My (34m) fiance (34f) and I have been on edge with each other lately and just overall getting into some arguments here and there more frequently lately. Little things to me that end up being a very big deal to her. We recently attended a very nice wedding for one of my family members and everything was really nice imo. Fiance and I had a good time at the reception, had good food, danced, etc.
However, she has been giving me grief during one part of the wedding that I “chose my mom” over her. I was by my fiancé’s side almost the entirety of the ceremony and reception except for one part in the reception where we were sitting down with my parents at a table and I was having a conversation with my mom. My fiance nudged me and asked me to go with her to get a drink at the bar outside a few steps away, but I said go ahead and get one and come back to join us. I was talking with my mom at the moment, who I hadn’t really talked to much of the wedding.
Fiance came back to the table a little upset looking and whispered to me that I should have walked with her. I had been by her side the entire 3+ hours already at that point. I wasn’t trying to ditch her or anything. Well fast forward to today and I’m still catching strays from this event and am told I would choose my mother over her if it came down to it. I tried reassuring her it was nothing like that and that I was just trying to relax for a moment and talk to my mother. We’re too old to be arguing about this kind of stuff imo. AITA?
Tldr; My (34m) fiance (34f) asked me to walk with her to the bar for a drink during a wedding. I told her to go ahead and come back while I talk to my mother for a minute. She claims I chose my mother over her and has been upset about it. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My (34m) fiance (34f) and I have been on edge with each other lately and just overall getting into some arguments here and there more frequently lately. Little things to me that end up being a very big deal to her. We recently attended a very nice wedding for one of my family members and everything was really nice imo. Fiance and I had a good time at the reception, had good food, danced, etc.
However, she has been giving me grief during one part of the wedding that I “chose my mom” over her. I was by my fiancé’s side almost the entirety of the ceremony and reception except for one part in the reception where we were sitting down with my parents at a table and I was having a conversation with my mom. My fiance nudged me and asked me to go with her to get a drink at the bar outside a few steps away, but I said go ahead and get one and come back to join us. I was talking with my mom at the moment, who I hadn’t really talked to much of the wedding.
Fiance came back to the table a little upset looking and whispered to me that I should have walked with her. I had been by her side the entire 3+ hours already at that point. I wasn’t trying to ditch her or anything. Well fast forward to today and I’m still catching strays from this event and am told I would choose my mother over her if it came down to it. I tried reassuring her it was nothing like that and that I was just trying to relax for a moment and talk to my mother. We’re too old to be arguing about this kind of stuff imo. AITA?
Tldr; My (34m) fiance (34f) asked me to walk with her to the bar for a drink during a wedding. I told her to go ahead and come back while I talk to my mother for a minute. She claims I chose my mother over her and has been upset about it. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for not walking with my fiance for a short while to go get a drink with her at the bar like she asked.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Are you sure your fiancée is 34 and not 14?
> Little things to me that end up being a very big deal to her.
Do you have any other examples beyond the wedding?
NTA. She sounds like a child. You guys are indeed way too old for this.
>Little things to me that end up being a very big deal to her
If she’s getting this worked up over something like this, look out. The fact that she’s apparently holding a grudge over this is crazy.
NTA. If there were a good reason for her to not want to be out of arm’s distance from you, like a “Missing Stair” relative trying to corner her to be inappropriate, that would be a different story.
Clearly you don’t know what good reason she might have to act so jealous or insecure. SO, it’s time to ask some questions. Interesting that you not walking 20′ with her becomes you “choosing your mom”.
Lean into that; what’s up with her and your mom?
NTA.
It’s totally ok to mingle with others at a wedding (especially if it isn’t your own, lol). The only reason I can see she wanted you to come with her is because she was upset you talked to your mother and wanted you to get away from her… which leaves 2 options:
Either you are a lot more often choosing your mother over her than you realise. In which case maybe you should become more self aware and balance it. Of course you should talk to your mother and spend time with her etc., but if you want to make this woman your wife, you have to make her a priority in your life, maybe even more so than your mother. Especially if you want to have kids with her one day.
Or the second option she is clingy/ obsessive and can’t walk 10 meters by herself and needs your constant attention at all times. In which case I’d probably second guess if I really want to get married. It’s not going to get better from than an. (Is she the same if you talk to a sibling, cousin or friend?).
