have a right to respect, to be seen fully as a human being, and to keep your body to yourself.
Pack a duffle bag with your documents and necessities walk to the nearest out of town bus/train/plane you can go to a women’s shelter find a job and a lawyer and file for divorce or even annulment (based on you never wanting the marriage and it being force on you whilst underage). Not only was this against your will, but you are now being continuously forced to be intimate with someone almost a decade older but more importantly genetically related to you. And your family is not only condoning this but shaming you for not being into it because it’s NOTHING like what you wanted. Leave now please for your own good before a child is involved before excepting these people becomes genuinely impossible.
You husband should have an “accident”
NTA, run away. I understand that you have serious cultural problems, doesn’t mean you have to stay. Is there any way you can go to another country?
It would help a little if we understood what country you’re from and what situation led to you being forced into marriage.
In New York state for example such things are very uncommon. They would be illegal in fact. So if you could tell about where and when and how this all happened
Your lack of attraction to him is basic biology, your body is telling you that inbreeding is NOT healthy and not ok.
By the sounds of it you sound like your from a muslim south asian family, first of all being forced makes your nikah (marriage) void under islamic law , you can not force yourself to love someone when you told your family countless of times that you didnt want to marry him. You are not here to please anyone but god if you want a divorce seek it go to your local imam and ask for khul, clearly you are not happy and you have tried to make it work instead of putting yourself first you have let other peoples opinions dictate your life, tell your husband you cant force to love him when you were forced to marry him.
He clearly isnt a good husband when he pressured you into having sex you might end up upsetting a few family members, but at least you will feel at peace knowing you are out of that marriage.
NTA this is a disturbing practice that should end.
No worries, just shit out cousin inbred crotch goblins until complications…
Run the truck away from this lunatic cult bullshit.
NTA. But…
You need to either accept your culture or reject it. You are in an awful situation but you have just tried to coast without making any decision for 3 years. If you have power to divorce you also had power not to get married. Make a decision and live with the consequences.
NTA – Don’t have sex, if you don’t want to.
Look for organizations that help girls like you, escape.
NTA. Idc where you’re from, “agreeing” to sex under coercion is rape. And your entire family is complicit.
Is it normal in your culture to marry a blood relative. It is taboo in America, although some people still do it since it’s not against the law apparently to marry a cousin.
Ask folks “why would I love a man that I was forced to marry against my will and rapes me regularly? Would you be able to love your spouse if they didn’t respect you as a person?”
I doubt they’ll understand where you’re coming from. But who knows, one or two might realize just how fucked up this really is
And you need to file for divorce as soon as possible. As bad as the stigma is, being raped regularly is much worse. What happens when he gets you pregnant. It’ll be even harder to leave him
You need to start working on your escape plan. You are not safe. How long until he starts to hit you?
You are nothing more than an interactive sex doll to him. He does not view you as a human. You’re a bang-maid
Please protect yourself
And yes, he is raping you if you are not an enthusiastic willing participate. The fact you have to clarify that you don’t love him is worrisome
If the community you are in doesnt accept you, its not the community for you.