A couple of months ago, my wife and I took our kids to Disneyland. We had been saving up for about a year and during that time I told her I didn’t want her parents, mainly my MIL, to come with us. They have the tendency to simply invite themselves to everything we do, regardless of whether we extend an invite to them or not. To top it off, my MIL is constantly undermining our decisions/rules as parents. In most cases she will do it right in front of us, telling the kids they won’t be in trouble for doing something we literally just told them to stop doing. She’s done it for years now.
I’ve told my wife how frustrating it is, and she agreed that it’s frustrating for her too. So she definitely understood my thoughts and feelings, but she actually thought in this case it would be a good idea if my in laws came with us. She shared her thoughts with me, and after a lengthy discussion, I admit I saw her point and we decided to invite them. I still didn’t want them there with us, but it did make more sense to have them. As usual though, before we could actually ask them if they wanted to come, my in laws had everything they needed booked.
The day of the trip comes, and my MIL was recovering from a knee surgery. To compensate, she had rented a mobility scooter in order to get around the parks more easily. This wasn’t a big deal, because the plan we came up with was to let the kids ride the scooter to and from the park, which was about a mile each way. The hope was that by letting them ride the scooter there and back, we could hopefully save their legs from getting too sore. My wife and I had also brought our stroller for our two year old, so the fact that they were riding the scooter meant the stroller could be used to carry day bags, and souvenirs. The plan worked out great, until we got to the park itself. Despite the previous agreement, my MIL continued to let the kids ride the scooter. It didn’t bother me too much, but it got to a point where she was stopped four times by cast members who told her the kids were not allowed to ride with her for safety reasons. She ignored every single warning, and after the fourth time she was told that if she had to be warned again, she would be removed from the park. Eventually, the kids started physically fighting over whose turn it was to ride the scooter. Then my two year old, while sitting on my MILs lap, managed to turn the scooter on and proceeded to run over my 5 year old. That was enough for my wife and I. We scolded the kids for fighting over the scooter all day, and told them that they were not allowed to ride the scooter anymore. Only when we were going to the park, or leaving the park. My MIL was right next to them when we told them, so I know she heard us.
The next morning, she came to breakfast with all three of the kids on the scooter, smiling and laughing saying “Oh, am I in trouble now?” She truthfully thought it was funny. After another fight amongst the kids before we had even left the hotel, I very sternly reminded everyone that the kids were no longer allowed to ride the scooter, but if their legs got sore they could take turns riding in the stroller. Which is originally why we brought it. This led to my MIL blowing up on my wife and I, scolding us for being disrespectful, unreasonable, and “disgusting” about it. Mid yelling match between my MIL and I, my 2 year old snuck back onto the scooter, turned it on again, and this time almost ran over my 7 year old. I pulled him off and scolded him, which of course led to a nasty tantrum. My MIL looked at me during his tantrum and said “Do you see what you’re doing to your children? Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of the day?”
I have to admit, in that situation after being told I was the one being disrespectful, unreasonable, and “disgusting,” I lost my temper completely. I looked at her and said “Yes, this is exactly what I want. I’ll be the evil f****** step-dad that loves making his kids miserable. But don’t worry, I’ll handle their tantrums.” After that, no one really wanted to talk with me. My wife wouldn’t even walk next to me on the way to the park. I don’t blame them after what I said. I acknowledge that it was pretty uncalled for. I felt so bad I pulled my 8 year old to the side and apologized to him for fighting with his Grandma in front of him, and that he shouldn’t have had to see that. I wanted to apologize to my 5 year old, but she stays pretty much glued to her grandma’s hip at all times. I later learned that part of the reason my FIL wasn’t talking to me was because he and my MIL got into a fight of their own. Apparently he sided with my wife and I, and told my MIL that whether she agreed with our decisions or not, she needed to respect our rules. She took that as a betrayal and wouldn’t talk to him either.
The rest of the trip was, of course, extremely tense. To the extant that you could tell the kids were no longer having fun. I got to a point where, despite how much I really didn’t want to, I gave in and let the kids ride the scooter again. I wanted them to enjoy the trip and make positive memories without memories of the fight. By the end of the trip, my MIL had been told 12 different times by cast members not to let the kids ride the scooter with her, all of which were immediately ignored. It was so bad, my FIL even texted my wife and I, asking if the outcome of the trip meant I would not go on a vacation with them anymore.
