AITA for not breaking up with my girlfriend just because she reminds my BIL of his past?
Throwaway because I don’t want this linked to my main.
So, backstory: My gf (Sophie) briefly dated my brother’s husband, Michael (25M) when they were both in high school. From what I understand, it was a pretty typical teenage relationship that lasted a few months. Here’s where it gets more complicated. Michael grew up in a very conservative Evangelical household. At the time, he wasn’t out yet, and it’s since come out that he was dating Sophie in part to please his homophobic parents (who he currently is NC with). He’s still in therapy from the years of abuse he had to face from his parents.
Michael is now married to my brother, Liam (24M). They’ve been together since college and got married last year. Since Michael is now NC with his family, he views my mom and dad as his own parents, and they love him back equally.
I met Sophie earlier this year through my friend, Emily (24F), who’s been close with her since college. We hit it off at Emily’s birthday in February and started quietly dating a few weeks later. I had no idea of her past with Michael.
Someone posted a photo of Sophie and me at a wedding in April, and things blew up fast. Liam texted me asking if I was seriously dating Michael’s ex, and said it was completely disrespectful that I hadn’t mentioned anything. I told him that I had no idea of what he’s talking about.
Then Michael messaged me. He said he felt blindsided and that having Sophie around was a painful reminder of a time in his life when he was closeted, scared, and trying to live up to an image that made him miserable. He said Sophie represents a version of himself he’s worked hard to leave behind and that seeing her at family events would be triggering for him. He also said he didn’t want to have to emotionally manage someone from his closet years in order to stay welcome at Thanksgiving.
After that, my mom called and told me I needed to be sensitive to Michael’s trauma, and that Sophie being around could reopen wounds that don’t need to be revisited. She said I was forcing people to choose sides and making things harder than they needed to be.
Emily is kind of stuck in the middle—she’s friends with Sophie but close with Liam and Michael. She thinks this is all a bit overblown but understands why it’s complicated.
Sophie, for her part, has been nothing but kind. When I told her what was going on, she was genuinely upset to hear Michael had been struggling back then. She had no idea she was part of a façade. She offered to stay away from family stuff, but I told her that wasn’t fair. She’s not the villain here.
TLDR: My girlfriend used to be my BIL’s beard when they were in high school. When I started to date her, he said that he didn’t want to be reminded of his painful past (he belongs to an Evangelical homophobic family). How do I navigate this situation.
Comments
NTA I understand that trauma can be hard to get over but she in no way caused the trauma. And it’s been a long af time, it’s not like he broke up with her a year ago.
I think your BIL needs to take a trip to his therapist, and stop pushing his trauma on other people.
Unless she’s an homophobe and actively contributed to his trauma, not you’re not the AH.
They shouldn’t have a say on you dating her or not. All the contrary, that’s a sign he needs more therapy to overcome his intolerance to people that did nothing to actively harm him.
I understand him not wanting to engage, but all of them ganging up on you, is out of place.
Is not like you dated someone who cheated on him or a murderer.
NTA, and neither is Sophie or Emily. I get that it’s complicated with your brother and BIL, but while this may sound brutal, this is their issue, not anyone else’s. If you’re in happy, healthy relationship, go for it – the rest will just have to deal with it. That’s life.
So your BIL used your girl as cover from his parents & now he’s decided to bundle up all his negative memories,attach them to her & then expect you to throw her away? Why is noone pointing out the glaring hypocrisy of lying to your supposed partner because you’re to afraid to stand up to your bigoted parents? So he’s a coward.
Keep her. Dump them.
NTA. Its not like Sophie was taking part on bullying him when they were kids. If he has some kind of triggering reaction seing his ex that did nothing to him, I’d say its a problem he needs to deal with.
Your BIL is an entitled jerk. His issues are his to manage.
NTA micheal needs therapy and empathy but he does not need u to structure ur life around not upsetting jim
NTA
Unless Sophie was somehow homophobic or cruel to him, he needs to fucking get over himself. He’s a focus on his therapy. But for him, and for your family to think that you should break up with your girlfriend because her mirror existence reminds him of when he was in the closet that is preposterous. His drama doesn’t get to hold your entire family hostage. It certainly doesn’t get a hold of you and your relationships hostage. Your parents think you should give up someone that you’re dating and that you care about because it makes him uncomfortable? That is so incredibly selfish and inappropriate.
