I, 32 F have a younger brother, 24 M Andre. He and his girlfriend announced that they are expecting a baby. My mom is happy that her youngest is about to be a father, but I’m really not all that happy for them.
Andre is on the spectrum and has difficulties maintaining a stable life. He can’t hold down a job more than a few months at a time. He can’t keep an apartment because of this work ethic and had to move back in with dad several times. Constantly asks for money. How can he be expected to take care of a baby? I honestly hope with this news he can get his life together, otherwise, God help that baby. Andre really has no family close to help him out except for dad (mom and our other siblings live in another state, I live 8 hours away across the state). I have no idea if his girlfriend’s family would be willing to help them.
My brother says I’m an asshole for not being more optimistic about his new family. Can anyone blame me? Am I the asshole?
Edit: I did not tell him any of this to his face or give him advice. He just called me an asshole and not being optimistic because I looked more worried than happy for him.
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I, 32 F have a younger brother, 24 M Andre. He and his girlfriend announced that they are expecting a baby. My mom is happy that her youngest is about to be a father, but I’m really not all that happy for them.
Andre is on the spectrum and has difficulties maintaining a stable life. He can’t hold down a job more than a few months at a time. He can’t keep an apartment because of this work ethic and had to move back in with dad several times. Constantly asks for money. How can he be expected to take care of a baby? I honestly hope with this news he can get his life together, otherwise, God help that baby. Andre really has no family close to help him out except for dad (mom and our other siblings live in another state, I live 8 hours away across the state). I have no idea if his girlfriend’s family would be willing to help them.
My brother says I’m an asshole for not being more optimistic about his new family. Can anyone blame me? Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother is going to be a father, but I’m not happy for him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA, if you have expressed these thoughts to you brother, and it seems like you have.
Look, you can have concerns all you want, but they literally do nothing except bring people down. Perhaps your brother is blissfull unaware of his own shortcomings, but that’s probably not true. He doesn’t need you to tell him what’s wrong. He needs to hear that you can’t wait to meet a niece or nephew. Is it a platitude? Yes. Is it true? Only you know. Is it the kind things right now? Yes.
NTA. Someone needs to be the realist. Babies aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of money and support.
I understand where you are coming from, but people on the spectrum are more that capable of being productive members of society, enabling him is what has kept him acting like a child. If he is held accountable and allowed to fail, then he will learn to stand on his own two feet, your dad is enabling him. You don’t have to be happy about a new baby, but you are not supporting your brother, his girlfriend, or the baby financially, so maybe try to support them emotionally. Have as little faith. I don’t know what you have said to your brother but honestly the thing to do it act like it was anyone else having a baby and say congratulations and hope and pray for the best. Your question, “for not being optimistic” is vague, but I am gonna go with light YTA because a baby is on the way and what does your negativity bring to the table?
INFO: you told him all of this as your reaction to their announcement?
your concerns are valid given his history, but it’s understandable he wants support and positivity. It’s a tough situation.
I can’t give a verdict. I certainly understand why you are not happy for him and, depending on how and when he delivered the news, you may have just had a genuine reaction.
If you gave unsolicited feedback or tried to encourage an abortion, that’s different.
YTA for bringing it up to him. You can feel what you want and have whatever concerns you want, but if he didn’t ask your opinion or advice, the best thing you can do in this situation is to keep your mouth shut. Plenty of people turn their life around after having kids. Hopefully, this is a situation where you’re not apprised of the plan your brother and his family have in place for the baby.
The level of negativity you’re bringing by saying this to him after he announces such happy news is so incredibly unnecessary
NTA. But pragmatic people can have a way of bringing others down when we voice our concerns.
At least you are too far away to be relied upon for help and you can just say no to solicitations for money assistance.
I certainly don’t blame you. As a teacher, I always think about how a parent’s seemingly bad choices will affect a child. What I’ve learned is saying something never works. At this level, you can’t turn your life around. It is not about a difference in opinion. It’s about a lifetime of choices that led you to making bad decisions. I disagree that you should be more optimistic. When it comes to raising a child, one should never be in the position of hoping 🤞 a parent will do things right.
NTA. You can’t steer this ship into a different route. Remain in the child’s life bc you have much love to give and wisdom to impart.
How is your opinion on your brothers readiness to be a father helping anything?
Once the child is conceived the man has no rights over the fetus until it’s born. Even if he completely agreed with you his opinion means zilch. He’s going to be a father provided the woman wants the baby, her opinion is the only one that matters right now.
YTA your negativity serves no purpose except to put your brother down – which I believe is your intent even if you don’t admit it. The baby is coming. The mother wants it. That’s it, he will be a father regardless of your opinion. Now you can choose to give your brother positive, constructive advice or you can just be an AH and put him down. Your choice, baby is coming regardless.
NTA
I’m sure you’re worried that you’ll be watching a trainwreck, that you feel that he will financially tax your father and even try to get YOU to fund his life and help with this child. I’m sure you’re also worried that you’ll have to help your father because of your brother.