It’s been about a month since we got back, and things have improved, but the tension is still there. Every now and then, my MIL will make sarcastic jabs about not wanting to overstep, or not wanting to come across as a bad grandma and she’ll give me a look when she says it. Clearly, she’s still upset about it and when my wife and I talk about the comments, she thinks I should be the bigger person and apologize for everything, not just what I said to my MIL when I was angry. I do think I need to apologize for what I said, but not about the entire thing. I laid down a simple rule, which my MIL blatantly ignored. Why should I apologize for being undermined?
AITAH for not apologizing for everything that happened?
Comments
Yta
NTA, You lost your temper once after days of being ignored, undermined, and having your kids put in danger. You’ve already owned your part. MIL ignored park rules 12 times, caused chaos, and mocked your parenting. Apologizing for that would just reward her behavior. Stand your ground.
NTA!! You laid out the rules for YOUR children and your MIL didn’t respect them.
NTA – Your MIL is teaching your kids to be entitled brats. You and your wife need to have a talk about boundaries and how to enforce them with MIL.
I’d suggest some marriage counseling to navigate this.
nta, you, your wife, and literal staff told her not to put the kids on the scooter. some of the kids even got, or almost got hurt because of it. your blowup was reasonable, the kids are the only ones you should be apologizing to.
NTA.
But I have to ask — is it more important to your wife that her mom is happy? Or that her family (which is you, her, and the kids –NOT HER MOTHER) is happy?
Regarding your outburst — are you the kids’ stepdad? Or father? (if the latter, that does seem an odd thing to say). You wrote: “I do think I need to apologize for what I said, but not about the entire thing.” I think you’re right. But ONLY for what you said.
The real problem, it seems to me, is that the kids assume whatever Mil tells them is fine, because that’s the way it works out in your family. To me, you were absolutely correct in not wanting Mil to go on the trip. But your wife HAS TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE.
Even Fil understands Mil’s behavior is a problem. You wife needs to understand that too.
And there need to be consequences — for example, every passive-aggressive dig Mil makes should be met with a comment FROM YOUR WIFE that basically tells her “shut up or here is your consequence.”
Good luck, u/th_rown_aw_ay. Your wife is very wrong in this. I think that until she gets on board, the situation will stay a clusterfuck and your kids will continue being confused.
Your kid ran over your other kid because mil wont grow up
NTA
My mum and sister used to undermine me like this it sucked because my kids had very little respect for my authority
ESH, why didn’t you and wife tell the kids to not ride on the scooter while in the park. Did you guys lose your voice or something? You’re talking about MIL ignoring you and that’s it… you guys just let it happen? They’re your kids, you tell them to do stuff.
ESH, but leaning towards NTA. These are your kids, not your MIL’s kids. She already had her turn. My mother initially started off very similar when my nephew and niece were born. She would come home and be upset that she was told to respect boundaries and admitted many times to breaking those rules when my brother and his wife weren’t around. I sat her down and explained very clearly that these were not her children and she has no ground to argue anything that was being asked of her at any time when it came to them. Plain and simple, she needed to let her kid raise his own kids on his terms. She got the message and things were really good after that (and no, my brother would not have handled it well as he also has a temper).
Your crashout is where YTA but it’s 100% understandable and arguably justified if not for your poor choice of words. Your MIL is a terror and has already had irrevocable negative impact on your children’s development. It’s your duty to ensure they get their core values and respect for boundaries, rules, etc. Anyone undermining that can gtfo. You have nothing to apologize for other than your blow-up. She has completely overstepped her bounds as a grandmother and yeah, I wouldn’t go on vacation with her ever again; she does not respect you and I dunno where your wife is when all of this is going down, but I have a feeling she’s been a doormat on this front, too. Given that your FIL was also rolling over despite supporting you tells me your MIL has an overbearing personality and zero respect for… well, everybody. You and your wife need to get on the same page first, and then get your in-laws on that same page or agree that travelling together is not going to be a thing in the future.
Everyone in this is an a-hole. Everyone. Every. Single. One. You are probably the least a-hole in a family of a-holes, MIL the number one a-hole followed closely by your wife, but yeah…all a-holes.
I would also recommend NEVER taking MIL on one of your vacations again.
In addition, I would have a conversation with your MIL that if she cannot be civil, stop the sarcasm and taunting looks; you and your family will go low to no contact with her. And also, she needs to stop undermining your parental rules for the children.