Updateme!
SO Michael used Sophie in HS to hide his sexuality…
He has since come out and is living his best gay life
And he has decided that the woman HE USED AS A COVER FOR HIMSELF is not allowed to love and be loved by any other man except the man HE Decides is not triggering to Him?
He is the AH here and he owes Sophie an apology for using her like that in HS when she thought she was in a genuine relationship.
He was selfish and entitled then and is still the same selfish entitled AH.
He is literally putting a wedge in between YOU and YOUR PARENTS.
He has already poisoned your family against Sophie before they have even seen or met her for his own selfish gain, because HE is the only one entitled to be loved and accepted by YOUR family
He doesn’t get to dictate what anyone gets to do and who gets to date who when he hasn’t had the common decency to even apologize to Sophie for using her like that.
The audacity of that man is on steroids.
He needs to get himself a psychiatrist to deal with the abuse from his family, take ownership of his own behavior and choices and stop bleeding all over everything and everyone.
I’m assuming Sophie did nothing wrong, and was in fact a good person during his childhood.
Why is he treating her like she caused his trauma? That’s his parents fault, and they are rightfully cut off.
She didn’t force him to come out or stay in the closet, she just had a relationship with him. If anything, be should be thankful for helping him survive.
He can talk about it or ignore it, but he shouldn’t see a person who was there for him (even if it was just to be his beard) the same as the abusers. NTA
Updateme
I’d give it a month or so to see if they will come to their senses and apologize. If not, then it’s probably best to break up. You don’t really sound like you’re ready to go to bat for this relationship if such a ridiculously hypocritical dogpiling doesn’t invoke a harsher response from you.
So I think you are not the asshole, but I wouldn’t break up. That’s like asking if your sibling and husband to break up if roles were reversed.
NTA
I’ve never understood why people have beef when their friends or family end up dating an ex (bearing of course cheating or if the ex was abusive).
I understand Micheal not wanting to be around people from his past that he’s trying to move away from, but ultimately, your BIL cant control other people. And I don’t think it is your responsibility to make sure your love life caters to your brother in law’s comfort. Especially since his ex did not personally wrong him.
tell all of them to fuck off and that Michael who is GAY and MARRIED to another MAN being ‘uncomfortable’ about you dating somebody he used to consider his ‘beard’ has nothing to do with you and Sophie. why should you give up the woman you love for him who was never even her boyfriend or anything else to her romantically that should make you obligated to dump the woman you love for his sensitive feelings on a matter that has nothing to do with him anymore. all that should matter is you and Sophies feelings for each other and how serious you’ve become before Michael started being a jerk about it. why should you be miserable without the woman you want to make him happy instead?
Also if he is that wounded he needs to be in therapy… this will just eat at him over time. He needs to confront his hardships not dismiss them it’s not healthy for a marriage or a family.
So he wants to control who you date because his family caused him harm by setting expectations on who he could date? I mean i know it’s more nuanced but still.. she didn’t make him stay in the closet, she didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t meet her because of that situation so it is unfair to dictate if you date her or not.
Michael needs therapy. You didn’t start dating his beard behind his back. She didn’t do anything to him. It’s unreasonable to demand you break up with your girlfriend because he can’t deal with his closeted past. The rest of the family is nuts for indulging this.
Michael needs a reality check. It’s not other people’s responsibility to manage Michael’s emotions for him. Michael should apologize to your girlfriend for dating her under false pretences and then trying to turn your whole family against her. What does your brother have to say about this?
NTA, she wasn’t part of the trauma in any way except that he put her in that position. She doesn’t deserve to be punished for his behaviour and neither do you.
I understand that the issues with his parents and not being able to be himself are painful memories but she didn’t do anything. I’m assuming he didn’t tell her he was gay, she is the real innocent party in all of this and it’s BS that your family are telling you that a grown man cannot accept you dating his ex (that he clearly didn’t have actual feelings for).
Was Sophie knowingly the beard? Or, was Michael lying to her and using her?
Tell Michael to just stop because he is NOT the victim here. He was the problem in his “relationship” with Sophie.