NTA
This is unacceptable!!! Based on your post, she was not abandoned, but rather could not stand not having physical possession of you the entire time. This is not mature behavior. You didn’t go off with your mother and not come back, you didn’t deny her your company…. She (allegedly) wanted a drink from the bar a few step away and when you told her to go get it, you’d be staying where you were finishing the conversation you were in the midst of and yet she thinks you are the problem. If she doesn’t have a pinkie on her finger, then I guess she thinks that’s you. This is not healthy and needs to be addressed in therapy or something… DO NOT GET MARRIED until you have addressed this issue!!!!! (It only gets harder after I DO)
NTA. You didn’t ditch her or ignore her for the night, you just had a conversation with your mom. Her “you’d choose your mom over me” comment is over the top.
Why? Why should you have walked with her? Why?
Seems like she’s looking for things to get mad about. Do you just do exactly what she wants most of the time?
NTA, but are you sure you want this for your life?
Yeah, NTA.
Your fiancé has some codependency issues and is acting the fool. Did something happen that she feels she needs to keep an eye on you for? Has she always been like this?
Honestly, if my SO treated me like this at a party, I’d be pissed. While I enjoy spending time with my partner, if they are so codependent that I can’t have a conversation with my own family member for a minute, we are not a good match.
>We’re too old to be arguing about this kind of stuff imo.
Heck, anyone over the age of 16 is too old to be arguing over stuff like this. Have a sit down with her to express your feelings, keep the statements to “I” statements. “I felt really hurt by your actions” “I don’t understand why having a conversation with my mom when I was with you all night was such a big deal.” And at the end of the day – I’d choose my mom over someone like this, too. She sounds exhausting.
And you want to marry this person? Lol good luck
> My (34m) fiance (34f) and I have been on edge with each other lately and just overall getting into some arguments here and there more frequently lately.
Info: do any of them involve your fiance perceiving that you’re siding with your family over her? Maybe in regards to wedding planning stuff?
NTA Date women, not immature little girls
NTA. I’m pretty sure about my judgment but this sounds ridiculous, getting mad about mingling with your family at a wedding, so I’m curious: Is she always this clingy? Does she get along with your mother? How long have you been together? Do you each go out separately with friends? Do your recent arguments revolve around her expectations for you being at her side at all times?
NTA. I would have no problem at all with my fiancé talking with his mom. Life is short to bicker about silly stuff like this.
NTA. But this probably isn’t really about you talking to your mom at the wedding. Sit down with her and find out what’s really going on.
NTA. I’d pump the brakes on marrying this woman. She was clearly trying to get you away from your parents and that just is not appropriate at a family wedding. It sounds like she is ramping up trying to isolate you from your family, or at least have control over your interactions with them.
You’re probably NTA, but we’re missing some context. The fact that you posted something this trivial just to get reassurance from strangers online makes me think you might not be that much more mature than she is.
How often do you have arguments like this? Are you someone who gets really stressed by them, or can you brush them off with humor?
Sometimes, as unfair as it may seem, being overly rational or trying to dissect a minor disagreement can actually make things worse. It’s important to learn to let small things go and accept minor annoyances (I know how hard that can be, trust me).
NTA…This is a little immature for a thirty-something year old. You didn’t choose your mother over her. You were having an adult conversation with someone. You need to get to the bottom of this BEFORE you get married yourselves.
NTA. What is her relationship like with your mother, her future MIL? Did she know anyone else at the wedding? This is clearly a flag. Proceed accordingly.
Clingy
She sounds exhausting. NTA
A wedding is about going to a wedding, it’s not about all the socializing catch-up for five days after. Your fiancé is cracked.
This is how your marriage would be
NTA Good luck with this one.
Whoa.
I felt smothered just reading this.
NTA – ask her what’s REALLY up with her cos if just talking to your mom for a bit is the only reason, I’d probably bail.
NTA is it possible there is more to this than just what happened that night?
If not, wow your fiance is clingy. Can’t even get a drink by herself, yikes.
NTA. Time to reconsider marrying a clinger. That type of behavior ALWAYS gets worse.