She is rude and insufferable and DISRESPECTFUL. I would have parked the scooter and gotten her a wheelchair.
If your wife isn’t on board with these new guidelines for MIL, you might consider marriage counseling.
Wife needs to address this.
NTA (or understandable why you snapped) your wife is the problem! The next time your MIL invites herself, leave the kids and your wife with the MIL. Until your wife is ready to enforce healthy boundaries, there is no reason for you spend the day dealing with MIL’s antics. Instead let your wife spend the day with her mom and kids, without you being a handy emotional punching bag or a supporting player to the MIL show.
NTA but to paraphrase what they always say in r/justnoMIL , you don’t have an in law problem, you have a spouse pronlem.
You are kind of the A for disregarding the park attendants rules about the kids being on the scooter.
This is why she does it. There’s never any consequences, so she knows she can get away with it like a child. There shouldn’t have been 12 opportunities to be told not to ride with the kids.
By you giving in, and the constant reminders from staff, your kids are learning that they don’t have to follow rules.
Nta, I hope your wife is looking forward to her mother, and the fact that she won’t stand up to her being the reason for your divorce
NTA.
I don’t understand why your wife lets her mother override her parenting, especially when it puts the children at risk.
OH FUCK NO!!!!!!!!
PLEASE LOOK AT THE PRIVATE CHAT I AM SENDING YOU AS THEY WOULD TAKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY DOWN!
Ah, I’ve been trained for this by the other AITAH posts, deep breath:
NTA. You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. Tell that mommy’s girl to put on her big girl pants and cry her way home to mommy. Don’t pass go, don’t say anything, proceed straight to divorce.
Sorry, but time to never let your MIL in your home again. If your wife disagrees, she can go to live with her.
Your wife played you re: the Disney vacation and convinced you to let the MIL come along. MIL can see the kids when your wife gets to her house and no more than twice a week. That’s for 6 months and if things improve it can be more times.
If she disrespects you ONCE more time to never see the kids again. This is a hill I would die on myself.
NTA sorry your MIL isn’t the problem your wife is for standing up to her mommy!
NTA. But you have a bigger problem and that is your wife. She should be making her mother back off. Instead, she is undermining you by not speaking out. You lost your temper once, which makes you a better person than most. I personally would have flipped out a lot sooner, so I admire you for your control, but you and your wife really need to get on the same page and reduce your mother-in-laws access to the children as she really is a bad influence on them and really enjoys undermining you and your wife’s parenting and pitting you both against each other.
Nta. You have a wife problem. Do not apoligise. She undermined you and put your children at risk continuously. Why isnt your wife icing her out
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem!
You have a wife problem. NTA.
You should have arrange with a cast member to actually throw her out of the park. (obviously without anyone knowing you were involved) I’m sure the only reason she got away with it is each cast member thought they were the first one telling her.
NTA
I hope you and your wife realised that the tension and complications you received by having your in-laws on this trip far outweighed any benefits you could have had by bringing them along and you never make the mistake of going on vacation with them again.
I would also be very wary of how attached your middle kid is to your MIL and be breaking that up sensitively. She’s 5 so you should be able to redirect her whenever she asks to see grandma. Distract her with something fun, build up her own attachments to you and your wife. You don’t want her to grow up to feel responsible for MIL’s feelings the way your wife does.
Your wife is in the wrong for telling you to apologise for anything. You apologised in the moment for being angry but you were justifiably angry. MIL had been pushing your buttons and no you don’t have to be ‘the bigger person’ when someone is deliberately antagonising you. Your role in the dynamic is to tell the person deliberately ticking you off that you know what they’re doing and they need to knock it off. If they won’t stop, then you remove yourself and any vulnerable kids from the situation. Your wife is wrong and her mother is awful.
The only thing you could have done differently I guess is encourage the park to throw MIL out for breaking the rules and then you and your family could enjoy yourselves without her.
NTA you have a major wife problem. This is divorce worthy. She constantly undermines you and convinces you to go along with what she and her mom wants. You don’t ever really have a choice. Get your kids 50% of the time or just your child/ren that you have with your wife. This is not worth the headache and lack of respect I promise.
NTA, you don’t owe her an apology. I would apologise to all the kids if you haven’t already though.
She continuously disrespected you and your boundaries, risked your children’s safety, and nearly ruined the trip by having you all removed from Disney. I would never go on holiday with her again.