I think you will feel better if you make it clear that you cannot be relied upon to help with this baby, both time wise and financially. Make it clear to your father that if he chooses to help his son that you cannot help either of them financially.
I think you feel that it’s going to be placed onto you and this is definitely stressing you out, make your boundaries clear so that you can wish him luck and go about your OWN business that you actually have a say in.
My heart aches for this baby.
I mean yeah YTA. You have a lot to criticize but then end the post with Andre having virtually no help outside his dad. All you had to say was congratulations and keep it pushing. Zeroing in on all the reasons he might not provide a stable living for his child doesn’t help anyone.
NTA you allowed to feel how you feel and considering his history, your feelings are valid. It’s not like you told him all of this I refuse to his announcement. He was inferring from “the worried look in your face” which frankly, maybe he’s projecting
YTA
No one is asking you, Yet, to step up and take care of the baby. Your brother is one of two parents. If this was unplanned how every unsuited you feel he is to be a parent you should be more emotionally supportive. He is stepping up as a parent. Knowing that you are going to be a phone call away and he will get sound advice and good instructions is going to be gold for him. If you make him feel he can’t do this because he’s mentally unfit you are going to put him in a place where if in future he is struggling he’s going to feel he can’t call you. People on the spectrum don’t always need someone to step in and do for them. A lot of the time they just need someone to listen and give them direction. Honestly until you meet the girlfriend and her support system its all up in the air. If it helps you to plan for the car he’s driving to crash ok, but don’t act like him getting behind the wheel of a car means he’s going to have an accident as soon as he puts the car in drive.
>I did not tell him any of this to his face or give him advice. He just called me an asshole and not being optimistic because I looked more worried than happy for him.
I think you need to tell us what exactly he was responding to that made him angry at you specifically. If you don’t know then you need to ask him
NTA since you did not say any of this to him.
Your dad will need rock-solid boundaries on this one and I would suggest you set up some for yourself in terms of how much people complain to you or ask for help (such as financial).
Whew. Very sad for the baby but this may be the final straw that gets him to change/seek professional help.
NTA. What really concerns you seems to be the inability to take care of himself, not to speak to a baby. Just stay positive and supportive towards him.
NTA
A man who can’t even take care of himself has no business raising a child.
Don’t give him a dime.
You keep your opinion to your self and be supportive. When you have nothing nice to say you say nothing.
It’s not your business. You feel how you feel but you keep it to yourself. YTA
You’re not an asshole and seem to be entirely correct, but (I hate to say it) his life and how he chooses to run it is none of your business. He’s old enough to make his own life choices and to face the consequences of those choices. You do you and let him do him.
NTA. I’m AuDHD and situations like this are why I yeeted my uterus years ago. I’m very competent (even have a PhD) but have been burned the fuck out since my early 20s. If I can barely take care of myself and can’t be financially independent I have zero business attempting to care for a child, much less nonstop for 18+ years. Big nope.
That’s not to say other autistics can’t successfully raise well adjusted children, but I’ve experienced firsthand what it’s like being raised by parents who were ill equipped to have children around. When I was still a child I promised myself I would never put another kid through the shit I’ve lived through.
Simply wanting kids is NEVER a good enough reason to have them, period. And you are never the asshole for having very reasonable concerns about the choices someone in your family is making, especially when you may end up being an unwilling participant in whatever backup plans I hope those two are making. It’s also not ableist imo, for those who think it’s ableist. Kids should not have to pay the consequences for the choices their parents make.
NTA. I say that because you are entitled to a very valid opinion. Sometimes it’s just better not to share that opinion when everything has already been set in motion, at that point your opinion can’t affect anyone’s choices. I wish everyone the best outcome, it sounds like it will be tough for all involved.
INFO: what is the actual conflict here? Are you being asked to do anything to support your brother that you aren’t doing? Were you rude to him about the situation? Nobody can make you feel a different way, but how you treat people may make you an ah.
YTA.
INFO: when was the last time you, personally, caught Andre doing something right?
You would be surprised how hard a loved one’s inability to do that can hold people down.
He doesn’t need your judgment and worry. He doesn’t need you assuming he will flounder. Those things aren’t supportive, they’re inhibiting. He needs someone to believe in him, just this once, so he has the room to grow into what he’s capable of being.
NTA – so I think this is more about the concerns for the potential new family, than it is about your brothers diagnosis, which is a contributor to why not the point of concern here.
If he frequently requests money, it’s reasonable to expect those requests to increase at best or there needing to be larger support at worst, unless things change.
I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge those things, they can help set up support and set plans preemptively.
There are food stamps for low income people. Also there are foodbanks where the food is free. Google food banks.
There is a program called WIC to help pregnant moms and babies. There are other programs for low income couples. You could babysit occasionally or get some free clothes for them at a church. But no you don’t need to give them money
They should call some churches and ask for information. God bless you.
NTA. My son is the same way. Expecting a baby soon. He can’t keep a job to save his life.