NTA and wow do I feel for your dilemma here. Unfortunately as hard as it is, this is your BILs issue to deal with and your parents are wrong to suggest that you should be, what, never inviting your GF to meet the family because Michael has issues with his past?
Unfortunately though I’ve been where you are with family and them feeling in a difficult position and ending up effectively prioritising and picking one person over another because they don’t want to upset anyone. I don’t really feel in a position to offer much advice though because I haven’t been to my parents home or really seen my mother in over 6 months now because of that situation.
I do think though that it’s important not to bend to what your parents and BIL want right now because that will have a permanent impact on your relationship. You’re doing nothing wrong. Your GF didn’t do anything wrong to your BIL. Your BIL has issues and trauma that he needs to deal with, but that shouldn’t mean that you, your GF, your family should be made to feel like you’ve done something wrong. No matter what your brother thinks ( and he’s understandably just trying to protect his husband).
Tell your bil and family to get therapy if they can’t deal with her being around. It’s not your job or hers to manage their feelings. It is 💯 on them. I can’t even believe the unmitigated gall of someone asking you to basically break up with a young lady that was an innocent bystander in everything that occurred in his past.
NTA
Updateme please
NTA This is his issue, not yours, Sophie’s, or anyone else in the family. How he chose to live his past life is not your responsibility. He is a hypocrite for trying to deny you the happiness he has now found with your brother.
He needs counseling to deal with his trauma. If anything, he should be apologizing to Sophie for using her as a beard and disregarding her feelings. That was very cruel of him. He should feel guilty.
NTA, I think you might need some space from your family. They seem unhinged. If she never mistreated him, then he’s extremely controlling, and everyone is enabling it.
If your brother or BIL nicely let you know, they had history and asked for some notice if she’s ever brought to a family event that would’ve been totally acceptable.
They’re all completely over reacting, you posted one picture with her, and they’re acting like you’re engaged. You haven’t even invited her to a single family function yet, and your BIL is crashing out this hard?
NTA. He needs to get some empathy. He literally used her in the past, and now wants to stop her being with someone who actually loves her all over again.
He should actually be ashamed of using her back in high school. If anyone should be resentful here, it should be her.
NTA, your BILs trauma is real and understandable, but he cannot make other people work on it for him – he needs to go to therapy and talk about this there, find coping mechanisms, and get through the issues the situation has brought up
UpdateMe!
NTA. Michael needs therapy. Lots of it.
You didn’t know about Sophie & Michael’s history. And afaik, Sophie didn’t do anything wrong/hurtful to Michael, she is just being made a scapegoat. (If it turns out she was a bully or something terrible it would change my opinion.)
If you wanted to be SUPER kind and empathetic, you could express that you understand he’s still working through this trauma, so you won’t bring Sophie to any family events for xx timeframe (say, for the remainder of this year, for example, or whatever you feel is reasonable). However it is Michael’s responsibility to ACTIVELY address his trauma and triggers and work on these issues. If you and Sophie are still together at the end of xx timeframe, then your family must accept and support your relationship and your happiness.
Not that any of that is necessary. But it might give him some time to process the initial shock and realise that he’s blaming Sophie for something that wasn’t her fault.
Either way, based on the info you’ve provided, NTA.
NTA.. but you need to go into more details on what happened
Your BIL needs some expert advice .. if your GF said harsh words when they broke up then give her some space.. he might be hiding his sexuality but she might have been played..
your family needs to control emotions
ESH – Do you like her or not? Was she an AH to him?
Because his trauma is not her fault based off the story.
Tell them you had no idea of their relationship so they can stop with the BS. Ask if she did anything to him that was detrimental. If she did – ✌🏼. If not – state she’s your girlfriend and they need to figure out out how to deal since it was ages ago and she did nothing to him.
Get some clarity and make a decision!
Michael needs to grow up and realise the world doesn’t revolve around him and his feelings and whatever he was going through years before.
He should probably focus on the fact that he’s now happily married and not expect the entirely innocent girl to disappear.
This is complicated. But you BIL seems like he’s not had therapy to work through his trauma.
You did not know about the ex situation & hence this was definitely not a willful attempt to hurt your BIL. He is not even understanding this basic thing. You are NTA.
