AITA for wanting to talk to my friend who’s also my caregiver about the food they make me because it’s not very nice
So I’m disabled and I can’t cook for myself anymore. I also have a few intolerances which make ordering take away pretty much impossible. I live with my closest friend and since my condition has worsened I have carers but they can’t make food (they come in 15 minutes twice a day). My friend said she’d cook for me and asked me all these questions about my current diet. I had a basic wholefoods plan written up but a dietician to help with my symptoms which I showed her. When I was well enough to cook I followed this plan and my diet cosnisted mostly of rice, quinoa, fresh fish, chicken, eggs, vegetables and fruits that I could tolerate, soups, stews, curries and lots of anti inflammatory spices like tumeric and ginger and cumin etc.
It’s so kind of her to offer to cook for me but the food she has been making me has nothing to do with my plan and is so badly cooked I’ve not been able to eat much and am losing a lot of weight. She’ll make me chips (fries) with some fish fingers and completely burn the entire thing. Not just a little bit but so it’s black and serve it to me. Sometimes I’ll go a week without a vegetable and I tried ordering a salad from a local food place just to get my portions in but even that I reacted to sadly. I bought loads of ingredients like expensive organic grains and frozen fish and chicken and spices and even fresh stuff that she just doesn’t use.
The other day I asked her if she could grab me some fruit when she went shopping and she bought me one of those tins with fruit cut up in syrup. I just wanted something fresh. And she made me a curry once and it was a tin of coconut milk poured over some cooked rice and raw chickpeas. I did mention wanting some more vegetables once so she started cooking me plain pasta that’s hard and undercooked with raw parsnips in it. That’s been a staple. The thing is I know she can cook, ive had her food lots of times before. I’m just not sure what’s going on. I don’t have much of an appetite due to the meds I’m on and it’s been incredibly hard to motivate myself to eat when the food is so plain or badly cooked. Thank god I can eat oat cakes and nuts which I’ve been living on mostly
My symptoms have worsened and I feel tired and nauseous all the time. I used to have a bowel movement every day and now it’s once every three or 4 days. I’ve started reacting to more foods too I think becausee my microbiome is getting completely fucked and Im upset because I put so much energy into eating nutritious food when I was able to and feel like it’s all been undone. My physiotherapist is concerned about my diet and with me not eating much and has urged me to try and do something about it
I want to talk to her about it but I feel like an ungrateful friend because she didn’t have to take one this responsibility and is doing it out of the kindness of her heart.
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AITA for wanting to talk to my friend who’s also my caregiver about the food they make me because it’s not very nice
So I’m disabled and I can’t cook for myself anymore. I also have a few intolerances which make ordering take away pretty much impossible. I live with my closest friend and since my condition has worsened I have carers but they can’t make food (they come in 15 minutes twice a day). My friend said she’d cook for me and asked me all these questions about my current diet. I had a basic wholefoods plan written up but a dietician to help with my symptoms which I showed her. When I was well enough to cook I followed this plan and my diet cosnisted mostly of rice, quinoa, fresh fish, chicken, eggs, vegetables and fruits that I could tolerate, soups, stews, curries and lots of anti inflammatory spices like tumeric and ginger and cumin etc.
It’s so kind of her to offer to cook for me but the food she has been making me has nothing to do with my plan and is so badly cooked I’ve not been able to eat much and am losing a lot of weight. She’ll make me chips (fries) with some fish fingers and completely burn the entire thing. Not just a little bit but so it’s black and serve it to me. Sometimes I’ll go a week without a vegetable and I tried ordering a salad from a local food place just to get my portions in but even that I reacted to sadly. I bought loads of ingredients like expensive organic grains and frozen fish and chicken and spices and even fresh stuff that she just doesn’t use.
The other day I asked her if she could grab me some fruit when she went shopping and she bought me one of those tins with fruit cut up in syrup. I just wanted something fresh. And she made me a curry once and it was a tin of coconut milk poured over some cooked rice and raw chickpeas. I did mention wanting some more vegetables once so she started cooking me plain pasta that’s hard and undercooked with raw parsnips in it. That’s been a staple. The thing is I know she can cook, ive had her food lots of times before. I’m just not sure what’s going on. I don’t have much of an appetite due to the meds I’m on and it’s been incredibly hard to motivate myself to eat when the food is so plain or badly cooked. Thank god I can eat oat cakes and nuts which I’ve been living on mostly
My symptoms have worsened and I feel tired and nauseous all the time. I used to have a bowel movement every day and now it’s once every three or 4 days. I’ve started reacting to more foods too I think becausee my microbiome is getting completely fucked and Im upset because I put so much energy into eating nutritious food when I was able to and feel like it’s all been undone. My physiotherapist is concerned about my diet and with me not eating much and has urged me to try and do something about it
I want to talk to her about it but I feel like an ungrateful friend because she didn’t have to take one this responsibility and is doing it out of the kindness of her heart.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel ungrateful for talking to my PT about the bad food my friend makes me and I worry that bringing it up with my friend would be a horrible and mean thing to do. I feel like an asshole for not being more appreciative of her cooking.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – this person is taking advantage of your condition and this is carer abuse. Nobody would think that undercooked pasta and raw parsnips was an acceptable meal. What is she eating? I bet it’s not the same as what she’s serving you.