My husband and I live in the southern USA whilst the majority of my family lives in western Canada. Needless to say he has met my extended family only a handful of times. This summer we attended a wedding for a family member and there were several guests I had not seen in many years and many many more I had never even met. My husband who is not social and barely knew anyone did just fine on his own while I mingled and greeted people I was excited to see. Did I spend the vast majority of my time at his side? Yes. Was it every second? No. Did he implode? Also no. For being 34yo your fiance sounds exhausting… NTA
NTA. If fiancè needs a babysitter, they aren’t ready for marriage.
Why are you with this pain in the ass?
NTA… by the way you described it you would think it was your girlfriend that’s meeting eveyone for the first time. She’s your fiance so clearly she’s met eveyone and they know her, it’s crazy that she wouldn’t even walk a few feet by herself while you talked to your mother. She sounds very clingy and I would reevaluate getting married or talk about this behavior before you decide to get married.
NTA. That sounds really smothering, clingy and kind of controlling. I have never been at a wedding where the bride and groom where attached at the hip through the whole ceremony and reception. Did your reception not have things like parent’s dances? It’s pretty normal for the bride and groom to talk to their family and friends at the wedding and to not be in each other’s pockets the whole time.
Edit: if this was someone else’s wedding, not yours. then this is even more problematic. She seems really insecure and like she is trying to control or even prevent you interacting with your family
Info needed, was there a reason she wanted you to walk with her? Like she was uncomfortable or someone was creeping her out?
Your other example was someone stopping by the house without you telling her in advance. That would be annoying to me too personally. Less so if they didn’t come in, but most people don’t like unexpected visitors. Like a heads up is important in shared living spaces, even if it’s for a short time.
I understand anxiety but if she can’t walk 5 feet to get a drink, she’s too immature to get married.
NTA. Ew gross on her for using language like “choosing your mother over me” – that’s manipulative and there is no right answer to it because there was no “choosing”.
I thought she was in her early twenties with an insecurity like that. Constantly arguing is a bad sign. I can’t imagine staying upset about something so small for days! She sounds miserable when she is upset.
Red flag. Such a red flag. I hate saying run because all relationships have hurdles but when your girlfriend has an issue with your mom? Always an issue. You’ll hear it again in other context later in life too.
You don’t want your girlfriend to feel like she is competition ever with your mom. If she has said similar things or continues to say things like that, I’d be worried because it does not get better. Good luck!
Sounds like you’re not telling us the most important things: what is the relationship of your fiance with your mother? How close are you and your mother? Have you ever been accused of being a mama’s boy? did you ever break up with another girlfriend over your mom’s behavior?
Main thing – is your mother the source of many of your arguments with your fiance? Does your mom play a role in your wedding planning? Do you side with her and not your fiance? Do you feel like you’re torn between your mom and your fiance ever?
I don’t feel like you’re being honest here – too much is missing. but you sure were able to paint your fiance in a poor light- I just don’t believe it.
Nta your fiance was way out of line saying you’d choose your mum over her just because you wouldn’t hold her hand to get a drink. Please show her these comments because you’ll have a hard time finding one thatd side with her
Shes needy. I think if these little things are causing arguments its time to get counselling before you spend money on a wedding
There are missing missing reasons here OP.
You’re both way too old to be playing these games. If she constantly needs to test you – about your mother, your loyalty to her, how far away from her you’re allowed to walk (?!?!?) – she’s not ready for marriage. Either she is unsure about you or her mask is slipping and you’re finally seeing the real her, and it isn’t cute. NTA
Editing to ask…does she have particular issues with crowds or your family? Some people can experience tug-of-wars with a partner’s parent (i.e., mother doesn’t want to let go of her “special boy”, etc) but from your post, it sounds like you’re having issues across the board. That makes a difference. Still going with NTA
NTA, but do you generally enjoy misery?
NTA I can only really come to one of two conclusions:
1.) She’s kind of immature and clingy. (Based on the info provided)
2.) You have a history of being a momma’s boy that we’re not talking about here and she’s on high alert.
Gotta be one or the other.
NTA and I don’t know who these ridiculously insecure women are or why someone would want to marry them.
Are you sure your fiance isn’t 12?