NTA that sounds like a BIL problem not a OP problem
NTA. I sympathize with Michael, but his trauma isn’t Sophie’s fault, and expecting you to dump her because of it is highly unfair.
He needs to be the one managing his trauma, not you. This is for him and his therapist to deal with.
I call bullshit. Let’s change the scenario a little. Michael gets a new job and his coworker turns out to be Sophie. What’s he going to do, go to the boss and say fire her, she reminds me of traumatic times? Or Sophie moved next door ? Will he knock on her door and demand that she move somewhere else because he can’t stand seeing her every day? Also, Sophie can play the trauma card. She could say that you used me, that you lied to me. And then what?
Yes, what he went through was very difficult, but the world doesn’t revolve around him. People can’t live their life based on his traumas.
NTA
NTA. Sorry, Michael needs to deal with his shit. He does NOT get to tell you who you can be with because he had a shitty childhood. Most of us did Michael, most of us did.
NTA. Honestly…maybe he needs this. Idk. Good luck to him and everyone though. Good luck to you too.
So, your whole family wants you to stop dating Sophie so they don’t need to pick sides?
Oh, the hypocrisy. By asking you that, they’ve already chosen a side… and it’s not yours.
NTA
Ditch everyone who tries to manipulate you because Mike can’t handle seeing the girl he used in high school to hide his sexuality. Yeah, he is the bad guy and a drama queen.
Mike needs to see a therapist and stop telling you who you can date — that’s exactly what his NC parents did to him.
NTA.
You are not forcing anyone to pick sides, they are.
Michael needs extra time with his therapist. And also take accountability that, yes he was abused and traumatised BY HIS PARENTS, but he also did a pretty shitty thing to Sophie. Understandable due to circumstances, but not her fault.
From someone who’s dealt with severe trauma and triggers attached to that, therapy can work wonders if you allow it and work hard. Projecting your trauma pain onto innocent people won’t help you in the long run. I could understand if you were dating someone who’d actively participated in his abuse and was horrible to Michael, but that does not seem to be the case?
I still have triggers, but I’ve overcome several and that freedom is priceless. The few stubborn ones left, I try to steer clear, but if that’s not possible I will work around it, not force people around me to do that. (My friends are understanding and mindful when they are able ofc).
It’s pretty entitled to ask you and Sophie to throw away potential love and connection over his comfort, when she didn’t do anything wrong, when HE brought her into the mess of his abuse.
You would be TA to yourself and Sophie if you obliged though.
This is the most ridiculous of demands. She is not at fault. He in fact dated her without her knowing he was gay. If we want to discuss faults… What he did to her was wrong. His parents may be homophobes. That does not excuse his treatment of her. 😐 Two wrongs don’t make a right. Also, once you end a dating relationship, you don’t get a vote on who they see, date, or spend time with. He needs to put his big boy pants on and stop blaming the innocent. He needs to be frank and place blame on the shoulders it belongs on. IE his parents, his own, and those who abused him. Not some random girl he dated in high school who did not know he was gay, and did not cause him harm. NTA. Trauma dumping and blame shifting is not ok. He needs serious psychological help.
NTA, tell him you sympathize but a therapist will help more than trying to avoid everyone from his past. Tell him you aren’t going to break up with your girlfriend, but you’re willing to make accommodations for him within reason. Let him know that Sophie knows her is out now and has no problem with it. His emotions are his responsibility.
Omg he needs to get over it . We all go through stuff it’s how you cope that makes you the person you are .
This sounds like gay rage bait
NTA. So your BIL USED your girlfriend as if she was an object without feelings so he could be safe from his parents, and now instead of feeling guilty about the way he took advantage of her feelings he decided that only his feelings matters?
The bil and family is trying to make Sophie the scapegoat for his trauma when in fact she was a victim of bil because he was using her for cover. I will say again he used her and made her his victim. That’s what his problem really is he used her and seeing her reminds him of what he did to her and that’s his problem to deal with instead of blaming the innocent.
Michael needs to stop trying to dictate other people’s relationships and get some counselling to deal with his issues. NTA.
It sounds to me that you have already chosen your BIL and family in this. I don’t say this to be harsh but your comments seem to defend him more than support her. I get it because it’s hard to go against your whole family. Please let her down gently and do it soon so that it doesn’t hurt her any more than it has to. Poor Sophie