Are you able to contact your healthcare providers and explain the situation? They may be able to suggest a ready-made meal service you can use that can be tailored to your diet.
This person is not a friend. This food is a power trip and she is actively trying to make you more ill.
“Hey [Friend]. I really appreciate how you’ve been trying to help with cooking. It makes me feel really loved and supported. But, after checking in with my doctor, this isn’t working and I’m losing too much weight. Can we try doing some big batch cooking and filling my freezer? Maybe we can try on a day I’m feeling a little better and do it together?”
I cannot recommend Souper Cubes enough for this. (Or the Amazon knock-offs). I don’t have a disability, but I live alone, and cooking for 1 is a pain. Make large batches of diet-friendly foods and freeze them and then microwave as needed. You can freeze things separately or as a meal. I often make a big batch of rice and freeze it in the 1/2 silicone mold and a 1 cup of chili or [insert other dinner option] and nuke them together It’s been a massive help.
NTA. Whether it’ll do any good depends on the conversation you’re planning on having. Because the conversation you should be having here is that her cooking for you doesn’t seem to be working out, so you need to come up with a different way for you to eat. And then you need to do that.
If the conversation you’re thinking about having is about how bad the food has been and the fact that she took on this responsibility and now is failing to follow through with it…I think she probably already realizes that, since this is nothing like how she normally cooks, but either she doesn’t want to put in the effort or she thinks the way she normally cooks would cause reactions. Maybe some of both. I normally advocate for being direct about your needs and how you would like them to be met, but I just don’t think that’s going to get you anywhere in this situation. She has to be aware of how badly she’s phoning it in, and it sounds like there have been some conversations about your expectations at the beginning and how her cooking isn’t meeting your nutritional needs since then, but she’s still doing this.
Sometimes ableism pops up in unexpected ways, like volunteering to help but then deciding that the person you’re helping doesn’t really need/deserve the labor you volunteered for. Sometimes it’s just people getting overwhelmed when the task they volunteered for turns out to be more labor-intensive than they expected. There’s a weird hint of maybe infantilization here (serving you foods a picky kid would like), or maybe it’s not thinking you need/deserve the labor and expense of making the kind of food you normally eat? I’m not sure exactly the why, but as a fellow disabled person, something feels off here.
If you could do the cooking if she took care of all of the prep, that might be a way to make her helping you work. If not, then I think you need to find someone else to take care of cooking for you. You deserve to have your nutritional needs met, but it doesn‘t sound like your friend has any interest in actually doing that. I don’t think having a conversation about that will change things with someone falling this short.
Its very difficult. I can’t decide between NTA and NAH. Undertaking the task of caretaking is much more exhausting than it seems on surface level. I don’t think your friend realized the mental load she would endure trying to cater to your restricted diet.
I understand that, depending on where you are and your own personal circumstances that money and resources are probably tight, so its not easy but… at the end of the day, if you are so incapacitated that you cannot take care of yourself, then you need a home in a community that takes care of you. Or your carers need to have their duties expanded to cooking. If your medical team is concerned, pinning this all on your roommate is not fair in the least.
If your other carers only need to drop in for 15 minute intervals a couple of times a day, it seems like you’re relative independent though. What do they do in those 15 minutes? I am not trying to pry, I am just trying to see how you’re independent enough to be not looked after most of the day, but so disabled you cannot address your own nutrition needs.
I have settled on NAH. I do sympathize with what you’re going through, but I don’t think this is a realistic set up for you or your friend.
Nta. You’d be better off asking someone local to make you food and paying them for the service. Your friend either resents you or doesn’t care to give you a real diet. I would also assume they don’t eat what they cook for you either? Is there anyone else you can lean on or speak to?
Does she benefit from anything, if you pass away?
You also need to speak with your medical team. You need more support than what you are getting. Not having proper nutrition is going to land you in the hospital, and that’s not what you or they want. You may need to look into hiring someone who comes in to batch cook once or twice a week. They could also be hired to do the shopping as well.
NTA for wanting and needing to advocate for yourself and your health.
NTA. Either your friend doesn’t care enough to do a better job, or your friend doesn’t actually know how to cook food that meets your dietary needs — sometimes people who “know how to cook” know how to cook some things they like and nothing else. Whatever’s going on here, this arrangement isn’t working. Can she cook under your direction from recipes you provide, while you watch and supervise to say “no, leave the pasta in the pot longer, it isn’t done?” Is there another person in your support network who could cook for you? Is there a meal service you can afford that could meet your dietary needs? Something’s got to change.