As for your wife, you warned her what would happen, she asked you to allow MIL to come anyway, and what you warned her about happened. I think she owes you an apology honestly.
I read it again. Your wife is playing you. You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a wife problem. Be the bigger person and apologize? Really? You had a conversation and she convinced you it was a good idea for MIL to tag along? Really?
And why did you wife not say Mom, since you are not listening to anybody, see you by the Mickey statue at 8:00 Let’s go gang. The kids start throwing tantrums? Time to go to the hotel to rest kids, you seem tired. Good luck. You have a wife problem and your kids are spoiled.
I don’t understand- what you said wasn’t that bad in the circumstance. Why was your wife so mad at you?
Eff that!! Grandma sucks!! Your wife sucks for not calling her in her bullshit.
You guys had a plan, grandma fucked with it. It’s also so damn embarrassing being told off all the time.
Do not apologise, even for your outburst.
NTA, I think apologising will actually undo the work that has happened so far- because FIL is on side and MIL is at least having to think about the situation, apologising will make her think she’s in the right and you’ll be back at the beginning again. You need to make sure your wife is on the same page cos she looks set to derail it to placate her mother. Consider therapy for you as a couple/family. Your kids are getting mixed messages and are obviously going to listen to whatever gets them what they want, so your MIL. She is in the wrong here and has been told by 12 members of staff- where was her apology?
NTA, but you need to communicate befor things escalate in front of your children. i’m 45 and still remember the biggest fights of my parents, especially those on vacations or at Christmas. The whole memory of this Disney trip will be overshadowed by this fight.
You need to talk to your in laws now. set boundaries and rules for any future interaction.
If they can’t accept your rules, you can’t to trips and outings with them. you know MIL desperately wants to be the ‘fun adult’ for the kids, but she is putting you and your wife in a very bad light.
I’m sorry but I’m stuck on the fact that neither you or your wife were watching your 2 year old TWICE and TWICE he/she got onto the scooter and TWICE ran one of the other kid over. WTF?
NTA
Problem is OP’s wife appears more invested in being an obedient daughter to her mommy instead of being a supportive wife. I noted OP is a stepfather, I’m wondering if MIL tanked her daughter’s first marriage?
NTA. You need to ask your wife when is she going to stand up to her mother or is she going to let her be rude and nasty to you for the rest of your marriage? And is she going to let her put your children at risk just to avoid an argument. You lost your temper after how many times of her putting your kids at risk? Your wife should have been the one to step in.
You never explained why you and your wife thought it was a “good idea” and “made more sense” for your in-laws to be invited on the trip. You made this decision knowing exactly what they’re like and how they act, yet you told them about the trip and asked them to come anyway. Next time you go away, don’t even tell the kids ahead of time so they don’t leak info to the grandparents. Just go. You’re going to have to be smarter if you want to avoid these situations.
Nta. Your MIL sounds alot like my mother, and we never had a vactuon with her because of her tries to undervise me as a father. We are now NC with her.
NTA. I’m surprised she wasn’t kicked out of the park
Have a man to man talk with your FIL, tell him to control his wife or you are going to lose contact with the kids. Your wife needs to be onboard with this too
I hope this is a fake post. If it isn’t you were a nutcase for agreeing that she could come in the first place. Personally I would have gone nuclear and had her thrown out of the park and then gone NC.
NTA. But when this happens:
>Every now and then, my MIL will make sarcastic jabs about not wanting to overstep, or not wanting to come across as a bad grandma and she’ll give me a look when she says it.
I would react like she said it without a hint of sarcasm and effusively thank her. “ohmygoshthankyou, I really appreciate that you finally understand and want to work with us instead of against us.” / “Oh you only come across as a bad grandma when you completely undermine our parenting, so thank you for listening.” / “That would be great, thank you.”
But I’m petty.
Also, consider an information diet for the inlaws. They can’t book the same vacation for you if they don’t know you’re going anywhere.
YTA For being a bad parent, by giving in to their pouting. How do you expect them to learn how to behave properly if you give in to them? You’re their dad, not their friend.
Your wife is also TA for not having your back against her mother.
The biggest AH is your MIL, she’s a horrible influence on your kids, you need to either cut contact with her, or grow a spine and put your foot down.
Between the 3 of you, you’re going to raise horrible spoiled brats who will be a nightmare for everyone as they get older.
Are you bio dad or step dad?